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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Anyone up? DH is leaving me

976 replies

onitlikeacarbonnet · 11/06/2016 02:01

I'll try to be short. Been together 16 years. Married for 9.
2 weeks ago, with no prior warning, he said he wasn't sure he loved me anymore. I asked outright but he said there wasn't anyone else.

2 days ago he told me he'd lied and there was someone else. He wanted to be with her. But he was full of doubt. We have 2 DC (dd is 5 in 10 days and ds is 6).
I begged him to stay. I cried all over him. I love him and told him so. He said he cares about me.

Tonight he went out to meet an old friend and came home having made up his mind finally that he was going.

I've been in pieces for 2 weeks and feel like I'm empty. I'm not crying now but I've never been so overwhelmingly sad. Not even when my parents died.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. Just feeling alone and scared.

OP posts:
Numberoneisgone · 12/06/2016 09:48

Onit you are doing so well. Would you consider trying to get your DH to do the appointment as planned? Give you some time to make plans and start workable set ups between you for dealing with the kids.

londonrach · 12/06/2016 09:49

Wow...busy week. Maybe Do something fun today with dc with friend. Not sure what weather like but horrible here...inside picnic, inside den etc. Have you put aside important documents eg birth certificates and photocopied bank statements. You getting some good advice here but you must look after yourself. Whats you favourite food and drink. Get it from asda! (You brave i can only cope with asda every few months). Xxx

Tate15 · 12/06/2016 09:53

This is the lowest point. Now it's upwards to new beginnings and a fresh, whole new world.

If I were you I would agree not to discuss the son with your mother in law but only agree about her still seeing the children. He is her son afterall and no matter what he does she will always be in his corner.

Well done you are holding it all together and you will get through this. Xxx

londonrach · 12/06/2016 09:54

And user is right in a few months he may say its all a big mistake and want to come back. Thats something only you can decide if it happens. Please just look after yourself and dc xxx

ConkerTriumphant · 12/06/2016 09:56

*This is the lowest point.

Tate* is right. But it's the storm before the calm, and the calm does come.

This too shall pass.
Keep on keeping on.
Light at the end of the tunnel.

All cliches because they're true. This is a transition time: it's not your new life. Remember that.

Dowser · 12/06/2016 10:03

Don't forget 50 per cent of his pension too.

This is the beginning of the first day of your new life.

Be glad he's gone . Living with someone who does not want to be here really sucks.

Mine wanted me to throw him out. Why? I don't know! He was a conniving bastard so I did the opposite. I put up with him. He could have left any time so why did he stay?

Was he hoping to go to the judge and say...she chucked me out your honour and I was trying to make it work. I honestly did not know so no way was I going to make it easy for him.

Oh and the crocodile tears mine cried. No wonder my head was in bits.

He's gone! Rejoice. He gets to feel the cold hard world without you to cushion the blow.
That gaping husband sized hole he's left behind will soon be filled with something more deserving of your attention and trust.

You need to draw up your battle plan because he's with the enemy now and she will want to wring every penny out of him to be funnelled into their relationship rather than see it go to you and your children.

Mine regretted what he did. He thought he could have his life with another woman and still have his family. That wasn't to be and he paid dearly for it.

On the other hand I got the family home, my kids were brilliant and the grand kids came along thick and fast and you couldn't have paid me enough to take him back. When he bolted out the door marked freedom he never reflected on the fact that he left it open for me too and I had a blast.

It hurts now sweetheart. You've been slammed into the brick wall while he vaulted over it. ( mine did literally . Looking back it was hilarious . I came home unexpectedly while he was babysitting. Here's Ow waiting in her car for him. She drives off before I have a chance to speak to her. . He flings his bulk over our back wall ( leaving baby inside and French doors open) to go and find her. Meanwhile I'm in house, spotted baby grandson in cot , back doors wide open and wondering wtf was going on.
Next thing daughter comes along from her house wondering wtf all the noise is about. Thankfully baby slept through it all.

So yes, he's vaulted over the brick wall of life but it won't be all roses. Karma has a horrible way of biting people on the bum.

