"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

[Just1945]

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

*wouldnt

Don't forget his money is literally your money when you're married. If you have to pay a solicitor for advice put it on either your joint account or a joint credit card.

OP, don't worry about what you look like. You've missed out on a chunk of adulthood, including the fun stuff. That's important. Some other posters will be able to advise but you will be able to pay your lawyer from your share of the settlement ultimately. You'll be much happier.

I am amazed how many people think life alone is hard, it's not, it's so much easier. I have single parent friends who would agree - especially if their partner was another child in the equation.

if you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will. That's just the way it is. But once you do it, you will wonder why on earth you didn't do it before.

If you LTB I suspect you'll be able to improve your earning power, because you'll have much less cooking/washing/ironing etc to do and you can keep the house clean/tidy to whatever standards you choose without even contemplating living up to his mother or stupid Susan. And because you won't be permanently angry!

LTB. C'mon, seriously?!?!

You feel and look like this also because he has made you feel and act this way; he has you really doing all the running with everything whilst he sits back, makes you pay for all family holidays out of your own money and plays golf.

You do need to do work on you subsequently to improve your own self worth and work out exactly why your relationship bar is so low. I maintain that this individual targeted you when you were 17 and had no real life experience behind you. Enrolling on Womens Aid Freedom Programme and reading "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft would be a good start as well.

You do not need a massive amount of money to afford a Solicitor and divorcing in this country is a relatively straight forward process legally speaking. You only have to give your own self permission to leave him and you need to find a Solicitor highly skilled in dealing with manipulative men.

I think you are right in one respect; he is never going to make any aspect of you separating from him at all straightforward but that is no reason not to undertake the process of divorce.

I presume you get nothing out of this relationship because you have not answered what is in this for you. That alone should tell you a great deal.
Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships, that this is how people really behave in them?. Its no legacy to leave them. A loveless marriage should not be their norm too.
This man and you need to be apart.

From my experience:

1. Life with unsupportive partner- hard, roller coaster, upsetting, lots of anger, resentment, lack of control

1. Life alone with kids - much easier mentally, much calmer, no roller coaster - in control. Still hard work of course as lots to be done

1. Life with kids plus supportive partner - well that sounds the best if such a thing can be found!

But no reason not to make it easier by moving from 1 to 2!!

Oh I wouldn't dare even aspire trying to live up to his mother she points out regularly that we aren't 'normal' because the house is messy or because I'd rather spend an hour playing with the kids than arranging my cushions but what would she know, she shipped hers off to boarding school

It's going to take me all day to respond to all these posts so I simply couldn't make his dinner

The rotten apple that is your man did not fall far from the rotten tree that are his parents. His mother will always side with her son regardless.

If he earns £80K and you earn £12K and you are paying mortgage and bills together, you are paying for holidays, then he (you) has a shedload of savings in his name only.

When you come to see his Form B in your divorce you will see quite how much he has frittered away on golf while you have made do with nothing explains why Susan looks so fabulous and you don't and quite how much he has prioritized his needs (golf, his his hobbies, his savings) over the kids and you.

The thing is he hasn't frittered as far as I know, he is rather tight. We have a lot of outgoings (he has to pay a fortune in petrol to get to work for example, I think he pays about £500 just for that). So I wouldn't say necessarily that he is hoarding his money, but it is his money.

I'm just so resentful because im sure he wasn't this bad before the DC. How didn't I notice what a dickhead he is? no doubt he will ring in a minute to enquire after the status of his dinner.

I'm sorry you're going through this.First of all stop putting yourself down.You are not spineless.You sound like an amazing Mum and a strong lady.Working and bringing up a family is hard work.I only work part time and I'm knackered.!! Also I just wanted to say throwing tantrums and sulking and making your life difficult if you're not performing his tasks is emotional abuse.You don't have to put up with it.Take care of yourself.xx

You know when you read a thread and think - 'I hope to God this one IS a troll'...well, that.

Everyone has it covered really. But just a few points to reiterate (for the billionth time)...

The very little effort he's putting into parenting he can do on his watch (Sunday's maybe - if he's not too busy playing golf).

Your kids deserve a better start in life than growing up in this environment - show them what a strong woman does when she's being treat like a servant/doormat (clue - she leaves the twat). Do you want either of them to live like this as an adult?

I know it's scary when you've been with someone since you were a kid yourself, but I'll eat my roof tiles if you regret leaving him.

'Be a Gold MOTHER'. Leave the bastard.

Practical stuff will work itself out & you will thrive. Honest 💐

Status of his dinner? 'At the chippy, I'll have xyz and bring abc for the children'...

I know that once I find my balls I will leave him (good news for your roof ) but I would like to think that I would have a 'plan' for myself and DC before doing so, to ensure that it is as trauma free as possible.

I know he's a cockwomble. And that some Betty Crocker somewhere will love him, I was never a domestic goddess or a fabulous cook (I hate cooking) so god knows why he even married me

I think now is the time to garner copies of all financial documents you can get your hands on. Bank statements, mortgage statements and pension stuff.

He's a financial adviser so he's got funds salted away that you aren't aware of. Most especially if he's tight. He'll have to disclose everything when you go through the divorce process. Men like him lie through their teeth but courts take a very dim view.

All of this will be helpful even if you don't go ahead with a formal separation.

