Just found out dh had an affair

[faffalotty]

About 3 years ago apparently. I feel sick shaky and empty. Dont know what to do. We've been together 28 years
Handholding or sympathy welcome

I do know what triggered it and I've realised it's the thing I cry about most in the world even though I've been through worse. I'm not sure what I'm crying about relating to it but it's safe in that it's a hurt that I've been through a lot and I know where I am and I know it will hurt but then I'll be okay until the next time. if I cried about stuff I should I'd never stop so I can't but I know it's not healthy.

Just waiting in for a neighbour's delivery then taking ds to the park and then to the shop for a few bits.

DH looked up that I had six months to divorce him on the grounds of divorce .

Don't want to pry, just to try and understand - do you mean the crying was related to a separate issue?

I hope that getting out and about helps you. My DH had looked up divorce too, I imagine it's a common concern in these situations.

We're now looking to get our house valued. It all seems a bit surreal.

Suggest you look up info online - there's a thread on MN about preparing for free solicitor consultations to get the best out of them. Most people get divorced on grounds of unreasonable behaviour even in cases of adultery.

It just doesn't sound like your H is willing or able to do right by you to make amends, so seems sensible to at least investigate these things so YOU can make informed decisions.

thanks I will have a look

Interesting that people don't tend to divorce on grounds of adultery - why's that?

It's a separate issue but kind of connected as it's something I've lived with for a long time and I've been with DH for nearly as long.

Held it together to go out with ds. He has been so good today I said yes when he asked if we could have lunch out and he tucked into lasagne, garlic bread a few chips and a gingerbread man . I managed four chips .

I'm so tired but apart from hanging wash load number 4 or 5 out and sorting out DDs tea, I'm doing very little. The boys are making their own pizzas and M&S has made my dinner as DH rang to ask if I'd like it. Did tell him I was planning on cooking X and he could choose. The boy chose right.
he also said we need a dog

I wonder if hard to prove in some cases or no longer wanting the OW or OM named. Dhs is being divorced by her h. She saw my DH has her meal ticket and way out I think.

Hi I'm not totally clear on how they apply the six month rule.

My XH tried to start proceedings about 8 months after he left. He tried for unreasonable behaviour. I objected and suggested adultery which he agreed to he committed adultery about 7 months before leaving. It wasn't an issue. As I understand it naming the OW is done less often and is not very usual. Judges also tend to be keen to stay out of 'fault' and so I guess naming the OW can be seen as a bit inflammatory. For me naming the OW wasn't important but given her wealth I was keen to show the extent of that during the proceedings as essentially XH declared himself penniless whilst in reality being housed and employed by her,

To add. I'm really sorry that you are all going through this. I'm 7 years out the other end of this and can vouch for the fact that it does get better. Now very happy without XH despite the upset.

Thanks for sharing your experience and glad to hear that things are better for you now.

I did also notice that the guidelines state that if you file for divorce on grounds of adultery that you have to name the dates and places it took place. I don't have these details.

I'm so sorry faff. I can feel your pain through your posts.

I told DH I thought we should get divorced this morning. Wasn't a great start to the day given I dreamt he told me he wanted one and wouldn't discuss it. He was mean too. He said he doesn't want a divorce.

I know when, where, how .

going sorry to hear you've had a bad start to the day. You do sound in your posts that you are exhausted, overwhelmed and confused about what you want.
If you could get a good rest and some time alone do you think you would be able to look at this in a fresh light?

I had a really big, long sobbing session yesterday evening - did at least help me sleep. DH and I still need to have a talk to make plans, we're just being polite to each other at the moment. I really don't want to have any arguments but I think they will come.

I am all those things. Only days before DH told me we had had to remove one of our children from school so they have been at home full time since so no time alone to cry never mind think.

We've been through the being polite too and I hated it.

I think you really need to prioritise yourself right now. Get whatever help you need, from the gp or wherever and get some time to yourself. Can't your DH take a day off and you go off on your own - even if you just go and sit in a cafe or on a park bench.

