In love with DP but getting head turned unwillingly

[Kaperee]

I will start of first by saying I am a man and really struggling with my thoughts.

I am keen to settle down and have been craving family life. I met a great woman and have been seeing her for over 2 years. We have met families etc and are fully integrated in each other lives. She is perfect, and the plan is to marry her and start a family in the not too distance future.

I recently met another woman through a mutual friend. I am very attracted to her and find it hard to avoid her. I am fully aware the best option is to stay away from her completely, but I am finding the draw too strong and she is also very keen which makes it even harder. I have not cheated with this OW.

I am struggling with my thoughts as I always thought if you truly love someone, you don't get these urges anymore to see other people. The situation with this OW is making me question what I have with DP.

Has anyone ever experienced this and does anyone have any advice on how to overcome?

I am fully aware the best option is to stay away from her completely, but I am finding the draw too strong and she is also very keen which makes it even harder.

No, it's really not that hard to stay away. If you actually want to. Seems you don't. Please come clean with your DP and split up with her. Or grow a backbone and cut ties with the OW. Those are your options.

I think you can get these urges if you love your partner but if you love your partner you will be able to stay away from the OW.

You say your current partner is 'perfect' and you are only attracted to ow on a 'physical' level. This means you will be hurting both of them badly on different levels. One on looks and one on personality. Maybe you should be single?

It sounds as if you're having serious doubts about your DP. Don't marry her unless you are sure she is the one for you.

OK here's a wild card. Are you someone who would prefer an open relationship? Monogamy or split are not the only options although open relationships have to be wanted by all parties and involve LOTS of open and honest communication.

I think it's perfectly possible to be in love with someone and have a great relationship, but still have your head turned. It's even possible to love more than one person.

However, our culture dictates you can't act on those feelings.

If you marry your DP and are with her for life, there will doubtless be many women over the years that you meet and are attracted to.

The question is: what do you do about it? Nothing. You walk away. You chose your DP and, assuming your relationship is good and it's what you want, you stay with her. Other women will come and go, but you are a human, not an animal and should resist these urges.

Having feelings for other women doesn't make you a bad person, acting on them does.

Jesus, can't believe you're late 30s! You sound like a guy fresh in his early twenties. Anyway. LEAVE YOUR POOR DP. Let her go. She deserves to be truly loved, wanted, respected and adored by a partner, not be left hanging by an immature tosser who wants sex with someone else (and who has already decided to "spend time alone with the OW" as you said. I bloody hope you leave your DP before you cheat on her).

Head turned unwillingly? What a load of absolute wank. What you really mean is you want your cake and eat it. Your DP should dump you.

At the end of the day you are not a helpless victim of your urges. The responsible adult thing to do is split from your partner if you want to be with this OW, or else shut down the flirting if you value life with your partner. One or the other, no prattling about hedging your bets.

My bet is you'd regret it if you left your pet er but if this drags on with her knowledge that will happen anyway (or you'll have wrecked the trust and intimacy so it might as well have) so pull your finger out and make a grownup decision, then stick with it.

Love is something you do with the decisions you take every day, not just something that happens. Stop acting all helpless and take control of this sotuation as your current behaviour sounds at best disrespectful to your DP if not quite unpleasantly self-indulgent.

You fucker. You selfish arse.

You say you both want to settle down and start a family. Your DP is - like you - late 30s. She's probably on her last chance for children and you are now havering?

Grow up and commit, or let her go to find someone who's responsible and cares for her as fully human and not just a bit player in their life drama of being the tortured romantic hero who can't help himself when women just throw themselves at him.

Or advise your DP to get registered on MN and tell us her version of what is also her story. You're not the only star of this movie of doomed romance.

I love that all these men have piled onto the Relationships board recently to tell us all about their tales of woe, how everything happens to them, and it's such an awful dilemma, and we don't don't understand how hard it is and they have no control or agency over their actions.

And what they all come down to is "I want everything I want, and I want the woman/women in my life to fall into line with what I want, and for them to make all the compromises so I don't have to make any".

It's so tedious.

OP,I feel sorry for your DP of 2 years.
She asks her to make a choice between her and the OW..and you don't know what to do so you post here..Are you taking piss?
You should NEVER jeopardise your relationship . If you done so you already automatically chose OW.
I hope YOUR DP will have strength to abandon this relationship as it's clearly making her hurt so much while you massage your ego and put yourself first

FWIW OP, you'd be getting the same advice if you were a woman posting.

I was sitting in the fence before I read that this isn't the first time you've posted. This is dominating your thoughts too much so I'm inclined to say that you're not doing the right thing by your DP. You want the perfect picture who doesn't but you're not ready to settle.

FFS on the fence

What makes you think that the "OW" is interested in you?

