We're Stayin' Alive, it's DATING THREAD 105

[tanyadm]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP

Oh yay Rose, you go girl! It IS liberating, I know what you mean. Not that I've done it much, but it's something I'd have been WAY to shy to consider when I was young, then I was married for 20 years, and it's only post-marriage that it's happened once or twice. I suprised myself!

what, that sounds great! I don't think Planeman isn't playing you and taking advantage of you being vulnerable...and as you say, what the feck, just go with the flow and enjoy it. I really don't think he's have been offering to come over when you first heard about your mum though, and things like that if it was 'just' a shag he was after. Also giggling (in a good way) at your ladygarden dilemma, I think the pruning you mentioned sounds just right. Bit of hair, bit of bare= best of both worlds!
It is how I pruned mine sunday morning before Quirky came over...just in case.

single I love your earthy descriptions of how you felt with Audiman! Ever considered writing erotic literature? And glad to hear he's keeping you warm with texts and you're getting together again.

bigredcar that's great, flirty AND clever AND plenty in common, sounds promising. Great that he knows some of your RL people too. 1st date in flat...up to you totally, as long as you feel safe and you don't mind not being taken out.
neatfreak...good luck on your date today, if it hasn't already happened.

Well, update on my 2nd date with Quirky. To cut to the chase, he did come to my place and we did end up DTD. I knew we probably would if we didn't go out, because I physically fancied him, and my will power would be crap.
He's keen to see me next weekend (i can't do weekday evenings easily) and I've said yes, but TBH...I'm not sure.
For a start, I KNOW I should have taken your advice here, and said I wanted to go out for lunch, but he made it sound quite romantic...coming over, preparing lunch, nice music etc. Well, guess what? He turned up with two wraps in a sandwich box and two packets of crisps.

Well. wasn't expecting THAT! but we ate those and chatted, then he put some of his 'music' on (progressive ambient stuff) I didn't particularly like it, but was nice chatting and sipping wine and sitting with his arm around me etc. But...don't like the way he kisses. AT ALL. and in bed, whilst he was..erm...very good with his tongue....he was absolutely silent. All the way through. No speaking, no moaning, absolutely nothing at all. I found it very odd. Not that I'm a shouter/screamer but I do make pleasure noises and I really like it when a man does too, I find it exciting to know how much they are enjoying things...with quirky, I couldn't tell a thing, and I found it a bit inhibiting. I didn't even know when he 'peaked'...you couldn't tell! I've never been with a man who makes no noise at all.
And yet, he's a nice chap in lots of ways, but the sandwich box thing really didn't impress me (I don't know why, it was just so NOT something you'd do on a date, I guess) and the sex....I don't know.

Thanks Witches it's so nice to know that there are people here that understand.

Obviously my post should have said he was concerned that I only did what I really wanted to.

Oh witches I just read your last update. Ugh!

I think the lunchbox, the kissing and the silent sex are bad enough in isolation but taking them all together I'm not sure I could...

Has he always lived with mum? Just wondering if that is why he is quiet DTD? I'm not a screamer either but it's important to know that a good time is being had. I like to joke around and laugh during sex too. I mean it really is a ridiculous thing! Silence would kill it dead.
The kissing on its own would be something you could probably try to work on but the lunchbox is awful and not what he sold to you at all.

I think you would have to like him an awful lot to go there again.

Ooh lots of exciting dates and texts going on! Well I had a great night with The Widower on Saturday after counting down all day like a teenager. He cooked for me, nice wine, candles everywhere, tidied house...I felt very spoiled!

After our previous date I was pretty sure that more (amazing) sex would be happening, but felt a bit awkward about assuming I was staying round as we hadn't discussed it - easily solved as he gave me a massive hug when I arrived and told.me he couldn't wait to wake up with me in the morning! And had got me a toothbrush.

And after my worries about things being awkward, we just had fun and we're really relaxed - dancing in the kitchen while we were trying to cook, talked lightly but openly about his wife and enjoying those 'finding out about you' chats.

Can't wait to hear more updates from you all - plus it stops me from constantly watching messenger for him!

Yay!

WitchesoflZalith 'snort' at erotic literature. Yes, I like my sex raw and earthy thank you very much Sorry to hear about Quirky. How disappointing! Sounds like he has a 'seduction routine' and sticks rigidly to it. Silence isn't my cup of tea at all. I once used to date a pilot who remained mute throughout foreplay and sex until he reached his 'peak' and then uttered the immortal phrase "oo dear." So unsexy. I remember thinking 'what if this is what sex will be like for the rest of my life?' I dumped him for a 23 year old penniless graduate who was dynamite in the sack I like a bit of spontaneity too. As for the sandwich wraps what was he thinking? Do you think you'll see him again? Does he have any redeeming qualities? massive knob?

