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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just found out dh had an affair

486 replies

faffalotty · 02/06/2016 11:09

About 3 years ago apparently. I feel sick shaky and empty. Dont know what to do. We've been together 28 years
Handholding or sympathy welcome

OP posts:
faffalotty · 09/06/2016 14:18

After coping ok with work, I had a panic attack and had to take refuge in the toilets.
I don't know if I should tell my manager (male, only see him about once a week - he's not office -based) that I'm having some personal issues, to explain any odd behaviour. What do you think?

OP posts:
BarbaraRoberts · 09/06/2016 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

faffalotty · 09/06/2016 14:30

I speak to him on the phone most days too. I just feel I should explain why I'm distracted and my work not up to normal.
Couldn't do it face to face, would do an email or text.

I hate to admit to personal stuff interferring with work though

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faffalotty · 09/06/2016 14:31

Fortunately I'm not part of any other team in the office, so I've just disappeared for the best part of an hour and no one's noticed anything odd

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IrianOfW · 09/06/2016 15:51

He's my advice FWIW. DH had an affair nearly 4 years ago. I found out about it just after she 'ended' it because he couldn't 'give her enough' (ie he had said he wouldn't leave me). It hurt a lot. It turned my life upside down.

  1. Tell him that this isn't going to go away - unless he faces up to it your marriage is done. His self-pity angle is not going to wash. He did this, he gets to clean it up! It isn't your mess - don't take responsibility for it.
  1. Please please please try not to feel sorry for him! I struggled with that. DH is not a great communicator so it was agony for him to hear me cry, to talk to me about his feelings, to cope with all the horrible things I shouted at him. But tough titties - his fault, his consequences. Look after YOU.
  1. I wouldn't bother with MC yet. Get some IC and suggest that your H gets some too. MC right now might well end up with a lot of shouting and tears and TBH it's too damned expensive to use in that way. Wait until you think you have some space and energy to be a bit more rational and calm. We found it helpful but not until 6 months down the line.
  1. Find something that is yours and get out of the house and do it! Be selfish. If you are like me you have spent your life avoiding being selfish and doing things for you. Beleive you me, no-one gives you a fucking medal for it. I confess to still being a bit of a domestic martyr - can't help it - I'm the only one who cares about living in squalor Hmm But I do a lot of running now, have done some road races, am planning a half marathon in November, and I've joined a club and nothing gets in the way of that. It's understood that barring tsunamis, a death in the family or the misery of AS levels Hmm Mum goes running when she wants to.

I am at a point now where if DH ever does anything like this again I will be quite OK to say 'bye bye now'. I don't think he will but I can cope if it happens. I am the one who makes me happy. It is his choice whether he remains part of my life or not.

faffalotty · 09/06/2016 16:26

Thanks Irian that's some good, reasoned advice.

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faffalotty · 09/06/2016 16:51

He isn't facing up to it. He's saying he can't cope and keeps going out to escape (he's not working at the moment).
I've got the feeling today that it's not going to work out. If it was just the affair as a one off years ago then I think we could move on. But it's the other lies too and a continuing feeling that there's more that I don't know. I don't know who he is any more.

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dontknowwhatcomesnext · 09/06/2016 18:40

Sorry you're having a bad day, faffa. Big hugs. I know it may not be helpful to hear now, but in some ways I think it is a positive thing that you are feeling today that it's not going to work out. Not because I want you to feel awful, far from it. But the fact is, it shouldn't work out, if he stays the way he is. It is only if he can address the issues with you, focus on you and your healing, that you should stay together, 28 years or not. And it is the paradox of these things, that when you are actually willing to step away because, for you, it is unacceptable, that the penny may drop, and he may realise it's not all about him.

Also, I'm sorry to say, if you feel that there's more that you don't know, there probably is. That doesn't mean there were many full blown affairs, but as others have said, at a minimum your husband's previous behaviour (confiding in the female friend - vastly inappropriate; a younger colleague who was "in love" with him - yeah, right, the fact that was expressed to him in any way is a violation of about 100 boundaries, even if you take that at face value) is highly, highly questionable and hugely disrespectful. That is behaviour that is basically going to take a metaphorical knock upside the head to change.

All this doesn't mean it won't be fixable. But I second the advice above to get yourself into therapy and figure out what you want and need. Your husband hopefully can give that to you, but once you are in a place that you are firm and accepting of what you need, only then will you have a chance at a healthy marriage going forward. Please keep repeating to yourself that your marriage is not on his terms, especially now. This is your life, not some practice run. He can either make you happy or not, but that's on him, not you. You decide from there.

Dozer · 09/06/2016 19:11

HE can't cope?!

Pathetic.

You should seek "full disclosure": there will be more.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/06/2016 19:29

Can you leave it there, or do you need to see it through? Either way is fine, but it's worth considering.

A lot of people cannot cope with affairs. They are generally highly destructive, emotional, unpredictable... it's no surprise people find them difficult. But he doesn't get to have the affair, lie about it for a while and THEN decide that he can't cope with it. He had his choice four years ago before he started the affair. He could have NOT slept with her, and then he wouldn't be dealing with an affair. You didn't get that choice. Now it's his turn to roll with the punches.

If you can walk away now (metaphorically), you might save yourself lots of hassle. He sounds weak-willed and very unwilling to deal with this. It doesn't sound like you'll get love or support or affection to get you through this.

If you need to see it through, try and be kind to yourself. Don't set targets that won't be achievable without his input. Try not to rely on him for anything. He has made it clear that he won't fight for this so you need to adopt that same mentality or you'll kill yourself trying to save him.

