How much 'me time' does your partner allow you to yourself to keep you sane?

[Candlefairy101]

I don't know where to begin but I'll start with a small 'conversation' last night,

DH- what's wrong
ME- stressed
DH- why are you so stressed
ME- not sure think it's because I have three small children (5yr, 21month, 3month) I do the same thing day in and day out even in the weekends
DH- change that then
ME- ok, I'll take one evening of the week to do something
DH- yea there's loads you can do with the kids...
ME- I mean by myself
DH- .......(silence)

DH went to put his shoes away so I said alright I'm gonna pop down BF for a coffee, bottles are already made, baby still asleep...

DH then said 'well I'm going to work' I said' but you just put your shoes away' he said 'yea, because I was going to get a shirt'??? Makes zero sen e but if I say anything he'll just make out in being weird and difficult.

Because I suffer with depression, he will always say that when I'm annoyed and upset with him or kids (very rare to I feel stressed either children but have done last few days as they have been ill) he has the excuse to say that it's my depression playing up. I never know if it is my mental health or its him?

I have been with him since school so I really don't know any different, I have nothing to compare our relationship to but I feel totally lost and crazy!

How much time do you spend on your me time if you have young children just so I know I'm not being unreasonable to ask?

I am a SAHM by choice, I worked and qualified in my trade with my 1st child and choose to take time off with my 2nd and 3rd, I have no money. I have to ask for money which I hate doing, we have a joint account and I have my own, if I have any money in there I leave it because he will take it sometimes and say it's for bills, I really don't know otherwise.

I used to deal with all the money but since the breakdown 3 years ago I've taken a step back, I feel like a child. I am a shell of who I used to be.

I went out to a festival recently, DH very unsociable so didn't go, he silently looks down on me for drinking and socialising so I don't go anywhere anymore, even if I'm watching something like Geordie shore, he'll come in a snicker saying look how stupid all these people are

... It's really hard to explain all this so please bare with me and try to understand

I do every night shift, he has never had all three children by him self so how can he even question why I could have been stressed yesterday?

He says that all these years I can't just be happy with what I've got and I am, but I have three children and we live with my parents because he's work is so unpredictable (self employed) few years ago he racked up lots of debts, this was when I had the breakdown and I was pregnant.

At the same time I had to spend 3 weeks on a mental health unit because my depression was so bad, he came to visit me once! I was heavily pregnant, the once time he did come to see me he had a fresh new hair cut and clean clothes a

[Candlefairy101]

What should I do now?

Should I just start acting like he doesn't live here eg do baths, do everything so I know what to expect when he is gone and it's not such a big shock to the system?

[BillyGoatGruff007]

Twatbadger - Not all mothers; some of us know only too well our childrens' faults.

[BillyGoatGruff007]

Candle, I can't add to the great advice you've had here, but I'd have thought "doing everything" is exactly where he wants you to be.

[CharlotteCollins]

No, I'd say if you're planning to leave him then look forward to the time when he takes them out for a couple of hours for their contact time with him.

Start dreaming about what you'll do in that time. Clue: not chores!

[AristotleTheGreat]

I think the first step for moving on is to look after yourself.
Could you go and do a class, do some volunteering? Anything that takes you out if her house and interacting with adults. And will boost your self esteem.
If you want things to change and you want to move away from him, you first need to get a bit stronger.
Knowing you have friends around you, that you can work (even with voluntary work), all that will help.
You need a life out of the marriage iyswim.
So actually, starting by having time for yourself is tge right thing to do.

Then you will see. Things will start falling into place.

Read around abusive rationship too. Speak to WA and swe what the Y could offer support wise.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

I do understand how you are feeling I had 3 children under the age of 5 and it was a lot of hard work. My partner did help out now and then but it always felt like it was never enough. Maybe your expectations are to high and realistically can you or you're partner afford to go out. You are still living with you're mother maybe you and your partner should be making plans if you stay with him. Once the children are in school you will feel empty and have nothing to do you will miss you're children and the hustle and bustle.

