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Original poster

"Be a good wife"... be a good DH and F off!

628 replies

Just1945 · 04/06/2016 23:14

Sorry, fuming.

As a back story, married 15 years and 2 DC, early 40s and both professional and difficult careers. DH works standard 40 hours but often chooses to work late for various bullshit reasons Hmm and has an hour drive home so gets home lateish. I work a shorter 30 hours because I have no choice - have to do breakfasting, school drop off and pick ups. This means realistically that he is always the higher earner.

Because he is said higher earner, it is therefore my duty Hmm to "be a good wife", which I am reminded of constantly with that very phrase. I am expected to pick up after him, cook his dinner every day and wash his clothes and care for his children, as when he gets home they are basically almost in bed. Likewise he is too late home from work for after school activities and plays golf on the weekend so all that is my responsibility. Every football game, every netball game, every training session (3 days every week) and weekend matches are all down to me. When I ask when this is going to even out he tells me to "be a good wife" and dutifully complete his mundane tasks for him like I am his secretary Hmm and to shut up and get on. Apparently my time is worth less because I earn less. Well, not much choice because God forbid he take his share of caring for the children. I am of course reminded that should he be home early he could risk losing his job Hmm and various similar shit excuses (all non-legitimate, he is quite senior in his role and can find time for golf during the working day!)

He doesn't make me feel attractive and sleeping with him is a task. I just want to be left alone to sleep because I am exhausted. I am literally his second mother.

Anybody else have to put up with fucking man child please feel free to join in the rant! Envy I find it so demeaning and that phrase just sets me off.

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/06/2016 19:40

Just out of curiosity, how was housework divided prior to children?
By the difference in salaries, it looks like your paths had different speeds even before children. Why was that?

Original poster
Just1945 · 05/06/2016 19:43

The salary difference comes from me taking 10+ years off, with bouts of part time here and there. Its also hard to find something in our area that's part time / suits my hours so I have to accept a lower wage than if I was working full time.

I did all the housework even prior to marriage, but was never criticised and so I didn't think anything of it?

OP posts:
Dozer · 05/06/2016 20:00

Bet you didn't actually have a good relationship before DC. You probably just missed all the red flags. Like that you were doing all the housework - why? Like your H's views about women.

And probably there was less obvious conflict before DC, eg because you could skivvy to meet his silly expectations and still have a bit of free time: not possible now.

Lweji · 05/06/2016 20:02

I did all the housework even prior to marriage
That was your red flag. Obviously too late, but why didn't you think much of it?

Original poster
Just1945 · 05/06/2016 20:04

Because then he made me happy, so I was happy to do it, I guess?

OP posts:
FurryLittleTwerp · 05/06/2016 20:08

I went into marriage in my twenties like I was playing some sort of housekeeping game, even though I worked full-time. All the jobs I did then became mine & remained mine after DC. Bonkers really how an intelligent person could be so stupid Sad

tribpot · 05/06/2016 20:27

then he made me happy, so I was happy to do it, I guess?

But this was when you were both working full-time? Didn't it strike you as rather odd?

Original poster
Just1945 · 05/06/2016 20:54

At the time, no Biscuit

OP posts:
PirateFairy45 · 05/06/2016 21:18

Simple. Stop doing the other things for him. Let him wash his own clothes, pick up after himself or tell him to do it and make his own meals.

I did that with my DP and he's changing his attitude towards me.

More grateful now for the things I do.

Original poster
Just1945 · 05/06/2016 21:22

I am trying that approach pirate. DH didn't get his usual Sunday lunch today and on me suggesting we could make it together he initially puffed and then stormed out to have a pub lunch with his mother. He'll be in the pub now for the evening, come home and then ignore me. Don't think he is mature enough to get the jist like your DH!

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 05/06/2016 21:24

How do men like this exist in 2016 while under the age of 200?

Original poster
Just1945 · 05/06/2016 21:35

Because women have kept feeding them and so they have not gone extinct Hmm

OP posts:
glassgarden · 05/06/2016 21:50

he initially puffed and then stormed out to have a pub lunch with his mother. He'll be in the pub now for the evening, come home and then ignore me
it's a tactic to get you to comply, it's to do with keeping up a certain level of pressure and tension so that you cant relax or feel at home and it eventually feels easier to just give in a 'be a good wife'

GoitreGirl · 05/06/2016 21:51

Just, you seem like a really lovely, geniune person. I would be your friend in a heartbeat IRL. Think of this a new phase in your life. You will get the courage to LTB, but I think you will need time to get used to the idea.

I would actually keep things ticking along as they usually are, because men like him have a tendency to potentially escalate things quite terribly and quite quickly - so be wary of this. Is he prone to rages, or is it 'just' sulking?

BUT I would all along be plotting to leave, and do as others suggest, gather evidence on the sly, see a solicitor dealing with manipulative men etc.

None of this is your fault. It really isn't. Who earns 80k and then is too mean to pay for family holidays, and makes the earner on 12k pay?!

glassgarden · 05/06/2016 21:52

keeping you stressed and angry/upset also makes it harder to think clearly and look at the situation objectively

glassgarden · 05/06/2016 21:55

also I think it is unfair to criticise the op for doing the homemaking thing at the start of the relationship, I have done the same because I was young, naive, I saw the best in people and thought they would be kind and fair.

It took me years to see the power games that were going on

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 05/06/2016 21:56

If your an IFA, surely you can earn more than £12k if you went silk employed? What about restructuring your work?

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 05/06/2016 21:57

*self!

I hope you find the strength to leave. He's a waste of your life.

FurryLittleTwerp · 05/06/2016 22:00

I still can't get over the fact that he wrote "be a good wife, Justine" in your journal Sad Angry

The huffing & puffing is to try to make you "behave"

what on earth is "his usual Sunday lunch" anyway? - Sunday lunch is a pain in the arse & ought to never happen unless as a special treat with visitors staying. It fucks up the whole day!

Lweji · 05/06/2016 22:03

The danger with that approach, of stop doing things, is that he may up the abuse. The only advantage of that is that it may push you over the edge enough for you to leave.

GoitreGirl · 05/06/2016 22:06

I agree glassgarden, it is being unfair on the op. Who doesn't have their rose tinted spectacles on at the start of a new relationship?

pinkyredrose · 05/06/2016 22:06

He's a cunt.

travailtotravel · 05/06/2016 22:09

Can you find a better job and go full time as a first - the child care can be arranged via an Au Pair, childminder or otherwise so your kids can continue to do as they did. You can also start to develop your career in preparation for when you LTB. This is of course a joint cost so your DH will just have to suck it up, buttercup and pay.

Your reason for doing this is of course that he constantly seems to be complaining that he is the high earner so you've taken that on board and done something about it.

Lweji · 05/06/2016 22:10

Going through what happened at the beginning can be useful so that you don't fall for it again, with him or someone else.
It also explains that he didn't suddenly change. He was always like this, just less noticeable, really. He probably covered it up with other things that seemed romantic at the time.

AnotherUsernameBitesTheDust · 05/06/2016 22:13

I think you might be married to my friends OH. He is exactly the same - same job, same crappy golf habit. Same shitty financial abuse (he pays the mortgage and bills, she has to pay everything else for her and the kids out of her part time wages - when they were babies he gave her "pocket money")

Her kids are nearly adults now. They've seen how their father behaves. Their attitude to their mum is now the same - she's there to be their slave, her opinion isn't important, she's just the little woman. I really hope the teenage girls of today have more sense than to put up with that.

LTB now, before your children think that is the norm for a marriage.