I've contacted a couple of solicitors and fees for initial meeting range from £90 to £200! Looking on website I can't see any that offer a free half hour.

DH taking a day off is a sore point. He took two off to be with her and only had one left and now has none .

what about at the weekend?

I'm currently in this ridiculous stupid phase where I want to be with him when I can as he's out at work a lot of time and if I went out I'd miss him which is stupid when I'm trying to think .

I saw the old friend mentioned before recently and have deleted all contact details as even though I wouldn't sleep with him, and didn't when we met when I could have done as he would have DH doesn't like it and there's no point trying to get what he had back when I know someone being in my life is hurting him .

I don't remember ever being asked for adultery dates and was definitely never asked for locations. That said XH was ok with accepting adultery as grounds and therefore to some extent when both parties are in agreement the paperwork becomes easier and not contentious.

Whilst CAB is not always helpful or easily accessible IME, it does offer monthly free slots with a local solicitor. Might be worth checking out. I found brief chats with a few solicitors useful. Helped me understand more about the process and likely outcome. That said I was horrified by the view of the first solicitor I saw. Luckily I found another who had a more positive outlook.

goingtobe that first love/ex of yours is very clearly "not just friends" and it sounds like you were having or close to an emotional affair and should not be in contact with him while you remain in a relationship with your H.

Yes, we were having an ea but it was a while before I realised it and I stopped when I told DH and he said he didn't like it. I only talked to him again when DH told me he'd had an affair and ex rang me. He advised me to go home and talk to DH etc. Ex and I don't have any contact now and I've deleted his number.

Had a very disturbed night's sleep last night and woke up with a feeling of impending doom. Realised that I feel totally alone. The person that I would go to for comfort or to share my worries with, is no longer on my side.
Living in the same house is very uncomfortable and I don't know how long we will have to carry on like this for.

Sorry you are going through this faffa.

To clarify regarding the six month rule for adultery, this time limit only applies if you continue living together as man and wife after which you would be seen to have "condoned" the behaviour. However if you don't live as man and wife i.e. you stop intimacy, doing his laundry or cooking or whatever it is you do as part of a couple then legally you can be separated even if living under the same roof.

The same time limits apply to divorcing due to Unreasonable Behaviour. This is preferable because unlike adultery you don't need to prove it/the other party doesn't have to admit it fot the court to accept the divorce petition. Either way the reason will not be public knowledge or affect the outcome of any financial settlement so best to go with what's easier for you.

Of course it's early days and you might not want to divorce, just letting you know some options. Stay strong, I totally get what you mean about the feeling of being alone but you will get through this

What makes it harder is that I don't hate him (although logically I feel that I should) and I still feel attracted to him.

My brain is so confused - it's not making the connection between 'the person that has treated me like shit' and 'the person I want a hug from', as the one and the same.

and thanks for the clarification on the divorce issue.

I think the sensible thing for the time being is just to look at separation.

On the positive side I have found out that through work I get access to a free advice line (for legal and other matters) so I will give them a call and see what help they can give. We haven't discussed anything regarding the children or financial issues. I am assuming that the children will live with me (I have been the primary carer) but they can see him whenever they like. And that we will split the finances 50/50. bit I have no idea if he will see things the same way.

I feel the same faffa. The person who's hurt me the most is the one I want giving me a cuddle. Between him cheating and telling me we had had sex because of course I didn't know he'd done anything. I'd ignored a couple of niggles .

I have become more needy than before but also don't know if I can trust him not to hurt me again. I never thought he'd have one affair so how can I be sure he won't have another.

Just sent him a text saying he's off the hook as I can't divorce him for adultery. He replied he doesn't take me for granted and he's sorry for what he has done and the pain and hurt he has given me.

Just back from hospital appointment. That didn't go well so I feel no guilt that I've bought three bars of chocolate and intend to eat at least one before tea time. Up yours world.