Just found out dh had an affair

[faffalotty]

About 3 years ago apparently. I feel sick shaky and empty. Dont know what to do. We've been together 28 years
Handholding or sympathy welcome

He said he's not blaming me, he chose to do it but he wouldn't have if...

We have had a few years of hell which has cost us six figures financially as well as hugely emotionally and that was part of it too. But when he did it we were through it but I had talked to ex between legal stuff being resolved and h cheating and it was clear ex would like to get me into bed when DH couldn't. see, is my fault.

Sounds perfect, BR. What did you have to do re the registrar?

It's still not your fault!

Regardless of the situation, he chose to have the affair. He has free will and needs to take responsibility.

You may need to look at the issues around the ex (I'm not sure what the full story is) but the biggest problem in my opinion is why he dealt with it in the way he did.

Ex and I were trying to make a friendship as we've always been very fond of each other. DH didn't like it as he knew there was more to it in our heads. I'd never cheat. Ex would have if I would so I made it not be able to happen every time he suggested meeting. Turned out the night we could have met DH was with her. I won't be talking to ex again. So I lost someone important who has been brilliant helping me through traumatic legal stuff, helped me see I could stay after affair revelation, get to feel crap that DH has felt I loved ex and would leave for him our whole relationship and live with the pain of dhs affair. DH gets to have an affair, keep life as it was and make me feel bad.

BR - I do want to save my marriage and would have stopped talking to ex anyway. I already had. I only did again the week he slept with her though didn't know it then, as I felt something wasn't right and then we've carried on because I've been devastated by dhs actions. I had stuff I needed to work through with ex and was pretty much there anyway. Just feel DH has a cheek. He bollocked me for talking to him and then two months later slept with her.

For a while I wished I could sleep with my ex for many reasons. Most of which I couldn't share and when I was feeling crap I thought through doing it and then coming home to DH. I knew I couldn't do it and that was that still fancy him like mad though. DH just did not think about any of it. He wouldn't have expected her to tell her husband, for him to track me down and for him to send me a letter helpfully telling me.

This morning I'm in a good place after a tricky week. Had a talk with DH where the words were hard, I was 99% secure that he wouldn't kick off but a bit worried I'd make him cross (not affair related) and just felt safe with him and a bit loved. Long time coming. DH has his instructions for today.

How's everyone else doing?

Thank you for the registrar info. I'm going to google.

Not yet. Should see him today.

Spoke yesterday and realised we weren't thinking the same about the situation. He thought my asking him to leave was more heat of the moment and that we'll get back to normal after a few days. I said I really don't think it is ever going to work for either of us. But I don't want us to argue or start throwing around accusations or hating each other. I do still love him but too much damage has been done and I can't go on in a relationship with no trust. I've already tried it for years and it's not nice. There are happy and loving times but also a lot of fear, anxiety, low self-esteem.

It is much easier to Think about this when he's not here. Speaking to him is harder as I then get more conflicting thoughts. I'm feeling quite scared.

Faff - your emotions will ebb and flo, come and go, be up and down, be polarised, detached and/or intense....for a long time to come (many months / a year or more?) before you settle on a final state. Many people on here have separated to get the space they need to cope with these emotions and work through them until they start feeling consistent. You are in such early, early days. I would concentrate on your gut feelings, moment by moment, releasing and expressing those feelings (with him, on here, in RL). Prioritise support for you not necessarily the relationship at this point - it is you that has been, wounded, devastated, hurt, damaged, and your trust
shattered. One to one counselling will help. Do what you need to do logically (get your ducks in a row) - but dont over think everything and feel you need an immediate plan of action and that you know where you are going right now - because the final outcome will be determined by how you feel in the long term and
how he behaves (as per the "How to heal your spouse..." book and the entitled/chumplady link). Protecting yourself emotionally is key and recogising that this with hurt, confuse you for a long time - but you will come out the otherside. Have you spoken with your children or thought what and when you might share with them?

no we haven't spoken to them - but they have obviously heard us talking/arguing. I did ask DS14 if he heard us and if he was upset (he seemed down and subdued), he said 'a bit' then changed the subject.

Faff - I would recommend that you say something to your children as being open (to a degree) will be better for them....they need reassurance that they remain your priority and that you will be open and honest with them.

The only pulling apart has been to go over why he's done it and why I needed and wanted my ex in my phone and life. I wonder whether all the ex stuff has just become self fulfilling and me being a prat than actual fact and truth. Having had no family he was much more important and symbolic than a regular first love might have been and we were together a long time then had a fling for a few years later, then about 13 years late back in touch then again a few years later. Just keep coming back to each other. Plus we were often off then back together and I just assumed that would happen again..

DH just didn't think..

I think I am scared that I'll back down and we'll stay as we are. I hate confrontation. I'm not hysterical any more - I don't want him thinking that I'm over it. I've just tried to shut it away for now so that I can just survive and get through the days.

Forget everything and everyone else and ask yourself what do you really want?

I just want to feel happy and safe.

Got an appt for both of us with the counsellor today. Not sure if DH wants to go.

No, I'm going alone to counselling...

Went this evening. It was very useful and insightful. Sobbed all the way home. Now feel unnaturally calm.

Not sure when dh and I are going to talk through our plans. Couldn't handle it this evening. We are being friendly.

Faff , feeling happy and safe is a minimum and I really hope you do soon. There was a moment a few days ago where I did feel that with DH as I had somethings to talk to him about and I knew it could go wrong but I tried to make a joke too and I was fine. I looked at him and he looked like when we met and I just knew I was where I was supposed to be.

BR, no need to apologise. It's good to talk. Though not at 3am . I'm shattered but can't sleep. Feel very tearful and want to cry but DH is asleep and I've already woken him once. I'm glad he's here but I'm so sad.

goingtobe sorry to read you were feeling so sad. Hope you managed to get back to sleep. I find that being awake in bed can be a very lonely and scary place. I seemed to wake about every half hour last night but fortunately wasn't awake for too long. Can't believe I ever used to get 8 hours sleep - I think it's probably around 5 now.

Have you had legal advic yet faffa?

My guess is that your H will try to brush things under the carpet and act "normal": he won't leave and will guilt trip you if you ask him to. So to move things on you'll probably need the legal route, and to tell the DC more in due course. Of course they've heard stuff and are worried.

I didn't get back to sleep and now I've got all day with lovely ds11 years old when I'm not up to it. Told him I was going for s shower but I've got back into bed and crying again.

I broke my heart this morning and banged the bed in frustration when crying to DH. He cried too. I never cry about me except for one thing and I wonder if there more to it. Normally I don't cry much as I don't think I'd stop.

I'm not doing well at all today and I'm sorry to say that here but this is a safe place I hope.

dozer no, I haven't had any legal advice. Wouldn't really know where to start or what to ask. The only thing I have done is to look up the legalities of divorce and see that to divorce on the grounds of adultery you have to do so within 6 months of finding out.

goingtobe sorry to hear you've had such a bad start to your day. Do you know what triggered it? Can you at least get out of the house today, I find that helps me. Getting a bit of breathing space and away from the usual environment