It was just me and my partner I had no mother helping me with a roof or any support for that matter. I went to hell and back with my depression and there were times when I wanted to end the relationship. You have to be strong for you're children and tell you're partner to find regular work. You and you're partner needs to set goals and have ambition for you're self and if you stay in the relationship for each other.

[Piemernator]

If I even thought someone allowed me to do anything they would be an ex. We have a life together and a life apart no way would it have worked otherwise.

[Candlefairy101]

Sunshine thanks for the help.

Even tho I live with my family, mum, dad and brothers, I really don't get help like people think. My mum is bipolar so she is either a workaholic it a hermit that never comes out of her room, there's no in between, everyone else here works.

Please don't think I'm being ungrateful for being here, I just don't want people to think 'oh how could she be so low with all that help around' I've left before, twice, and each time I have to come back for various reasons x

I'm afraid aswell if I do move out I will get more lost with him, I will be more under his control until little ones go to school because he will have all the wages.

I am a qualified veterinary nurse and have the qualifications to become a doctor which I've already planned to Pursue when girls to school so less than 3 years yay! I just feel stuck in the mean time.

[Candlefairy101]

P.s I never wanted him to do more chores? I don't have any expectations that way it was more of the silent treatment, me not going out without the added death stare I can feel in my back, iyswim

[Candlefairy101]

Oh btw ladies I've planned to go bingo every Monday evening with the bestie, can't wait never been before but I'll go anywhere just to have some time.

I'm not sure wether to tell him yet in case he 'has a extra job that night to do! he's a plumber so can pop in and it all day.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

If you do decide to leave him you can cope on you're own because you have you're mother. Maybe deep down she wants you to leave him she doesn't want to get involved in you're marriage. If you're partner does not have ambition to better himself and to give the best to you're children then whats the point. The order in my house is roof children and then us.

My partner don't like the people I talk to but that don't mean I have to listen to him. I will talk to who I want and go where I please with in reason.

[Candlefairy101]

Your so right sunshine, why does it matter what I do in my free time or who I'm with because he's not gonna be there

Why have a become so obsessed with trying to please him urghhh!

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

I didn't read you're post above I will rewrite my last post in a moment.

[AristotleTheGreat]

I would tell him at the last minute fur now. I suspect that, otherwise, there will always be something that will stop you from going.

[AristotleTheGreat]

And YY about not shways pleasing him and the fact you would be even deeper in if you leave your mother's house.
You have a very good evaluation of what's going on. You should trust yourself much more than you do :)

[Candlefairy101]

[BlueLeopard]

Also, does anyone else make sure that as long as all chores are done and child care complete then you can have your time?

Nope. I stick on the tea, eat mine as quick as I can and I'm out the door like a bat out of hell and if there are dishes/ tidying up or other chores to be done then my partner will either get round to them if he has time after the bed/bath routine, or they get left for whichever one of us is free first.

I took up a hobby one day a week when I was on maternity leave, encouraged by my partner to take an evening for just me. He does football another night weekly - he's not a big socialiser outside of that. I also walk two nights a week with a friend, also encouraged by him. We both work full time - he's got longer hours than me but we both muck in in the evenings until the chaos is at an acceptable level then we sit down for the evening together.

It will take some time to process how abusive your partner really is, but just keep thinking it over, and believe in yourself that you are far stronger than he believes.

Like others here, I believe your MH issues would significantly improve if he was an ex.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

I know how you feel you do have a good head on you're shoulders. Leave him with his opinion. I'm sorry about you're mum it can't be easy on you to watch you're mum change in moods.

You have so much to look forward to in the mean time try and get out at least once a month.

Don't move out until you are ready has you're partner thought about re-skilling to maybe gas engineer. There is more money in it and regular work if he signs up to an agency. Build a plan together a, b, c, d and so on so it doesn't happen again. You're health and children's are very important.

[Candlefairy101]

I honestly have been thinking this over my head for years, I know it sounds bad but when I accidentally feel pregnant with my boy I wanted him to have siblings so I just brush things over and carried on with the 'happy family' and then all of a sudden it's like a switch and I think that's it no more! This can't be my life forever I'm 26!

