What do you make of this?

[duro1]

Through a family member met a man who is funny, full of life, smart, good looking (to me anyway). I've been on my own a long time and rarely get attracted to a man

So, we went on a couple of dates and on one of these dates he said that he was doing cocaine last night. I was bit shocked. He is 40 BTW. He is recently divorced and she wouldn't let him do it. He admitted he had been binging on it since break up as she wasn't there to say no and he was lost without his family. Anyway, I have done this in my much younger years and said so. Certainly not something I do now, or anything like this, with two very young children (not that their age makes a difference really).

So he has been lovely, kind, everything my last relationship wasn't. On Weds night he asked me out for a meal. He then said via text if he should get some coke in. I said not for me thanks. Then he said he was joking. He said another time and I just ignored it. Anyway, we went out to a stunning restaurant, had an amazing meal and he was pretty much the perfect gent. He was driving us home when he started saying 'shall we do a line'. I was a bit pissed and so sad that the night was now going like this. I said I'm not. He actually got it out his wallet and asked if I had a note. I handed one to him. He was saying are you going to, I said no. He said I won't if you won't. I said you do what you want.

Anyway he put it away and went back to his. Later that evening we were laying in bed together and I had to tell him that I was going to a birthday do for an hour for family member and that my ex would be there. He was so stressed by it and said I've got to have a line. I lay in bed so disgusted as I could hear him doing it. Yuk. He then went to the bathroom and came back in and said he flushed the rest away. I just went to sleep.

In morning I asked why he did it and he said cause of shock of what I told him. He said he had to throw rest away or would be up all night doing it

To me this is a major problem. To me it feels like he has a coke problem. Of course he insists he doesn't and can 'take it or leave it'. I am just so so so massively dissapointed and down that a man who seems so great and I have huge chemistry with would behave like this.

LTB I guess

So in other words you're NOT going to dump the cokehead.

Righty ho. Let us know how that works out for you....

You're a fool.

He'll hide it better, he'll lie. He goes in strops and has to have a line. Why do you want to be with someone who gets stressed about you being in the same place as your ex? He is telling you who he is!!

Sorry, OP: I'm another who thinks you'd be crazy to carry on seeing this 'prize'.

He will lie, lie, lie to your face about this.

You will be constantly looking for signs of drug taking. Is that what you want?

Yes I am wavering cause he has said he will stop.

No he won't. He'll just hide it better.

Even if you're prepared to overlook the drug use - though heaven knows why - his stressing about you seeing your ex is a LTB worthy red flag in itself. What is saddest of all is that you can see where all this is going, but you are plowing on regardless. Give yourself a break and cut this unappealing specimen loose.

duro

Re your comment:-
"Yep i know, I know. Having had the shittest year of my life he suddenly walked into it and brought life and laughter and made me feel good. Just feel so sad to chuck it away, though of course deep down I know I must".

There are some red flags here with regards to your own self; namely the meeting him soon after a very low point in your life (so you were really targeted by him, abusive men often have radar for women in poor life situations because they are easier to exploit) and also this notion about chucking it away. We throw litter away; not relationships.

You might find yourself in a dead-end relationship but you say, “I can’t give it up because I have already put in x number of years and I have to make it work out”? You justify “riding a loser” or getting stuck on what you already have because you fear that walking away would mean that you wasted your time or money, you made a mistake, people will now say, “I told you so”, or you will then conclude, “I must be bad at making decisions because this one didn’t work out”. If you recognize any of this in yourself then you are suffering from commitment to sunk costs. You are trying to recover your investment by holding onto it because you cannot accept it is no longer working..

That is the sunken costs fallacy and it basically causes you to make poor relationship decisions. You're still making those. This man is a poor relationship decision and one you will bitterly live to regret.

You've basically gone from one abusive relationship straight into another one. This man uses cocaine; he is an addict and he will now drag you down with him if you are foolish enough to continue to be with him. He is telling you what you want to hear, you so want to believe him as well because you think he is wonderful. But he is not and what he is offering you is a mirage, an act he cannot maintain.

I also think his wife would give you a very different picture of him really; she walked away from his addiction just as you are going to have to do.
The longer you remain at all within this the more over invested you will get.

Your radar/ejector seat is well and truly off and that may have started in your own childhood. From that I would surmise as well that you are not ready to be in a relationship at all particularly when you have chosen so poorly again. You need to work on you and unlearn all the damaging crap you have learnt about relationships along the way. Enrolling on WA's freedom programme is a must do now.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your parents set you?. Is your dad a so called alpha type as well, did you always want or seek his approval too?. Was he emotionally absent?

And he wanted you to do it too.

That wasn't a red flag he was waving by any chance.

