How much 'me time' does your partner allow you to yourself to keep you sane?

[Candlefairy101]

I don't know where to begin but I'll start with a small 'conversation' last night,

DH- what's wrong
ME- stressed
DH- why are you so stressed
ME- not sure think it's because I have three small children (5yr, 21month, 3month) I do the same thing day in and day out even in the weekends
DH- change that then
ME- ok, I'll take one evening of the week to do something
DH- yea there's loads you can do with the kids...
ME- I mean by myself
DH- .......(silence)

DH went to put his shoes away so I said alright I'm gonna pop down BF for a coffee, bottles are already made, baby still asleep...

DH then said 'well I'm going to work' I said' but you just put your shoes away' he said 'yea, because I was going to get a shirt'??? Makes zero sen e but if I say anything he'll just make out in being weird and difficult.

Because I suffer with depression, he will always say that when I'm annoyed and upset with him or kids (very rare to I feel stressed either children but have done last few days as they have been ill) he has the excuse to say that it's my depression playing up. I never know if it is my mental health or its him?

I have been with him since school so I really don't know any different, I have nothing to compare our relationship to but I feel totally lost and crazy!

How much time do you spend on your me time if you have young children just so I know I'm not being unreasonable to ask?

I am a SAHM by choice, I worked and qualified in my trade with my 1st child and choose to take time off with my 2nd and 3rd, I have no money. I have to ask for money which I hate doing, we have a joint account and I have my own, if I have any money in there I leave it because he will take it sometimes and say it's for bills, I really don't know otherwise.

I used to deal with all the money but since the breakdown 3 years ago I've taken a step back, I feel like a child. I am a shell of who I used to be.

I went out to a festival recently, DH very unsociable so didn't go, he silently looks down on me for drinking and socialising so I don't go anywhere anymore, even if I'm watching something like Geordie shore, he'll come in a snicker saying look how stupid all these people are

... It's really hard to explain all this so please bare with me and try to understand

I do every night shift, he has never had all three children by him self so how can he even question why I could have been stressed yesterday?

He says that all these years I can't just be happy with what I've got and I am, but I have three children and we live with my parents because he's work is so unpredictable (self employed) few years ago he racked up lots of debts, this was when I had the breakdown and I was pregnant.

At the same time I had to spend 3 weeks on a mental health unit because my depression was so bad, he came to visit me once! I was heavily pregnant, the once time he did come to see me he had a fresh new hair cut and clean clothes a

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

Rainbowzippy She does have a lot to look forward to she wants to build her career. If he doesn't have the same ambition then is it worth it can he improve himself for his children.

[magicboy79]

I get zero me time, but it's my own fault as I don't like leaving the kids and don't want to go to a gym of play sport. I always mean to start walking at night but I've bad hay fever this time of year plus my husband doesn't get home from work until half 6 then we have our dinner, I'm trying to tidy up after dinner, keep a hyper 21 month old and chirpy 8 month entertained and get their supper and ready for bed around 8. Just no time.
We do get he odd night out for a meal but it's with him so he gets it too! most things are events we have to go to like weddings or family birthdays and I don't like asking my parents to watch the kids at the weekends as they watch them 3 days a week while I'm at work and help me out a lot.
My husband is going to some gig in belfast this day with his brothers and then hel be wrecked on Sunday plus wanting to watch the euros, then he's back to work Monday morn. So il have a fun weekend ahead!

[P1nkP0ppy]

Hell's bells 😡 I feel for you op.
When our dcs were young we were farmers, so DH's help was limited and sometimes unpredictable but I still had time for me because DH understood how important it was. I did night duty so he had to look after the dcs, and somehow it worked. I don't think we actually discussed it, it was implicit somehow.
Your DH is a mind-screwing abuser op. He's calculating and knows how to pull your strings, he's despicable.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

I think its to easy to say leave an abuser I tried for 10 years with my mother and it never worked. I can't have a normal conversation with my family.

What do you want for the future. Funny don't get far at all. You're children will get older can you see you're self spending the rest of you're life with him.

[Candlefairy101]

Seems silly but I'm just writing a daily routine for me and the kids which doesn't include partner so it gives me a bit of confidence that I actually can get through the day without him,

The only time in the day I worry about it having the 'break' I.e get washing done/dinner done without a baby and a toddler up my star at the same time. Even tho he's just sat there it's such a breather to know that someone's there in the room with them and it not me while trying to juggle things.

I'm trying to order routine so that 21 month old and 3 month old have a nap at the same time so then I can have a bit of a breather but prob gonna be easier said than done

Also really trying to figure out how to relax in the evenings, haven't figured out that one yet so any advice on a good daily chilled routine would really help ladies!

