"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

[Just1945]

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

I work 15 hours a week he earns more than me and pay most of the bills therefore he feels he has the right to do NOThING!!! ...he has slept with prostitutes and thinks I don't know!!! When I was giving birth to my last born he was busy screwing another woman!!!

My Boss's, husband is a lot like this one and a lot of DH's in truth are like this (even occasionally) without even realising. I think a lot of them grew up with their fathers behaving like this so know no different. I would suggest that you start booking activites/time for your self, even if just to the gym/ a class, or a girls holiday if you can get away with it etc, whereby he HAS to come home and look after kids/do stuff etc. otherwise he never will help and never appreciate what you do. I have seen this work well for a lot of couples.... hope that helps maybe?

Lovely Lady,
Clearly whatever rocks your boat is your business and if your generally happy and just having a "fuck you" moment, and feel better after your rant all well and good. Your life your choice. the following is written assuming your not at risk of Domestic Violece or the kids. If you feel you may put yourself or your kids are at risk, seek professional support.

If however your actually thinking, fuck this, I can add a few things.
I used to be an equal financial partner, now I make no financial contribution as I do all the kids shit, shopping cooking etc etc Blar Blar Blar, it's kind of my choice for now.... Anyway.. so my DH (18 years, I'm also in my 40s, professional couple) he works 40+ hours a week. He also when not working the weekend (shift worker) he gets up and takes the boy to Rugby or the girl to soccer. He will cook, put the washing in or out. Etc etc. So go me, lucky lady with a fab husband. But that's not why I'm replying.

Okay, time to try and have a chat with the DH firstly. Point out he can only do what he does because you do what you do. That you are not happy with the situation and you want and expect change. Be specific about what changes you require and a time frame. (What do you want? Something more tangible than "I want you to help more") Try - I need you to take the kids to sport on Saturday, I want a date night with a baby sitter at least once a fortnight, where we go out without the kids. You need to remember to tell and show me you appreciate what I do. I don't just know it. You will no longer tell me to "shut up and be a good wife" it's disrespectful, it offends me, it's not funny and needs to stop today. You need to be home from work and put the kids to bed at least twice a week.
The bloke genes respond better to fact rather than emotion. So make a 2 column list with everything you do, with approximate times taken.
So proving you work about 100 hours a week. (Cost it as if he was paying for it, ie: If you didn't do it, to buy those services @ so many hours a week would be)
Then list the downtime you take.
Leave a colum for him to do the same.

He will come back with all the usual bullshit excuses, so here is where you DONT LOOSE YOUR SHIT, calmly tell him that you wanted to have an adult conversation, that you are going to leave the house now (with the kids left at home) and come back in a few hours after he has had a chance to think. Then go, to the cinema or a cafe and read...visit a friend but don't then just rip into the DH. Actually make a list of anything he does do to help, reasons why you like being with him. Don't get pissed!! Text to say you will be home at ......... And want to find an agreement.
IF when you get home he agrees, apologies etc. Don't push further for now. Thank him for hearing you and tell him you will hold him to it.
This is pretty unlikely but can happen.. If he continues to be an ARSE, tell him you need both of you to go to professional counselling.
I think it's pretty interesting that most men say they have no idea that their wives have been so happy that they had planned to leave right up until the bags are packed. Most woman say they had sent clear signals for 12 months at least that they were very unhappy and wanted things to change. It all comes down to communication. As woman we over state in our heads how much we are communicating, we think we are being clear because we are doing the pissy silence.. Blokes think "oh excellent the sports on" We say things like "I need more help" and so he thinks "go me, I washed up job done. By the time we get to the specifics we don't like them enough to care and just want them fuck off" we put up the barriers and they are standing on the other side saying "what did I do" WE all know the answer is "not fucking enough sunshine" but they genuinely don't get that. You have to be specific, you also have to be honest that your not saying BLAR when you mean BLar BLAR BlAR. This way he can measure when he has done good. It sounds like children, but stick to really simple language and don't assume anything.
Anyway so this turned into a bloody novel, sorry. another thing I do which is very useful, is to go away with the girls for a long weekend. Give him notice and say your going, when he does the whole - whose going to look after the kids tell him to work it out for a change like you do all the time... However you MUsT go as long as you know your kids are safe. (So what if they eat pizza for 4 days) Oh and no preparing stuff for anyone before you go!.

