How much 'me time' does your partner allow you to yourself to keep you sane?

[Candlefairy101]

I don't know where to begin but I'll start with a small 'conversation' last night,

DH- what's wrong
ME- stressed
DH- why are you so stressed
ME- not sure think it's because I have three small children (5yr, 21month, 3month) I do the same thing day in and day out even in the weekends
DH- change that then
ME- ok, I'll take one evening of the week to do something
DH- yea there's loads you can do with the kids...
ME- I mean by myself
DH- .......(silence)

DH went to put his shoes away so I said alright I'm gonna pop down BF for a coffee, bottles are already made, baby still asleep...

DH then said 'well I'm going to work' I said' but you just put your shoes away' he said 'yea, because I was going to get a shirt'??? Makes zero sen e but if I say anything he'll just make out in being weird and difficult.

Because I suffer with depression, he will always say that when I'm annoyed and upset with him or kids (very rare to I feel stressed either children but have done last few days as they have been ill) he has the excuse to say that it's my depression playing up. I never know if it is my mental health or its him?

I have been with him since school so I really don't know any different, I have nothing to compare our relationship to but I feel totally lost and crazy!

How much time do you spend on your me time if you have young children just so I know I'm not being unreasonable to ask?

I am a SAHM by choice, I worked and qualified in my trade with my 1st child and choose to take time off with my 2nd and 3rd, I have no money. I have to ask for money which I hate doing, we have a joint account and I have my own, if I have any money in there I leave it because he will take it sometimes and say it's for bills, I really don't know otherwise.

I used to deal with all the money but since the breakdown 3 years ago I've taken a step back, I feel like a child. I am a shell of who I used to be.

I went out to a festival recently, DH very unsociable so didn't go, he silently looks down on me for drinking and socialising so I don't go anywhere anymore, even if I'm watching something like Geordie shore, he'll come in a snicker saying look how stupid all these people are

... It's really hard to explain all this so please bare with me and try to understand

I do every night shift, he has never had all three children by him self so how can he even question why I could have been stressed yesterday?

He says that all these years I can't just be happy with what I've got and I am, but I have three children and we live with my parents because he's work is so unpredictable (self employed) few years ago he racked up lots of debts, this was when I had the breakdown and I was pregnant.

At the same time I had to spend 3 weeks on a mental health unit because my depression was so bad, he came to visit me once! I was heavily pregnant, the once time he did come to see me he had a fresh new hair cut and clean clothes a

Also, does anyone else make sure that as long as all chores are done and child care complete then you can have your time? Because by the afternoon I'm exhausted and just want to run away to a friends for coffee! I mean he doesn't exactly do that for me or am I just being a nit picky cow now?

Also OP, 'me time' during the school day when you are doing chores doesn't count.

I had an ex and a family therapist tell me me time included the time my DC was at school even though during that time I was doing laundry, shopping, cleaning, diy, preparing meals as well as trying to start up a business.

me time - is any time where you get to think and be yourself and not have the pressure of kids/home/husband right in the front of your mind, not being nagged by kids, husband and the dirty pile of laundry. You can push it to the back for a bit and do something entirely for you.

So basically because he 'allows' you to have a cup of tea in the evening; but even in this short period of time manages to interrupt you, he equates that to him doing everything???????

Really?

Seriously???

Just think about that, for 2 minutes. Are you happy to give up any sort of a life for the sake of an interrupted cup of tea?

You're 26 FFS.....having small children does not = end of any life outside the house; fair enough it can be difficult when they're little, but are you going to be happy sitting in silence when they're pree-teen; teens and out doing their own thing; leave home??

My DH seemed like an angel to me, he never raised a hand and never raised his voice like my dad used to with us and my mum.

Just because you're Dad was a grade 10 bastard doesn't mean you have to be grateful for a grade 7 bastard.

Oh and what sort of job is it that he does that he would come home from; take off his shoes and then need a new shirt so as to go back to work? Very odd.

read and re-read the stickie and what squishee posted.

And honestly the nastiness of him come out in our post without you even realising He says the kids are closer to him anyway and it's just because I'm with them all day and they just see him in the evening. who the fuck says that?

Me time: a rule of thumb, equal time 'out' doing whatever YOU want.
So his time out is watching TV, yur can be going out to see friends.
It doesn't have to be the same.

