"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

[Just1945]

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

When your husband is lying on the ground with a few feathers sticking out of his arse say "Oh, be a good wife, I thought you said the Good Life, so I bought some animals for our small holding
he he :o

(although I think an encounter with an emu would be more likely to leave him disemboweled...or is it kangaroo's that specialise in evisceration?)

Oh it just gets worse - he has revolting dogs too ? What a small holding you'll have - slobbery dogs, disemboweling emus and kangaroos ! Thank the lord Susan is around with her hoover at the ready, I'm picturing her now as Margot from the Good Life.

However, that means you're Barbara OP so your dh has to be Tom, and I can't have that as I loved Tom. He had a ride on mower as well, but I seem to remember it was an old rotavator or something with an outboard motor.

He has 3, I hate them all in equal measure.

Susan is not allowed to be Margot as she is my favourite "Tom, do you mean to tell me you been wheeling that filthy apparatus up and down the avenue all afternoon?"

That's a great quote OP.

You're right of course, Susan can't be the lovely Margot. I'm sure Margot had a cleaner so the comparison wouldn't work there with the hoover.

I've got a really good hoover and I don't much care for dogs, so perhaps I'll come round and give them a rub down with the stair cleaning attachment (disclaimer: I'm not Susan)

Susan won't come anywhere near the hounds and I don't blame her I'm sure she thinks my house is the indoors equivalent to a petting zoo. Should really stop the rooster napping in the kitchen really

Is Rooster a nickname for your husband?
We've already established that he's a cock

The rooster is a bit too handsome for comparison with DH, plus the rooster talks to me more often. Shirley Valentine had a wall, I have a rooster.

So you have two cocks strutting around the house... Which would you rather pop in an oven bag and serve to your MIL for lunch

your husband is a fucking child and you actually pandering to this is just making it worse - if I were you I would stop doing is laundry, stop making his meals and tell him to go back to his mamma if that'st the sort of life he expects/

Any nice little dog-free house available to rent close to the school?

So I take it that buying dog food, taking the dogs for walks and to the vet etc are also in those lists your husband writes for you?

Seriously, your life would be so much improved by getting him and his dogs out of it. And it would do him good to have to sort something out for the dogs without just being able to put it on a list for his slave to deal with.

Just, I think I'm a little bit in love with you, you sound brilliant, can I live in a yurt in your garden?!

So whilst your with him, you can't do shit as your hands are totally tied.
If you leave him you'll get help towards childcare, can increase your hours. Your lucky you've a good job that you can increase your wage. I'd put money your better at your job than he is.

You keep saying he's a good dad and loves his kids, of course he does. He gets to fuck off and have 'me time' whenever he likes, he's well rested and patient for the time he spends with them. It's easy to be 'fun and playful' when your not exhausted and not having to worry about washing, dinner etc etc. Let alone spotless Susan.

I'd look at September as your time to go, get summer holidays done. Plenty of time to get your ducks in a row ready.

I know you are worried about the money aspect, but honestly, don't. First thing to do as soon as you leave him is to apply for tax credits - based on the 12k you said you earned you will get working tax credit, child tax credit and money towards childcare costs. You may also get legal aid because the dispute will be with your husband and so his income isn't counted, but if you jointly own the house then that will be taken into consideration as capital and might have an impact depending on it's vale.

Honestly, you NEED to leave this man. You will be fine money wise.

I would also insist that the house is sold - or let him buy you either way you don't want tied to it - and make sure you tell the CSA that you have separated - him getting that letter will be a nice surprise.

I know you said you don't really care about the money, but set your pride aside and take it.

I would also get the house valued so you know where you stand with that. and make a complete list of all the things you co-own - furniture, appliances, cars etc. Get copies of all your bank statements and have them to hand.

Keep a record of all that he does - and keep things like those fucking lists he makes and take them with you.

Honestly, I would go about it very calmly. Stop looking after him. Stop cleaning up after him. Stop cooking for him and start to pack your things. Be ready.

Start to look for somewhere else to live, even if it's on a small flat on a short term lease, you just need to be out of that house.

It's time to rebuild your life. And think of your kids - do you honestly want them growing up thinking that it's acceptable to let someone treat you like that?

And those calls to your work need to stop - firstly talk to your boss and explain the situation, that you are leaving him. The majority of employers are surprisingly sympathetic to things like this - especially when it's out of your control. Which is why you then need to speak to your solicitor who will write to his solicitor asking that contact in this way stop. If that doesn't work your solicitor will help you get a court order which will detail exactly how and when contact is permitted regarding both you and the children.

But most of all, through it all yuo must be calm. No scenes, no drama, no shouting. Just be calm and level headed at all times.

And good luck. Please, please take the advise of everyone here who is telling you to get out.

Wonder if he'd still keep 3 dogs when he doesn't have op to clean up after them?

Skipped the thread for the usual reason: everyone telling you to leave is right. Record everything from now on, back up to cloud, get your game face on.

I don't have anything to add to what the others have said, but rarely have I read a thread where I am rooting so much for the OP to leave. Please do - you will regain your sanity, self esteem and happiness. Don't do what a friend of mine has been doing in similar circumstances - she has stayed with her emotionally and financially abusive husband and her sons have picked up on his appalling attitude towards her and are now mirroring it. Leave before your children think your relationship is what they should model their lives on

Good heavens. I don't say LTB much, but I couldn't stay with this controlling, abusive excuse for a partner for another day.

Urgh, what a KNOB. Book yourself a 2 week holiday and give him a bloody wake up call. Stop mothering him!!

I'm sorry but your husband sounds like a pig. Plenty of hubbies and partners help out even if they work long hours bearing in mind you work 30 hours and do all drop offs/pick ups. I would give him an ultimatum or kick him to the curb.

I'm afraid you wouldn't get legal aid, it's not available unless there's domestic violence.

....Wine in a sippy cup for the ride on lawnmower.....

That is the coolest thing I've ever heard. Top marks!

Oh God, reading this has made me feel quite ill because in parts he sounds like my former husband. I left him when my DD was just coming up to 5 years old. It's been 2 years now and while it's been hard at times, I don't regret a day.

Ask yourself, OP, do you want your children growing up thinking his kind of behaviour is acceptable? That was the turning point for me, when someone asked if I wanted DD growing thinking it was okay for a man to treat a woman like that.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you love and luck xx

I think this relationship is abusive. Do you have parents and/or in-laws?What do they think? Presumably his mother thinks the sun shines out of his arse. You could give him a chance to improve by refusing to do his washing or put meals in front of him. One Sunday lunchtime, eat, then walk out for a few days, (stay with family or friends?), let him deal with the shit himself. If he doesn't improve, separate.

You sound great OP.

Before you say or do anything that might tip him off that you might be thinking of leaving, do some digging around to find the places where he's stashed away the family's money. Find statements etc and make your own copies to keep outside the family home.

Best of luck.

Exactly like my husband just1945 the only thing he does in the house is take out the dust bin ... A went a way for a week with the kids, I have three 9, 6 and 3 all the the dishes were left in the sink for me when I came back he did nothing!!!