There is always the chance that he'll come to his senses and surprise you but at the moment, you can't handle that level of risk, the emotional uncertainty. For now, bank on him remaining as he is - and if he surprises you, that'll be a positive. If he continues to let you down, at least it won't be a surprise.

BarbaraRoberts · 09/06/2016 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BloodontheTracks · 09/06/2016 21:06

I'm sorry, faffa.
He's running out to deal with and speak to the woman he's been having an affair with. He doesn't know what he wants right now. There's no reason 'not to be coping' unless this is ongoing and he's under a huge amount of pressure about his 'choice' and what she's going to do /say. Don't do the pick me dance. It will just elongate things. Tell him there's bloody obviously loads more going on here and he just needs to admit it all because this is embarrassing, pathetic and ridiculous for him.

Please consider chucking him out and trying to move on with your own life. Even if you just consider it. At least you can feel active rather than passively awaiting his verdict.

faffalotty · 10/06/2016 13:13

Thanks again for your comments. Lots to read and re-read and ponder.

My sleeping and eating has improved a bit the last couple of days (basically I am actually getting some food and sleep) so I am feeling physically a bit stronger and more human. That's a positive at least. Still retch for a bit when I get up.

No panic attacks so far today, but I have had that horrible feeling which I can only describe as my blood running cold, and losing contact a bit with the rest of the world. Someone was talking to me earlier and I realised I'd not heard what they said at all. I really should keep the diazepam with me in case I need them.

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Goingtobeawesome · 10/06/2016 15:28

sorry to randomly brain dump but for some weird reason I feel safe here. I was so angry with the other woman who threatened my children and me I forgot to be mad at DH for ages.

Sleeping better. Helps when you're not up all night rowing.

faffalotty · 10/06/2016 15:44

We've not really rowed. Although I have gone from shaky and feeling humiliated earlier to now feeling angry. I was really only angry briefly when he first told me.
I feel like screaming at him now and going to this friend that he has been lying about and telling her she's a cunt. Haven't decided what I want to do to the OW yet

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Goingtobeawesome · 10/06/2016 16:12

I told the OW h didn't want her and to stop contacting him and she made threats. I feel sorry for her. She's got it bad attempted and threatened suicide but she was married and shouldn't have used my h as her way out.

faffalotty · 10/06/2016 18:27

That's very generous of you to feel sorry for her. Brain dumping can help - writing down your thoughts is meant to be useful, so posting online is just another way to do that. Plus, I think, it stops you feeling you're on your own.

In case anyone was concerned about my previous post, I'm not going to do any actual name calling/shouting/revenge in reality, but doing it in my head acts as a bit of a release!

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Goingtobeawesome · 10/06/2016 18:56

I feel sorry for her as she must be struggling and feeling pretty crap that she had to threaten suicide, then imply she'd tried, and then did. Lovely emails from her mates complaining he'd not checked on her and one from her husband to mine Saying doctors not sure she'd pull trough. to get my DH to talk to her but then threatening my kids was too much and he doesn't even want to be friends. I said he could. No way was I going to be accused of controlling him. He needed to make his own choices.

Dozer · 10/06/2016 20:28

You said your H could be "friends" with his married ex OW who'd attempted suicide? Confused

Goingtobeawesome · 10/06/2016 20:32

I didn't know then she had and she lives a long way away. I just felt I had no right to dictate to him and figured if I demanded what he didn't want to give, it wouldn't be great.

1MumontheRun · 10/06/2016 22:24

Have been with my partner same amount of time, since teenagers, 2 children, everyone thinks amazingly strong marriage. Found texts on holiday last year from colleague - been repeatedly told only a friend but still not entirely sure. Even if is true nature of texts far too flirty and caring to be within any acceptable boundaries. Felt exactly as you do now, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, felt anxious all the time - why me? Why you? Why us? Didn't believe those who said would get easier BUT IT DOES. I asked him to leave as searched phone/IPad and contact had continued. Needed to keep my self respect. 8 months on from discovery, 2 months from him moving out. More and more days I feel empowered and able to rule the world. Still have days when I wobble and want everything to be back as it was. Think he finds me more attractive now but not sure he wants to work hard enough to get me back or whether I should allow that to happen for my sake. Often feel if I have to fight this hard for us to have a second chance why am I bothering? He wronged me, he should fight for me. The dribble truth is a great phase I am still finding things out/ getting answers to things. Don't rush yourself, one day at a time, women are strong, get some physical space, learn to love yourself and be kind to yourself, try new things, even if they scare you - you are braver and more capable than you ever thought you were. Rely on good friends to keep you going, mine were awesome and will never know how much they mean to me for getting me through the bad times. I feel your pain but can tell you you will survive and if you give him another chance, make him work for the opportunity and don't compromise too much, you deserve to be respected and cherished and if he can't/ won't do that be brave enough to walk and do things for yourself until you find someone else to share your life. You will discover a whole new you, it's like coming out into the light after being a couple for so long. My mantra at each little step was 'I can and I will' . Stay strong.

faffalotty · 11/06/2016 06:13

Had a few seconds this morning when I woke up where I'd completely forgotten. Then it all came back again. Crap

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faffalotty · 11/06/2016 07:34

goingtobe your situation sounds very difficult, far worse than the 'usual' aftermath. Hope she's not still threatening and causing problems

mumontherun thanks for sharing your experience, and wishing you the best for the future. Your comments remind me a bit of the quote 'you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think' I had read that about a month ago to try and help me through my anxiety, but in the past week I have thought 'fuck off AA Milne, I'm really not'
But I hope that I am.

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BarbaraRoberts · 11/06/2016 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goingtobeawesome · 11/06/2016 14:21

I hope everyone feels okay today 💐

How do you know if it's worth sticking at it through difficult times?

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