What do you make of this?

[duro1]

Through a family member met a man who is funny, full of life, smart, good looking (to me anyway). I've been on my own a long time and rarely get attracted to a man

So, we went on a couple of dates and on one of these dates he said that he was doing cocaine last night. I was bit shocked. He is 40 BTW. He is recently divorced and she wouldn't let him do it. He admitted he had been binging on it since break up as she wasn't there to say no and he was lost without his family. Anyway, I have done this in my much younger years and said so. Certainly not something I do now, or anything like this, with two very young children (not that their age makes a difference really).

So he has been lovely, kind, everything my last relationship wasn't. On Weds night he asked me out for a meal. He then said via text if he should get some coke in. I said not for me thanks. Then he said he was joking. He said another time and I just ignored it. Anyway, we went out to a stunning restaurant, had an amazing meal and he was pretty much the perfect gent. He was driving us home when he started saying 'shall we do a line'. I was a bit pissed and so sad that the night was now going like this. I said I'm not. He actually got it out his wallet and asked if I had a note. I handed one to him. He was saying are you going to, I said no. He said I won't if you won't. I said you do what you want.

Anyway he put it away and went back to his. Later that evening we were laying in bed together and I had to tell him that I was going to a birthday do for an hour for family member and that my ex would be there. He was so stressed by it and said I've got to have a line. I lay in bed so disgusted as I could hear him doing it. Yuk. He then went to the bathroom and came back in and said he flushed the rest away. I just went to sleep.

In morning I asked why he did it and he said cause of shock of what I told him. He said he had to throw rest away or would be up all night doing it

To me this is a major problem. To me it feels like he has a coke problem. Of course he insists he doesn't and can 'take it or leave it'. I am just so so so massively dissapointed and down that a man who seems so great and I have huge chemistry with would behave like this.

LTB I guess

Cabrinha

I think Oyster has it:
"You are absolutely batshit insane if you pursue this relationship."

Yep.

He's an addict. I had a friend like this. Doing coke on nights out turned into asking me to do it, getting me very drunk, culminating in trying to put a bomb in my drink and then insisted on walking me home when I left and then tried to get drugs delivered to my house. All the promising to stop, knowing it was bad made no difference to what he actually did which was take Coke at every opportunity. I completely cut him off after he tried to spike my drink/get the drugs ordered to my house.

He was my best friend of a decade and a lovely guy but you just can't be around an addict, they try and draw you into the drugs to make themselves feel more normal.

He has now lost his high flying job because he was often late/not in due to the drugs.

He keeps trying to contact me but I won't speak to him.

You need to do the same with this guy IMO.

Good point was made up thread about him personality.

I'm quite innocent re drugs.
Met a guy in a bar, liked him, went home with him, had sex, arranged a date.
Friend who was with me said - I know you're dim about drugs, you know he was coked to the eyeballs?
Me - oh? No.
Had date. Was lovely. Asked about coke, he said yeah but that he wouldn't pressure me. I laughed and said - well, you can't, I'm not pressurable.
Had two more dates - liked him a lot. He liked me.
After third date, he called me. Said I was a great girl, and that we fitted well together when he was on coke. But he was trying to cut the coke down, and when he was off it he thought I was too "up" for him, and he didn't fit with me.
Not entirely sure how to take my clean personality matching his high one 😂
We kept in touch for a while with no hard feelings. Fairly frequent funny texts asking for a booty call (never granted, always when high, always apologised for when clean)

Moral of the story: you date a coke user, you won't even know who you're dating.

You really want a relationship with a man whose piss you will need to test?

That's not a relationship. That's a nursemaid.

Get a grip, love.

Do you have a plan, OP?

(Does it involve 6 months away from him?)

I have decided I don't want to see him. He had some anger outbursts today via text, not against me, re his ex not letting him see his kids, and saying he was going to get arrested etc etc. I tried to calm him but later this afternoon realised I really cant be pulled into this shit.

I feel bad cause I only just agreed to see him again as he said he wasn't going to do coke anymore, and he has been through so much over last 6 months and came close to suicide.. I am scared to tell him. Not that i really think i mean THAT much to him, just that I gave him some relief from the problems in his life. I feel really bad for him

You've only had a few dates, you shouldn't even know he came close to suicide!
Fucksake, manipulative tosser!
Perhaps if he got clean he'd find his life might look up a bit.
Don't rescue him.
Don't feel guilty.
You don't have to focus on the drugs or the anger - just tell him you're not feeling the vibe, goodbye and good luck. (and frankly, good riddance)

You're making the right choice, no need to feel bad. I've broken up with guys for far, far less than being a suicidal drug addict with anger issues.

