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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

628 replies

Just1945 · 04/06/2016 23:14

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons Hmm and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty Hmm to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary Hmm and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job Hmm and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! Envy I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

OP posts:
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 07/06/2016 07:06

There's a book called 'Stay or leave' by Beverly Stone. I'm in a similar position and I found it really helpful. In fact there is an awful lot of useful info you can read on an I pad as well as everyone's support on Mumsnet. I can't imagine how I would have been able to read 'Why does he do that?' If I'd had to read it in a book.

I am well impressed that you've been on sex strike since February. Until recently I felt that somehow that he was entitled to sex just because he was my husband. Bollocks to that now- it was predictable, boring and too much hard work, since he did nothing to even try to make me enjoy it while expecting a lot of effort on my part.

If he's like this now he will just get worse. You are right to want out now.

PaulDacreCuntyMcCuntFace · 07/06/2016 07:31

Oh love. You sound very witty and bright and capable. Take that spark - the one that sees you drinking wine on the ride on lawnmower and talking to your kitchen cockrel - and take it to a SHL* and divorce his arse.

One life; don't waste it.

*Shit Hot Lawyer.

mix56 · 07/06/2016 07:50

So he runs home to Mummy, or goes out to the pub on Sunday with her as you had "failed" to supply lunch....
Get away from the BOTH

bluebell4 · 07/06/2016 07:56

Justine, I am so sorry you are in this situation. Please seek some help. Refuge, women's aid are there to help you. You are not enabling him. He is abusing you and it is not your fault. Have you read about the new law on coercive control? Please do. You have made the first step by posting here. The next is to pick up the phone. Good luck

TooMinty · 07/06/2016 08:08

Present him with a bill for all the work you do e.g.
Child care
Taxi (driving kids to activities)
Chef
Laundrette
Cleaner
Personal Assistant
etc.

I bet the above plus your 30 hours a week salaried job will make you "earn" more than him.

Or alternatively, just leave him and let him realise himself, and enjoy having one less child to look after.

Fuming on your behalf Angry

TooMinty · 07/06/2016 08:12

Ok, missed a huge chunk of the thread and lots of updates. Skip straight to LTB.

CheerfulYank · 07/06/2016 08:25

What a fucking knob. He is ridiculous. I just left DH with our three (8, 3, 1) and crazed Labrador while I was away all weekend with friends. If he called me every ten minutes because he couldn't care for his own children I'd kill him.

Keep on strike and ready your preparations to LTB.

mumindoghouse · 07/06/2016 08:46

I'm sorry but this is emotional and financial abuse. You do need counselling and a lot of support. Maybe start by opening up to your brother? I don't think you're really spineless, just conditioned by years of controlling behaviour, and isolated by it. Please get some help from somewhere ASAP. Good luck.

mix56 · 07/06/2016 09:37

Your brother has already seen the diary. he is already aware that you are in a miserable situation, & has spoken up. You can be certain he will be happy to support you.

rahlikeatiger · 07/06/2016 11:03

Oh my. What @spacedinosaur said!

hillyhilly · 07/06/2016 11:54

You sound so capable and witty, you deserve so much better.
If you are lacking in friends and a support network right now, I can only think it's because you are married to such a knob, you'll soon find yourself surrounded with people who love and care for you once you get rid of the one (& his mother) who doesn't.

ThisIsPlanetEarth · 07/06/2016 12:07

Oh dear, another one who uses money and emotional abuse to get his own way. No wonder you say you don't have any self esteem. You say you have been together since you were 17 so presume he was your first serious boyfriend. My DM talked about leaving DF for years but was always too scared and worried about what "other" people thought. DF is is now disabled and she is now stuck being his carer, he still trys to control her with money, says she doesn't need a new car even though he now can't drive and she has to drive him about, I told him to be quiet and said he could stay in the house all the time if she didn't have a car, he soon shut up.
Just1945, you are obviously intelligent, smart, funny and at least have a job to support yourself a bit, you realise his behaviour is not acceptable or "normal" . My husband can be a moody sod at times but there is no way he would behave like this, he looks after the kids when I am working, does housework, makes dinner, puts most of his wages into the joint account which I use, I work part time. Remember you deserve better, think about where you want to be in 5, 10 years time. He won't even pay for family holidays but has money to play golf!!! Good luck x

ThisIsPlanetEarth · 07/06/2016 12:09

Also, it sounds like his mother has allowed him to be like this, a spoiled brat, so she is partly to blame, wonder what her own marriage was like!

craftwhore · 07/06/2016 12:30

Dear Just1945, here is a mantra for you:

I am a nice person.
I deserve to be treated as such.
This is the minimum requirement for all my relationships.

Please please please please please do take this on board. If only for the simple fact that it's true.

