Just found out dh had an affair

[faffalotty]

About 3 years ago apparently. I feel sick shaky and empty. Dont know what to do. We've been together 28 years
Handholding or sympathy welcome

oh Barbara what has happened to make you decide to tell him to leave?

goingtobe I don't think you can know for definite, can you. I suppose going through a counsellor helps to work through it. I know I am still new to all this, but I keep swaying from thinking it will all work out, to then thinking that I will never be able to trust anyone ever again. I'm now looking at every man, on telly or in real life and seeing them all as liars and cheaters.

Barbara Maybe you just need more time - please don't say you're not worth it.

BR - you are worth it. Question is mode for you to ask if he is.

My situation is different in that I responded and made my decision on his immediate actions as he told me and now I'm finding it impossible to go back and maybe react as I should. It's only been just under three months. We've had some lovely times since but we really awful and this week one night was the worst we've had in 20 years. I need space to think which I don't get, I don't know what I want as its not just me that will be affected and I'm feeling trapped.

We're in a repetitive circle of upset, mild anger, heart break, happy-ish moments, fear, devastation, hurt, crap.

Goingtobeawesome if you need more space at times your H should be giving you it!

I think it is all over :-(

We've had a big argument this evening. He says he is feeling threatened by me and thinks I am going to physically attack him (I did flail at him when he first told me he slept with her and he thinks I'll do it again, or worse) he also thinks I am being aggressive in my questioning. And he still hasn't let me see his Facebook profile. I get no sense of love from him now.
I had asked him to read that guide to helping your spouse but I think he only looked at the first few pages.

He also said I deliberately didn't tell the counsellor about me getting drunk when I found out. I told him that he can tell her if he wants and that I'm not ashamed of it. He said I should be.

If he is not doing everything in his power to reassure you and make you feel loved and cherished then he is not over his affair.

Well it's all about him in his world isn't it! No honesty, responsibility or empathy. As for trying to make out you're an aggressive drunkard - that sounds like lines he's preparing for his lawyer.

This guy will likely be a total shit about divorce stuff: please get a good lawyer.

You can't "make it work" with someone like him: "can't cope", won't disclose what's happened with the OW(s) and gets angry and nasty if you persist in asking Ws, shows no interest in helping you. Flogging a dead horse. V sorry.

My drunkenness was going off for a walk after he'd told me he'd had an affair. Deciding I wanted to get drunk. Buying a small bottle of vodka and drinking it. My phone battery died but I got on Internet when I could and let him and my son know I was OK. I didn't cause a scene or act aggressively or anything. I was just distraught and wanted to escape the pain.

When I lashed out at him it was random flailing. I had no intention of seriously hurting him.

He's not remorseful at all and instead of answering your questions he is deflecting by trying to put it on your reaction to his infidelity.

That's coz he hasn't got the guts to face up to the hell he's created and doesn't want to or hasn't got what it takes to reconcile from infidelity.

It's hard work reconciling and the wayward knowing it was their fault has a lot to do and much guilt and shame.

Seems he thinks the best form of defence is attack.

I would assume there is more to it but going digging looking for it is not going to make you feel better. He knows he has been unfaithful and lied. That's enough, you don't need to know the degree.

Make your plans and tell him what you are doing now.

I agree with Barbara, there is more to this. He isn't behaving like someone who wants to reconcile and I'd wonder if there is something still going on. I've been there, the way your DH is behaving is mirroring what mine did.

I'm sorry that things have come to this, faff but he's shown that not only is he a cheating man he's a pathetic, bullying controlling one. He doesn't feel threatened by you. Unless your a 16 stone weight lifter and he's a six stone idiot there's no way you could do him physical harm. Getting drunk after you've found out your husband has cheated is pretty understandable in my book and I doubt the counsellor would bat an eye lid.

I e told DH many times I feel like punching him in the face. He said do it then but I wouldn't. I did smack him on the arm though. I wasn't able to hit him as was sat in the car, and didn't feel the urge, nor get drunk as my eldest was ill and then I was too within two hours of him telling me.

You don't need me to tell you by refusing to let you see his Facebook is proof he doesn't want to fully reassure you, not necessarily that there is anything incriminating there.

Get yourself to a solicitor today. Doesn't mean you're divorcing him but it will focus your mind and his. By the time he realises he can't manage without him you'll know you can without him.

Dozer- I could get space away from DH. The problem is I feel I've fallen into hysterical bonding shit. I want him here all the time. Feel crap when he goes to work and am struggling with feelings for him and other stuff.

Oh, faffa, I'm sorry. What an absolute twunt. He is showing you who he is. Listen to him. It would almost be amusing what a sorry, selfish, cliche of a man he is if it weren't so devastating. He will be nasty. You may find out a lot more. Be prepared, but please also take other's advice that this is not in any way about him now. You do what you need. And please again consider showing is not-at-all sorry ass the door. Not out of spite or to punish (though that will be nice), but for you and what you surely need now. I think you esteem levels will improve immensely once you've done that. The order of the day now, especially as it looks like he will use anything to the contrary against you, is cool ice queen. Hard, but so satisfying when you pull it off. Poor you. Big hugs.

BR - not so much sex but feeling really needy. He wasn't choosing between us. He never wanted her. Too complicated to say why he did what he did - and I understand it - but it doesn't stop me wishing he hadn't and feeling so disappointed in him. She's in a different country, involving her husband and friends. Making threats. It's all shit.

Also, please take a look at www.chumplady.com/, if you haven't already. At the bottom of the pages awesome really great articles. You might find the "Real Remorse? Or Genuine Imitation Naugehyde Remorse" a good one for today.

Bugger. I've sent both links to DH. Why do I feel like a shit?