FindingNewMo - Part V

[MoKoKo]

Latest one...

I think you should tell your children before he comes home. They are on holiday so will have time to acustomise before new term;
I wouldn't will delay it, He will not admit his part of the blame, he will refuse to participate, or say "This is Mummy's fault".
They need the truth, they need to be able to see him for what he is.
There will never be a "right time." You would have time to answer their questions & be calm & less stressed.

There will be no going back, is this why you are stalling in reality?

Truth is I don't really know what to say. I can't give them any certainty about what will happen because I don't know yet. I can't reassure them about much except that I will always be here with them. I don't like to leave them dangling though, with questions I can't answer properly. Of everything that's happened, this is by far the hardest bit.

Yes, if you wait until he's back, he will deny point blank that it is happening in front of the kids, which will be far worse for them.

Where are you with a financial settlement? The main issue to resolve is the house, and I think you want to sell? Can he afford to buy you out?

I'm at that point tonight where I'm so totally exhausted yet I have so many things to do that I can't help myself from thinking if he had to do what I do every day for even one week, he'd be hiring an au pair, a cleaner and a gardener just to keep afloat.
Sometimes I gasp when I look at my pile of unsorted laundry and want to sob! The list is endless, as you all know, and just as you think you're getting on top of everything you realise the pile has started again or you've forgotten something.
I'm taking the kids away for a few days and I feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew already. Matter of interpretation and mood, probably, but just for a few days, the amount of work for one person is horrific! He'll never ever know though, because it would never occur to him even to take his own three children away on his own.
Just feeling a tad overwhelmed. I needed to write it down!

Tribpot: the words buy me out terrify me. Him, buy my half of the house and keep it for him while we live in a place half the size? I need some financial advice on that, I don't know if theoretically he could or not. I'd rather just sell up completely and start again. Him live here with the kids coming to stay? The thought terrifies me. That would be the worst possible outcome for me.

The children probably won't give a stuff that you and him are getting divorced. You are already separated, they already barely see him, they don't know him. I bet they'll do little more than shrug. I wouldn't worry about careful timing.

Has he responded to the mediation woman with a date? I remember if he ignored her/pissed her about she was all gungho for initiating court proceedings.

Elspeth, no, presumably because his return date has been delayed. But I've not had contact with her. It's still in the air.

Run rabbit - my eldest has said to me a couple of times this week when's daddy coming back, I want daddy etc. A bit out of the blue and all I've done is just shrug my shoulders and say I don't know and then change the subject, as I always do if he comes up in conversation.
But I can see that it's possible he will just accept it as nothing will change immediately and he's used to it being just us. And been just fine. I hope it's like that anyway.

Are you still holding out hope of a financial settlement that allows you to stay in the house? If so, start pushing forward with that. I know it's theoretically possible but reasonably unlikely? This is the reality of your situation - maybe after your holiday it's time to take some advice about what can realistically be achieved.

I either want to stay in the house with the kids, or sell up and have a fresh start but over my dead body will this house belong to him alone. No way.
Can't move forward until I get a yes or no from him about entering discussions with mediator. I'm not pinning hopes on one more than the other though, just what we can work out as painlessly as possible.
I just want to get to the next stage.

How long will the court regard as reasonable to wait for him to agree (or not) to mediation? If the clock isn't ticking whilst he's abroad, he will no doubt stay there to prevent you from moving forward.

I can't see him being willing to let his super-fancy kitchen go.

I think you must tell the children asap, that gives them a chance to process it and ask questions of you before their father comes home. If they ask him questions via skype, perhaps you might "lose the connection" at pertinent times. I think we all understand that you are scared of his reaction when he realises you've told them but at least you'll be able to control what they are told in these early days.

I agree that there is no incentive for him to return. Unless his company literally boots him out, which they certainly haven't done so far. I'm presuming you are merely going by his information regarding his future plans of returning. But he is the one casting you into limbo which is just more control.

If he stays away everything stays frozen unless you get mad and initiate court proceedings regardless of his presence.
He is betting (correctly) on you having no appetite for that. So he currently gets no hassle other than the odd tsk tsk from you, and can wait away till it all blows over.

This could stay in limbo for a long while to come unless YOU decide otherwise.

Elspeth is right, if he can prolong facing the music, he will, it means he doesn't have to deal with it, pay, or sell anything, tell his family & friends, & feel the fall out.
I would contact the mediation woman, & say he is STALLING, he is intentionally being vague & giving dates, then changing them, this is more abuse. meanwhile he disappears on w/e's, but never a quick 3 days home to see reintroduce himself to his offspring.
The point to working abroad was to earn more for the family, he is not even coming home to take them on a summer holiday, he has checked out, he has seen his kids for approx 24 hours in how many months ???
He doesn't care, he doesn't want mediation. leaving it as it is IS THE CHEAPEST SOLUTION THAT COULD BE FOUND.
(free childcare, low overheads, no payments to XW & foot still in property....)
whilst still enjoying his power trip, humiliation & abuse.

Mo, I think you have to stop waiting for him and go ahead yourself. Email with status reports bare bones - or let your shl do it (better). You have a shl, don't you? I'm sorry, I've forgotten those bits.

If you keep waiting for him you will spend the rest of your life like this. You are giving him back all the power. He doesn't need to give you the OK to go ahead. He knows what you want and he's ignoring it and delaying, because he thinks you won't go any further without his permission, so he's having a lovely time being a shit while you're standing still.

How's things ? Are you enjoying the school holidays ?

Any news when he's returning ? I bet he's stalking it so he doesn't have to face the music as currently he is still the big I am family man !!

Mo, is he home?

How are you mo? I've read your threads from the beginning and never posted, been thinking of you the last few days as you've been quiet x

Thinking of you Mo. Let us know how it is all going. KOKO xx

Hi...I'm back. Not that I've been anywhere Just been rather occupied over the summer hols!
No he's not back. And the summer from hell that I'd been dreading for so many months, due to his likely return which hasn't actually happened yet, has so far been quite lovely. Aided of course by the amazing weather.

It's easy to say just go ahead without him...but I can't do that till he sets foot in the UK again as it's harder for me to chase him for maintenance while he's abroad. If I knew his living abroad was going to last longer, I'd chase up enforcement abroad, but there's no point since it's meant to be short term. I simply can't move out and start paying rent in a suitable place without proper financial assistance from him.

But yes I am tired of living like this. But I feel quite strongly now that the kids should stay in their home. They are so settled here and it would be insane to sell up in this area as this property will always hold its value due to its location and size. It would be a huge loss to us all to lose it - for him from a long term financial perspective, for me for that too but also for the children for a multitude of reasons (which obviously I don't expect him to understand). I find it very hard to envisage a future for them without it being right here. Who the hell knows what hell will break loose when he's back though. It's entirely possible I will just want to get the hell out of here when that happens. Just enjoy living here so much right now. With my children.

Glad to see that you and your children are well, Mo.

Good to hear from you Mo. Sounds like you're doing everything right and, although the limbo is hard, you're not dancing to his tune. KOKO

He must be prolonging the time away deliberately.
Is there any way you can contact his employer to find out what the long term plan really is ?

Good to hear all is going well for you Mo. I hope he gives you some idea of timescales soon.