Just found out dh had an affair

[faffalotty]

About 3 years ago apparently. I feel sick shaky and empty. Dont know what to do. We've been together 28 years
Handholding or sympathy welcome

I told him last night I wanted him to leave. This morning I feel like it really is all over. The man I was in love with doesn't exist. I have felt 'not good enough' ever since I found out about the 'friendship' with his young colleague years ago and he lost my trust then. I don't want to live with the gnawing pain of worrying about what he is doing/what he thinks of me/what he is hiding from me/worrying about losing him.

I'm seeing the counsellor later today (on my own). I hope that will help to organise my thoughts, although she did say to us both last week not to make any hasty decisions...

What do I do now?

BR - she threatened to buy the house next door..

Faff, I'd do nothing for a bit. Then get practical. I don't know what to say to help you but I'll always listen.

going what links did you send him?

See your therapist and just take every day as it comes.

It takes 2 to fix a marriage after such a trauma. I think he's afraid of what more you'll discover going forward with him.

In the meantime read this link.

beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

faffa, you take one day at a time, and you try to remember that you will not always feel as awful as you do today. You are doing awesome, because you are still keeping going. Focus on you, your children and your job, in that order. Everyone and everything else can fuck right off now. This is all about you now. I remember when I thought about it all literally almost every minute, and then I thought about it once an hour. It's a year later, and I still think about it every day, but boy do I feel better, lighter and more importantly I have found a certain peace. It is awful to contemplate ending a marriage, especially a long one, but as you've learned it is horrendous to live in a soul crushing marriage. I'm not sure there is anything worse, short of something happening to my children.

Well done for booking individual counselling. I was so painfully vulnerable when I walked into my therapist's office in June 2015. Probably one of the best things I've ever done.

Real Remorse? Or Genuine Imitation Naugehyde Remorse, faff.

Also this one:www.chumplady.com/2013/07/reconciliation-and-entitlement/

I sent that one too .

Hugs to you too, Goingto. You know, when I post things like that, I'm not at all saying that I don't wish you or anyone well in your reconciliation. I myself, after a year separated from my husband, am in couples counselling with him and discussing our marriage. (He, by the way, begged me to do the counselling for about six months, booked the counselling and has been in individual counselling for most of the year apart.)

But what I just want to keep yammering on about is the need to reconcile on your terms, in a healthy way. No one - not you, not your children (if you have any) and not even your husband - is served in the long run by papering over cracks and not addressing some of the not-very-nice character flaws that may have lead to the infidelity in the first place.

goingto - do you think he will read them?

dontknow - can I ask, is your counselling with a view to reconciliation?

faffa, we went into it with the understanding that I still had strong reservations, but was open to the possibility of a reconciliation. After a couple months, I have been shocked by how much I have been able to relax around him, remember things I liked about him, etc. And it really 100% has to do with the fact that he is a humbled, kinder person, who now freely admits that he had been selfish and non-empathetic (and that is putting it mildly) for a long time. He says things now that I could never have imagined him saying a year ago, and I mean that in a good way. A lot of this has to do, I think, with his individual counselling. His therapist (who I would like to hug if I ever met her), told him straight out that she didn't think his infidelity had much to do with me or the marriage (this was huge to me, as we just simply didn't have a loveless, sexless marriage, no matter what the prevailing narrative around infidelity usually is) and was all about him. Once he took that on board, his whole manner started to change and I think as I've written before, we had a conversation where I really felt like I could actually see the shift in his demeanour. He just got it. It was very powerful.

I don't want to suggest that this can happen for everyone. We were helped by the fact that I had seen a LOT of email evidence of the infidelity, so there really was very little wriggle room for him to withhold much from me. Also, he had (and the email correspondence confirmed this - before he knew I knew) decided that he wanted to stay in the marriage because he loved me still. But I will tell you that it was dire at the stage you are in for us. I had seen a solicitor; I thought the marriage was completely over and was preparing for it. And I am still not really there yet. But I am better and at peace with whatever the outcome will be. And that is a hugely better place.

He will read them.

I've read them and it just makes me feel pathetic for not kicking him out and filing for divorce. Feels like wife's that leave are better, stronger...

I went with instant feelings and cracked on immediately into mum mode. There are added complications and today I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown.

Oh, and he only told me because her husband had sent something to tell me and then only admitted to the rest when she was on her way here..

dontknow - that sounds very difficuly, to have been separated for a year and then considering reconciliation. Have you sold up and moved out? Do you have kids?

goingtobe - I find a lot of things sound familiar in those links too. I don't think my DH would read them. Each case is unique and there is no set way to handle it or a correct answer - just because someone does it differently doesn't make them better.

Be nice to yourself and take it easy and slowly.

I've had not space to actually think about what I want.

Awww, hugs Goingto. It is very sad to read your posts. Just in case it's coming off like I handled it all so brilliantly and strongly, you may want to peruse my original thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2360927-Yes-Im-another-one-Husband-doesnt-love-me-anymore. In it you will see that I was doing the master of all "pick me" dances for OVER A YEAR after my husband told me he was unhappy (two weeks before his EA turned into a PA) but before I knew what was actually going on. Yes, I threw him out the day I found out, but that was only because I had spent OVER A YEAR pretty much debasing myself in most ways possible. I really do get it. I actually want to go back in time, hug myself and then slap myself. You are in a terrible place and doing the best you can, and it is not your fault you are there, it is your husband's. Is individual counselling for you an option?

faffa, yes, two DCs for me (early years of secondary school). We were fortunate in that it was always understood that they and I would stay in the family home indefinitely. My husband rented a flat nearby, where he still lives, but is spending more time at the house. So the logistics of getting back together are not too daunting. Just the emotional aspects . . .

I'd it okay if I look at your thread please, dontknow?

I am awaiting counselling for something unrelated but I did say to DH last night about if we should get counselling. Fucking hate him for what he's done. He knew the shit my life had been and then this 😡

Of course, *goingto". I intended it to in order to help you not be so hard on yourself, and to see that I may seem strong now, but I most definitely wasn't for a long time. You'll see in the first part of the thread that I didn't know what was actually going on and then find out about the infidelity around the 4th page. Big hugs.

Thank you.

The 180 seems too much like playing games to me.

I've been to the counsellor today. Got emotional a few times. She asked me when I last felt like I was on solid ground. Other than fleetingly, I couldn't remember. Brought home to me how hard things have been for years.

She said she didn't recommend a firm decision on separation but a temporary one could be useful.

Need to thank you all again for sharing and supporting.

I couldn't do the 180 either. I think I showed that in my immediate reaction when he told me.

Was exhausted last night - anyone else found that after counselling? Had a very early night and the most sleep for weeks. Had happy dreams and those moments of everything being ok when I was waking.

Here we go then, another day. Good luck everyone.