Has he taken everything. I suggest you pack it all in black bags and leave it I n the hall. If he doesn't collect it within a week it will go outside and if still doesn't collect it will go to the tip.

You can call the shots now. He's handed you the power stick.

It was crazy.

Rowanhart · 12/06/2016 10:06

I'd be tempted to beauticians on Thursday and spend it pampering self as kid free.

I know some people would think this shallow, but I'd need a game face for the party and that would involve feeling I looked my best. Blow dry on Saturday beforehand might help.

And agree. Sod Asda. You're allowed some new clothes you know, without having to justify to him. Anyway Marksies also sell food and clothes if you want to maintain the illusion.

When I split up with my ex, for some reason, nice nighties and underwear made me feel better. If you've lost so much weight you'll need at least one new bra.

This might seem shallow, I know. But focusing on self in this way is one way of starting to put self back together.

Pisssssedofff · 12/06/2016 10:06

Talking of karma, I know this makes me sounds evil, I know it does but my ex's ow had an epileptic fit in the middle of the night and died. Now I wouldn't wish that on her family but fuck when I said what goes around will bite him even I wasn't expecting that !

Dowser · 12/06/2016 10:12

Quote from Ledkr
Its amazing how much they are rocked by the sight of you getting on with things and staying strong, they like to think they've left you broken (they have) but you don't have to show the fucker that.

So very true. The day he found out I was going to Cuba was hilarious. He was like one of those cartoons, where someone is so dazed they are ricocheting off the walls..only he was going 'Cuba?....Cuba? Like I'd stoves his head in with a frying pan!

And that was only the start of it.

Baconyum · 12/06/2016 10:23

I got the tears when he came round to see dd the day ow told him she was pregnant 'it was meant to be fun' I kid you not! Wtf did he think I was gonna do/say? Kiss it better?!!!

Get in soups and meal replacement drinks and fruit and vitamins. Cos you won't always feel like eating 'properly'.

Avoid alcohol and caffeine as they make anxiety worse.

Sleep whenever and however you can, in the day, with the kids, on the sofa whatever!

This is the worst you WILL get through this.

As for karma - 'my' ow trusts my ex so little he's not allowed his own mobile or social media accounts (he still manages to cheat). She also finds it very hard to trust her own friends (guess why).

He's lost - his career, friends, freedom and is now trapped in EXACTLY what he was trying to avoid...a family life.

Ahhhh shame Grin

Me ? I can do what I want when I want (health is the only issue and that wouldn't be different if we were still together), I have friends, dd, peace of mind, I 'date' Wink but I'm not tied down - I answer to NOBODY.

Approx yearly he tells me he still loves me, regrets what he did, is miserable.

londonrach · 12/06/2016 10:25

Agree make yourself look really good as it give you confidence whilst dealing with him.

Dowser · 12/06/2016 10:31

My exh had to mind his p and qs in her house.when my son and dil used to go for a visit they said how different he was , like he couldn't be himself.

I felt so sorry for my son. He loved his father to bits, still does. He even told my son he did nt love her but as he was terminally ill ( and she was a nurse) she was his best bet.

Lol Bacon. The mills of god almost.

2nds · 12/06/2016 10:40

I'm another one who would take all the money. Yes he needs deposits for his new love nest and a new toaster etc but he should have thought of that when he was slipping her one. I'd take it all and just let it sit in an old account, OK you might have to give some to him but it might not be as much as 50 percent seeing as there's three of you in your house.

I disagree with the poster who said you can't stop him coming to Bath the kids, I only know one couple who have split up where he's allowed to come and put the kids to bed, other than that I've never known that to happen.

Photocopying his wage slips is a very good point, and I agree with the person who mentioned setting your passports to one side.

I'd recommend trying to eat meals, I know it's hard but to stay strong and on top of things you need to look after yourself first and foremost. Do you take vitamins and minerals?

Rowanhart · 12/06/2016 10:40

Ha at dowser Cuba story.

Lilacpink40 · 12/06/2016 10:44

I had same experience in Jan. I talked and cried with friends and family for first two monthes, still in counselling to help with confidence, but actually think this change is for the better.

