"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

[Just1945]

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

Christ this man wins some sort of MN tossed prize surely

tosser

OP, if someone could make it happen would you leave him?

I'd do a lot if head tilting, and saying perhaps the job is too much for you? Do you need to find one with less responsibility. Lots of (fake) concern.

Ignore the lists. Oh dear, tinkly little laugh, what am I like!

No one can make you do anything.

Oggle other men and let him know. Pick out his faults eg bald patch and find someone who is better in that area. Chatter on about how you love that aspect so he can overhear.

Tell people in hs earshot you can't afford a holiday this year. His work isn't going too well. Don't pay for holiday. Watch him step up.

Are we adding a termination to the list of horrors here?

Would it help to think of your putting up with his attitude and behaviour simply as a bad habit? Because you can change/break a habit. I'd start by leaving him a list with a heading:
Be a Good Husband Trevor

1. Stop phoning me every hour while I'm working, once a day is enough
2. Stop comparing me to Susan, or any other woman
3. Stop prioritising golf over time with your children
4. Stop leaving me lists of things you think I should do
5. Don't take for granted that I will stay married to you no matter how you behave
6. Use some of your earnings to pay for our family holidays.
7. Stop asking me if I want you to lose your job (if you do it will be your own fault, not mine)
8. Look after the DCs for a few hours without phoning me
9. Never tell me what to do again, or to 'be a good wife' when your skills as a husband are woefully inadequate.

10. Ignore this list (or sulk about it) at your peril.

Or, if you've gone right off him and don't want to be with this charmer anymore, get down to a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Better while the children are young, more freedom for you, and he will have to take responsibility for his dcs at least some of the time.

Excellent post FB !!

fantasticbuttocks advice is so sound!
OPWhy not return the 'favour' and list his roles for him?

I think Susan drinks gin and watches Jeremy Kyle after she's hoovered the stairs.

Fast forward fifteen years when the DCs have left home. You and him, alone. Do something now!

Please leave FB's list, OP. Best case scenario it will work, worst case, he'll sulk but he does that anyway. In fact add "Don't sulk, it's deeply unattractive in adults".

Never have I so wholeheartedly agreed with a 'leave the bastard' post.

Op you are not spineless...you just haven't acted yet. Your children will be better off with you happy then tethered to this abusive dickhead, watching you being ground down year after year.

Make some plans and move him out. He is dead weight- get rid. We all know you can do it!

You are in an abusive relationship.

Children living in a household with any type of domestic abuse are at risk of emotional harm.

You have already said his behaviour is negatively impacting your dd.

Womens aid is for women like you.

Please contact them and begin the practical steps to moving on.

Gather financial info, documents, make an appointment with a solicitor, think about housing options.

If your support network is far away, consider moving. Your DCs are young enough that moving isn't too hard.

Good luck!

This is horrendous. You sound like a capable intelligent woman, with a good sense of humour, but your self esteem is being battered by this wankbadger.

You say you don't have support, but will you at least go and see a solicitor to get advice on what would happen if you split? I think it would make you feel empowered. It might take a while for you to get to that point of being ready to split, the scales are starting to fall from your eyes.........

Second to that, Buttocks post is spot on, but I fear this man's sexist views are too entrenched to do anything with now. I feel so sorry for you. At least you have your lovely DC and you can have a wonderful life away from this monstrous bloke if you choose to.

Dh used to try the 'do you want me to lose my job?' bullshit. I snapped and said yes, it would be better than listening to him boring on about it and using it as an excuse for everything, and it would mean it could be his turn for more of the household crap...

I don't know whether he's an arse or a controlling arse. The fact is you don't have friends due to the way he makes you feel about them.

FB's list, with the addition about sulking and tantrum chucking being deeply unattractive in supposedly mature and competent adults. Although I wouldn't stay with this superior, arrogant, lazy, unpleasant twat no matter what he earned. Life is not supposed to be this shit.

And FGS he is not a good father. You could find random strangers in Tescos who could play with your kids for a bit. If you could bugger off for 24 hours without contact and the kids wouldn't see any difference in their care and support while you were gone, and if he treated their mother with the faintest respect then I'd be more ready to agree he was a good father.

Your self esteem is on the floor.

And when you had finished laughing at this absolute bell end what did you say? Is this what you want your kids to think as being normal? He seems to be avoiding being part of the family with his attitude towards work. Time to move on my lovely

Love FantasticButtocks' post, please do leave the bastard this list!

He is emotionally abusive, comparing you to Susan.
His mother derides your ironing:anything else she says? (She's a bitch)
He's living in the 1950s and dream world.

Stop doing anything at all for him, no dinner on the table, no washing, no cleaning for him. Don't even load/empty the dishwasher. He'll soon see how much you actually do! Give it a week and when he moans, tell him you're tired from the full time job, lack of support and doing all the childcare.

Thank you all for the lovely messages I have been cracking up watching my daughter (4) play mini netball at the leisure centre they are bloody terrible I don't know who's ridiculous idea it was

Thanks for all the links and support, I am going to be a good wife and sit in the garden with a glass of white wine and read them all, before his lordship discovers I am not cooking Sunday lunch

How are you today Justine

X post. Sorry!

OP "The issue is that we have been together since I was 17, and I wouldn't know where to start."

wouldn't know where to start what? Being independent? Be honest OP, how would you feel if your kids turned out like that? Or like your husband?

OP, you also comment that you look knackered all the time. So what? So do I. Because I am knackered. We are not modelling for a living so WTF has it got to do with anything?

Not cooking Sunday lunch sounds like a good start. Maybe invest in some noise cancelling headphones so you can block out his tantrums later on.

The point is Fun that that I sometimes think 'why bother' making an effort when I look like hell anyway. During the week I am literally exhausted. I need sleep not makeup. I suppose it's just cumulative feeling-shit-and-no-self-esteem.

I would know where to start because our entire lives since college have been intertwined, we own literally nothing separately. The divorce would not be pleasant nor straight forward, not that I can afford a solicitor on my 12k salary when he earns 80