Jeez I'd have ran and not looked back.

duro

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs. You already have done this.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavor.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”

This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

No no no no! Please listen OP. Don't 'see what happens'. This is no good, really, you know it's not. You cannot wait and see. And if his wife had an affair... well that might not be the half of it, you just do not know what goes on in someone else's relationship no matter how many people know. Maybe they - and you - are getting a partial glimpse.

AnyFucker has spoken...

Do you have a tendency towards men who compensate?

He is compensating for a cocaine addiction that was so bad he became restless after not taking it and he's offered to replace it by becoming an alcoholic - alcohol will probably lower his willpower enough that he did cocaine anyway to be honest. He's offering you addiction with a pretty bow on it.

God woman...I'm jumping up and down on this tablet.

6 months before he even comes near you ...at least.

Block his number. He will find a way toe find you ...if he can get clean that is

But for heavens sake

RUN,

What you need to decide is if you want to be in a relationship with somebody who has an issue with coke. If you do, fine, crack on. If you don't, well then you need to run. Because he won't quit "for you". I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but do you really think you're "the one" the only woman who can change him? Do you think you can make him feel higher than cocaine does?

You've been given an insight in to what your life could be like. Do you like that vision? Of him making comments about wanting to do it but don't worry, he won't because he wants to be with you. Then even if he sticks to his word, you'll be the woman who's stopping him doing what he really wants to do. Or he won't stick to his word but he'll hide it from you. Do you want him to be sneaking around behind your back?

Op is determined to learn the hard way. Twas ever thus

He will still do it he just won't tell you. Him being jealous of your ex when you've been seeing him 5 minutes would be enough for me to send him packing let alone the drugs.
You are absolutely batshit insane if you pursue this relationship.

I think you are just fooling yourself as you like him.He's clearly got a problem and if you decide to carry on seeing him you're walking into a world of pain. Tell him to go to NA and you'll see him in 3 months time and see how serious he really is.

Oh he's good, he's got all the right answers to keep you dangling on a string

Totally agree with the unanimous advice you have been given. Even assuming that he is serious about giving up coke, I understand that coke addicts get very unpleasand during withdrawal. Tell him to go to NA and stay away from him, you have children and they should be your priority here.

Ummm this sounds like one of them relationships that give it 2 years you'll look back and think wtf was I thinking even pursuing this. From that small snippet you have given us not a single person thinks you should stay with him, do your future self a favour and walk away now!!!
Even if he's not an addict he's obviously very selfish. Who gets out coke and does it whilst with them knowing they don't want it around. Just inappropriate and rude isn't it! 😂 why would you want a guy that clearly doesn't take into account your feelings and that's at the beginning of the relationship!!! You have 2 young children- you know deep down this is not a good idea! Yes you may feel heartbroken now and be looking at his positives but think 5 years down the line how heartbroken you'l be to have wasted time on someone like that Xx

I don't think she'll be back....

Word of warning. Who you fell in love with may not be who you think. Coke heads often come across as funny, charismatic and confident which can be very appealing traits in a man. When they are down they are tired and depressed.

And if she does this will be her next post..."You were all right"..in a couple of months time when she's in too deep....

'She' is back.

Thanks to those for constructive posts. This afternoon I joked I would drug test him and he said absolutely fine, I could test his piss whenever I wanted. Now I would never know how you would drug test someone... having looked it up it would see urine test is the home test method.

His wife is on FB - I wish I could contact her just to ask about cocaine use but I know that would be really unfair on her.

He hates me being around my ex as my ex is verbally abusive to me and says stuff about my new bloke (even though he has never met him or knows anything about him)... he knows I put up with a lot of shit from ex verbally as if I argue back will rock the boat and he will not see the kids and I really, really need a break sometimes

Why do you need to ask the XW about the coke use though?

Things you know:

• he uses coke
• he has to flush it to stop himself doing it all night (so, can't trust himself to just put it aside )
• he pushes you to use it too when you've said no
• he uses it not just for fun but in response to 'stress' about your ex

He sounds like a dick.

I've never had so much as a regular cigarette but I know that drug testing can be done via urine testing. I don't get the relevance of that comment?

You had an insight yesterday that he had seriously overstepped your boundaries.

So this guy is unsuitable bf material for two reasons.

By the way, my fiancé isn't overly impressed by my XH. Recently my XH "stole" a date I wanted my daughter for a holiday and that impacted fiancé and family too.

Guess what? My fiancé sympathised with me, reassured me not to feel bad about the impact to him, was constructive about how to prevent similar next year, and declared my XH a dick.

Which, I don't know... seems kinda better than storming off to the loo to stuff powder up his nose. More... supportive 😂