FindingNewMo - Part V

[MoKoKo]

Latest one...

He loves to keep all the power to himself Mo - whether it's money or information, he likes to hang on to it. I agree you should tell the children asap. I told mine in a very low-key way in order to avoid a huge drama. You don't know when he will be back and I don't think you want him taking the initiative. You're brilliant

I'm sorry I don't know the legal ins of outs of separation in your situation, I leave that for wiser people to advise on, Mo, but it sounds like the status quo at the moment isn't too bad, apart from the maintenance aspect. At least he is staying away and you don't have to move for the moment.

Enjoy your children, your house and his absence.

yes, but its a false calm. P knows your relationship id over, it cannot be otherwise with his lack of presence & input. He is not communicating, he is abroad, you don't know where, or with whom, he is refusing any demands to sort this out. he is simply absent.

Have you still not told the kids? When they next ask when their father is coming home.......... perhaps you should say "we need to talk about this"... sit them all down, & say Mummy & Daddy can't live together anymore. & answer their questions gently & truthfully. "Adults sometimes don't get on anymore" reassure them that they will still be loved by both of you.
They will ask where they are going to live.
say you hope you will be able to stay in the house but that depends on Daddy.

Dip alert.
I've woken up to a real low. Need to get going and turn this around. I can't let him make me feel so utterly awful. I don't care about grieving for a lost relationship, for having lived a lie for who knows how long, I cannot bear him caring so little for his children, that's the killer every time. I can't stand that he honestly has no idea what bringing children up really means. Fob them off to old relatives for free and poor quality child care, be around them as little as possible, buy them occasional treats to feel like a good parent, not really be interested when they have achieved something unless it's worthy of showing off to other people, his values absolutely SUCK and my children will know a parent who really loves them from one who puts other things first.
Said it all before I know I know, but it keeps coming back to haunt me.
It's the loneliness, the lack of companionship, someone to chat to in the kitchen while making dinner, someone to watch tv with, someone to say no don't worry you stay there, I'll go and make us a cup of tea. But of course Prick never did any of those things. He would always be preoccupied with his stuff. Never me. To realise you've never really been loved after all by someone for 15 years is quite harrowing.

I know I'll come out of this and be happier, I know I will. It's just getting through this part which is like pure torture sometimes. I have become quite good at detaching myself from it all in order to cope, but I did the stupid thing of listening to him chat to the kids this morning. Shouldn't have bloody done it. That's all it takes! Who am I kidding thinking I can ever reach any sort of civil agreement with him about anything.

Well, you're right Mo. He is flexing his power muscles over you by simply doing nothing and making you wait, telling you nothing, doing the bare bare minimum.

Whatever it is you're going to do, if you start doing it now then you'll at be on the road with the light at the end of the tunnel, (if you'll excuse mixed metaphors!).

Action of any sort is more positive than inaction.

It's not helping dragging it out. You need a plan with dates - I think he thinks if he doesn't come home he doesn't have to deal with it, he is "still married" until he has to come home.

Get 3 or 5 estate agents in to value the property. I know you want to stay there, and you will probably, but if you get valuations and then email him with them, it will probably prod him into doing something. Getting valuations is not a commitment, you're not putting yourself in a position where you've promised to sell or anything.

Meanwhile, what stage are you at with your own divorce paperwork? You're waiting on him for something or other which will never come. It is waaay past time for a mediator to have officially given up on getting his cooperation, surely?

Yes you're right. All I need is a concrete date and I can at least start making a plan. I'm dangling and it's not doing my mental health any good.

I know I can get it valued. But I already have a good idea what it's worth. But yes probably a good idea to let him know I've done it. But my gut is telling me we'll stay here. No idea how. Why do you also say we might stay? We are not married btw, so there is no equivalent of a mesher order that would ensure we stay here until kids are older. We'd have to work it out purely between ourselves. And what's the betting he'd only be willing to do that if I signed away my half of the house.

Getting the valuations isn't so you have an idea of what it's worth though. It's so you can email him telling him,

I have arranged valuations on our property, the results os which are:
Estate Agent 1 £x
Estate Agent 2 £x
Estate Agent 3 £x
etc

Which is a) action on your part, improving your mh; b) informing him that you are acting regardless of his inaction.

This, I hope, would show him that he really doesn't have you in a stranglehold, that you are a free agent who can make decisions for yourself.

Or, you could have the valuations done and sit on them for a while; just knowing you've done it in spite of his efforts to shut you down will improve your outlook. You're going to have to have them done at some point anyway, why not now?

Yes you are right you need to be active now
Being inactive is a kind of shock reaction to your realisations and grieving your relationship
So now is the time for action
Make a plan and act on it
Do you have a solicitor, make a plan with her/him.
Tell them that you want to stay in the house and work towards that, if you can and think it would work, inform dickwad that from now on communications are to be between him and the solicitors as you are no longer a couple.
Get some rl support, what helped me was the fact that from his perspective it wasn't just me saying things to him it was official people on my behalf who he couldn't just ignore as he could with me
Get the valuations, talk to banks mortgage people be guided by your solicitor on their advice re money
Apply for anything and everything you can,

Sorry pressed too soon
Tell your children
Tell their friends parents
Tell other people
Tell your friends tell your relatives
Tell the school what's going on as making them aware shows the school how caring you are
Make it official in your life
If he denies any of this it just shows hi. Up as being the unreasonable one that he is

Hi Mo, I saw this and thought of you... Remember he was wearing a mask and deliberately fooled you....

Mamas, good advice, thank you. However I have done all those things already, I've had six months to do them in. The only thing I haven't done is get my own proper financial advice, which is really what I feel would empower me the most - figuring out if I do have some equity, what I can do with it on my own in this area (it won't go far).

Stormsurfer - that describes him and how I have responded down to a tee.

Sorry, it is me

How have thing been, MoKoKo? How are you?

Mo? How are you? Have been wondering and hope all is OK now that schools are heading back.

Hope alls well Mo x

Mo ? returning to see if P is back? I hope all is well ?

Still cheering you on from the sidelines, hoping that no news from you is good news.

Thinking of you.

Sorry for going AWOL. I'm still here, he's still not here...so no change other than ever increasing frustration. Every time I find out he won't be back (mainly through other channels), I feel temporary relief and then the pressure starts building again. It shouldn't be much longer before he's back this time. And benefits people will be on my back demanding an update to see if I'm still eligible...and I won't know again where I stand as absolutely ZERO has changed in the past six months.
Six months ago I was expecting to have dealt with the worst bit and already be starting to sort things out.

He's such an idiot. I can't even say arsehole would be accurate - he's more of an idiot than an arsehole (or an arsehole via his predominant idiocy). He just cannot cooperate with me in any shape or form on any issue, large or small. I could punch something right now.

I am going to punch something. Why is he such an idiot?