So much of what people write rings a bell - great loud church bells actually!
The disassociation is something that I've been working really hard on. I think. I switch between total memory blocks and other disassociation stuff and rather unpleasant flash backs from PTSD. It's, well it's ducking hard and I'm glad, quite selfishly glad really when you think about it that other people do this too. Although imagine that, a whole ship filled with people that can effectively blank out any memories a sap. Let's hope we don't all so it simultaneously or this craft may become a rapid swim and a balmy sandy island with coconuts!
I thought I was going mad when I worked out what was happening. But thank goodness it appears to be a protection strategy to endure awful times without harm, or at least, total devastating harm. Kind of the brains air bag when a crisis cannot be averted. But then, changing circumstances make this safety measure redundant, or actually unhelpful, but our brains don't actually know a different way to be so carry on doing what they've always done.
So, learning new strategies and hard wiring them into the brain is what needs to happen for me at least.
I'm still scrapping the surface though since this time that I've realized and I've been going at it for a year... This time.
My damn brain is so sneaky it took a long time to realize in a spooky 6th sense haunted house type of moment.. ive done this before. Had no sodding idea. I'd been through Counselling a few times through my 20s as I found the disassociation and memory blanks terrifying. Each time I'd had a unskilled counsellor who saw a vivacious, put together and funny young person who had a few adolescent angst things about a normal middle class upbringing. As I lacked the words and insight to know what I was trying to explain... I just knew something was very wrong. Then came the opening of the flood dates, memories I was totally unequipped to handle or process. Then some kind of devastating crisis (self harm, suicide planning, mental collapses etc), which led to withdrawing abruptly from the counsellor before it killed me. And then blocked the whole thing out. Leaving me back at zero.
Knocked me for 6 when I found out. I found some notes which hammered it home rather. Then, bloody brain of mine, it tried to forget again!!! Thank goodness I made new notes on my phone and then told the current counsellor who has hung onto the truth for me since. It's pretty staked to the metaphorical brain now, but who knows... Better help though this time. And she doesn't wish to take a sledge hammer to the walls before I've got some way of dealing with the memories when they come out.
I have more of an impetus this time. DS, of course, and actually me too rather urgently... My physical reality was ignored and denied throughput childhood. Which is somewhat problematic as it turns out I have inherited a genetic condition which was gradually disabling me, and now I am very disabled and not recognizing when I'm in pain, or when I'm on my last reserves. I go right up to when I can't, which is a huge way beyond other people's 'can't'. And I sound unconvincing, don't know how to make my needs heard.
I lie a lot. By accident/ not on purpose anyway. To fill in what my brain is hiding. To sound coherent. To cover up my lack of being a normal person.
E.g. At Physio. She'd given me an exercise to do. Asks me how it's going. I don't know how it's going, argh! I've stopped, why did I stop ok I lie and say I'm finding it too upsetting so stopped. I apologize and know I sound shit to the Physio. I promise to start it up again. It's an everyday task but is hard to do as reminds me of a huge thing I've been forced to give up... So plausible excuse. Yet when I come out of the appointment I think, no, that wasn't true! I actually stopped as it's incredibly painful and sets off a reaction that leaves me with a full on migraine like reaction that can last 24-48 hrs. So, armed with this knowledge I changed around the exercise and added braces and icepacks, and great care not to use the offending muscle/joint/nerves. And I am doing it now, after a fashion.
And as I'm trying hard to change I forced myself to admit that I'd not been able to articulate the issue and this is a great example of how hard physically sensing my own body is. And Physio was nice about it (phew) but did observe that is gone the long way round and it was gonna be a long ole trek to get to even get to the basics. And froze the Physio as I need to do a series of other stuff first then Physio might stand a chance. So sorry I'm whittering, point being...
- God it's hard to be vulnerable. When everything screams at me that revealing vulnerability gives people (my terrible mother) an 'in' to abuse me some more.
- And god it's hard to stop my one track mind (!) from shielding me from my bodies signals, my own emotions, my needs and desires, and any traumatic memory.
- God it's hard to care for myself and navigate a health system where the loudest get help and the quietest get forgotten or dismissed.
Hoping someone understands this and I'm not completely mental sounding. 
for shipmates.
And a sprinkling of stars from the crows nest. 