I wish I knew you justine! You are witty and insightful and ive scanned all the pages of this post just reading your comments. You know what to do.. and I genuinely would be shocked if your friends wouldn't support you. Although you've maybe lost touch with some or lost confidence to make more, I'd love to know you. I'd love to help.. I'd love to have words with that bugger you live with. I do hope you realise how important your life is and how important your role is in your kids lives. You want the best for them but just think for a minute about what they're learning by you staying.. they are learning to put themselves last and that other people control how you feel and behave.. that's not what I'd want my children to learn.
Big hugs Mrs!! Xx

He refuses child care to keep you subservient, he could afford it clearly as he is looking for a sports car (which the kids won't fit in)
If you had childcare you could go to work & make more money, & then become equal ! or worse be able to feel empowered enough to ditch the sad fucker.
But actually I suggest you get ALL the documents copied, his pension funds, his salary, plus bonuses, petrol allowance, savings, mortgage docs ......(these documents are kept at work where he will not know you have them. ditto with the birth certs, & passports.
You make an aptmt with the CAB, & start working out your finances in silence, & before he starts hiding it when he realises you are OUT THE DOOR.. You change phone & computer settings so he cannot find your private messages, you un link any iCloud settings, you open a new secret bank acc. with online statements, & you start putting money into it.

You only live this once, please go & enjoy your life,

The bloke genes respond better to fact rather than emotion
I suppose that'll be because they are from mars and woman are from venus?

Pay your lawyer out of the 55% of the house and 50% of his pension you are likely entitled to.

You can take your time but it does sound as if the scales have fallen from your eyes about how badly he is behaving - have you discussed it properly with him. Your relationship currently is a terrible model for children of either sex.
Keep reading and posting on here, there is so much support and advice to help you.
Good luck

Just read more of the 14 pages of communication. I was being my reasonable self before, but clearly you are a victim of DV, he is abusing you, your self esteem and your kids by treating you as a maid.

So, dropping the professional hat can I say, woman to woman

He sounds like a Knob, kick him out, your already on your own. You will be much less lonely when he is gone. Go forth and pack his bags, change the locks when he is at golf, pop those bags in an Uber to his mothers and then text him to tell him to not bother coming home. Locks are changed, his stuff is gone to mums, and that the bag of frozen prawns you packed in with his golfing wears will be defrosting and leaking anytime now. Ask your brother to come and stay for a few days and get an addictional phone so you can call who you need to and switch off yours if he gets abusive. Get your claim for income support lodged immediately and empty any joint accounts. Set up a Bank account of your own if you haven't already. Take some sick leave from work, advise the kids school that Dad has been moved and is not to take the kids from school without your permission. Tell the kids that Daddy is going to stay with Granny for a little while. That you and Daddy love them lots but sometimes, Mummy's and Daddy's can be much nicer people when they don't live in the same house. Reassure them that they will be able to go over to granny's house and play with Daddy. That its okay for them to be sad, that if they are worried they can talk to you or your brother or a teacher. (Try give them 5 people they can trust)
Love your clearly a clever, funny lady, a great mom and able to do this. You will be stronger than you know. When your ready... (Oh just for the record, it can take 7 attempts to leave a relationship, so don't beat yourself up if you loose the balls to do so a few times) Be the woman you would tell your daughter to be. They are both watching..
Keep a treasured possession as security.

I find the be a good wife statement followed by a list of chores quite chilling and very controlling ... While he goes and plays golf! You have been given a role to play and you are playing it .. What I'm always unsure about is whether men like this have an ongoing, well considered and planned strategy or whether know no better because of past role models etc. (is the brother similar). If it's the latter maybe you could both benefit from some sort of outside intervention?? God you are worth so much more than this. .

Gosh ! Loads more posts !! It's taken me ages to catch up !
Hope you are ok Justine !
Emus and no spill wine sounds a scream !!!
What I wouldn't give to just do a Shirley Valentine somedays !!

Keep smiling ( he'll wonder what you are up to !!)

It might be interesting for you to make your own list of criteria that make for a good husband.

You do not deserve to be treated like a doormat! I was once, took me years to get over it. But it was worth it. As everyone else has said, it is family income...get the statements copied, and the pensions, and the savings, and then start LIVING your life with your kids! Stay strong, and keep us posted!

Ok well you could break up. I did. Or....

He is contracted to work 40 hours and you 30? Do the maths and apportion all parenting/home/marriage duties accordingly, including cooking meals, laundry, arranging date nights, attending school etc. If he complains that he earns more tell him you're a wife not a whore.

He plays golf? Remember your 'me' time in that list - if you're short on friends and have no hobby then get one.

