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Original poster

"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

628 replies

Just1945 · 04/06/2016 23:14

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons Hmm and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty Hmm to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary Hmm and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job Hmm and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! Envy I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 07/06/2016 17:33

absolutely why should you?

so, ask him to leave.
what is stopping you?

my guess is unless he decides running to mummy is good option because he gets fed and shirts ironed then he wont up and leave quietly. he will laugh at you tell you to leave if you dont like it....

my guess is he will get angry and aggressive.

(but cry when you do leave and make it all about him)

so you need to consider options.

he has equal rights to the house.

my exp refused to leave so I had to...only regret is not doing so earlier

have a back up plan when you tell him.

have your brother on speed dial
can you take dc to your brothers if you need to?

cestlavielife · 07/06/2016 17:36

the reality is that you have to be ready to do something about this situation
and if he wont go quietly off to some where else
(he might if he has someone else i guess)
then you need plan B
investigate rentals.
get savings ready.

AugustaFinkNottle · 07/06/2016 17:44

Suggest to him he goes back to mummy full time. I expect he leaves her lists headed "Be a good mother".

Lweji · 07/06/2016 18:10

Why should I look for a rental when my name is already on a mortgage which I am liable for monthly?

As others said, if he won't leave, then renting elsewhere is a possibility.

Do talk to a solicitor. You could arrange to force him out. Or rent elsewhere until there is a court order to decide who lives in the house. You can always go back eventually.

But do get legal advice in relation to your options.

The worst option is to live in the same house while separating.

Original poster
Just1945 · 07/06/2016 18:13

I suppose I would like to see if there is something there to salvage, if he will realise "oh actually I was a bit of a twerp, maybe I should amend my ways". I don't see this forthcoming, so it is a matter of being calm and collected and adjusting to slowly removing him from the picture without a dramatic display in front of the DC. The longer he has to acclimatise to the fact I am not his skivvy then the less holy hell he will cause when the divorce petition lands on the mat Hmm I want him to expect it and to be uncomfortable at home that he is also relieved for us to depart and sell it. Does that sound a reasonable plan?

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/06/2016 18:16

I really wouldn't count on him voluntarily leaving. He could make things very difficult for you and even become physically violent.

Do have a plan B.

The same if you don't want dramatic displays in front of the children. He is likely to use emotional blackmail.

As as difficult as my break up was, it was swift and definitive. DS is fine and reacted well, despite everything.
Long drawn out separations can be a lot worse, IMO.

Original poster
Just1945 · 07/06/2016 18:16

To be fair I haven't asked him to leave in so many words, we are joint owners and I respect that. I am content to cohabit as he is never there anyway and when he is the DC are there (surprisingly he never causes a fuss in front of DC so this keeps the peace). I think he will stay with his mother before long, but I will not force him to go nor remove the DC from this house until they have a stable home to go to.

OP posts:
EatsShitAndLeaves · 07/06/2016 18:17

I think he will leave - if the OP won't enable his lifestyle his mum will and that's where he will go. Probably to give the OP time to get over her "hysteria" and "come to her senses".

He's a a catch you see and any "good wife" will want him Hmm

In the meantime https://uk.pinterest.com/a1askamom/up-cycled-golf-clubs/

Original poster
Just1945 · 07/06/2016 18:19

Shock a golf club chicken would look radiant on the lawn! Although the neighbours might think I have finally gone batshit lost my marbles.

OP posts:
EatsShitAndLeaves · 07/06/2016 18:20

And the kids might enjoy some of these ideas Grinhttps://uk.pinterest.com/andreareichl/golf-ball-upcycle/

BennyTheBall · 07/06/2016 18:24

Sound horrendous.

I wouldn't want my children growing up thinking this is normal family life.

Stop enabling him.

Original poster
Just1945 · 07/06/2016 18:24

DD would lose her shit at that ladybug. She's been a ladybug two years running for Halloween, every birthday and on xmas day (according to wise DD, special occasions are dressing up occasions Hmm she's 4)

OP posts:
Petal40 · 07/06/2016 18:25

Dozer on page one,ha try 24 yrs...

SandyY2K · 07/06/2016 18:57

It's not really fair to ask your partner to leave a home they jointly own just like that. One has to be realistic about these things.

It's not like he's been violent or unfaithful, when you would have grounds to tell him to leave.

So often I see husbands kicking themselves when their wife has had enough and declares the marriage over. Unfortunately, by then it's too late and the husband is desperate to get his wife back.

Maybe your husband will be one of those men.

I've a friend who had a big row with her DH and she just went on purely civil terms with him. No other interaction. The DCs sided with my friend (they are 16+) and he was getting very little conversation from anyone at home.

The kids decided to take my friend out on her birthday minus their dad. He finally realised he'd pissed the whole family off and apologised profusely and started changing his ways.

I was right behind her telling her not to give in, because he'd done similar stuff before.

Stick to your guns.

Original poster
Just1945 · 07/06/2016 19:20

UPDATE! mil has just text me with drumroll a list of items for me to pack for DH as he will be staying with her for a "few days", which he will allegedly collect from the porch at 9pm sharp Hmm

OP posts:
BathildaBagshot · 07/06/2016 19:20

Sandy please do read the thread before commenting utter bollocks. He doesn't own the home, OP is sole tenant. And he's emotionally abusive, as well as having bugged her living room. Back in your box.

Original poster
Just1945 · 07/06/2016 19:21

Have I missed something Hmm

OP posts:
RiceCrispieTreats · 07/06/2016 19:23

Has MIL signed off the list with "Be good DIL, Justine"?

pinkyredrose · 07/06/2016 19:25

Even his mother gives you a fucking list! I wouldn't pack a thing, if he wants to leave he can pack his own fucking shit.

new5poundnote · 07/06/2016 19:25

Delurking to say please don't pack the items for him. Or if you do, pack totally unsuitable things. Like swimming shorts and a loo brush.

FantasticButtocks · 07/06/2016 19:27

He's going to stay with his mother for a few days? Great. He can pack his few things up himself. It is not your responsibility to do it, and it's nothis mother's job, or right, to send you instructions! Fucking hell!!! I really hope you text back, 'Thanks for letting me know. I'm sure your son is old enough to pack his own bag'

HamletsSister · 07/06/2016 19:27

Pack him some of the kids' dirty laundry and a brief note telling him to, "Be a good husband and give these a wash".

And enjoy the peace.

pinkyredrose · 07/06/2016 19:27

bathilda wrong thread?

PhoenixReisling · 07/06/2016 19:28

Bung his whole wardrobe in black bin liners and shove them out on the lawn Grin

Helennn · 07/06/2016 19:29

Omg, "it's not like he's been violent or unfaithful where you would have grounds to tell him to leave".

So emotional abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse (not in this case fortunately, but as an example), coercive control aren't grounds Sandy?