Anyone up? DH is leaving me

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

The norm is often EOW, and a midweek night, plus up to 1/2 the holidays. 50:50 usually doesn't work when kids are at school, unless both parents live close and have flexible employment.

But I do think 50:50 would wreck his love life. And don't forget if he's the parent in charge and DC are sick, that's his problem.

And it's Father's Day on Sunday

I told him she wasn't to go within spitting distance of DC.
I would not be responsible.

I'm sure he won't go for the norm. My guess is he'll want every weekend and a day a week as a minimum. Is that even likely? Possible? He'll take a hell of a dent in his earnings if he does. And the DC won't know whether they're coming or going.

You are totally within your rights to object to every weekend. Because if he does he gets all the "Funtime" and you get left with all the work.

Anyway OW s unlikely to want children around disrupting their love nest all the time.

I would say no to every weekend. Why should you not to get to spend at least every second weekend with your DC's who are at school during the week. I'm sure it would play havoc with his love life anyway.

Why should he have every weekend with the dc?

Your dc need to spend time with you, you are important and need quality time away from school.

If he wants to do shared care then he needs to step up and do the school run and after school etc.

Take a step back, slowly step away and keep yourself to yourself keep him at arms length.

Why am I not tired now 😩😩😩

He chose this! You are being far too sensitive to his needs op! Fuck him. Fuck what he wants! You go with what is best for you and the DC!

Agree with fanjolamps, your DC have enough disruption coming at them, you will be their constant and their safe place. Fuck him, he brought about all this upset. He needs to give you some space to get your ducks in a row

I have known one couple managed 50:50, and I'm not quite sure how the Dad managed all the pick ups etc. Until he had a long term girlfriend. And it only really worked once the daughter was in school and could go to breakfast and after school clubs.
And Dad did have a longer journey to school for drop offs and collections.

Definitely a ' no ' to every weekend.

Eo w and a night during weekend.
Cheeky beggar.

Did he forget he caused this.

During week

Every weekend??!?! Nope.

You get an order of the every other weekend and one night a week and then can be generous with other time as you choose.

But unless they're going to move round the corner, then you're not going to be able to pull that off.

If OW is back home this also puts new slant on things.

Tbh 50/50 would suit most mums, allows them quality time with the kids and the opportunity to get their career back on track. It's dads 50/50 doesn't suit as they'd have to parent not babysit

Ledkr....that was a fantastic thing to do. Changing his name to your sisters.

I can't beat that one ;-)

Nights I knew he was babysitting our grandson for our son ( in our house ) I would go straight out from work and not come bacteria till midnight. I'd go for a wander round tesco at midnight or sit in my car at the beach till about 1 am knowing he'd be going mad wanting to go and see her.

Anything to piss him off basically.

Enjoy the strong position you have now . It's a battle op and the lines are drawn.
The an you loved and arrived has gone. He's a betrayer. Don't tell him any of your plans.
He's put you on this mess. You and the children have enough to cope with...so you don't want to move.

Mine even bleated I was cleverer than him. He was so right on that one. I think he hoped I'd go easy on him .

Fat chance. I thwarted him at every opportunity i could.

Bacteria...yeah right.

The man you loved

Op just wanted to say probably reason why you're not tired now is adrenalin is kicking in, you are naturally thinking and worrying about all this.

As others have said, warm milk, hot chocolate etc... Whatever calms you. Maybe a gripping book before bed. I also found writing my thoughts down helped a hell of a lot... Like a diary? Also keep the thought of this too will pass because it will.

Keep all the normal stuff up, if you can get a babysitter and chance to see a film, go out etc (doesn't have to involve loads of drink at all) then do it! If you fancy an outing with kids (on cash back of course!) do it! Try and act normal basically. And remember tears (out of sight of kids I'd prefer) are perfectly normal and rage etc. Don't bottle any of it in.

You will be fine remember that

Haven't RTFT, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am OP. My DC are exactly the same age (and same sex) so I can imagine how hard all this must be for you. One day not too far from now you will be happy again, and you'll wonder why you ever wasted so much heartache on this man who is not fit to polish your shoes. Take care of yourself.

Could he help take kids to and from groups in evenings and have 1 day at weekends or every other with some flexibility to negotiate 2 weeks ahead?

It's what I do with ex. It mostly works!

I have a good relationship with ex, other than the blindingly obvious character flaw of having an affair he is a good man who has not fucked us over since we separated.

He takes the kids overnight every Friday (from Friday dinner time until Saturday early evening).
He takes them out for their tea on a Monday night and Wednesday night, and often helps out with clubs etc.
During rugby season he does the Sunday rugby games & Wednesday rugby training.

The kids contact him whenever they want to & he helps out with stuff quite regularly.
It has worked out well for us as he still sees them a lot.

It's not likely he'll want every weekend... I suspect his OW would object. If anything, it can be hard to get regular contact.

Wtf has she gone crawling back to her husband then? Are they trying to save their marriage? That's a bit odd I thought your husband and OW were moving in Together?

If the OW has gone home just watch your not so DH try to come wheedling back...

I've slept reasonably well.
Just getting up to sort the DC.
I'll catch up later.

Well done.