I don’t know what future holds, but I'm not trying to drag a big cheating baby along with me. Just two DCs is fine Grin

Everyone told me I'd feel better within 6 monthes and free within a year when I could only feel disbelief and anxiety. Now I know that they were right.

Best wishes for you in this change Flowers

ohtheholidays · 12/06/2016 10:53

carbonnet you are not alone and you never will be you have your DC,your friends and all of us Smile

You are doing amazingly you really are.

mummymeister · 12/06/2016 10:55

onit just caught up with the thread. I am glad that he has gone now. you need to look after yourself and your children.

The man is an utter liar. you owe him absolutely nothing. he doesn't have a shred of self respect left - turning up like that last night was the best thing that could have happened because you saw him as he is - a selfish git.

Please get yourself something to eat. anything but don't stop eating. even a biscuit with your hot drink.

you need your strength because the next week will be exhausting physically and emotionally but everyone can see from your posts how your inner strength is coming out. you can do this.

and you aren't alone. in RL you have your friends, your mil, your children and lots of support on here. Use it.

Hope that you can get an appointment with a solicitor sooner rather than later.

and yes, I am in the "put all the money in your account" camp because whilst you are being kind and thinking of him and how he will set up a home he doesn't give a shit about you and the kids. most likely he will be moving in with her anyway so wont need the bed and all the other stuff.

for now just concentrate on the direction of travel hour by hour.

you are doing brilliantly and showing what a strong and determined person you are.

Tate15 · 12/06/2016 10:57

A little gem that my ex came out with was with tears and a cracking up voice, "No matter what I will always text you goodnight forever!"

He didn't like it when I asked if that was a threat! He wanted me to get on my knees and thank him!

Of course he never did text me goodnight after we split, thank God!

Ledkr · 12/06/2016 11:02

On the back of dowsers Cuba story.
My ex twat, booked a fucking holiday to Spain for my birthday to "chat" he was still seeing the ow.
I told him I didn't want to go but he ignored me so I range the holiday company and changed his name to my sisters and had a fab time.
He of course was furious.

On the superficial note, it's not for everyone but I certainly took great comfort and strength from looking good.
I lost weight through stress so went down a few sizes and shamelessly went shopping (not in asda), got my long dark hair cut short and dyed blonde and generally flitted about looking and feeling amazing.
It helped so much and I loved the look of surprise in his measley cheating little eys when he saw me.

Ledkr · 12/06/2016 11:03

I had a lot of sex with fit blokes too 😂😂

tiredvommachine · 12/06/2016 11:22

Ledkr

Awesome skills!! 👌

SuperFlyHigh · 12/06/2016 11:46

I just wanted to say... If you want new clothes please don't do ASDA, go to H&M as they do a kids range - then you can kit yourself out and say "oh it was for the kids for summer".

I just wanted to say you've been so brave following this through etc but like some other PPs have said please clean out all savings account as he has his parents and your inheritance was from your father. I'm sure his parents will rally round with money if need be, your ex-DH won't be generous in the future.

Disclaimer and sorry to say but worked for 5 years as PA with lawyers who dealt with divorce too, once the gloves are off, both sides can get nasty but if you have a good divorce lawyer they'll make it as painless for you as possible, they are very good listeners and also very good on action and sorting the wheat from the chafe re finances, access etc.

Good luck. You sound amazing, again and again. Also a final thing, it's best for your DC to see you act like this so courageous and not stand for any nonsense, rather that than the other scenario!

UptheAnty · 12/06/2016 11:58

My heart breaks for you op.

You are receiving great advice & support.
ledkr I can relate to many things you say and you say it with such flare Wink

Flowers for you op - and Wine to all the wonderful women who share their stories and experience, you are all an inspiration.

I don't know you in real life op but I can safely bet that your Dh is going to be one sad, sorry man very soon.

FreeFromHarm · 12/06/2016 12:04

Baconyum fantastic advice btw, Uptheanty, you are so right, grass is not always greener on the other side

Therealloislane · 12/06/2016 12:14

Go & buy yourself new clothes - for the new you!

You've found your strength, now use it Grin

You totally rock StarStar

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