Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In love with DP but getting head turned unwillingly

131 replies

Kaperee · 27/05/2016 19:52

I will start of first by saying I am a man and really struggling with my thoughts.

I am keen to settle down and have been craving family life. I met a great woman and have been seeing her for over 2 years. We have met families etc and are fully integrated in each other lives. She is perfect, and the plan is to marry her and start a family in the not too distance future.

I recently met another woman through a mutual friend. I am very attracted to her and find it hard to avoid her. I am fully aware the best option is to stay away from her completely, but I am finding the draw too strong and she is also very keen which makes it even harder. I have not cheated with this OW.

I am struggling with my thoughts as I always thought if you truly love someone, you don't get these urges anymore to see other people. The situation with this OW is making me question what I have with DP.

Has anyone ever experienced this and does anyone have any advice on how to overcome?

OP posts:
derxa · 27/05/2016 20:45

I choose 'whore'

ChicRock · 27/05/2016 20:48

This is very familiar, have you posted about this before?

Original poster
Kaperee · 27/05/2016 20:49

Yes I have posted previously. This has been ongoing a while now.

OP posts:
KatieKaboom · 27/05/2016 20:50

I tend to agree... but without the lovely gent who mentally categorises all women according to that system, right?

KatieKaboom · 27/05/2016 20:51

Last post was to derxa.

Dozer · 27/05/2016 20:51

You're late 30s? Grow up! Fine and not unusual to fancy other people: wanky to act on it, as you're already doing.

You have already started an emotional affair at least if you "know she's keen" and are meeting her alone and so confident of the immense physical attraction. That's just "forbidden" lust.

If your partner wants DC she can't really wait "a couple more years", and has apparently made a bad bet on you.

ocelot41 · 27/05/2016 20:53

I think you can also have major crushes on other people and still love your partner. It is called not being dead from the neck down. Those feelings tend to feel irresistible when you are having a wobbly over commitment IME. Are you scared of what commitment to one person will mean OP? I was so that isn't meant to sound judgy

ChicRock · 27/05/2016 20:57

Ah yes. You're sexually attracted to this OW, you've actually told her this (knowing that she is attracted to you too) and you've also told your friends.

You are making a fool of your DP.

At the end of your last thread, didn't you say you were going to come clean to your DP - admit you were sexually attracted to the OW, tell your DP about your conversation with the OW about this and admit you were deliberately seeking to spend time with her.

So how'd your DP take it? Hmm

newworldnow · 27/05/2016 21:00

FFS just leave your DP. If she knew she would be horrified. You clearly compartmentalise your women and think you're doing DP a favour by not satisfying your urges.
Good for you.
And you are obviously leading on OW, no doubt there will be a long line of them in the future but you can blame your knob.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2016 21:01

Are you sure this isn't a baby issue ?

We just managed to get shut of one self pitying tosser and it was painful

Why don't you disappear right now and save us all from the boredom of contemplating your huge ego ?

newworldnow · 27/05/2016 21:02

How would you feel if DP were doing this behind your back? big ego you have there.

WomanActually · 27/05/2016 21:05

Saying your head is turned "unwillingly" makes it sound like you are being forced or don't heavy any say over your own actions.

Finding someone attractive is one thing, but how you choose to act is another. If you are wanting to be alone with other women while your relationship is good with no problems, how do you think you'll cope when you hit a rough patch or go through a no sex phase (not that any of that is an excuse for cheating but it seems to be what cheaters spout a lot).

If anything happens with your friend it's because you've planned and chose for it to happen, it won't be heat of the moment, if you don't want it to happen then it won't, it's easy not to find yourself in a situation where you have sex with someone who's not your partner, many many people manage it all the time.

Manogomay may not be for you, but you need a partner who feels the same and agrees to an open relationship. If you really do love dp you'd let her go and find someone who is capable of monogamy, she's the one who's going to get hurt. I think you've already crossed a line, if you know the other woman is keen you must have discussed it with her?

Herald · 27/05/2016 21:07

AF spot on as usual , I was thinking exactly the same 🙄

derxa · 27/05/2016 21:07

sorry I didn't realise OP was a bit of a tosser. Just let your DP go. She deserves more.

newworldnow · 27/05/2016 21:08

In fact just get it over and done with. Have sex with OW and think about it afterwards. After all you did the right thing because you were in turmoil and no feelings involved so you didn't really cheat.

Original poster
Kaperee · 27/05/2016 21:09

I did tell my DP. Of course it did not go down well and she asked me to think about what I really want.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaperee · 27/05/2016 21:09

Are you sure this isn't a baby issue ?

What do you mean by this?

OP posts:
newname99 · 27/05/2016 21:15

How old are you? Are you perhaps more in love with the idea of family rather than your partner.
I think whilst it's fun to find someone attractive, the love you feel for you partner just stops it going further.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/05/2016 21:20

So your DP knows everything? That you're sexually attracted to the OW, you've made the decision to spend time alone with her, you've told her and other people?

I think if she does, and she told you to make your mind up, and you still don't know - you're kidding yourself that you want this relationship with your DP. You don't. This wouldn't even be a question if you did.

Colchestergal · 27/05/2016 21:22

Yawn........

Gide · 27/05/2016 21:23

You're not a teenager with surging hormones. Get a grip and sort out your life. You come on here asking-basically-for our approval. You ain't gonna get it. Either stop seeing this ow or dump your DP, you're being a twat to her.

CatThiefkeith · 27/05/2016 21:28

I think you should show your dp this thread and let her take it from there..

DrowningInWallStickers · 27/05/2016 21:31

A big point to be made here, if it hasn't been made already, is that although we can find looks attractive in our nature is that we don't know that others points that we don't like yet.

A long term relationship can feel less than new and sparkly and exciting because we know the other person on a completely different level. We find they have habits that we sometimes don't like, preferences that we disagree with, we live in each other's pockets til it seems like the colour has faded a bit, even if the love is still there.

Then along comes something shiny and new and we want it. We don't know this person, they make you feel good and make you forget that they're not perfect, just like the partner you're with and love is not perfect. It can be hard to resist - ONLY if you don't want to resist it.

Your urges drive you to sweet fuck all. I very frequently have a powerful urge to smack the gobby cow up the street for me for screaming in the streets, however I don't want to go to jail. It's nice to fantasise about but not worth ruining my life over.

Similarly, I have find other men attractive. Used to know a guy with gorgeous blue eyes and a jaw so chiselled you could bounce a penny off it, and those muscles! Stand him next to my dp and my dp would look poor by comparison. But my dp is the sexiest man alive to me, I love him with everything I am and wouldn't even entertain the notion of cheating on him, even for a shag with a man as beautiful as that.

What you have with your dp is deeper than some meaningless fuck with some good looking lass who gets your manhood stiff. You'd be a heartless bastard to cheat, either leave the poor woman or stop contact with the other woman if you honestly think you're as weak and pathetic as to be ruled by your junk.

KatieKaboom · 27/05/2016 21:36

Do you remember in the 90s how there was that term SNAG, a "sensitive new age guy"? A man who, in today's terms, had all the feels and was totes emotes?

Pagwatch · 27/05/2016 21:42

Many of us find other people attractive during the course of long term relationships.
I certainly have.
I just remember that I love my husband and that life is not an episode of Greys Anatomy.
In the real world one can make choices.

When anyone professes to being in the grip of an emotion stronger than they can resist it's nearly always the same.
It's really convenient that we happen to be in thrall to irresistible emotions that reflect entirely our desire to fuck someone else behind our partners back.