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Original poster

In love with DP but getting head turned unwillingly

131 replies

Kaperee · 27/05/2016 19:52

I will start of first by saying I am a man and really struggling with my thoughts.

I am keen to settle down and have been craving family life. I met a great woman and have been seeing her for over 2 years. We have met families etc and are fully integrated in each other lives. She is perfect, and the plan is to marry her and start a family in the not too distance future.

I recently met another woman through a mutual friend. I am very attracted to her and find it hard to avoid her. I am fully aware the best option is to stay away from her completely, but I am finding the draw too strong and she is also very keen which makes it even harder. I have not cheated with this OW.

I am struggling with my thoughts as I always thought if you truly love someone, you don't get these urges anymore to see other people. The situation with this OW is making me question what I have with DP.

Has anyone ever experienced this and does anyone have any advice on how to overcome?

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 29/05/2016 21:50

I'm not really sure why you started this thread Confused

FoggyBottom · 29/05/2016 21:55

We have not gone no contact yet as I am hoping we can maintain a very platonic friendship

LOL

Pagwatch · 29/05/2016 21:56

Come on Mantee, he has difficulty controlling his penis. He needs help and advice. Sometimes his passion makes his penis do things his brain doesn't want it to.

FoggyBottom · 29/05/2016 22:05

that I will try for a friendship with this OW

You're too emotionally involved. This is an affair - you are expending intimate emotional energy on someone other than your partner. It's platonic only in that you haven't shagged. But you may as well have.

Leave your partner. In these matters, you can't have your cake & eat it.

Inertia · 29/05/2016 23:01

Rather than telling you to think about what you want, I really hope your partner starts thinking about what SHE wants.

It's a fairly safe bet that she doesn't want a man whose emotional and sexual intelligence is still stuck somewhere around sixth-form level while blaming irresistible urges,a heart-stealing temptress and the fates for all his dickthinkery.

Lots of people have crushes on other people, or find them attractive. Most grown-ups learn to deal with it, generally by staying away from the person in question. However, you are determined to prove how irresistible you are by insisting on a platonic friendship with the OW- probably so that you can blame your sexual allure, and make an excuse out of you and OW being unable to resist each other.

Frankly, your partner deserves the chance of happiness with someone that isn't looking for justification and validation for shagging around.

OTheHugeManatee · 29/05/2016 23:26

Pagwatch Grin

Sort of like Wallace in The Wrong Trousers?

"It's the wrong penis, Gromit! It's gone wrong!"

BonneMaman77 · 30/05/2016 00:33

OP you have decided to do something that works for you. Fair enough.

If you love your DP and have faith in your relationship or indeed any respect for your DP there is one more thing to do. Sit your DP down and tell her about your feelings for this other woman and how your fighting so hard against said feelings. She has a right to know where your head is when hers is fully into a future with you.

SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys · 30/05/2016 02:30

I have already made the decision in my mind that I will try for a friendship with this OW. If it becomes difficult and my draw to her does not seem to wane, I will have to seriously begin considering my existing relationship.

You self involved wanker. Have you heard yourself. So at what point will you be 'considering' your existing relationship? You are clearly too immature to be having a grown up relationship, especially one that is leading to children. Do your DP a massive favour and leave her so she can find a grown up to have kids with.

😠

Rubberduck2 · 30/05/2016 06:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatieKaboom · 30/05/2016 07:52

Stop mincing your words, Rubberduck. Grin

NavyAndWhite · 30/05/2016 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FoggyBottom · 30/05/2016 08:09

Sit your DP down and tell her about your feelings for this other woman and how your fighting so hard against said feelings. She has a right to know where your head is when hers is fully into a future with you

This.

Then show her this thread, and suggest she register & give her version. Have some grown-up empathy and try it'll be hard for you, I know to think about how she feels. Committing to someone for the rest of your life takes trust, and one makes oneself vulnerable.

She has a right to know what the consequences of fully committing to you might be.

Personally, I'd be out of there.

SandyY2K · 30/05/2016 08:20

The better option would be not to spend time with the OW and get on with your life. Then if after some months you still have feelings for her, then you should end your relationship. You will become a cheating partner with your inability to control your desire for other women.

Spending time with her will mean she is on her best behaviour because she likes you. You'll be trying to please each other in your actions and conversation. Then before you know it you'll be spewing nonsense about how you're 'solemates' and totally 'get each other '.

There's no doubt that there's more than one person in the world we are compatible with for a relationship. When you find one you stop looking for another but you are not doing that. You are not protecting your primary relationship by choosing to spend time with the OW. You aren't ready for marriage and need to think about letting your DP go.

If you do anything apart from NC with the OW you're inviting trouble.

Let me ask you this. If your DP was physically attracted to another man and decided to spend time with him to see how she felt , would you honestly believe she was in love and committed to you? Would you still want to marry her?

If you insist on spending time with the OW, then come clean and tell your DP. Let her decide if she still wants to be with you .

