How much 'me time' does your partner allow you to yourself to keep you sane?

[Candlefairy101]

I don't know where to begin but I'll start with a small 'conversation' last night,

DH- what's wrong
ME- stressed
DH- why are you so stressed
ME- not sure think it's because I have three small children (5yr, 21month, 3month) I do the same thing day in and day out even in the weekends
DH- change that then
ME- ok, I'll take one evening of the week to do something
DH- yea there's loads you can do with the kids...
ME- I mean by myself
DH- .......(silence)

DH went to put his shoes away so I said alright I'm gonna pop down BF for a coffee, bottles are already made, baby still asleep...

DH then said 'well I'm going to work' I said' but you just put your shoes away' he said 'yea, because I was going to get a shirt'??? Makes zero sen e but if I say anything he'll just make out in being weird and difficult.

Because I suffer with depression, he will always say that when I'm annoyed and upset with him or kids (very rare to I feel stressed either children but have done last few days as they have been ill) he has the excuse to say that it's my depression playing up. I never know if it is my mental health or its him?

I have been with him since school so I really don't know any different, I have nothing to compare our relationship to but I feel totally lost and crazy!

How much time do you spend on your me time if you have young children just so I know I'm not being unreasonable to ask?

I am a SAHM by choice, I worked and qualified in my trade with my 1st child and choose to take time off with my 2nd and 3rd, I have no money. I have to ask for money which I hate doing, we have a joint account and I have my own, if I have any money in there I leave it because he will take it sometimes and say it's for bills, I really don't know otherwise.

I used to deal with all the money but since the breakdown 3 years ago I've taken a step back, I feel like a child. I am a shell of who I used to be.

I went out to a festival recently, DH very unsociable so didn't go, he silently looks down on me for drinking and socialising so I don't go anywhere anymore, even if I'm watching something like Geordie shore, he'll come in a snicker saying look how stupid all these people are

... It's really hard to explain all this so please bare with me and try to understand

I do every night shift, he has never had all three children by him self so how can he even question why I could have been stressed yesterday?

He says that all these years I can't just be happy with what I've got and I am, but I have three children and we live with my parents because he's work is so unpredictable (self employed) few years ago he racked up lots of debts, this was when I had the breakdown and I was pregnant.

At the same time I had to spend 3 weeks on a mental health unit because my depression was so bad, he came to visit me once! I was heavily pregnant, the once time he did come to see me he had a fresh new hair cut and clean clothes a

[Candlefairy101]

I've just sent him this I'm waiting for a reply...

I don't know why it's always me stating the 'elephant in the room' again but it's got to the point now where the kids are living in a toxic home.

Our son is definitely picking up on it because his behaviour is different in the morning when it's me and him compared to when we are altogether.

I don't want this to be he example of how they should live their life especially the girls. Imagine if feisty Dd1 came to us one day a shell of herself, and so downtrodden that she is nothing like she is now? We wouldn't say "well that's life we kids I'm afraid, and "she makes out her life is so terrible"

You can explain why you reacted how you did to me saying I was stressed so I can understand more if you want but imagine you were saying to to one of our girls because I know this will make you put some heart into it.

I know you wouldn't because you don't explain anything, it's hard trying to get you talk as it is. I'm just saying I can't go round in circles like this anymore where there's the silent treatment then starting a conversation like nothing happened with no explanation or an apology in between.

[NameChange30]

OK. What's your next step? What will you do when if he ignores the letter or has a negative reaction (sulking, raging, etc)? What if he miraculously takes it all on board, agrees with you, apologises and promises to change? That won't happen, but if it does, do you think he really will change? I think he would be telling you why you want to hear and wouldn't actually change a thing.

[NameChange30]

what you want to hear

[Candlefairy101]

Getting how old are you dc's?

And how have they been, the thing that always always always stops me are the children. Especially my 5 year old when he asks "where's daddy" "when's daddy coming home"

[Candlefairy101]

This is is reply, what do I say now?...

I reacted like that because there's always something wrong, your never just happy and it's clearly because I'm not the right person to make you happy. You say your bored of doing the same thing but that's what happens when you have young kids, I've never heard of any parents getting 1 day a week to them selves. Unless there separated, so is that what you want?

[NameChange30]

Er, "Yes"?!!!

He's blaming it on you, that's straight from the abuser's script.

You say the children are stopping you, but they would be better off away from a toxic environment in which their father abuses their mother. They need you to be ok.

