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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone up? DH is leaving me

976 replies

onitlikeacarbonnet · 11/06/2016 02:01

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 12/06/2016 12:24

Definitely move money in your account. During a financial settlement it will be counted as an asset, but you have house and DCs to support so can legitimately use the money thst you need now.

Advice I was given - get cashback out during foodshops to pay for things that may not be seen as necessary spending. Don't live off pasta for next 3 months as last 3 months expenses are usually looked at more closely by solicitors (i.e. can take 3 months to get to part where forms are being completed as people usually in shock at first). Look into working family tax credit online now (if you work over 18hr a week). Look at statutory maintenance figures - again it's online. If he suggests an amount that's higher take it as it's usual for it to go to minimum later and you can offset this with you getting more of savings.

Definitely get a solicitor before agreeing to anything.

Rowanhart · 12/06/2016 12:34

The cash back and food advice is very good, Lilapink*

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 12/06/2016 12:34

You are all so lovely.
And ledkr I want you for my life coach!
And the hot sexy men might be nice tooWink

OP posts:
Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 12/06/2016 13:01

A friend told me the cash back thing.
I took out £100 this morning too.

OP posts:
Pisssssedofff · 12/06/2016 13:49

Good stuff, keep doing that. God I wish I had thought of that at the time .... my ex cnut now wants £5,000 off me a student 🙄

Rowanhart · 12/06/2016 14:33

Trying to get £5k out of you pissedoff?

Honestly, never bloody cease to amaze me.

Pisssssedofff · 12/06/2016 14:51

Oh yes, drove me and the kids to the airport with nothing but our clothes in suitcases wished us luck and then went back to the ow, her 4 kids and lived off her for a year whilst we had nothing but benefits to survive on. Now the poor cow is dead he's had to get a job and pay child support he wants £5,000 from the house that would have been repossessed if I'd not paid £3000 in mortgage arrears out of my student loans and scrubbed and painted it through the night whilst he was boning her 😡
I honestly don't believe any jury would convict me for murder I really don't

GabsAlot · 12/06/2016 15:24

wow theres some stories on here to inspire!

op hope youre doing ok today one step at a time its all u can do-dont let him in whever he feels like it it will just confuse everyone and wont work long term

i would take half of everything that wa sin the bank wages or savings-he has to provide for his children

my sister was told she couldnt stop her excoming t o the house but as soon as he got violent that was it-dont know if things have changed now

do see a solictor although theyre not cheap anymore afaik theyve stopped legal aid for getting divorced

Rowanhart · 12/06/2016 15:43

Unbloodybelievable. Can't believe any judge will give him that! pissedoff

Pisssssedofff · 12/06/2016 15:56

I hope not Rowanhart, but the audacity of even asking eh ? The reason I say strike whilst the irons hot is because boy did I learn the hard way, you literally have to become an ice maiden, any hint of kindness is seen as weakness and the piss is taken

2nds · 12/06/2016 16:45

Isn't emotional abuse just as bad as physical abuse, so can't op stop the bathroom and Bedtime visits because he plays on her emotionally and is controlling?

Unicorntrainer · 12/06/2016 16:55

Cashback is a brilliant idea. I used to shop in stores that had savings stamps on cards. Added that to my shopping bill. When the shit hit the fan and I had a really tricky month I used some, used the rest up at Christmas. They were my safety net for when the money suddenly disappeared.

Hair and nails on your child-free day lovely, and enjoy clothes shopping. And now wait to meet the STBXH, you won't recognise him. This is when they change so drastically and he will have OW pulling his strings. I am with the 'take it all' camp. Money is better in your account. You are doing brilliantly

Autumnalhedgehog · 12/06/2016 17:06

My dh announced a week ago that he feels he wants to separate

Pisssssedofff · 12/06/2016 17:32

Autumn - kick the twat out then, if he can't see what an amazing life he has with you, save yourself the bother of another day with him and find a man with a giant heart and Vick to replace him with there are lots once you start looking !

Pisssssedofff · 12/06/2016 17:32

Vick is a typo I'm not sure if I should replace it - oh go on then - cock

BustingOut · 12/06/2016 18:08

PisssssedOff Now that's why we need a like button on mumsnet!!!

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 12/06/2016 18:30

I'm hoping for some sleep tonight. DC are knackered after their sleepover (hurrah) and I'm just knackered.

Hoping that I sleep better with him not in the house.

