How much 'me time' does your partner allow you to yourself to keep you sane?

[Candlefairy101]

I don't know where to begin but I'll start with a small 'conversation' last night,

DH- what's wrong
ME- stressed
DH- why are you so stressed
ME- not sure think it's because I have three small children (5yr, 21month, 3month) I do the same thing day in and day out even in the weekends
DH- change that then
ME- ok, I'll take one evening of the week to do something
DH- yea there's loads you can do with the kids...
ME- I mean by myself
DH- .......(silence)

DH went to put his shoes away so I said alright I'm gonna pop down BF for a coffee, bottles are already made, baby still asleep...

DH then said 'well I'm going to work' I said' but you just put your shoes away' he said 'yea, because I was going to get a shirt'??? Makes zero sen e but if I say anything he'll just make out in being weird and difficult.

Because I suffer with depression, he will always say that when I'm annoyed and upset with him or kids (very rare to I feel stressed either children but have done last few days as they have been ill) he has the excuse to say that it's my depression playing up. I never know if it is my mental health or its him?

I have been with him since school so I really don't know any different, I have nothing to compare our relationship to but I feel totally lost and crazy!

How much time do you spend on your me time if you have young children just so I know I'm not being unreasonable to ask?

I am a SAHM by choice, I worked and qualified in my trade with my 1st child and choose to take time off with my 2nd and 3rd, I have no money. I have to ask for money which I hate doing, we have a joint account and I have my own, if I have any money in there I leave it because he will take it sometimes and say it's for bills, I really don't know otherwise.

I used to deal with all the money but since the breakdown 3 years ago I've taken a step back, I feel like a child. I am a shell of who I used to be.

I went out to a festival recently, DH very unsociable so didn't go, he silently looks down on me for drinking and socialising so I don't go anywhere anymore, even if I'm watching something like Geordie shore, he'll come in a snicker saying look how stupid all these people are

... It's really hard to explain all this so please bare with me and try to understand

I do every night shift, he has never had all three children by him self so how can he even question why I could have been stressed yesterday?

He says that all these years I can't just be happy with what I've got and I am, but I have three children and we live with my parents because he's work is so unpredictable (self employed) few years ago he racked up lots of debts, this was when I had the breakdown and I was pregnant.

At the same time I had to spend 3 weeks on a mental health unit because my depression was so bad, he came to visit me once! I was heavily pregnant, the once time he did come to see me he had a fresh new hair cut and clean clothes a

He always goes to his mums which makes it worse, she will cook him all his meals, clean and do he's clothes so he carries on thinking that I'm the abnormal one

You need to work on letting go of caring what he think or says about you.

His version of you is not the real you.

In his abusive, twisted mind, he will try and make everything your fault, but you don't have to listen or accept what he says. You can reclaim reality. If you won't do it for your own sake, do it for your children.

Try to see him going to his mum's as a good thing. Assume he won't change and use the opportunity to start thinking like a single person.

I know, I've been with him since I was at school so I really don't know how to be a single person or think like one? Any tips would be great!

I have been wrapped in such a teeny tiny bubble for so long I don't know how 'normal' women are.

First tip: give yourself a time slot in the day to think about him and read any messages he's sent. At any other point in the day, don't let him into your headspace.

Tip two: think about what you like. This can be surprisingly difficult if you're used to doing our at least hearing what he likes and usually focus on keeping him happy. Do nice things for yourself. For me, it was watching TV in the evening and leaving the chores till the morning if at all possible. I could never do that while I was living with XH.

1st thing I'm gonna do is get my friends back, maybe talk to them on the phone in the evening while kids go to bed and I'm on my own, at least it will stop me pining company x

It's amazing that he hasn't even left yet, he's still at work, but I feel so different, a good different. I think it's maybe a feeling of feeling stronger maybe and not weak, almost like I'm gonna beat an addiction and I'm looking forward to being free.

I just hope this feeling lasts!

Thank you all you girls who've talked with me, isn't it strange where we have no idea who each other are but we are helping people through the big decisions and heart ache. Amazing this site really x

You're very welcome, but I'm not a girl
Anyway glad you're starting to feel better already - hold on to that feeling!