MudCity · 30/05/2016 08:30

By maintaining a platonic relationship with the OW you are keeping your options open. End of.

If your partner us perfect for you then that should be enough. You don't deserve her.

As a previous poster said, how would you feel if the roles were reversed?

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 30/05/2016 09:16

That is not good behaviour, OP. It's not the behaviour of a man who stays faithful. Is this what you'd do if were married? If it is, then you are likely to have an affair and cheat on your wife-a far more likely outcome than seeing the OW in a different light. If not, you are clearly keeping your options open, which is such a cruel thing to do to your partner as she waits for you to decide what the best option for you is.

You've said you wanted tips for moving on, but the fact that you will make choices based on how you feel in a friendship suggests that's you're not trying to move on at all but instead are choosing what you want and what you think will make you happy. Nothing wrong with that if you are not in a relationship at the time. If you are with someone, you are messing them both around I'm afraid. You can't choose between two women while you're going out with one of them. It's called being a cad and is really the opposite of behaviour that is honourable and loving. I can only imagine how upset your girlfriend is at the moment.

If you're not sure you are 100% able to keep the commitments you have already made to your girlfriend then you tell her everything, including the 'If my feelings for the OW develop I may break up with you' (not the 'don't worry, I'm only pursuing a friendship so I'll start seeing her in a more platonic light').

She's asked you to make your mind up. That suggests she's not willing to be with you while your mind is not made up. So you don't actually have the right to be with her while you are pursuing a friendship with the OW. She's made it clear she wants an answer; there isn't time for you to go through some friendship process with someone else, and if you try to do that now you are taking advantage of her. She clearly knows that the present situation is unhealthy and bad for her self esteem, not to mention probably making her very unhappy.

If you aren't able to 100% commit to her NOW, without seeing what happens with your feelings, you need to break up. Make a choice without playing with her feelings at the same time. If you answer the question and want to get back with your girlfriend, you take your chances she will have you again. That's the only decent way to do it.

I have to say, you do sound very selfish and I struggle to see why she is with you if you are being 100% honest about the situation. If she has any self respect she will end it with you and based on your disingenuous behaviour, she would be well rid of you.

princessmi12 · 30/05/2016 09:25

As I said previously I hope your DP smart and strong enough to leave you herself.
You are selfish wanker , thinking you have right to put women through this.I hope you get neither of those 2 women ,DP should respect herself not to be forced into this crap, same as OW should be smart enough not to engage into affair with an unavailable man.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 30/05/2016 10:10

It's really easy (from the outside). If it's taken you over 2 years to commit to your DP not that you actually have, yet then I'd say you're just not that into her. Yes you might be compatible, but you're not nuts about her.

This OW, however, is much more your "type". Even though personality wise she might be less compatible. (Is she a lot younger?)

I wouldn't commit to your DP if I were you. You'd only "rub along" with each other, not ever be madly committed and devoted. She deserves a guy who is crazy about her!

Let the DP go. Yes it's a shame and yes you'll lose a great partner, but she's not the right great partner for you.

Colchestergal · 30/05/2016 11:23

As I said 4 or 5 pages ago this is really boring.

He's looking for people to stroke his ego.

As for responding to his predicament.......poor you, having to choose between two ladies. My heart bleeds.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/05/2016 11:30

Oh, you're a Peter Pan.

So is one of my acquaintances. I've watched him do this over and over again, to the extent that I don't meet any of his new partners because I know this is where it will end up - endless angst and navel gazing about happiness and the future and babies and all the feelz.

I wouldn't mind if he wasn't dragging a series of lovely women along for the ride and totally fucking with their heads.

Toomanymarsbars · 30/05/2016 15:17

So you're basically keeping your dp on the back burner whilst you pursue a "platonic"
relationship with this ow which, if it develops, you'll essentially be like "oh yay! See ya dp!" And I'm betting you're not going to let your poor dp in on this little plan of yours. I fucking hate men like you.

Jackiebrambles · 30/05/2016 15:25

How does someone in their late 30s think a platonic relationship with someone they are sexually attracted to is possible?!

Good grief.

Summerwalking16 · 30/05/2016 15:38

I actually feel sorry for OW as he's just stringing her along for his ego boost.

princessmi12 · 30/05/2016 15:44

Summerwalking16

She should be sensible enough not to get into grey areas with unavailable men anyway.She definitely has a choice here of to be or not to be.I know Id never end up being stringed along by not so single guy..

Whisky2014 · 30/05/2016 15:57

Yes I have experienced this and I have acted on it and it never ends well!!

All I will say is The Grass Is Not Greener.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, trust me!

Only you can choose OP, but i'd say you need to either make a decision to be loyal and faithful and concentrate on your relationship again. Or be a gent and leave her so she can move on.

GahBuggerit · 30/05/2016 16:45

You are either breathtakingly handsome, have a massive and girthy cock or a 6 inch tongue cos it sure as shit isnt your personality that attracts women to you.