Look, it's simple. Either you are more attracted to her than you are to your girlfriend or you are not. If you are, dump your girlfriend and go for it. If you are not, forget about her, grow up and stop trying to have your cake and eat eat it.

I think the responses here are harsh. OP isn't looking for approval - he's looking for advice. Which is what this board is for.

Op - I understand your dilemma and have been in a similar situation myself many years ago. For me it meant the end of the relationship, ultimately. But not immediately. When I was with the perfect person for me I didn't have my head turned ever. But that's me - not you. I suspect you have a great shot at happiness with your DP so do resist this urge. And stop worrying about it. Just ignore it. And if you can't - then you have your answer.

It's called monogamy.

Can't have your cake and eat it.

If your DP wants a monogamous relationship and you don't then you are not right for each other. Respect her or leave her.

I have advice for whiny arsed tossers like this one

Grow up

What I'm hearing in your posts is a sense of what you feel you 'should' be doing. Settling down. It's only right if it's what you truly want, and what feels natural and right to you. It's ok to walk away after two years.

I really recommend you read "not just friends" by Shirley Glass. It will help you understand the situation you're in now and how it can escalate, and what to do to resolve things.

It's very, very common to be attracted to someone else, that's a normal human thing, we're not robots! It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your relationship - although, there fucking will be if you decide to act on it (including by spending time alone with this woman, even if you don't kiss/shag or anything physical yet during those times). Your DP is right, you have to make a choice, do you want to be with her and make her happy and have a life together OR do you want to spend time with the other attractive woman and possibly shag her? Make the choice first, with your brain, before your penis decides "on the spur of the moment" (a moment you will actually have had to engineer by arranging to be alone with the woman) and fucks everything up for you.

AF He's only in his late 30s. Give him time - look how long it took Rupert Murdoch.

There's so much public talk about 'selfish' women who take too long to "decide" to settle down & have a family. Why isn't the story these selfish fuckers of Peter Pans who aren't grown up or man enough to commit?

I may be projecting a tad here

So you've posted before and are genuinely saying you find the urge too strong to avoid the ow completely. You've allowed this to continue and become part of your life by setting the ow on her own and hugely hurting your dp by telling her about it.

You can't help feeling attraction to others (is normal, IMO) but the way you've handled this has been weak and without love for your partner, who you are asking to watch you dither. You may feel dp is perfect for you but based on your behaviour, I don't feel you would be a perfect choice for anyone wanting a long term committed relationship.

This just isn't how faithful people behave. They don't drag it out. They don't get close to the flame on purpose. They don't feel helpless. They don't involve their partner unless it is to confess for honesty's sake but with the reassurance that any future feelings will be stamped out.

I think you should either grow up very suddenly, realise your dp deserves much better and you should only be with her if you're prepared to give that to her NOW, in short, let this be a massive wake up call, or, if you feel unable to do that, leave your dp to find someone who can conduct themselves properly. Your behaviour is the behaviour of someone who will cheat, rather than someone who will never cheat. You are choosing to spend time with someone that your urges are 'too strong' to cut out of your life. How long do you think you can play chicken with that for?

Marriage is hard. If you can't handle this you shouldn't be in one. Imagine your dp having to deal with this with a screaming baby while she's on maternity leave. If it's happening now it could happen to you then.

Bottom line. She's perfect for you. You're not good enough for her at the moment.

I agree with you Foggy, I think it's crazy that we're not having that conversation in the media. men not committing is a huge part of the issue.

However I think there's little more damaging to a woman/potential family unit than a man forcing himself to commit when he knows that really he's not completely into it. Better that he lets the woman go so she can find one of the many solid good men out there.

I'm kinda amazed by all these people who never even look at anyone outside their marriage. I have crushes on other men and women periodically and have done for the decade plus (actually, approaching 15 years) I've been with OH.

I think you're taking this too seriously. So this woman is cute? Don't over think. Don't go out of your way to spend special time with her, maintain boundaries, and arrange a nice date with your actual partner. The crush will fade, absolutely.

And remember, you can't help your feelings. You can help your actions, so don't beat yourself up about noticing but don't make that justification for breaching boundaries. Long term relationships, in my opinion, are as much about choices as feelings.

I agree, men and commitment is seen as a bit of a joke, something to laugh at in sitcoms etc etc.
It really needs a change in some mens attitudes though. some of them seem to think they have some inherent right to a relationship. They seem to believe they can act like selfish, fuckwitted tossers and any woman should be grateful that they've looked at them.

Screw that, any man that has a woman that loves them should be grateful. in fact, any person that finds any person that loves them should be grateful (Though i think grateful may be the wrong word, appreciative? maybe thats better?)