He's at his mums or was at 5.30. I text him earlier to suggest he spoke to DC tonight if he wanted. His reply was yes please as long as I can hold it together.
Not my problem, pal.

My sisters calling later but she doesn't know yet. That'll be a nice call I'm sure.

I also have an old mutual friend calling too. Not sure how that'll go. Her DH met my DH through work donkeys ago so his friends on a technicality. I pm'd her earlier today and gave her a potted history. They live half a country away so haven't seen them since before Xmas I think.

I've not had time to email lawyers but I can pop into one tomorrow out shopping.

I might just let DH do the stuff on Tuesday morning but, if he is actually at his mums he's an hour away. I guess he could just do ds's appointment. Hed have to come in but I could get rid of more of his stuff and we could try to make arrangements for the rest of the week.

My head feels like it's about to fall off my shoulders.

OP posts:
2nds · 12/06/2016 18:38

Wow their hot affair is really going well if he's having to stay with his mummy.

Rowanhart · 12/06/2016 19:08

My sure safe way of sleeping is a glass of red and two paracetamol. It's like mother's milk to me. Snoring in no time.

I know this is terribly bad which is why I save it for the bad times.

The not knowing what's going on and him coming an going would have been more disruptive I'm sure. I hope you get more sleep tonight too.

You're being very good offering DC time etc, putting kids first.

Sleep well Wine

FreeFromHarm · 12/06/2016 19:35

my x used to cry at a drop of a hat, it is a sure sign of manipulation, apparently one of his x harem contacted me and said about his crying .... she called him a player and he cried even more.... made me chuckle
diddums !!!

SuperFlyHigh · 12/06/2016 19:36

Rowan paracetamol as far as i know have a sedative effect, but yes I sometimes do that, wine and paracetamol.

OP - yes do try and pop in to see a lawyer tomorrow, they often give free half an hour appointments, no obligation to use them. You do sort of have to click with them but as I said before most family/divorce lawyers are very people persons, good at listening and action. Ensure you get a Scottish equivalent to Law society registered one!

I'd personally have a nice warm bath tonight - actually with some of your cash back treat yourself to some nice new luxuriant bath oil/foam!

FreeFromHarm · 12/06/2016 19:36

Hope you are ok Autumn x

Ledkr · 12/06/2016 20:14

I hope you sleep but don't expect to. If you wake up and lie there for more than half an hour, make some warm milk and read for a bit to calm down a bit.
You really have got to view him as the enemy, your career and life choices are limited due to having his children so now is not the time to be lenient and reasonable, how you act now will shape yours and the children's future.
I felt great seeing my divorce lawyer, she was a feisty man hater who was recommended to me by friends and just the tonic I needed.
See yourself as temporarily off kilter and in need of tlc, do whatever you need to do to get through the next few weeks, nothing else matters.
I swear you are going to be fine. I felt really ashamed and embarrassed for a bit with no wedding ring and four kids, 6 months later I took them all to Ibiza and we had a scream, I felt so proud of my lovely boys and my baby girl who they helped look after and was eager to tell anyone who would listen that I was an independent parent (don't like lone) it's an exciting new challenge and anything is possible.
I'm rooting for you like all the others on here.

ssd · 12/06/2016 20:18

there's so many strong women on this thread, Thanks for all of you here and for you of course op

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 12/06/2016 20:57

I want him in my DCs lives. He's (current/recent behaviour notwithstanding) a wonderful man.

He told me ow was temporarily back in her marital home after being thrown out post message finding by her DH.

I pondered over pming her DH just to say I'd kicked DH out but wasn't sure so I erred on the side of caution.

I need to start thinking about contact. I know he wants 50/50. But I think that's not doable as he works full time, I don't want to fight him over it but the DC need stability (esp ds) and moving every couple of days isn't stable.

We need to discuss money beyond what he's said already which is that nothing will change. Yes DH, except for the £800 a month less well have as a minimum because you have rent and a second lot of bills to pay.

We need to discuss the house. This is too big for only 3 of us. But I want things to be constant. I've spent a year wanting out of here and now I'm not sure that I want to leave.

Dd is about to turn 5, finishes nursery in 3 weeks, starts p1 after the holidays. The 5th anniversary of my mum dying is 5 weeks after dd's birthday.
It's a pretty stressful time anyway. Might as well chuck more shit at me.

OP posts: