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Original poster

FindingNewMo - Part V

412 replies

MoKoKo · 08/06/2016 12:21

Latest one...

OP posts:
Original poster
MoKoKo · 19/07/2016 22:51

Hi Mix, I'm ok, thanks for asking.

I snapped this morning because his bloody uselessful cards still haven't arrived, a week after telling him I need to buy the kids summer clothes. Just fucked off really. Making them wait a week for something so simple which I could have sorted seven days ago and they would have had some fresh summery clothes to wear in this lovely weather. Not the biggest problem in the world but obviously I am far from complaining about actual clothes, just his pathetic need to make us wait, completely at his mercy, so he believes.
I just want to move out of here and move on. Can't take another minute of this pathetic nonsense.

But apart from the usual shit, I'm fine. Even though the holiday is not going to happen any more. I hate inflated summer holiday prices.

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Original poster
MoKoKo · 19/07/2016 23:04

Mo just wants to MOMO (move out and move on) Grin

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Memoires · 21/07/2016 23:15

So sorry about your holiday, Mo. Can you go camping? Great fun, especially for kids.

He's giving you so much evidence, every time he does that sort of crap. Does it help to think of it like that? At least the weather's getting cooler again. Small mercies ....

Original poster
MoKoKo · 22/07/2016 11:27

Memoires....I can't work out who you were pre NC!
Yes think we've figured out a cheaper and shorter alternative so we have something to look forward to over the summer. It will be fun even though it's on a shoestring!
Cards still haven't arrived btw...I've told him to cancel as it's obviously not working and send the cash ASAP but no response. I am calm. Ish.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoKoKo · 24/07/2016 19:45

I was so not in the mood to be livid today. He's lied about why he has been unable to skype the children this weekend. He failed to skype yesterday or today despite my attempts to contact him to see why he wasn't bothering to skype his children or at least explain why he wasn't going to. So I had a suspicion he had gone away but couldn't find any concrete evidence. I contacted one of his friends to see if he'd had any contact this weekend and he said although not directly he could see he'd been online through online comments etc. Eventually, probably prompted by friend contacting him, he came back and 'explained' that he's had internet problems. MY ARSE. So why not borrow a friend's phone? Or actually make a proper actual landline phone call? He lives in a city, not the back of beyond! He's just a loser. A sad, selfish loser and the continual disappointment is a like a punch in the stomach each time. Just desperately sad nothing has changed and that I will have to deal with this sort of nonsense for another 15 years.

I saw a thread the other day asking if her xH's suggestion to have the DC once every other weekend was too little. Most people said yes as far as I read up to. For me, that would be too much. He needs to stay away from them. Far away.

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Namechanger2015 · 24/07/2016 22:09

Mo you are bloody amazing! Please make sure you keep hold of all of his emails to you as these might be useful evidence later on. They will show his financial abuse quite clearly.

TheSilveryPussycat · 25/07/2016 11:24

The usual advice for contact (other things being equal) is every other weekend plus one day a week during term time. On many threads where there is physical or emotional abuse, posters will be advised to seek reduced, supervised, or zero contact.

Can you possibly change "livid" to "wryly and grimly amused, with a hefty dose of cold steely anger"?

Barmaid101 · 27/07/2016 16:07

I come and check to see how your doing every now and again! He really is a useless waste of space! He doesn't deserve the title of father! A father wants to know about their kids days, wants to provide for his kids, wants to speak to his kids, wants to make sure they are clothed and fed well, he is just a pathetic human being!

Original poster
MoKoKo · 28/07/2016 23:48

Silvery - actually why am I worried about contact? He'll be much more worried about it impacting on his precious weekend sports commitments.
I was just making arrangements with a friend who has been a SP for a while and it didn't even occur to me that she would be child free the weekend I suggested. I just can't imagine not having my DC with me. And I don't really want to if it means they are with him or with someone he's dumped them on.

Thanks Barmaid for checking up on me Smile What you said sounds obvious (and I do know that really) but I've been so used to him not giving them priority, now that you say it, it is indeed unbelievable that he doesn't prioritise all those things.

Anyway...doing OK. I find that when I do have a slump because of him, I get over it much faster and more easily than I used to. I'm getting there.

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Namechanger2015 · 29/07/2016 11:18

MoKoKo, my exH also played the contact game as well - he would fight to have the kids go and live with him, I would only see them half of the time, etc etc.

But he was very much like your husband, he was financially abusive, and I am hauling him through the courts to get enough money to house and support our children. He and I are spending a fortune to fighting over money, but not once over this time as he made any move to gain custody of the children. It's been the one thing that actually terrified me, that he would have the children, but he can't be arsed in reality. I am so sure yours will be the same.

It seems to be s script they work from, and its uncanny how similar all abusers seem to be in the end. Selfish and cowardly. Your children will thank you for having the courage to leave.

Memoires · 29/07/2016 11:41

Hi Mo, I am absolutely sure that he won't want the children. Keep notes of everything, of course, so you can show the Court, if it comes to it, exactly how interested he is in them - not much!

Good to know that you're finding it easier to shake off the effects of him. One day, you'll have a gobsmacking moment in response to some idiocy of his or other, and then it'll be gone, barely noticeable. The 'wry and grimly amused' stance is an excellent and powerful one.

tribpot · 29/07/2016 11:45

It's hilarious when he's made such a fuss about you not facilitating note-perfect Skype contact when he wants it, but perfectly alright for him just to sod off for the weekend without notice. I hope you will revert more to the position you had earlier, where Skype contact would happen if it was convenient for you but you did not plan your life around making the children available.

Have the cards/money turned up?

Original poster
MoKoKo · 29/07/2016 21:40

The cards: after two weeks of him saying they'll arrive in the post - which they never did - he chased them and it turns out there was an error and they were never even sent. So he told me this and just transferred the money instead. If he'd just done that in the first place...No apology from him of course.

I never actually discovered whether he did go away last weekend and he didn't defend himself when I told him I knew he'd been online. I'm still looking out for clues...but whatever...this has all happened before.

He has only seen his kids for a few hours (in total) in seven months. He talks to them for 15 minutes a week or less. He hardly knows them any more, certainly not the younger two. He's never asked about their sports days, or their school reports, or any parents' evenings, or any achievements, milestones, latest interests, likes, dislikes. NOTHING. He doesn't see any photos because I've blocked him from social media and I don't send him any and he never asks for any. It's astonishing really. What the hell is going on in his brain that he has more time for beer and football than his own small children? I'll cry if I keep writing this stuff.

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notapizzaeater · 29/07/2016 23:08

He's just a tosser. He will wonder in later years why his children don't want a relationship,with him

DollyTwat · 30/07/2016 00:39

Mo the way he treats your kids will hurt you more than anything he ever did to you. What you have to remember is this: if you could have changed him into the kind of dad you wanted for your kids, you would probably still be with him. You couldn't. And you're not.
You cannot change him
He will be the kind of dad he wants to be. You can't change that

DollyTwat · 30/07/2016 00:42

And, sorry to say this, but by the time he wants to be a proper dad, your kids will most likely forgive him and forget the years of struggle you had. That's just the way it is. You get over it, I have had to. I'm glad my ex is being a dad to one of our two dc. It took him 10 years but he got there. For ONE of them

Original poster
MoKoKo · 31/07/2016 08:51

"Last week I gave mummy lots of money to buy you some clothes, did she buy you anything?" - overheard on skype. He's checking up on me. He 'gave' me the money. Lots of it apparently. He is feeding down to them the idea that it is HIS money, nothing to do with me, and he is reminding them of that and that they should be grateful.
Didn't help that my eldest said "not really" (I bloody have, but never mind). He will obviously interpret that as I've stolen his money and am using it for other things.

I don't usually listen in but had to walk away after that point. However he is still feeding them the idea that he's going to come back and everything will be normal - telling them when he's back they'll be playing whatever in the garden, when really he should be saying when he comes back things will be a little bit different, and preparing them for what's going to happen. I think I will just have to tell the kids and then they will question him and what will his reply be to that?

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Berthatydfil · 31/07/2016 09:30

What a twat.

Berthatydfil · 31/07/2016 09:33
  • sorry posted too soon
Him obviously. Like they are going to register /be interested that they have been bought new clothes.
Memoires · 31/07/2016 15:23

I think you should tell the kids. They do need to be prepared for whatever changes are going to happen.

How are things moving, atm?

mix56 · 31/07/2016 15:28

I thought you had told the kids?

ElspethFlashman · 31/07/2016 15:30

Gosh I thought you'd told them already.

Yes, if he's feeding them a pack of lies then it is not nice for them. Better they're armed against it. After all, they have all week to clarify their subsequent thoughts/worries etc with you.

Was he always going to be gone this long? Was this the way your family always was, separated most of the year like this? I can't remember.

What is the rationale for him being abroad for 7 months? We're you meant to come out and join him originally?

notapizzaeater · 31/07/2016 16:30

Love his definition of loads of money !

My DS would not have any idea he's got new clothes, new toy yes but clothes - nada !

I'd sit them down and start telling them it's going to be different. When is he due home ?

Original poster
MoKoKo · 31/07/2016 16:41

I was going to tell them. But I just can't find the right moment so keep putting it off. There is never a good time really. On a school night? No. Before sports club? No. On a Friday night before they speak to their dad the next morning? No. In between a party and a play date at the weekend? No. While they are happy playing out in the garden? While we are on holiday for a few days? Honestly I know the right time to do it simply doesn't exist but I suppose because he's not here, it's less pressing and harder for me to judge when to do it. Maybe their full schedule is a good thing, will keep them distracted and busy. And things will remain the same - until he comes back and rocks our happy little boat.

He was meant to have returned by now but there has been a delay of sorts.
Elspeth - we were all living abroad. I returned with the kids ahead of him, knowing that he only had a few months left to complete his assignment.

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ElspethFlashman · 31/07/2016 17:16

Oh ok, sorry I'd forgotten how it started.

How on earth does he justify his long separation from the kids?

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