"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

[Just1945]

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

I'm not entitled to any additional support because of "our" earnings so I too get pocket money which of course goes on DC for their activities, food etc.

I'm sorry for your friend that is truly awful, a shitty DH is one thing but to be treated like that by your children must be soul destroying.

Additional hours isn't possible as I genuinely can't afford the childcare and he won't pay for it.

It would be a stand off, wouldn't it?

You leaving the house early and leaving him in charge of finding childcare or care for the children himself.
Or dropping them off at his work, as he won't pay for child care.
Or tell the school to ring him if nobody picks up the children from school.

This leads to the question. How does he see his children? Only yours? Or are you just a baby making and caring machine?

No, he loves the children and that is very evident. I just don't think he loves me. If I were to leave them with him he would simply bring them to my place of work and ungodly scenes would ensue my colleagues don't particularly like him as he is very aloof and arrogant. I would hate for my workmates to think I have "dumped" my children and just gone to work!

Just if you were earning as much as him, or even more, he's still be like this with you, he'd just have other "reasons" to constantly torture and belittle you to keep you "in line".

It's really not to do with your earnings - clearly you are bringing much much more to your family overall than he is. It's because you're a woman and he feels it is your role in life to do all the labour in the home and with the children. He considers himself far too superior for all the grunt work/care work.

Make your plan - make it good. In a years time you could be months down the track from this relationship, and in a much happier and more content place. Your children will be fine. I'm 3 years out and though I'm still recovering from living so long with an EV/VA dork, in many ways, life is really good now. My friendships have been rekindled, I've got the routine with the DC working well with my FT job, have a great childminder for after school care.

You are stronger than you think. You need never iron another shirt, or cook his sorry arse a meal ever again.

Bet your colleagues would understand exactly why you'd done it, because they see him for the arrogant tosser he is. And you know what, he doesn't really love them as people, or he'd look after them. He loves them as objects decorating his perfect life. You too are an object in his worldview, not a real person.

What about if you got up early and went out on a weekend and turned your phone off?

He would ring the police who would find me in the pub, not a good look

They know he's an arrogant fuckbasket but I don't want my children involved as they are old enough to grasp that he would be really infuriated and he would no doubt say "mum has left you what a bitch"

He's got your arm up your back hasn't he? He just has to give it a yank from time to time to make you suffer.

I can't get over this...

I genuinely can't afford the childcare

This is ridiculous. Whose children are they? You can jointly afford the childcare, 'his' money is just as much family money as yours. Why do you have to pay for childcare when they are his kids too? I just don't get it. Sorry if I haven't RTFT but is there no concept at all in your house that the money is jointly held or God forbid, shared?

If that is the case, you would definitely be better off post-divorce as you'd actually have to split your joint assets fairly.

Small victory today, not cooking lunch. That's a good first step. Don't get distracted into playing games, though.

Would you like to stay in the home or start again in a new place? I moved out, and it helped the DCs with going to see their dad (whom they had previously seen about as often as yours see theirs) because it was already home.

I love our house but we overbought (because he wanted it) and so I think I would be happy to downsize. It's not a huge house or anything (3 small bedrooms) but it has land which is basically no use to anyone unless I were to buy a flock of emus. I would be happy in a small house close to the school. Not sure he would stay in the home as the mortgage is ridiculous plus anything he would have to give to me for support.

You k ow what you need to do - go for freedom!

That's great, because it's easier to plan your exit if it's you leaving rather than trying to persuade him to go!

I downsized (marital home was all for show) to a place near school! For the first year or so, I didn't let him set foot over the thingummy - what is it called?! The house was my sanctuary, a place of peace.

Imagine yourself in yours: no lists or shirts, none of his priorities, the whole bed to yourself...

I've been following your post and don't really have any advice but wanted to say that you sound lovely and he sounds like a shit. I really really hope you can get out of your relationship soon and get on with your life in peace. there are a lot of people rooting for you!

i feel that this assertion
he loves the children and that is very evident

is at odds with these observations

If I were to leave them with him he would simply bring them to my place of work and ungodly scenes would ensue

he would no doubt say "mum has left you what a bitch

not a very 'loving way to treat the children is it...like pawns in the game, levers to control you with :(

he's making sure that all the paid work is your responsibility, this free's him up to do more of the paid work and thus claim resultant economic power, the children are pieces on the chessboard that he can use to prevent you from progressing in your carreer

Is there any chance you could have a conversation with him. telling him you aren't happy in the marriage and letting him know the reasons you aren't happy.

It might be better to put it in writing and prevent any interruptions. You can say how things have changed from when you got together and how you wish it could get back to the way it was, where you both had a much better connection.

He ultimately needs to know that if things don't change, you will have no option but to seriously consider your future as a couple and this will most likely involve separate living arrangements.

You should also mention how this totally separate financial arrangement feels like separate entities and not a marriage.

The underlying message you need to get across, is that you are not prepared to live out the rest of your days in an unhappy marriage and that your ideal solution (if you feel it ) is that you improve the marriage as a couple, but if that isn't possible, then you'd rather you both found happiness separately and co-parent together.

He cannot then deny knowing how you feel. He cannot claim you left out of the blue and didn't give him a chance to make things better in the marriage. Plus he will also know that a permanent split means he will have less cash, which he won't want. So it's in his best interest to make a change.

The way he behaves will only lead you to be very resentful and also make you feel rather vulnerable to outside affection. I'm horrified that he would bring the kids to your place of work.

The fact that he can barely cope with them, just means you'll get the larger percentage of custody and a good amount of child support and spousal support.

You would actually be a lot better of financially without him.

He's way to selfish for marriage.

I have tried, particularly since about summer time last year. The thing is I don't want any of his money, just equality in chores and childcare, then I really wouldn't care about money.

Leave him. You sound ace - funny, clever, a great mum and I bet you're a really good laugh. He sounds absolutely foul.

He has snuffed out your light. Awful for the kids to grow up seeing their vibrant clever mum oppressed.

I think you'll be happy on your own.

Thank you not sure about the "vibrant", I'm about as vibrant as dogshit in the dark at the moment

Because he's beaten you down.

Your personality shines through your posts even in the rubbish situation you are in.

It is abuse- financial, emotional and I am worried for you that if you stand up to him it may turn physical.

I may be off the mark but he sounds unhinged.

Be careful x

BTW, I'm not suggesting you'd use the children as pawns to play games with him. You know what the answer is, anyway.
It just shows that he doesn't really love them. Not as you do. Or feel responsible for them in the way you do. And that is why you have to pay for childcare.
He is not a father. Not a proper one.

If you had he talk and nothing has improved, there is hardly any hope, is there?

Can you write in his diary?

Be a good husband - look after your wife - pick up after yourself - and help with the children -

OR - Dear H - do fuck off dear -

OMG YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BUY A FLOCK OF EMUS!

There's a market for their meat and eggs and you could buy a ride on lawnmower thing to heard them with.

That'll supplement your income!

I have a ride on lawn mower, cowboy hat and wine sippy cup to avoid spills a flock of emus would be fun if i also bought a lasso..

I believe an emu can be quite aggressive, so in your current situation I would definitely buy a couple and train them for attack mode.

When your husband is lying on the ground with a few feathers sticking out of his arse say "Oh, be a good wife, I thought you said the Good Life, so I bought some animals for our small holding"

I absolutely love The Good Life so that plan might just be a viable...

It will make a change from hoovering the house religiously thanks to his revolting dogs