Yes, exactly, I said it was too late to 'take back' the affair or get things back on track or mend things etc etc. Like Jones said, it's about a new relationship now. getting loads of stuff out of the box, seeing what excuses and permissions were given for the affair, whether that's in character or out of character, seeing in what other ways the cheater has been entitled, or secretive, or fearful of intimacy or deceptive and owning them. Most cheaters don't like what they've done, they WANT to change. But without looking at it, truthfully, it's too hard and they're too afraid of judgement (rightly!) Jones' threads are really enlightening because they show a man who really knew he wanted things to work out, trying his best to win his marriage back, and that's what's required. Because the wound can be so deep. Having said that, lots of people have affairs, it's how they're handled in the aftermath that really changes the chances of happiness in the future. Note I say happiness, not marriage success, because an important thing is opening the mind to what the happiest outcome will be , in order to truly choose the future you want, not fearfully stick to it.
Of course you can tell who you like, or not, there's no rules. Advice here is not so much telling you what to do as trying to gently let you look at the relationship, the partner, natural instincts at this point and the whole situation as something you can actually take charge of and change and see differently if you want. To empower you to stay in a marriage you really desire, if that's what you want to do. Rather than remain in something broken out of fear. (It's all getting a bit Europe!)
An affair swipes the legs out from under you, and it's utterly understandable it's too much to think of anything.
But maybe have a think, Is there anything he could do or have done that would mean you'd leave him, Going? If so, what would it be? If not, do you know and understand why?
Were you always a private person, faff, or has that come with your marriage? And what does being private mean? That you find it difficult to confide in people? That you dislike that sort of introspection? That you feel it would be a burden to others to share? Or that you have few people around you feel comfortable you can be vulnerable with?
I understand if you're not interested in answering questions right now. I'm just encouraging using this as an opportunity for looking at lives / relationships and selves right now to see the affair in a greater context you might want to examine. Whatever you do about the marriages. That way this could be an empowering life event rather than a terrible repressed brunt hit of emotion you never fully recover from.
The big question for the cheater is what did they say to themselves to give themselves permission to cheat. And the other thing is to get to a point where they are telling the truth, broadly, about what has happened. It doesn't need to be details, but it needs to not be total minimised bullshit designed to continue the privacy and fear and confusion while they try and hold onto power in the relationship.