I've just told my mum that I wasn't going to put up with it all anymore and she went crazy.

Said how dare I even be thinking like that when I have 3 children. I've made my bed (had my children) I now need to lie in it.

I can't stop crying, for me to be happy I have to lose more people than I thought, it's just not worth it.

Thank you so much for helping me I really didn't think she was going to scream like she did

She is old fashioned someone mentioned above about contacting women's aid you can find a women's refuge until you find permanent housing.

If you don't want to be with him then don't. You should not compromise you're self.

*Live in a woman's refuge.

With a mother like that, it's not hard to understand how you ended up with an abusive husband

I keep going on about you getting support from Women's Aid and a counsellor, but now we've learned what your mother's like, it's even more crucial that you do.

It doesn't have to be like this, OP. You can set yourself free from the toxic people in your life.

By the way, what is your living situation, exactly?

Your mother made her choices to 'lie in her bed', doesn't mean you have to. You saw how your father was to her and to you as a child. I think that means your mother made the wrong choice. Never mind though. Your life is yours. You will be a much happier, and therefore better, mum to your DC without this abusive arsehole constantly doing you down, wrecking your confidence, and most probably causing your depression.

OP, your mother is bipolar isn't she? And you said she considers him 'like a son' even though she can see how he actually isn't pulling his weight. Do you think she is the one who can give you the best advice?

I would take your reaction at the idea he would be leaving as a sign. And you felt lighter, stronger and looking forward to be free.
THAT is what you need to concentrate on because that's how things will feel when he is really gone.

And there is not such a thing as 'made your bed and lie in it' not in the 21st century.

Yep, "made your bed and lie in it" is from another age. And, much as I feel for women who felt they had to stay in shitty relationships in the past, it's unacceptable for them to project their rage and misery onto women who are trying to leave relationships nowadays.

I said it upthread, and I'll say it again- I think you should leave your mum's, and get a place on your own- just you and the kids. Clean slate and all that.

And by the way, being single rocks! I'm on my own again, with 2 kids at the age of 42, and I've never felt happier. Sometimes I think "When I've lost the baby weight maybe I'll try online dating again", but I don't know...the feeling of being able to do exactly what I want when the kids are in bed is pretty damn blissful- don't know if I want to lose that, to be honest!

My first thought was to get rid of him but now I'm thinking if I move into my own home first, I can then make the decision to be on my own with the children so I don't have her rage hanging over me.

My brother who lives here said today "I've been telling you to leave him for years, he's a waste of space" we also spoke about our mothers temper. He had some matter he wanted to speak about, he said he can only tell me as always because our mother is way too hot headed.

Even tho when we were kids my dad was a bastard, he's done a 180* now and is the only one we feel for, we all stay here for him because it would break his heart if we go. I'm going to tho, I'm going to make the weekend about my own secret plans

The brother that I'm talking about is 21 and I'm 26 and we're still bloody scared of our mothers temper it's pathetic but so ingrained.

My head feels like it's about to burst at the moment because my life is going to change completely of being under mother and husbands thumb but I look forward to the very looooonnngggg process!

I'm sure everyday I'll be asking you ladies for advice because my bubble is so small you are the only people that can tell me some normalities, thank you

Hang on a minute... Do you live in the same house as your parents, brothers, husband and children?! That must be a very big house or a very crowded and stressful one

I think you'll be so much calmer and happier if you find your own place. Talk to CAB about housing options and financial help. (You will be able to claim benefits.)

Hi, yes we do all live together. There is 10 of us altogether! :) we do have our own space tho, we just share kitchen and lounge, we don't fit all round the dinning table tho, every Sunday is like a xmas dinner here lol

Your brother sounds like he will bee a good support for you, and in turn, hopefully you will be a good support for him so that he can leave your parents home and become independent.

Make your plans. Talk to friends or any relatives who will genuinely support you. Speak to your HV if you have a decent relationship with her too, she may well be a really useful person. Keep your goal in mind, but keep it fom your parents and your H for now.