Oh, robots...that's sounds like a lovely date. Lucky, Lucky you. I'm jealous, mine was rubbish compared to yours! And I feel guilty saying that, but its true. And that's another thing, yours gave you a massive hug...Quirky just walked sttaight in when I opened the door and said 'where's the kitchen?'...no 'hi', no 'you look lovely' no kiss, no hug. :-(

Your date is kind of what I'd hoped would happen with mine...not the staying over as my son was back home later...but the chatting and preparing in the kitchen, etc....not a bloomin' packed lunch out of a tupperware box!
Rose, exactly, I am used to a bit of a giggle, a bit of pillow talk, enjoying hearing my man loving what I am doing...not absolute silence. Sex isn't everything I know but the fact is, it's a big part of any new relationship, and I'm not sure I could handle that all the time. I did mention it at one point (in a tactful, lighthearted way) and he just said 'yeah, I've always been like that, I just internalise it all'. OK, then...

No, he's lived in different places, only recently with his mum.

Oh well...I did say he was quirky, didn't I? He's obviously quirkier than I realised!

Laughing at single and the redeeming quality of the massive kn*b!!! and the 'Ooh dear' made me nearly spit tea over the keyboard!

I've never thought of myself as raw and earthy, but I think I probably am, compared to that experience yesterday. And yes, I like a bit of spontaneity, too. He was well-endowed, yes, and as I said he had perfect tongue technique in a certain area, so it wasn't awful by any means, but it all felt a bit 'joyless' I guess. At one point I felt like i wanted to stop and say, 'are you actually enjoying this? because I cannot tell and my neck is killing me, and I'd rather move if it's not working for you'

I guess, the more I think about it, the more I'm less bothered about seeing him again. It's a shame because 'inside' I think there is probably a lovely man.
His texts are endearing, witty, enthusiastic...for example, on saturday at one point I'd mentioning having a mad tidy up because I didn't want him to see my messy, dated house. And he replied 'witches, any house would look fantastic with you in it'. And yet there was no kiss, no compliments, nothing on sunday. I think maybe he just can't act like that in person.

Oh god Witches we all do so much analysing don't we?

I bet none of the men we are talking about give even a tenth as much thought to these dates as we do.

I do agree with you about a bit of noise - it's nice to know you can make someone feel so good that they can't help making at least a moan!

Well my one defo makes the right noises in the throes, so to speak - but here's an odd one - very little PDAs and very little compliments BUT when we meet we both have huge grins on our faces while talking (which we do - a lot) and he is a great one for remembering things I've mentioned in previous conversation (so he listens!). Conversation feels very focused on each other when together so I'm trying to go with the flow - rather have someone genuinely interested in me than someone who churns out compliments but can't actually remember my daughter's name. Plus he brings food when he visits . Wonder if he's just someone who shows affection in slightly different ways - that languages of love thingy?

Oh and when I mentioned in a text that I'd done a 5 mile walk yesterday he said he'd love go to on a long walk with me the next time I'm going on one (which I interpret as a non shagging date with a long chat instead) - so it's all organised for tomorrow. A man who wants to shag me but also wants to talk with me - is he perfect?

Loving all the updates. Well done Everyone who managed to dtd over the weekend. I won't be joining that club tonight....but no complaints from me coz can plane man get any better?! After chatting this morning he said "coz of the way your feeling I think we should leave tonight you're heads all over the place and I feel like I'm taking advantage of you!! ". I was dead honest and told him I really wanted to see him but he was probably right as my head was all over the place today. So we've arranged for him to come here Friday night as I've no kids.

Later on he texted me about this week and what i had to do. And just in passing I said something about him finishing late but that I'm not sleeping so I'll be around to chat/text, and I said. You won't abandon me will you ? Meaning being sad on my own late at night. He texted straight back with I'm going no where your stuck with me! I texted back promise?? And he text straight back promise xxxxx

Oh god he's not playing me is he? He really is this nice.

Oh whatam how exciting a properly lovely one! I hope mine turns out as good as he seems too. Date day tomorrow, I'm going to say no more about him cos I don't want to get my hopes up too much he seems to good to be true at the moment. I am very happy with an 'in date' tbh I want to get to know him somewhere I can relax and I really want to shag him too! Right now I'm not looking for a very conventional relationship cos I can never go out evenings and weekends!

These updates are brilliant, sounds good littlewoolly, that is so disappointing though witches, poor show indeed!

I also feel like I just need to break the celibacy too Rose that's partly why I don't feel I'll be able to concentrate if we go out ! Robots that sounds fab too!

Oh, what....it's soooo lovely...sigh...
No, I don't think he is. I really don't.