WARNING! People like your husband will not make it easy for you to separate. He likely won't step up to the plate with regard to caring for his children equally or supporting them financially. But you will have an advantage over him as you'll have your possible plans in your head, ready to go ahead when the time and conditions are right for you.

It's all a journey and you are just on the brink, perhaps thinking about taking the first step. When you are ready you will take it. But be in no doubt: the longer he has to erode your confidence and sense of self-worth the more difficult it will be for you to break out of his prison.

You've never been an autonomous single adult but take it from me, it can be fantastic! Harder in a financial sense but totally wonderful having no browbeating or diminishing of your contribution. Just a potentially wonderful life on the horizon of your own making. Frightening but liberating at the same time. Have a little think about how that could be.

The first thing you should do now is STOP paying for any family holidays. I can't believe he lets you pay on your £12k salary. What a cunt!

He really has chipped away at you over the years.....planted the seed that you are unattractive, a crap wife and crap at the domestic chores.

He is abusive and it reads like you are beginning to see this.

He may spend £500on petrol....but that's probably because he has bought himself a twat mobile aka big litre engine sports type car.

Your DB sounds lovely and supportive. When you do decide to split he lean on him for support.

He doesn't have a twat mobile but he has been hinting that he is on the market for one

Sadly I think your leaving is unlikely to be trauma free as your DH does not see you or the children as separate individual people to him - there is 'his money', 'his house', 'his dinner', 'his ironing', 'his wife' - and probably in that order of priority too.

He will be full of rage that you had an idea of your own and took 'his money/house/children/skivvy' away from him and will make life very difficult for you.

I would suggest getting your hands on any documents you can now, legal advice, contacting Women's Aid, getting a copy of 'Why Does He Do That' etc so you have planned everything and built up some support for yourself before you do anything.

And if he is tight with money, you will be boggled by what he has salted away. My FIL always claimed he had no cash and made my MIL pay for everything - now he has dementia he let us go through his bank accounts and we found hundreds of thousands squirrelled away, all of which will now be wasted on inheritance tax. But for 60 years he maintained the line she had to pay for any holidays while he had a nice BMW and she had a clapped out Skoda

I was in a situation a bit like this, together since we were 17, played golf every weekend - because he Had to have Something to look forward to at weekends! and yes golf is a bloody selfish sport (not to mention expensive). I left almost two years ago and life is so, so much better. I have loads of free time to myself, he looks after the kids every other weekend and I don't have to put up with his moaning and sulking.
You too could have a life like this. Xx

As each year passes like this you are condoning this treatment and the boundaries will continue to shift. It will just become harder for you and harder for your children.

I agree with others that divorcing him will be difficult and a struggle. You definitely have to prepare for that. I'd also be prepared to feel short changed financially, but you are already being short changed in terms of life at home.
Even if you end up with less than you should financially, if you can lead a fairly comfortable life, and, more importantly, less stressful and without being taken advantage of, ultimately he will be the loser.

Glad you're finding the thread of use Just.

Turning round and bursting someone's bubble when they think you're the compliant little woman is beyond fantastic. Being a single, independent, capable woman with peace of mind and happy kids is priceless.

The road to both these feelings can be pretty shit, but you become so strong on the way, so when you get there you feel amazing.

I'm not diminishing the decision, the leaving, the fall out. I've gone down that path and at times thought I couldn't cope. But I love my life now, because I can relax, be me, and decide exactly how I want to live.

HI OP,

It really will be a huge relief if and when he no longer lives with you. You will surprise yourself with how little you miss him and how easy it is to deal with the kids when he is not around to drag you down. When you live with just you and the kids, you will no longer be continually disappointed by the arsehole behaviour 24/7, no longer face endless criticism for not being good enough, no longer have to fear him coming home and casting a black cloud over the whole family. You can shut the front door and lock it once everyone's in for the night. And he'll be somewhere else. It is a wonderful feeling.

And trust me, you are more than capable of being 'on your own'. Let's face it you manage everything already - he adds nothing to your family life. And you are not on your own. You have your brother and I'm sure once awful DH is out of the picture, many friends will magically appear and re-appear. Imagine having a happy family life, just you and the children, without lists and criticism and sulks poisoning the atmosphere. Yes, you'd still have to deal with him because you have children together, but you can keep him away with a bargepole. That's what I would do. That's what I did in fact, and my 2 dc were younger than yours at the time. And don't forget you will be doing yours a favour - this is not a happy family home, and they will pick up on that, doesn't matter how happy they are to see him - they can tell that he treats you like shit and they will absorb the authoritarian atmosphere and unconscioulsy they will have already learnt to placate him like you do.

You're only 37! A great age to be. Get a really shithot solicitor and prepare for battle. You need to get your tin hat on and prepare yourself for incoming rage. But it will be worth it. And don't believe him if he promises to be 'amicable' - it won't fit your definition of the word and everything will be your fault. Block your ears. Finally, lucky you, your brother sounds great - he knows what is going on - enlist his support in whatever way is practical.

I think Susan is a Russian sleeper agent. She's doing an impression of a Stepford wife to maintain her cover but has over-egged it with the stair hoovering. Don't be surprised if one day you see her leave the house in a leather catsuit with a gun strapped to her leg and a knife strapped to her arm. As she walks away she will nonchalantly toss a grenade behind her at the hoover (which she will have put in the front garden for this purpose).