If you feel things have gone far past being able to sort things out to a situation you would be actually and actively happy with, then the least stressful way for you is to carry on until you have everything in place to go, and then just go.

This is truly awful treatment. Think about who in your life would put up with this, and then realise that they would want more for you too.

You

Deserve

Significantly

Better

And that's just at entry grade for being a human being! You seem warm, funny, relatable - all the good things. You need the freedom to be you without being under the horrible umbrella of oppression which must overshadow your house.

Do it. Be you and be free and be happy x

Mezzy34 · 07/06/2016 12:55

Oh Hun..I think your degrading yourself because you have had it from him for years. By your actual comments it shows you are far more stronger than this, you just thought its best to keep things together.
Make a plan Hun, get out and start finding your own happiness, he will only carry on and be derogatory throughout the years and continuously make you feel less than what you are, his obvious resentment of your efforts as a woman and a parent is apparent, nothing is good enough for him. Men like that are not designed to be good husbands or fathers. If you are in a rural area then look for a place closer to amenities, make it clear to him that you are not putting up with this any longer and will start to organise a life with the kids away from him, I know it will get worse before it gets better but this is the way of break ups, don't allow this any longer, you've got more savvy than him Hun and you can do a lot better than this.
I was with a high earner once and had very much this attitude, five years was enough for me, I walked and never looked back. I would rather have enough earnings for everything I have to afford and a holiday a year for the kids than the extra trappings of a bigger house and an idiot to put up with. Good luck..hope you can get away Hun

Bringmevino · 07/06/2016 14:30

I understand that the thought of leaving is scary but I don't think you need too much of a plan. My sister left her twat bucket husband and she made her plan as she went along, older dc so easier but if going is a serious option then I don't think you should spend too much time planning. And he's a knob jockey, you need out! What's your brother's advice?

scampimom · 07/06/2016 14:44

Imagine the bile-filled conversations he and his arid stick of an emotionally stunted mother will have once you are gone, bitching about how you were never a good wife and you've taken the children and are taking his money and not being able to do a damn thing about it. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Meanwhile, you will be oblivious to their whining and poison-spitting, having a laugh with the DCs and your new friends in your new place. whilst drinking Prosecco from a sippy cup and chasing emus

rainbowstardrops · 07/06/2016 15:14

You deserve so, so much more

Original poster
Just1945 · 07/06/2016 17:00

You will be pleased to be updated that my chicken coup is now spotless ShockGrin I couldn't for the life of me find any rubber gloves either but handily he had some nice leather ones in his golf caddy, who knew! I find that a 5 iron is very useful for particularly stubborn poo, I really must stop allowing them to have spaghetti bolognese Hmm

Day 3 of dinner and washing strike. DC and I are having supper out. Will he huff and puff enough to blow the house down Hmm most likely. I am finding I have a bit more free time recently now that I don't have a list.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 07/06/2016 17:13

playing games does no good in the long term.

it will wear you out.
and a dangerous game as he huffs puffs and explodes... do not assume he wont get angry.

speak to a counsellor yourself alone

increase your wok hours and hire an au pair if you need to go it alone

gather together all financial info bank accounts documents etc
see a lawyer make a plan to leave so you can

he may get aggressive when he realises you not giving in...

PhoenixReisling · 07/06/2016 17:13

grin did you clean them enough so that he wouldn't suspect....until he goes to use them Wink.

As someone put so eloquently...he is a knob and his mother enables his behaviour.

Like PP, if you do have this chat only tell him once and then disengage no actually write it in list form and then shove it up his arse. If you keep engaging, then it gives him carte Blanche to pick holes and try and use gulit/manipulation to let keep you in your place a slave.

cestlavielife · 07/06/2016 17:19

you have a job you can leave rent some where.

look at rentals locally. look at all options.
then work with lawyers to get your share of property/force sale/make him move whatever

Original poster
Just1945 · 07/06/2016 17:26

Why should I look for a rental when my name is already on a mortgage which I am liable for monthly? I'm not leaving this house with two young children, it's a complete waste of money and why should I leave him in the family home, if he has an issue with separation then he can rent somewhere, he's the one that can afford it.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 07/06/2016 17:29

of course the dc love him -he is the only dad they know.
but you said dd gets upset by his behavior when you not there...

they can still love him if you separate, heck he might give them more attention if he has to have sole charge and you arent on the end of the phone.

but ask them if they like being around your brother - tell them they can go out with you and uncle on saturday or stay with dad give them the choice... see what they say...

ask them to draw picture s of the family members it's a good exercise make it fun but see how they draw you how they see you and dad.

ask them to draw their future house or their best holiday - who is there? what are they doing?

you can get some insight into how your dc feel...

plan to leave for a better life

SandyY2K · 07/06/2016 17:31

Your doing great my dear. Keep up the strike and don't cave. I so love your humour.