I need to be really serious about this because its a serious situation. What you are facing is called coercive control and its a form of domestic abuse now recognised in law.
Its no good people telling you to woman up and tell him where to go because victims of this kind of control lose the ability to fight back, Please please contact a help line for abusive control and get some advice and perspective on how to end this situation. Very best of luck.

I don't think it is necessarily that 'woman in this position lose the abilityto fight back'. It is more who wants a relationship that is a constant battle I have that with my kids

I never stopped fighting back. He just escalated and got into an arms race.

I won in the end by walking away from the battle. I think it is an often impalatable reality for women - you get the choice between a shit rs on their terms on no rs. They won't pay you the respect of meeting you as an equal.

FWIW my x did pretty much the same to me. Used lack of childcare to control me. If you did not live together you would be entitled to help with the cost of childcare.

I think OP it sounds like your plan is to leave him rather than try to change him? In which case get your ducks in a row.

But if you want to try using levers then next time he brings up his job say "about that, what with your job being a bit precarious, I have decided to work more hours. I'll need you to contribute towards childcare while we are both working. If not, then I can only afford childcare if we are living separately, so I will be moving out and claiming tax credits and child support. Your choice fucknuts".

Oh and next time you book a holiday save yourself some money by not including him.

I could have written this myself 10 years ago. I would like to say LTB, but that would make me a hypocrite,I am still with mine after 16 years. I am 39 but feel so much older. My DH has total control over me. If you have the strength to go. I am begging you, please go.
My DH begged me to have more children although I felt that I just wanted to progress in my career, because our older children had become Independent. My very few friends said he was using children as a way of keeping me with him, without him having to make the effort. At the time I thought he was just trying to keep the family together. I often meet my friends when he is not around because he is very rude to my friends and that is an effective way of making me lose friends. He comes home quite late and never bathes the children or tucks them in. He did with our first son (sometimes). But the novelty seems to have worn off through the years. I gave him his wish and have had 2 more DC'S over the past few years because he promised he would change, ( and he did while we were trying) but now I feel totally betrayed.
I had to give up my career and I have to work a crappy part time job because it fits around the children and school. He earns quite a lot of money (professional in the city) but I still have to use my part time money to pay for treats for the DS'S, he moans every waking hour about money.
I was such a fool, but I woke up too late. I dont know if what we feel us love. We've been isolated for so long, the fear of leaving makes staying seem like a better option.

He'd written you a list? And written WHAT at the top??! Patronising, condescending toss-monkey. Keep hold of that anger and use it to get out. You're effectively a single parent already, you really won't notice much difference apart from having one less child to take care of....

Let me give you a glimpse into the future ..... .. I said to my teenage son... Maybe I could show you how to iron your shirts.. (so he doesnt end up like his father, confusing a wife for a maid) ... He laughed, threw his shirt at me and said ... "That's your job! " ... I told him off, but they don't listen to me because my DH never backs me up.
I feel that my DS's will become just like my husband and my lovely DD will think this is how a woman should be.
It's not easy to leave your life behind, and disrupt the children's lives, all that they've ever known. But I am seriously considering it. You should too.
Best of luck xx

LEAVE THE TWAT.
Take him to the cleaners and then he can forgo his poxy golf every other week to take the kids somewhere nice.
You will get lots of help and much more free time to discover yours led and regain some of your lost friends, and find a nice decent man who treats you right.
I met my ex when I was 17 - clue is in the EX part. I waited FAR to long - don't make the same mistake, your kids won't thank you for staying in a loveless and quite frankly, disturbing, relationship!

I'd just like to add I've never ironed anyone's shirt, ever. Nor have I ever packed a suitcase, something I've heard of recently where women pack for their partners:husbands. It was like Cantonese to me. I think that's a message in itself.
To OP, get good legal advice, copy all financials in the house and LTB (lose the bastard).

Thank you all for your replies, your stories have made me extremely sad it's never too late to leave, you know. All of your DHs sound so much worse than mine

Haven't been able to be on much today as DH is "working from home", which mainly consists of him puffing downstairs at the table where he's right in my fucking way telling me if he spends half hour with DD while I nip out the world will come to an end and he will be fired same crap really. I was planning on sitting down and chatting with him today but he cheesed me off so much I was busy with an unwell DD. Bless her, vomitting in her own shoes was not as good of a plan as she had thought

I have been on the lookout for a solicitor that I can speak to in Haverfordwest, my thread in another forum did not come to fruition, any recommendations oh wise mumsnetters?

You know what you need to do. Good luck

Squeezedmiddlemummy you can still leave. Really, you can.

And OP, not worse, just a different flavour of shit. But still shit.

But as I said, as his job is so risky it really would be sensible if you worked more just in case