Thank you all so much I feel I little bit more positive doing this now x

[AristotleTheGreat]

No DH doesn't sitvdown when coming home. To start with he is usually first back home so gas to pick up DC from after school club and then he has to feed them.
I do all the drop off at school and he is doing 3 out of 5 pick ups from after school club.
I'm Also away a few weeks end in the year so he is on his own with them. But he will take them to do some activities at the weekend anyway. Sometimes I join them, sometimes I don't.
My dcs are older than yours now but that was the case when they were babies too. I have been known to hand dc3 over to him as soon as he stepped into the house (so I could dinner wo dc3 crying or wo having him on my hip etc)

[AristotleTheGreat]

Btw when my 2 were that age, I did sync their nap in the afternoon. It helped a lot a dcwasnt that hard to do (until dc1 turned 3yo...)

[BlueLeopard]

Typical daily routine for us - I've the longer commute so leave the house earlier than DP. I drop DC off at nursery on my way. DP picks them up in the evening, but by the time I commute back, we are usually home within about 15 mins of each other, more if I stop off to get groceries for dinner which I usually do as it suits us to do short shops daily or every second day rather than a weekly trolley load. We've a tiny kitchen with fuck all storage space!

Usually DP and DC have a snack when we get home, I'll sit down with them too and have a cuppa. Then we get stuck in to the chores - DP might sort laundry & straighten up the place, DC plays, I'll prep dinner and put away any dishes left from the night before, general tidy up while keeping an eye on dinner. We all sit for dinner, then its bath time, usually we take turns, or depending on who's free if the other is doing a hobby. Ditto with bedtime story, we take turns. And used to do turns for night waking and still do turns when DC wake us in the morning and the other can get another 30 mins of sleep.

I'm the organiser, usually the one to remind everyone about a party /gift, events, bills due etc. I pay the nursery fees and the rent, so very little left out of my wages every month. DP pays the smaller bills and I just take money from his wallet as I need for shopping, my lunches, my hobby etc. I don't have to ask, but do let him know I took money so he's not caught at a checkout somewhere unaware that I've temporarily cleaned him out.

At the weekend, we each have a lie-in. Usually a bigger joint clean up on Saturday morning and this is when we mop the floors, do the bathrooms, change sheets etc. DP cooks breakfast then we try to do something together as a family.

[Emeralda]

OP I hope writing out a routine will help but I think you should be doing less, not more. You can't compare managing on your own while he's there to managing entirely on your own because it's absolutely not the same. If you were managing on your own, you wouldn't have his expectations, criticism and general negativity to deal with on a daily basis, for a start. He'd be delighted if you were doing more, I'm sure.
Have you had any counselling at all? I agree with the previous poster who suggested going to your GP. Whether it's post- natal depression or not, I think it would really help boost your confidence to speak to someone outside all of this on a regular basis.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

I watch a film it helos me wind down. Even if I'm up with the baby I can still get lost in a film.

[Candlefairy101]

Oh god I'm scared, if you ladies think I sound depressed then there's every possibility I've gone bonkers again.

What if I'm not thinking straight and he's right when he says it's because I'm depressed, I could be making a huge mistake. God I'm so confused I feel like I can't trust my own eyes anymore

[AristotleTheGreat]

No No No No

Even if (and that's a very big IF) you are depressed, you haven't lost your marbles and you are thinking very straight!!!
Please learn to trust your judgement much ore than hat and remeber all the other posts that are telling you a very different story.

Besides, what knocks is saying is NOT 'you are depressed, you can't think right and you are wrong'.
She said 'You MIGHT be depressed which COULD explain why you do NOT have the strength to fight him'. So the depression explaining why you find it hard to stand up to him. NOt that you are creating issues when there is none.

[CuntTrollingRs]

OP

If I understand correctly you said up thread that you are planning to go to medical school in three year's time. Or are you already qualified? This will be a full time course with lots of studying in evenings and weekends, followed by junior jobs with further exams.

Does your 'D'H support up your career plans? He would certainly have to step up at home if you became a doctor.

[Candlefairy101]

Oh god your right yes, sometimes it gets confusing between 'is he making me upset so I want to leave' or 'am I depressed and I want to leave'.

I really wish I just knew the answer and could see the future. I hate making big decisions so I just keep bobbing along.

We are not talking at the moment, but he won't ask what's wrong never does, even if he knows I'm crying he ignores me and acts like he hasn't seen me. He always waits for me to just get over it and carry on as normal again.

I couldn't image upsetting someone and not saying sorry or the very least talking about it, i mean how actually can ignore something like that!

I came in tonight and said straight away "what's for dinner" I just said "there's cottage pie to be made" he said "alright I'll order in then" is "no, there's food if your hungry make it" he has done, he also just got up when he heard the baby crying usually he just sits there and acts like he's mute I have to get up and do it because I hate the awkward elephant noise in the room.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

You have had 2 children so close together it will drive anyone crazy. Do you go to any baby groups?