For God's sake, just cut all contact

he sounds like a needy prick and you sound like you have rescuer tendencies

it's not your job to hold him up ....the sooner you realise that, the better. He is a grown man. Keeping himself together is his job.

He has caused the problems in his life.

He would probably be happily married at home with his wife and children if he had got himself off drugs.
He probably wouldn't have been suicidal if he wasn't on drugs.
He would probably be in a loving relationship with you if he wasn't on drugs.
His exW would probably let him have more contact with his DC if he wasn't on drugs.

See the pattern. Don't feel bad for him. He is not an innocent wounded puppy. He is a junkie. He could choose to change. He chooses not to change. It is sad. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. After all, loss of his wife and children wasn't enough to trigger a change. All that triggered was more drugs and no treatment.

You are right, you don't mean THAT much to him. Definitely not huge buckets more than his children. Enough that he would stop drugs for you when he wouldn't for his children? Would you even want him if that were true?

He won't stop OP, and he has other issues too. You don't need all that crap. Like PP say, he's an adult and doesn't need looking after, he knows your weaknesses. The 'man' is lame..get rid, I have bitter experience, believe me he won't stop!

As a PP said.
Do the Freedom Programme.
You can do it on-line
Look up co-dependency - it might open your eyes to who you are!

Glad you have realised you need to finish it.
He's a coke head.
Likes a good drink.
Has already shown controlling behaviour.
And now the anger.

Run run run...
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

His problems were going on loooooong before you came on the scene.

And after you there'll be another soft hearted girl for him to headwreck.

Ghost him, if you want.

Get rid.
Freedom programme.
Enjoy being single.

He was driving you home and wanted a line in the car? Did I read that right?

So if you had said yes, would he have pulled over, had a snort and then carried on driving? It sounds like driving while coked up is no big deal to him.

Would you be happy for him to drive your kids anywhere? If not why are you happy to get in a car with him if you arent 100% sure he has'nt taken anything?

He could kill you both, what would happen to your kids then?

Thank Christ you've decided not to see this tosser again...I wondered wth was wrong with your head when you started talking about home testing his piss.

Oh gosh, run for the hills. Coke, anger, unresolved ex wife issues.. No no no.

Ugh. Exh all over. Just ugh.

YY to co-dependency and rescuer tendencies

Wow he has an addiction , you have very young children ! Do you even need to ask ? Run as far away from this loser as possible

Op...I could have written this post 2 nights ago... I had been dating a guy for 2 months, introduced by friends, he was the life and soul of the party. I had also been single for 6 years.
On Saturday night I found out the reason why, like you I have been there in my 20's and I do not have any interest in doing this again in my 40's.
I took a very hard choice there and then, and I left him in the pub...I feel terrible for walking away, as everything else was perfect....but once a addict always an addict, and he would end up dragging me down with him.
We deserve better, and we will find him!

Another one that has been in your position, but unfortunately I wasted a lot more time. I moved in, after him saying that coke was no longer an issue . . . .' why would I want to do that shit when ive got you here'? Then 18 months, & a lot of stress later, it was changed to 'you knew what I was like when we got together, why try & change me'? . . . I stayed & stayed, until I hit rock bottom & finally realised that I deserved more.

Sorry to talk about my situation op, just wanted to say that if you have a problem with him doing coke, then dont see him again, as strong feelings will make it ten times harder. Xxx

Thanks to those of your sharing your experiences with me. My ex has just been really abusive last couple of days and it has made me feel so low that I agreed to meet up with Mr Coke again. He told me he realises that drink was making him close to losing temper and he has now decided to give up drink until his birthday next month. He was just being all nice to me and I shouldn't have gone with it, now I'm supposed to be seeing him later and part of me wants to just for someone to be nice to me (yes I do realise how sad and lame that sounds but I do suffer PND and it seems to have kicked in again last few days, have upped my meds as had forgotten to take for few days), but part of me is saying no don't do it cause I know the reality but I think if I don't I will actually get even more down. I hate inside my head!

Please don't meet him. Can you visit friends or family instead?

You've explained about the coke, in an earlier post you said he was controlling, you've told us he's having anger outbursts. OP this man is no good for you or your mental health, you need to end it with him, he will only drag you down