What do you make of this?

[duro1]

Through a family member met a man who is funny, full of life, smart, good looking (to me anyway). I've been on my own a long time and rarely get attracted to a man

So, we went on a couple of dates and on one of these dates he said that he was doing cocaine last night. I was bit shocked. He is 40 BTW. He is recently divorced and she wouldn't let him do it. He admitted he had been binging on it since break up as she wasn't there to say no and he was lost without his family. Anyway, I have done this in my much younger years and said so. Certainly not something I do now, or anything like this, with two very young children (not that their age makes a difference really).

So he has been lovely, kind, everything my last relationship wasn't. On Weds night he asked me out for a meal. He then said via text if he should get some coke in. I said not for me thanks. Then he said he was joking. He said another time and I just ignored it. Anyway, we went out to a stunning restaurant, had an amazing meal and he was pretty much the perfect gent. He was driving us home when he started saying 'shall we do a line'. I was a bit pissed and so sad that the night was now going like this. I said I'm not. He actually got it out his wallet and asked if I had a note. I handed one to him. He was saying are you going to, I said no. He said I won't if you won't. I said you do what you want.

Anyway he put it away and went back to his. Later that evening we were laying in bed together and I had to tell him that I was going to a birthday do for an hour for family member and that my ex would be there. He was so stressed by it and said I've got to have a line. I lay in bed so disgusted as I could hear him doing it. Yuk. He then went to the bathroom and came back in and said he flushed the rest away. I just went to sleep.

In morning I asked why he did it and he said cause of shock of what I told him. He said he had to throw rest away or would be up all night doing it

To me this is a major problem. To me it feels like he has a coke problem. Of course he insists he doesn't and can 'take it or leave it'. I am just so so so massively dissapointed and down that a man who seems so great and I have huge chemistry with would behave like this.

LTB I guess

You know you'll get no sympathy or words of support from people off here because you asked for help, people gave advice and you've ignored it all.

DON'T MEET UP WITH HIM AGAIN

I can't stress this too much. Walk away, run

You don't have to obey the MN consensus, OP. The great thing about MN is that you can keep coming back to seek help. There are plenty of people that are willing to offer opinion and advice time after time.

PND is so hard. Having an abusive ex is so hard. Just wanting someone to be nice to you is a deep human need.

part of me is saying no don't do it cause I know the reality but I think if I don't I will actually get even more down

What do you think the effect will be on your PND, if it turns out he is a nasty one too?

Was your ex nice at the beginning? Did he make you feel good at the start? What will it feel like going through another separation from another abusive man in a few months time?

Drugs, drinking, temper. Selfish too, he should be keeping away from you while he gets himself verifiably clean and sober. It's not looking good for a non-abusive future.

What else could you do to get nice people into your life?

Don't do it OP . . .you are in a situation where you could walk away. you have no ties with this guy at all.

you could be talking about my ex bloke in your posts. he used to say he would give up drink, as it led to a bad temper and doing coke - it would last a few days and then it would all start again.

I cant stress enough how much harder it was to leave when there were feelings involved. we had met each others family, had booked a holiday etc etc. it all just makes things harder. walk away now and work on your self esteem.

xxxxx

You've had a shit year.

Do you want another few shit years? Because that's what you'll get with this tosser.

Okay OP you sound super vulnerable, clearly struggling with your PND and taking your medication erratically. Do you have any other personal and/or professional support around you? You're not going to be making clear, rational decisions in your best interest in this state.

Be strong OP. Can you think of anything, anything, that you can look forward to doing instead of seeing this man? I totally understand your need to have someone be nice to you, but there must be other people in your life who can play that role this evening?

Please OP... if you fall for this man, you will suffer and you know it. Don't walk over the cliff here. You are a moth to a flame and you know that you're vulnerable. I think it is worth ringing a friend with an 'emergency call'. You deserve more than what this man can offer. He's already shown you temper, erratic behaviour. He's already making promises and grand gestures you know he can't keep to... it's a car crash in the offing. You need to protect yourself because you need to be the lioness for your children. I know what it's like with an abusive ex, it's horrible. You're not alone.