If/when they ask what is happening or where daddy is, you just have to tell them the truth in an age-appropriate way. It may feel very difficult for you but if you are calm, strong and matter of fact about it, they will follow your lead.

[NameChange30]

Also he is calling your bluff. His message is basically "put up or shut up (or leave)". I think he knows you have no intention of leaving and therefore knows that he can whatever he wants.

[Candlefairy101]

What should I say about what's he's saying? I always freeze and never know what to say

[NameChange30]

he can do whatever he wants

[Candlefairy101]

I encourage him to go out with friends just so I can, but he wont. He just wants to do everything with kids and it makes me feel so guilty but I'm with the kids everyday. I feel embarrassed for saying it.

He just said this...

It's always me that's the bastard, your so difficult to reason with, everything I've said for the last month you've ripped my head off, you don't care how it makes me feel with some of the shit you say, your like your dad with the aggression, you walk all over me. I'll pack some stuff when I get home

[NameChange30]

Like I said, blaming you for everything. Abuser's script.

If he really does intend to pack a bag and leave - GREAT.

I don't think getting into detailed conversations is a good idea, it's an opportunity for him to attack and blame you, so my approach would be not to engage, not to reply, or to keep replies very brief and to the point.

You need to stop trying to "reason" with him (he's not reasonable) and instead focus on looking into counselling (as discussed up thread) and getting legal advice - you could ask CAB and/or Women's Aid about local solicitors with experience in domestic abuse.

[KnitFastDieWarm]

bloody hell...he's a nasty, emotionally abusive, manipulative, lazy arse. My husband and I have a small baby and equal downtime during which we do whatever the hell we want. I'm three years older than you and me and my husband take turns to go out with friends and let our hair down because beinga. responsible parent doesn't mean giving up all the things you enjoyed pre-kids. but of course it's very con venues trot your husband to have you believe this. he's talking crap and playing on the fact that you had an abusive father to control you in the most breathtakingly callous manner

Have my first ever LTB.

[KnitFastDieWarm]

*convenient for

[Candlefairy101]

He has me sat here thinking I am an actual monster, my dad was aggressive so of course I could be but I can never ever remember raising my voice, my kids honestly have never heard me do it!

Surely depression doesn't give you memory loss?

[KnitFastDieWarm]

of course you don't have memory loss! he's trying to make you doubt yourself and believe that his behaviour is ok and normal. trust me, it isn't.

[Candlefairy101]

Do I let him pack his bags or should I do it and leave outside?

Don't really want the kids to see him and then him leave it would pull on my heart strings?

[Candlefairy101]

Oh here we go, AGAIN...

The reason I get pissed off most of the time because you've been treating me like a child and speaking to me like I'm some sort of cunt.

[NameChange30]

It's called gaslighting. Read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and a lot of things will make sense. Check out this thread which quotes at length from the book.

By all means pack a bag for him and leave it in his car or the garage or on the doorstep. But if it's his home too he presumably has a key and could let himself in and "pull on your heart strings" as much as he wants.

I get the sense that you don't really want him to leave.

[NameChange30]

Cross post. The messages are all very predictable. You need to disengage. Counselling will help.

[Candlefairy101]

I am scared your right, I'm scared for the children, I hate drama, I'm scared everyone will think it's me going mental again even tho I know it's him now.

I would love for this to be sorted it would be so much easier if he just saw what was going on.

[CharlotteCollins]

Ha ha, threatening to leave didn't get a response so he's trying something else.

He is unlikely to follow through with actually leaving, I think. Unless he has done that before?

You don't have to listen to him, you know.

Stop listening to him.

Turn off the phone, give yourself time to think your own thoughts rather than having your mind filled with his.

[NameChange30]

He won't see. It would be easier if you stopped hoping and trying to make him see.

[CharlotteCollins]

X post. Be scared for the children if you stay, because they will grow up thinking the way he is is OK.

Leaving is very difficult but it's a good way to remove yourself from needless drama in the long run.

[petalsandstars]

He's twisting and gas lighting you so you are thinking did it happen like he said or like how I remember? Let him pack a bag and leave although bet he won't your depression if you have it is likely to feel much lighter.

[CharlotteCollins]

If people think you're doing the wrong thing, then spend less time with those people, because they're not your friends.

Find people who will encourage you and stand by you and believe in you.

For me it was my parents, my WA support worker and MN.

Listen to supportive voices while you practise tuning out of his voice. (That takes a while, because it just becomes obsessive to try to work him out.)