"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

[Just1945]

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

pearlylum, that is as may be, but when someone is in need of support to get out of a bad situation, I have never known of an occasion where saying it's their fault they're in that situation is helpful.
Having been in this position myself, and having been told again and again by a partner how stupid/useless etc I was, I can tell you that it's not helpful to come on the internet and be told in an unsympathetic manner that it takes two. That's not true. Her husband would be a dick whatever. What she has done is put up with it. Completely different.

I'm not blaming victims but this is a two way thing.

I was brought up by a surrendered wife. I left home and married very young thinging my place in the world was to serve my husband.
My mother was lucky that she had a benevolent man.
I wasn't so lucky.
My late husband abused me, beat me, raped me. my mother's advice was to try harder.
I woke up and smelled the coffee thankfully, when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

It takes two to tango.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Something is keeping you still within this. Is it co-dependency or the sunken costs fallacy as well? (I note you have mentioned shared history and the been together for a long time).

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. What example did your late parents set you?. Why is your relationship bar so so low?. Apart from divorcing this person which is now a given you also need to properly address you, addressing the ducks in your head.

I noted without all that much surprise that you met him when you were very young and thus had no real life experience behind you. He has truly exploited you to his own ends. He has also dug that hole for you to live in, you are now growing flowers in it.

He is in no way whatsoever a good dad to his children (women in similar situations often write such comments as well when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man).

What do you think your children are learning from the two of you about relationships here?. A shedload of damaging lessons that is what. Your son will likely become a carbon copy of his dad right down to the comments his dad now makes and your DD will become a similar sort of slave to her lord and master and being told that she is inferior. Its no legacy to leave these young people; they also deserve better than seeing all this dysfunctional abusive relationship being played out at home daily. Its not their fault their father has declared his own private war against you but they are seeing the fractures from all that as well. They absorb it like a sponge.

What if your children start saying to you, "be a good mum and do ..."

If you re-think it, pearly has a point! Quite an empowering one at that!

Just - you are allowing this to happen. You are the one who is giving your H the power in your relationship. If you choose to remove your permission his life will fall apart. He will lose his authority, his power, his comfy, cosy life. He will have to start doing things for his family...

So what are you waiting for? YOU are the most powerful person in your marriage. YOU can change everything if you choose to.

There are many posters here who will be happy to supply you with information, support and a bloody good sounding board for all of your emotions.

Use them...

I'm a very very good wife.
It's mainly because I have a very very good husband

Abused wives are complicit, pearly, but by habit not choice.

It becomes the norm, they minimise it, put up with it, & time goes on...

As it happens I have a similar DH - always thinks his longer hours & higher wage trump my shorter hours & smaller wage - just as well-paid pro rata though.

I do all the household stuff - if I don't do it, it just doesn't get done, so I end up doing it because it needs to be done! Only shops for his own stuff - beer, crisps, toiletries & never asks whether we need anything else "oh I assumed you'd done the shopping"

He doesn't even make himself a hot drink if I'm not here - if I am here, I make all the drinks - he makes one or two a year for me - nothing so far this year, which has included Mothers' Day & my birthday, so likely there will be none at all. The reason given was that "you got up too early". If we're having an alcoholic drink he won't make me a G&T because "it's too much hassle" yet he will always have one if I offer.

It is shit, but it has become "normal"

inabizzlefam
You can always spot a complete wanker....he plays golf!!

What a ridiculous statement.

My son-in-law plays golf. He also wakes up in the night when my daughter breastfeeds their 6 week old baby, winds him after the feed and changes his nappy, settles him down again. When he gets in from work he cooks dinner, clears away and cleans the kitchen. He helps with housework, shopping, laundry etc. Does any DIY that needs doing, and gardening. Does his share of nappy changing and looking after baby.

And once a week he plays golf.

pearly
Interesting that you've drawn that conclusion after the personal experience you describe. You have clearly not let go of the fundamental lesson learned from your mother and ex that women are to blame for men's bad behaviour. You are clearly still angry with your mum for teaching you to put up with abuse (through her example and "advice") but that doesn't mean you can take it out on the OP.

Just

I'm not sure why I'm posting, because I have nothing fresh to add to what has already been said.

But I feel I have to, because you sound so funny and intelligent and capable, and I can't for the life of me understand why you are scared of being alone.

You'll more than cope. You're doing so already. Your life will get easier, not harder.

You won't feel angry all the time.
You won't feel resentful.
You won't have a horrible man in your life making you feel useless.
You won't have any shirts to iron.
You'll run to your own timetable, and if you don't feel like cleaning, you won't.

You have a profession, a lovely brother, healthy DCs and a great outlook. You do have some anger - bloody use it in the right way!

If you keep that anger internalised, it will only hurt you. Direct it outwards, and use it to change your situation.

Just think, in the space of a month you could be rid of this monster.

Because he is a monster.

Does he talk to his boss like that? His colleagues? The female friends that you mention he fancies?

Does he fuck. Because he daren't.

He talks to you like it because he believes that he can. He believes that you are beneath him. That he is free to do and say exactly what he likes and the status quo will never change. He'll remain on his throne, with his ironed shirts and his cooked dinners and his 'good wife' doing his bidding.

Please, please knock him off his pedestal. I promise you, it will feel sooooo good.

If you have daughters you are raising them to accept behaviour like this from men. If you have sons they are learning to treat girls and women with contempt.

For their sake, their future relationship happiness, please leave.

It is quite possible to play golf and be a non-wanker.
However a "quick" round of golf will take most husbands (or wives) out of the house for at least 5 hours.
Most of my golfing friends accepted that once children came along, the frequency of golf had to reduce. If he's out most of Saturday playing golf, he needs to be primary carer on Sunday.

I don't agree with pearly as the problem originally lies with the perpetrator but, like Ourblanche, think the OP has the opportunity to leave the selfish baby DH. OP what is stopping you?

(I am playing 'devil's advocate to a degree here I know all too well 'mind games' that trap people).

AnotherEmma you are missing the point.

I have clearly learned that I am not responsible for anyone's bad behaviour.
I can't change that.
I can choose not to to be subject to it.

A dominater needs a dominee.

You don't need a luxury house to be happy. Myself and my children live in a comfortable home with all the necessities that's all we need.

My ex was like your DH. Belittled me, put me down and was very controlling. He sounds like a real shit.

Your children just need a loving and stable environment and how can this be with everything that is going on with you and your DH? Children adapt to change.

I do see your point, pearlylum, but I don't know how helpful your posts will be to the OP, given the harsh tone and the implication that she is equally responsible, when I don't think she is.

I agree that she needs to stop putting up with it but I don't think anyone attacking her on here is going to encourage her in that direction.

I'm not attacking anyone. I am telling a truth.
One that I wish someone had pointed out to me.

Have you actually spoken to him about how you feel? I know it may well be completely pointless but at least if you have a proper sit-down conversation with him he has absolutely no excuse to continue treating you this way. If he does after that conversation, then it is surely time to LTB!!!

If you are both earning a lot of money, could you maybe pay actual staff to do all the household drudgery? Maybe it would take away some of your resentment and keep your marriage together.

The "Be a good wife" thing seems very very wrong. It's either a joke that's falling really flat, or he is really quite awful.

Have you RTFT ipso? Or at least the OP's posts?