I really appreciate those supporting me on here. It does give me strength. I felt really down this morning (DS teething so not good sleep) so instead of meeting as arranged I said I am going back to bed with DS and will ring later. Felt much better after sleep. Rang him, no reply, which I was actuallly quite happy with so we took ourselves out for this afternoon. 4pm I get a call to say he had been in a police cell and thats why he couldn't answer phone. Arrested for harrassment of ex wife, and released without charge. I just felt dubious about it all and like he wanted me to feel sorry for him. He knew I didn't beleive it so sent me pic of No Further Action sheet but top was missing off it and no date on it. He said no date on it. I know I shouldn't care either way but if he is lying to get attention it just makes it easier to move away. Anyway, I am now just ignoring him. He has phoned 3 times and I've not answered. I am going to send msg and say sorry I can't see you anymore we are not compatable etc. Feeling strong [flexes muscles emoticon] I do have PND support but was discharged as had been doing really well. I think its all the nonsense with him combined with PMT made me feel down. Feeling better this avo

Either way - he's manipulating and lying to you - or he's been arrested for harassing his ex wife - run RUN

I phoned the police station who confirmed he was in today and now released. And he showed me the no charge as not enough evidence sheet. They spoke to neighbour and he said he was not being threatening/abusive when he went to the house

Run for the hills!

Try the Freedom Programme.

Wow, this man gets worse. Well done for deciding to break it off - please do stick to your resolve and follow that through.

Could you re-enlist some PND support? It sounds like you could do with it.

And I think I've said this before but I really think the Freedom Programme would do you the world of good.

Bloody hell OP this man is dressed from head to two in red flags.

Come on, you can do it. Block his numbers and forget him. He is no good for you (or himself). Surely you can see now that his marrage is probably not what he told you.

WE are all cheering you on to dump this loser's sorry arse

You felt the need to phone a police station to check if your cokehead boyfriend's story about being arrested was true. Is this the life you want?

Re Freedom program I am on the waiting list for the next time it is run locally which will hopefully be soon. I think I will ring and check in with PND worker as she said I can re-refer self in at any time.

The best thing was, he kept phoning so I phoned back and he ranted about me not beleiving him etc etc. Said can't believe you are accusing me of being a druggie, a drunk, having anger issues and you don't believe a word i say.... so I let him rant and he said I can't do this - I think he thought I would say on nooooo please.... so he ranted again and then said this relationship is doomed, i can't do it so I said ok, silence. Then I said I got to go

Very happy that he ended it :D

I'm surprised police tell a five minute girlfriend the man has been arrested.

Don't saddle yourself to this twat head. It will get worse. Work on why you are so low you'll take crumbs. Wait for the fucking cake.

Glad you're on the waiting list for the freedom programme.

Good news that it is apparently over. Now block his number, as he may well try and contact you again.

Don't think because he has ended it this is the end.
You need to be strong enough yourself to know you do not deserve to be ranted at on the phone like this.
He will be in contact with you again tomorrow, you deserve someone who understand what you are going through, not someone who makes your pnd come back again.

Brilliant!

Unfortunately I have re-lapsed towards my ex... I know, I know. Like a friend said to me my ex seems like an angel compared to mr cokehead

Wish they would hurry up and start Freedom, think I will ring and enquire tomorrow. Am also going to phone PND worker and see if I can get low cost counselling as come to realisation I got some issues going on!!

I think that's a good idea Duro. You seem desperate to have a man on the go, any man.

Yes I think you do have issues, but it's good that you've recognised it and intend to do some about it. Hope you can do the Freedom Programme and/or counselling very soon.

And please do your best to stay away from BOTH men, actually all men until you've taken care of yourself for a bit and worked on those issues.

*something about it

So he has been alcohol and coke free for over 2 weeks. I did finish it and haven't seen him since that time. His birthday is coming up and he's going to drink then, just wanted to prove he didn't have a 'drink problem'. The coke said was a mistake and he is not going back there. I have stayed in contact during this time. I really miss him. He has told me some lies along this time re women on his FB but I do have serious trust issues and am always looking for things. Er, did I mention I really miss him. It's like a magnet drawing me to him. I joined a dating site to try and forget him and move on.... found him on there... he is the only one I have been talking to on there. Why oh why

What were the lies?