Just found out dh had an affair

[faffalotty]

About 3 years ago apparently. I feel sick shaky and empty. Dont know what to do. We've been together 28 years
Handholding or sympathy welcome

Yes, BR she lives 1000's of miles away but was getting a job in the country, a hundred miles away but then when I sent her a text she threatened that and my kids as well as saying tonnes of vile and cruel stuff.

Faff, emotional stress definitely causes physical tiredness. I'm falling asleep on the sofa which I rarely did before though it could be menopausal related too.

DH and I were stuck but after a text, a tense phone call and more talking once he got in we've made a bit of progress. Can't say we're through the other side yet.

going - did he read the links you sent him?

He did. Didn't get chance to ask him what he thought but I have realised why I was stuck and told him what I needed to move on. we are very much two steps forward, one back, three forward, one back so for now he stays.

He wakes up every morning and his first thought is what he has done and he says he's living on a knife edge of me divorcing him. I've told him he'll push himself off the edge if he carries on being with me the way he has been at times.

How are you today, faff?

He read our wedding memories and guest books yesterday as well as looking at our wedding album. He cried. I put them on his pillow in response to something I had done and to explain why I'd felt as I had and how he'd got it so so wrong and how I wished he'd told me years ago.

After having had more sleep, I actually feel more fuzzy-headed today. Seem to have lost the adrenaline that was keeping me going.

Thinking over what the counsellor said and the questions she asked me, makes me feel like I've been walked all over for years.

It's a horrible realisation isn't it but before it takes over, think about if it is true?

DH is bringing things up for 10-12 years ago and I've told him I won't accept him saying he's felt unloved for a decade or more. No way Jose.

There are 3 main episodes of lying that I know of in the past 10 years - covering quite a bit of that time. I can't help but wonder if there are others. I have been excluded from so much of his life and blocked from his online activity.

It is healthy for you to know every detail?

There are questions I wish I hadn't asked and certainly answers I wish i hadn't got.

No, I don't want to know every detail - I was just saying how much I know that I have been deceived about and that there is probably more - hence I've really been messed about. Feel like a total mug.

I felt that too that I haven't divorced him. It's awful.

I'd forget there's anyone else in the world and just think honestly about what you want to happen from now on.

My very good mumsnet friend has said I'm still in denial as I still wish I hadn't happened, I honestly can't believe it, and that scares me a bit as I'll never believe the man I married would do this. I do know that it has been things that have happened have led us to this point and if XYZCBA hadn't happened, then he would never have cheated.

Not everyone is suited to the 180 - and certainly not all elements of it.

The fundamental purpose of it is to prepare for a life without your DH/DP. It's to make you detach emotionally and become independent, in order to help you heal.

It's especially useful if you're somewhat codependent too.

Many people think it's designed to win your partner back. It's not

It's pretty much saying I'm capable of living without you, I'm not a sobbing mess because of you and I'll do just fine and live a good life, having fun without you.

I've always thought myself as weak as I've had a lot of bad things happen in my life and they still affect me now. Turns out I'm actually stronger than I think though there's still that element of not wanting to be without DH but that's not the same as not being able to cope if he went. I'd have too. Like everyone else who ends up alone.

Thatnks BR

Going - things that have happened in the past affect all of us.That doesn't make you weak. You're still here through it all.

Slept without any tablets last night, although it was a bit disturbed, it was much better than it had been. I thought he was going away yesterday, but he hadn't. Says he is going today, but only for a few days. Not sure how we are going to do this longer term, due to finances etc. Thinking of getting our house valued and see if we should put it up for sale.

Although the counsellor says don't make any firm decisions, I can't live in limbo.

The counsellor isn't in charge of you. If you want to get on with practical stuff, DO.

Yeah, I know - sounds silly now I read what I said. It just seems that they are the one with the experience of these sorts of things. We're going back for counselling together next week and she said it would be a chance to work through the practicalities of what we do now. Her suggestion seemed to be have a break for a set length of time and don't make any decisions to split up or get back together during that time.

It's not as simple as it seems, living apart. Where do they go, how do they pay for it, what if they simply won't leave?

They don't have experience with YOU, only you know what is best for you, they can make suggestions to help. Counsellors are just people,who've read and studied and passed exams. They aren't all knowing Gods. I know ones I've seen have been useless as they've not bothered to get to know me.

Their issues where they go.
Their money if separate money, joint if not but NOT at the literal expense of you or the children.
If they won't go, then separate rooms and lives. No cooking,mashing, shopping etc.

When we're angry and arguing it is easy to say 'leave' - 'ok I will'. In the cold light of day where you are 2 people who do still care about each other, it's not so easy.

Ah well, just take one day at a time.

Hope everyone is doing ok today.

Could I just chip in and say that one thing I found is that when you've been betrayed, it's very easy to go from living around someone else's life to taking instruction from a qualified counsellor, or at least leaning in to that. The long term goal of therapy should really be to strengthen and support someone or a couple until they feel enough of an agent in their own life to realise they have choices and can make them and see them through successfully.

Often with someone prone to infidelity, the partner has spent years living around them, compartmentalised, learning to accept the status quo and 'how things are'. I know mumsnet can do that too, tell people what they should be doing. And therapy can do that too.

Don't forget the healthiest outcome that everyone wants is for you to realise you are strong and powerful and YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT. He has, for years. There doesn't need to be an agreed upon separation, a process, a clever, calm negotiation. You are free to do what you want with your one life and no it's not easy, with kids and money and housing but it is all achievable. Many many women here know this.

You can live how you want to live now. www.bing.com/videos/search?q=the+laughing+heart+tom+waites&view=detail&mid=9F640ADE8D17BFD3CB799F640ADE8D17BFD3CB79&FORM=VIRE

I was responding to your post, not telling you you should split.

My moment has passed for telling DH to leave, and mil has made it clear he can't go there for stupid reasons, but if I feel I need space I'm damn well having it somehow.

blood - as always thanks for your calm voice

going - yes I know you were, sorry if it didn't read like that. I don't think there should be a point of no return. Is there anyway you can get away for some time on your own, it sounds like you really need it? I was looking at YHA and airbnb for the cheapest places to stay when I was going to go for a few days.

I'm not sure what I want. I've barely had more than a couple of hours alone since he told me as my year six child has had to be removed from school so is always here.

can your DH look after your son at the weekend while you go away?

Right now I don't want to go away but I'll make it happen if and when I do.