"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

[Just1945]

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

Contact Women's Aid to get a list of sympathetic lawyers in your area.

Actually, I think this is worse than you think it is. It would be appropriate to get Women's Aid inside to get some support.

Seconding you can still leave this bastard, squeezedmiddlemummy. To quote you, please do! Get in touch with Women's Aid. You don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse. As a pp said, this is coercive control. Revolting

Just, I'm really sorry to hear how you're being treated. He sounds controlling and a bully. Not surprised you're fuming. You need to show him you mean business otherwise this will get worse. You have to get strong enough so that you could contemplate splitting if you had to. Tell him you don't need him telling you to be a good wife. What a selfish B!!

*onside

Exactly bully controlling

I agree with springydaffs, it sounds worse than you think it is, and it would be a good idea to call Women's Aid for solicitor recommendations but also general support.

In Wales the helpline number is 0808 80 10 800 (open 24/7).

You could also ask your [[https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/how-we-provide-advice/advice/search-for-your-local-citizens-advice/local-citizens-advice-details/?serialnumber=101074 local Citizens Advice for a list of solicitors as well as practical advice about divorce and finances.

Link fail!
local Citizens Advice

You are so vibrant!!!! I know you feel like shit, but truly and honestly, you sound bloody marvellous! I honestly think if you are on top form (without the wanker) you could probably take over the world! Xxx

Thank you all, when I get my little house you are all invited to come over and have a spin on the lawnmower not sure I will have enough room for the flock of emus but you never know Clive (the rooster) and his misses will have to do!

I hope those of you who are having similar issues with their DH also have the strength to do something, life is too short.

Good luck Just. You sound lovely.

Remember - the days are long, but the years are short. (Gretchen Rubin quote.) Make your plan, and then enjoy both the days and the years to come. Your children will be grown up before you know it. You have wonderful times ahead of you all.
Xxxxx

Just 1945 Can I just say you sound like a fabulous person, with a brilliant sense of humour. And you really, really need to LTB.

I left my abusive arse of an ex 3 years ago; at the time I was an empty shell of a person, and I was terrified at how I would manage on my own, as he did absolutely everything for me, and we ran a business together.

Three years on and my life is transformed: I have my own house, make my own decisions and have wonderful friends. My kids and I are immeasurably happier than when we were together.

Yes, he is still in our lives and yes, he is still an arse. But the number of people who knew us both who have subsequently said "Oh we always liked you but thought he was a knob" is quite an eye opener.

We don't have much money especially since the bastard stopped paying his maintenance but I can honestly say I've never been happier.

Do you want to be looking back when you're 60, regretting 35 years of misery and wasted opportunity?

You can do it.

So have you told him to F off then?

I am on strike Miles, inspired by all these lovely ladies. We have had arguments over it for a couple of years but I have never been explicit. I told him that I won't be making any dinner until he consents to sitting down and talking about our marriage. 2 dinners down, no discussion as of yet His mother is feeding him and absolutely loving it because she is a witch that has always said I'm not good enough which is good of her I am sure that holy hell will ensue when he runs out of clean shirts and realises that the washing fairy is also on strike.

Oh I love your stance! 😁 let his mother do his shirts as well - he'll think its great until she starts butting into his life!

I think she would be thrilled to, she makes it clear that I am not good enough for special son, I only want him for his money etc etc. Bloody well iron his shirts then you toxic old bag stubborn woman. You would assume after 20 years and having not acquired his money I would be given a break! I pray I am kinder to DS's wife, must make a note of that on my notebook

Wait till he wants sex 😀

Good grief. If my DS came to me moaning that his slave wife wasn't cooking for him and ironing his shirts, I'd tell him to work out where the cooker and iron were and bloody do it himself. And if he told me that it was because he was refusing to discuss the state of his marriage, I'd tell him to grow up.

Sounds like a particularly rough patch, hope you got some hugs, , along with all the good advice. You do what you need to do to feel like a happier person! I know that's not particularly helpful but I think we all feel like it sometimes, I hope your strike works out!!!

I'm sure she would suffice there as well I am 5"6 stout podgey sod brunette in glasses and darling mother is 6" blonde bombshell with a waist which I'm sure is smaller than my daughters!

Have been on sex strike since February so have made good progress there

You are far too kind Just.

If you really want to up the ante you need to fuck with his golf stuff. Hide one club - he won't notice till he really needs it. Better still - swap his golf balls - on the course he won't know which are his.

Given what a twunt he is that's more likely to get upset about that that his home life.

Only joking - he's not worth it.

Suggest you concentrate on being a damn good ex-wife tbh.....

Come to think of it I do need to clean the chicken coup and I really am in need of something golf-club-like to scrape it out. I wonder how he would enjoy strutting up and down the golf course in his disgusting gold tartan trousers waving a stick that smells like a hens arse?

What would he do if you don't cook and clean for him? Tell him when he is grateful for what you do you will consider doing it for him again until then strike!!

Not read thread.
My DH has been sole earner for the last 5 years & only in last few months have I earned any money towards household income.

Tell him to fuck right off.

My DH has to work anti social hours- evenings/ weekends / when I expected him to be on holiday.
We discuss it, and he has never said anything so crappy to me.

Oh Just, I feel for you. Like many of the lovelies here, I've been on your shoes and wondered how the hell it happened! Self worth, confidence, happiness etc all gone. I didn't know what to do with 3 small kids. Had all the tantrums etc but it eventually became violent as I continually ignored his warnings to 'behave myself.' You & your DC DESERVE so much better. It's not easy to make that decision to get them to leave - you stay put. I managed it with 3DC under 5 & we've never been happier. A huge weight lifted- No one to answer to, no tantrums, no MIL You'll do what feels right when you're ready. I do recommend the Freedom Programme and speaking to Womens Aid- you are being abused. Coercive control and bullied emotionally & financially - they will have some good suggestions. In the meantime take copies of payslips, his bank a/c details, and get all the children's docs together - put them in a safe place. As previously mentioned, keep your diaries- it can get quite unpleasant when it comes to £££ - no harm in being prepared for anything. There'll be lots of fab support here when you need it. Sending big hugs.

Hi OP, fwiw I was in a similar situation in that I also had no close family, friends or support but very unhappy in my marriage and doing pretty much all childcare and housework. We'd been together since I was 18 and I know. It seems like a ridiculously huge thing to end so many years together over something like this, but when you're used to someone dismissing and trivialising your unhappiness, your self esteem goes down the tubes and you just put up with more of it.
In my case, it ended because xH had an affair and it was my reaction to that rather than the affair itself that ended it. I was just relieved because I could end it without guilt and knowing it was a line I could draw. He couldn't argue me down over it (and he tried). TBH, if he hadn't had an affair, we'd likely still be married and I'd still be miserable.
You already know what you need to do. You just need to find the strength to stand your ground and that's easier said than done. My advice is to simply tell him you're done and the reason once. Remember you don't need to keep justifying yourself. If you do, he'll find a way to squeeze between the cracks and make you doubt yourself. Just be as stubborn as you can with motto: do not engage. If he starts being assy just ignore or walk away.
Fwiw, I can definitely confirm that life as a single mother is much, much easier and happier than being married to the wrong man. I wish I'd ended it long before I did.
Good luck, OP.