Yes woolly too much analyzing....I just felt a bit let down by the tupperware packed lunch, and the odd kissing and sex. Mine didn't even smile, never mind grin when we were talking! In fact...I don't think I've seen him smile once, except when he suddenly laughs out loud at something.
And that's another thing...he just says 'ok' a lot, if I say I've done 'this' , or that happened...I mean, he doesn't pick up on things and respond like most people would, like your man responded to you saying you went on a 5 mile walk by saying he'd like to join you? Quirky would have just said' ok'.
He did this a lot on the first date on friday, but I put it down to first date nerves. I think that maybe he is quite awkward socially in person, with women certainly, and this doesn't come across online or in texts.
Ah well. I have a couple of other online irons, not sure if I will meet though. Gave up on the shy one, I tried my best to encourage conversation, to ask things that would (normally) be easy to answer, but it's like pulling teeth, poor bloke. One word answers to everything, I'm losing patience. It's all very well him wanting someone to 'bring him out of his shell' but he has to make some effort.
Had a lovely message today from a man who I had put in my 'favourites' on POF, need to reply to him later. But he's about 90 mins drive away, didn't realise that at the time. And another who is hanging around hoping I won't get on with Quirky, as I started chatting to him just before quirky asked me out and beat him to it.
Quirky apparently has been home all day today, but didn't text until I sent him one just now asking how his day went. I don't think it was intentional ignoring, he's just not very good at showing interest. It would have been nice to get a 'hi, how are you?' or something, though. It's all very unromantic compared to everyone elses Irons, haha!

at bigredcar wanting to shag him. Listen to us all, we are all a load of floozies really, ha!
It's great though, it's very liberating, as Rose said. I was never this liberated in my twenties, nor did I seem to attract as many men, and I'm no supermodel I can tell you!

Hi everyone, just place marking before I go back and read the whole thread. Signed up for POF and Tinder this weekend. Got some messages and matches... What do I do next?? Anyway, I'm off to catch up now and see all your hints.

I'm panicking now, I've been a flurry of 'gardening' underwear shopping etc but now I'm panicking what to actually wear? I've lost a bit of weight the last few weeks and my jeans are all a bit saggy round the arse, not a good look. Ive got some nice Next hareems but they look much nicer with a vest and it's so cold!

What he does sound very lovely.

thebigredcar breaking that celibacy is a big deal in a silly sort of way isn't it? I joked about being a born again virgin. That is how it felt, only this time trapped in the body of a woman who should, by rights have a wealth of experience in that department by now! It's such a relief that it's done, in more ways than one .
Have you got a cropped cardigan or jumper that you could wear over a vest with your hareems?

witches I have never been so happy to be called a floozy .

Tanito welcome to the thread.

This thread moves so fast! Can't keep up! Oh witches quirky sounds so incredibly awkward... Silence!! I couldn't cope!!

Glad to hear so many people seem to be getting it on, whatam1 planeman does sound lovely!

Urgh I'm away with a friend and have been telling her about mr tall and she is just pulling every nice story apart into how it might make him sly..'the other way you could look at it is' ... Great! so if I wasn't feeling paranoid enough...!

carrot is your friend also single and dating? Is she usually supportive and for your achievements or can she be a wet blanket about other things in your life?

It's so hard to build your confidence and defences up enough to put yourself out there in the dating world. I'm not sure that non-daters get how hard it is. A concern about red flags is one thing and maybe RL friends are sometimes more able to see these but if it's just sucking the joy from your experience I would be tempted to tell her very little.
It's a shame because I think this thread is testament to how we need to talk about our experiences and share the trials and tribulations.

We are always happy to hear about Mr Tall.

Bloody typos - happy for your achievements.

neatfreak has a date tonight I think. Anyone else?

Nope, she has a partner. However up until last month she was having a string of affairs what who said that?

It's almost looking for it really rather than seeing red flags - for example I said that we'd both deleted our tinders and the first thing she said was 'well who did it first' I said I did, but then said he did it later on when the topic had changed and I hadn't asked him to so he obviously didn't feel forced as it hadn't been mentioned for a while. Then she said 'right so he waited until after he could message everyone on it with his number' ... Errrrrrrm ok then! Even though I was sat next to him the whole time! Grrrrrrr. Of course it's a possibility that he did that while I wasn't looking but I'd rather not have to second guess things like that. Like I don't do enough second guessing!

Bloody hell carrot I had a "friend" like yours. I called her the dementor because she sucked every tiny speck of joy from my life. She was great when we were chatting about her latest affair or the taxi driver that fancied her or anything that revolved around her really. The negativity if anything remotely pleasant happened in my life was unrelenting.
You are obviously an intelligent, thoughtful woman, don't let her spoil it for you. It's supposed to be fun, even if we do naturally overthink things!

Oh witches, I know what you mean - I had such high hopes for your lunch date and couldn't believe your update. Properly odd.