It might be worth talking to someone about how you feel may help. A GP would also prescribe you something to help you're mood.

My partner is like that when we don't talk I have to be the first person to talk to him and he never apologises. I can see good in my partner which out weighs the bullshit. Can you see any good in him that would make you want to put up with him and his bullshit. Does he have regular work or is he at home a lot.

An idea I cook on Sunday about 4 days worth of meals and it does make life easier especially if you are going to be studying soon.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Your husband is not a nice man! What you describe of him makes him appear really rather sinister to me.

Trust your own judgement. I have feeling that your questioning of yourself is caused by him and his treatment of you.

What I find particularly horrendous is that he put your family into a financial crisis by getting you into debt, a financial crisis that made it necessary for you to leave home for a while and the net result is that he's now in total control of the family finances. He even takes money out of your own bank account when he deems it necessary to use it to "pay bills". See how illogical that is? I expect you'd be a far better money-manager than him but he's now got you by the short and curlies.

I think you have a decent future ahead of you without this bastard controlling you and making you doubt yourself. If you haven't looked into "gaslighting" yet I urge you to do so asap.

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

We are not talking at the moment, but he won't ask what's wrong never does, even if he knows I'm crying he ignores me and acts like he hasn't seen me. He always waits for me to just get over it and carry on as normal again.

This is how people behave when they don't give enough of a shit about you to be there for you when you're not 100% (even if they're the reason). Get the fuck away from this nasty man.

[Candlefairy101]

He works everyday which doesn't make sense that there's never 'any money'.

My dad pays for his van (it's in my dads name) we don't pay cash for rent partner just works one day a week for dad unpaid instead. I have had countless arguments with him how he uses my family. Up until recently I thought HE was paying for the van and HE was paying my dad rent!

I really need to sit down with him and go through the money account but I know I'll get the huff and look as if I'm investigating him.

I'm sooo tired atm, he kept nudging me last night say "baby awake, put her dummy in" in the end I was to tired to here her cry for a bottle so he had to do it... He hasn't spoke to me since the prick!

I even went to bed after I put the older two to bed, left him with the baby in the lounge, he came in a changed her I though yay! But then said, she's bored with me I'm gonna bring her in with you, I said 'because it's so much more exciting sat in the dark watching me sleep in here "

[Emeralda]

Good morning OP, hope you've managed to get a cuppa to help you start the day after a bad night.
I'm deliberately not responding to what you've said about him in your last couple of posts because I'll just growl and that's not helpful. I will just say he is not a good partner to you.
Could you make an appointment with your GP today?

[Candlefairy101]

Hi, I am already on anti depressants, but I think I need to maybe try counselling, just don't know how to go about it?

I just broke down to one of the mums at the school because she said how good my partner is for going to kids birthday and I said I don't go because he tells me to 'tray' at home with the baby and it would be too much trouble as we have to take 2 cars to fit all of us in.

The mum had no idea that he was saying all this to me, she's going to arrange a night with the mums because I said hes more likely to let me go out with them then with my friends.

[NameChange30]

To get counselling you could see your GP or call your local Women's Aid and ask if there are any counselling services available for you.
www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

[AristotleTheGreat]

That's fantastic candle. Keep talking to people in RL. I suspect you will find more people ready to support you than you think.
Going out with other mums is a great idea, not the least because it will allow you to socialise with other adults and have do me time.

[AristotleTheGreat]

Te counselling, ask your GP too about any other groups offering counselling like this. Mind and Alliance are two that Spring g to mind (not sure if they are available where you are).
I was referred to them when I tried to have some counselling (for a chronic illness I have) but the waiting list was about 12 (!!!) months. All free and you justvself refer.

[NameChange30]

In case there is a waiting list for counselling, you do need to tell your GP about the abuse so they can make the right call about your priority level. I also think that organisations like Women's Aid (or local women's charities) might have shorter waiting lists than Mind because they are for a smaller more specific group of people.

[GettingScaredNow]

Candle, I have RTFT. But your posts really resonate with me right now.

I'm filing for divorce today. My STBXH was similar to yours in so many ways. Attempted to make me dependent on him for money. Would twist things around constantly. Nit picking, gas lifting, belittling.

He is now telling me how stupid I am to think I can manage alone with the DC. But I HAVE managed alone with them since day one! And so have you
We have 2. He has NEVERx not once had them both and gone out. He's had to have them both alone in the house on occasion, and you can bet your bottom dollar that hey watch tv. Play on iPads etc.

I can't wait to be rid of him. He is sleeping on the sofa but once the divorce is done I can ask him to leave as the flat is in my name.

Please find a way out. Call women's aid.
He is a controlling abusive arsehole and you deserve better