I've never found him attractive, he's not my type but he used to make me laugh so much, and every time we split up he's start being funny again and it drags me in... I'm a complete sucker for a laugh. When that dies out again I think well what's left now?

When I'm out, even with the kids people say I'm oblivious to the attention I receive but I've never been that type of girl to flirt etc, I'd rather hide I know wealthy people, some celebs, my best mate says look what you could have but what is more important to me is funny, kind.. You know.

By sometimes when he's just doing nothing not becoming no one and I'm here doing my 'job' raising the kids, I can't do both for us and I think why oh why do I still chose you x

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

Once you are back in work you will also earn a good salary.

[stubbornstains]

If you split up, you would probably be eligible for tax credits and housing benefit- look at //www.entitledto.co.uk. If you're in receipt of working tax credits, you can get up to 70% of your childcare paid for. It sounds like you'd be better off getting your own place with the kids and getting a fresh start.

[Candlefairy101]

Do your partners sit down as soon as they get in? Just so I can compare, even if the kids are in the same room playing?

What do you and your partners do after school run? Do you both not sit down until all kids are in bed because I seem to not stop until I fall asleep!

[Rainbowzippy]

Fuck me, Sunshine! "You've so much to look forward to."

Right now, with this tosser, this controlling abusuve nob, she has a life of misery ahead. Your posts are so so condescending! He follows her round, won't let her out and pleases himself! What a catch!

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

Take you're self out of the picture if he doesn't have the motivation to improve his children's lives is it worth staying with him. Could you see him pay for their roof, food, bills, clothes, tutors if they need help or any other activity that they want to do. Can he do that and keep it going.

You have a good job to go back to and progress in and you're mothers house to live in.

[Knockmesideways]

Candlefairy - not condoning your DH (as he sounds like a prat - sorry ) but have you seen your GP? With a 21 month and a 3 month old it's possible this sort of closed in feeling you're getting is post natal depression. That could be why all your 'fight' seems to have gone. Worth getting an appointment and having a chat. You don't have to tell DH, just go for a 'check up'.

And, no, people don't have to ask permission to have 'me' time. They DO have to check that the other person is around if they have kids. But, an example from my relationship, so you know what you should be getting by way of a response. I plan to go window shopping on Saturday - I just want a walk around the shops without my DS (aged 9) or DH. So I asked DH if he was around on Saturday, got a yes for that so said "Great, I'm off to town for the morning and I'll be out for lunch". "No problem, I'll take DS to the fair (which we have in town this weekend) - is that OK or did you want us to go later so you can come?" says DH.

My DH has covered DS for weekends in the past - I've been doing courses as I have just set up my own business. There's never been a problem. DH loves it as he and DS get a bit of 'male bonding' - which normally involves watching the rugby on TV or putting on a Star Wars DVD and pigging out on pizza. I couldn't care less. As long as DS is safe and happy I really don't care what he and DH do with their day or weekend. I love hearing about it when I come back - but DH is a grown up. He did his first weekend with DS when DS was 6 months old - both survived!

And this business of you doing all the night stuff needs to stop. You need rest sometimes too. DH used to cover Friday and Saturday nights when DS was a baby so I could go into the spare room and I'd sleep in. His view was his baby was the most precious thing and he wanted me alert to keep DS safe. A mum running on empty is no good.

And it's not a case of not pleasing your DH. If DH is knackered after the fair on Saturday when I get home I'll pile him off up stairs for a nap and DS and I will do something. It's give and take. You can't have a good relationship with a take take attitude. And that's what he's got. I don't think DH would dream of 'showing off' what he does for me and DS. He's my husband and our son's father. It's his job to keep us safe just as it's my job to keep him and DS safe. His and my reward is a happy son and a happy partner. What other's think is totally immaterial.

Do go to see your GP about PND. If you have got it and get some help you'll find your 'fight' comes back and you'll find ' you' again. The rest will begin to slot back into place.

Good luck. We're all here for you.