To give you an idea, when dcs were the age of yours,
DH: away on his hobby for a full day every other weekend plus one evening a week.
Me: a full weekend every other week. I was studying at the time, the weekends were study time BUT it was also my down time, adult time, time with friends socialising.
I've also done a day seeing friends/shopping/going to a museum but the rule of thumb was, if you are away for a day every other week then I have a free day every other week too.

My dcs are older now, this still holds btw. I tend to use my 'free' time to go away doing courses/conferences. A few every year. DH still does his hobby on the weekend.

Me time when the dcs are at school and yoou have finished the chores isn't 'me time'. It would only be if you them go out to something you REALLY want to do, eg see a friend. I do that too actually.

Finally, if your 'me time' is depend on the number of children and their age, then your DH 'me time' also depends on that. Has he ever had less 'me time' because there was 3 dcs in the house, all young? Or has he carried on watching TV as he pleases regardless whilst you have been doing all the running around in the house until stupid o'clock?

Tbh, your DH isn't Dear. He is a twat.
He is isolating you from your friends, he is controlling you, telling you how you shoould be spending your time and with who, what to watch on TV. He is controlling your money.

I'm not surprised you are shell of yourself. It has little to do with your depression.

Btw, the stuff about being 'grown up' is crap.
Being grown up doen't mean you are stuck in the house for the rest of your life. It doesn't mean you have no friends anymore.

This guy is abusive. He migt not be physically abusive like your dad was but abusive nonetheless.

I think the "me time" aspect is bit of a red herring. This is mostly about your DH being an abusive arsewipe. You're close to being a single parent anyway, in terms of the work you're doing. You would be so much better off without him.

You have said that you live at your parents' place. I would think this could make it easier to chuck him out - which you absolutely should do. Listen to your Mum, she's seen through your DH.

He is a controlling and abusing piece.
He abuses you financially, offers you silent treatment and gaslights you...

He is a manipulative twat.

Don't you even doubt yourself.

Come to visit you in hospital only once?!

He knows perfectly well what he is doing.

Bastard!

He's a twat.

Candlefairy101 Wed 08-Jun-16 12:05:44

"Do you think the time I ask for my self depends on how many children I have and how old they are?"

It does not affect the equality argument. Not one little bit. Even with a newborn breastfed baby, a dh/dp who is willing to pull his weight will find enough ways to pick up the slack to ensure that you are both working as hard as one another and not more. Because a decent man cares.

"My DH seemed like an angel to me, he never raised a hand and never raised his voice like my dad used to with us and my mum"

This is a crucial piece of information. It means you started this relationship with a very skewed idea of what relationships can and should look like. This is not the norm. It certainly does not mean that any slight improvement on this is something to be grateful for.

Or as Buuny Chops put it far more eloquently than me:

"Just because you're Dad was a grade 10 bastard doesn't mean you have to be grateful for a grade 7 bastard."

Hello everyone, thank you for your advice. You must be frustrated with me, I would be if I was reading the same.

Just wanted to quickly say I'm here I'm still reading but so busy. The only time I really have to sit and talk is when the girls have a nap, hopefully I can post tonight if not definitely tomorrow if your all still there x

We'll still be here. Because your husband is not an angel. He is an abusive controlling bully and you deserve so much better than this.

Is it correct that your severe mental health problems started when you were pregnant after he lost all your money and got you into debt? It was so bad you were hospitalised and gave up work. He then stopped sharing financial info with you. His work became sporadic, you have no money, you have to live with your parents. You have had two more children in the last 2 years.

I think he is the cause of your MH problems, not your saviour from them.

With xh - none. With dp who I live with - tons. He made a point when he moved in of getting me to seek out a regular social night so I go for dinner with bf once a month and book club. He actively tries to give me a break and looks after the dc who arnt his. I am still spun out by this but I have an inkling this is a more balanced relationship!!
Op your h sounds like a jailer.

It's fine OP. It takes time. Have a look around the relationships board and see that you are not alone

That's OK. Take your time.
Post when you can. And don't if it doesn't feel right. You don't owe anyone on here any updates.

I'm 11 years older than you. I dance twice a week and tomorrow night I'm going away and won't be back until Monday. We have two children under 4.

The only consultation my husband and I have about one of us going out is to ensure the other one is available for childcare.

