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Original poster

What do you make of this?

138 replies

duro1 · 10/06/2016 20:35

Through a family member met a man who is funny, full of life, smart, good looking (to me anyway). I've been on my own a long time and rarely get attracted to a man

So, we went on a couple of dates and on one of these dates he said that he was doing cocaine last night. I was bit shocked. He is 40 BTW. He is recently divorced and she wouldn't let him do it. He admitted he had been binging on it since break up as she wasn't there to say no and he was lost without his family. Anyway, I have done this in my much younger years and said so. Certainly not something I do now, or anything like this, with two very young children (not that their age makes a difference really).

So he has been lovely, kind, everything my last relationship wasn't. On Weds night he asked me out for a meal. He then said via text if he should get some coke in. I said not for me thanks. Then he said he was joking. He said another time and I just ignored it. Anyway, we went out to a stunning restaurant, had an amazing meal and he was pretty much the perfect gent. He was driving us home when he started saying 'shall we do a line'. I was a bit pissed and so sad that the night was now going like this. I said I'm not. He actually got it out his wallet and asked if I had a note. I handed one to him. He was saying are you going to, I said no. He said I won't if you won't. I said you do what you want.

Anyway he put it away and went back to his. Later that evening we were laying in bed together and I had to tell him that I was going to a birthday do for an hour for family member and that my ex would be there. He was so stressed by it and said I've got to have a line. I lay in bed so disgusted as I could hear him doing it. Yuk. He then went to the bathroom and came back in and said he flushed the rest away. I just went to sleep.

In morning I asked why he did it and he said cause of shock of what I told him. He said he had to throw rest away or would be up all night doing it

To me this is a major problem. To me it feels like he has a coke problem. Of course he insists he doesn't and can 'take it or leave it'. I am just so so so massively dissapointed and down that a man who seems so great and I have huge chemistry with would behave like this.

LTB I guess

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/06/2016 20:56

It is that bad.

RivieraKid · 10/06/2016 20:59

He said he had to throw rest away or would be up all night doing it

Fucking hell, OP. He absolutely has a cocaine addiction - FWIW I used to pour bottles down the sink when feeling guilty or out of control for the same reason. Get out of that shit sandwich ASAP.

jillyarmeen16 · 10/06/2016 21:01

Maybe that radar is something you really need to explore? You're seeing a pattern emerging, not to answer here obviously if you don't want to but why do you think you attract dicks? Something from the past? Do you need to work on your self esteem and boundaries? Worth looking into.

RivieraKid · 10/06/2016 21:01

And another addiction bingo square with creating a situation to justify doing it. Argh.

Myfirstbornisacollie · 10/06/2016 21:04

Cokehead
He was looking for an excuse to do a line and used what you told him
Don't get in any deeper you are worth way more than that

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/06/2016 21:04

You haven't got a radar for the worst men. You've got a faulty ejector seat.

When someone confesses they are a coke addict on the second date, ditch them right then.

AnyFucker · 10/06/2016 21:06

Faulty ejector seat. So true.

OP, there is no shame in getting it wrong. But when they show you who they are, if you stay then you only have yourself to blame.

You are in control of that. Only you. Decide if this is ok with you. If it isn't, get the fuck out.

Original poster
duro1 · 10/06/2016 21:08

I'm just reading Getting Past your break up re boundaries and realised he way crossed mine by doing that after I said no. He is massively different in majority of ways to my ex apart from they are both very confident, sucessful, perhaps a bit arrogant, strong alpha male types.. but i find that attractive in a man, doesn't mean to say they are all abusive/addicts etc

He's showing many signs of controlling behaviour which as same as ex - and I thought I couldn't choose two people who were more different in their lifestyles

OP posts:
Original poster
duro1 · 10/06/2016 21:09

Faulty ejector seat. That is SPOT ON!!!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 10/06/2016 21:10

Sounds like you'd probably benefit from doing the Freedom Programme.

AnyFucker · 10/06/2016 21:12

You think this specimen is a "strong alpha male" ?

oh dear

purplefox · 10/06/2016 21:14

He said if get together properly he would stop altogether

But he can't stop for a night? How would he stop altogether?

LellyMcKelly · 10/06/2016 21:21

If he's doing it with your knowledge so early into the relationship, and on the pretext of being stressed because your ex would be at a party, and knowing you disapproved, then he has a problem.

Asprilla11 · 10/06/2016 21:32

I don't usually judge people if they take drugs recreationally (weed, ecstasy, coke) as I have done them in my past. There are hundreds of thousands of relationships where one of the partners takes drugs recreationally and the other partner doesn't, that's with and without kids and from all walks of life.

However there has to be agreement and rules between those partners as to where and when they are comfortable in the person doing it (I would imagine only when with certain friends and not the partner etc).

Your situation is different, he sounds like his first thought throughout the night was when I can I have a line, he knew it didn't look good in front of you so put it off until you mentioned the Ex, he used that as his excuse/justification for having a line, I doubt he was at all bothered about the Ex.

Did he go to the toilet when you were at the restaurant?

Iflyaway · 10/06/2016 21:48

A relationship with a cocaine addict will never give you what you want/need.

Because the coke is always more important than you.

Walk away. You will thank yourself.

Original poster
duro1 · 11/06/2016 14:22

He showed no signs of doing it during the evening, and to be honest he was quite happy to be open about it and do it openly so don't know why he would have hidden it earlier.

So I told him I think he has problem, and why, and said I don't want to be involved with someone with drugs issue. He has proclaimed he is falling for me and has now stopped coke as he could see I didn't like it, deleted dealers numbers etc., doesn't want it in his life.

?? :(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/06/2016 14:26

See that pig flying over there. ... ?

OooLookShoes · 11/06/2016 14:36

Easy, say to him, 'cool, get back to me when you've been clean for 6 months'

Then block his number and forget him.

Original poster
duro1 · 11/06/2016 14:38

Did I mention he likes drinking?

OP posts:
AskBasil · 11/06/2016 14:43

You know there's no dilemma here, don't you?

Just get on with LTB and move on with your life.

Cabrinha · 11/06/2016 14:43

Loving "faulty ejector seat".

See how he told you he couldn't do coke because of his ex? That's what he'll be saying about you to his next shag - cos you're a dull meanie like his ex Hmm

You know he's an addict and yet you still didn't walk away instantly. Your luck will not change until you give that ejector seat a service!

AnyFucker · 11/06/2016 15:52

You are wavering though, aren't you ?

SandyY2K · 11/06/2016 16:01

Steer well clear. He likes his coke and he won't stop. That's probably why his marriage ended.

Original poster
duro1 · 11/06/2016 17:41

Yes I am wavering cause he has said he will stop. I have put the barriers up and will just take it easy over the next week and see what happens.... first sniff ;) that he might be doing some and it will all be over. His wife had an affair which quite a lot of people know about, thats why the marriage is over.

OP posts:
SealSong · 11/06/2016 17:52

Even if he did stop the coke, which sounds unlikely, he may well replace it by heavy drinking, which brings its own nightmare.
He sounds too easy with his words, and you sound very easily persuadable.
I would not go there, I think you would be heading for a complicated, difficult and ultimately heartbreaking relationship when you have got someone who has got an addictive personality and a reliance on coke and or alcohol. It is a nightmare - i speak from bitter (past) experience.
You do not need this in your life.