Your husband is a twat and I am willing to bet your mental health would improve tenfold if you tell him to fuck off once and for all. Get your Mum inside too, none of this second son business. He's abusing her daughter, she needs to step up and support you.

My partner is the complete opposite he encourages me to do things. I agree with RunRabbit it does sound like he is the cause of you're mh.

You can cope you have your mother. You have to think carefully about whether you want to stay in this relationship.

When my DCs were younger I insisted on me time from the very beginning. That's primarily because I saw my older sister always saddled with her kids and not having time alone as far as I could tell.

My DD was a few month old and I met up with a friend for dinner. I went on a girls weekend when she was a year old. There was no argument about it. I just checked he'd be around on the date to be with DD.

I must say other mums there asked how I did it.

You should get out without the kids and not feel guilty.

I must say that your DH does do more than many dads, but his comments are quite mean and aimed at making you feel you can't manage without him.

He should be helping build up your confidence, not rip you down.

The conversation in your first post isn't unlike a lot of men. I've grown to realise that if I waited for my DH to suggest me time, I'd still be waiting 16 years later. So I'd just make provisional plans to go out and make sure he was around and then go out.

If your DH doesn't like socialising and you do, I can see that in years to come you'll find him boring and want some excitement in your life.

Hi sandy, this is where the confusion lays... I know he does more than most dads BUT I know deep down its not because he's helping or being kind for eg,

Bath kids- it's because he's having a bath anyway

Take kids to party- it's so the mums see how much he does, (when I had the breakdown and was in hospital, he told all the mums at the school, I never asked why but I'm guessing it's was for sympathy)

Has them while watching to- just so he can watch to, I've never seen him get on the floor and play with kids

Making dinner if ask- it's just because hes hungry

BUT to everyone else (his bloody mother!!!) he looks like the perfect husband

My husband doesn't "allow" me to do anything. He's not the boss of me. We're equals and we don't stop each other doing things, or sulk or act disapproving when the other person goes out.

I think your husband is abusive. Read these signs of emotional abuse and see if you agree. You've already mentioned a few things on the list that he does.

I suspect that you mental health issues would be significantly easier to manage (and would probably diminish) without him in the picture.

It sounds like your mother's attitude is unhelpful, so don't rely on her for support - call Women's Aid, talk to your doctor, a counsellor, a supportive friend.

We got together when I was 16, I broke up with him almost every year but always went back, I last 4 months once, even saw someone else but it didn't work, I still went back. Each time he wins, each time he gets more confident that I'm going to go back.

Last time we split, can't remember what it was about, but I had to ring him and say come back because our son kept saying where's daddy and it broke my heart so much. I thought I had to sacrifice my happiness for the sake of my children but it was too painful when they were asking where he was.

Well, you need to find some self respect and self worth from somewhere. If you don't change your behaviour you're going to keep getting the same results.

Manipulative people are very good at putting on a mask for those around them.

Ignore his mother. Like all mothers she will have rose tinted specs on when it comes to her child so, imo, you can not get the truth from her nor her support. -- my step dad was a violent bustard and his mother would swear blind we brought it on ourselves.

My ex said he liked to take my teeny baby DC out alone because all the women hit on him. a man out alone with a baby is still seen as some superhero effort and the kind of praise they get will be a big boost for his ego.

Why did he tell everyone you had a breakdown? Surely saying you were just ill with the pregnancy and needed some rest would've saved your dignity! I think him telling everyone was his way of belittling you. Of proving to the world you are useless and he is better than you.

You're not useless you just got sick.

Fwiw op. My OH has only known my DC for 2years. We still don't live together but he does far far more than your husband. He does it without complaint and makes sure I get enough downtime and sleep. Hell do my shopping for me and take DC so I am have a Cuppa and read a book for half hour. Hell cook dinner if I let him (I like cooking. It's not weird power thing ;) he takes DC this activities sometimes, he's been to DCs school play whilst I was ill (ibs is a bitch) but never has he stood in the playground and said 'oh yeah, she's not here because her arse is falling out or she's struggling with her anxiety today' not has he told everyone everything he does for his kids.

Your husband should be doing these things for you because he loves you and your family. It shouldn't be a big show or a way to get praise and you certainly shouldn't have to nag him to get it done and he shouldn't make you feel shit for asking for help.