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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In love with DP but getting head turned unwillingly

131 replies

Kaperee · 27/05/2016 19:52

I will start of first by saying I am a man and really struggling with my thoughts.

I am keen to settle down and have been craving family life. I met a great woman and have been seeing her for over 2 years. We have met families etc and are fully integrated in each other lives. She is perfect, and the plan is to marry her and start a family in the not too distance future.

I recently met another woman through a mutual friend. I am very attracted to her and find it hard to avoid her. I am fully aware the best option is to stay away from her completely, but I am finding the draw too strong and she is also very keen which makes it even harder. I have not cheated with this OW.

I am struggling with my thoughts as I always thought if you truly love someone, you don't get these urges anymore to see other people. The situation with this OW is making me question what I have with DP.

Has anyone ever experienced this and does anyone have any advice on how to overcome?

OP posts:
FoggyBottom · 28/05/2016 09:00

Cinnamon2013 Absolutely. But the shyster men should grow the fuck up and leave and not keep stringing their lovely partners along. The OP can just join AShley Williams or whatever and have lots of no strings attached sex with women, and keep on playing the tragic hero:
'I'm just pursued by all these women and I don't want to treat them badly and they're throwing themselves at me, so what can I doooooo?"

We just had a 1000+ thread in here started by a babyman who wanted to be the hero of a doomed romance. The needs and desires of the "love of his life" (apparently) featured as a walk on role, with no respect for her full personhood.

SomethingLike · 28/05/2016 09:16

I don't know what you want us to tell you. If I was your GF though I wouldn't want to be with someone posting on Internet forums about an intense physical attraction to another woman. You don't intend to stray but you're obsessing over her. Either choose to be with your GF properly and cut off this other woman or dump your GF and sow your oats.

Or as someone I know would put it: "Shit or get off the pot."

HTH.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2016 09:18

I reckon it's the same tosser, Foggy. His other navel gazing stream of wanky consciousness got deleted, so he's changed the tack slightly.

All an exercise in attention seeking and getting the mummies all frothy.

PissOffJournalists · 28/05/2016 10:02

Yep AnyFucker, sounds very like him.

Piemernator · 28/05/2016 10:10

I'm a woman but sure have thought other men are gorgeous whilst remaining faithful in a 20 year relationship. One of them was a person who I met at work, he actually confessed feelings. If we had met as single folk hell yeah it would have been on but we didn't so I just avoided him.

I also agree that people actually don't need to settle down and its the expected society thing. It's fine not to but just be honest and do not string along others who want this.

Wauden · 28/05/2016 11:13

The risk is that if you go off with the OW or get physical and get found out, that you go out for a while with OW, you split up (you said your personalities are different) and you have lost it all.

Floatinglight · 28/05/2016 12:20

May be watch 'Fatal attraction' before you stroke your urges Grin

Leelooo · 28/05/2016 12:58

If you want to spend time with the other woman, as you have said, then you are not committed to your partner.

Leelooo · 28/05/2016 13:08

You need to look at why you want to spend time with her. Sounds like a sexual attraction which could mean that the sex side of your primary relationship has fizzled out and you are no longer happy in that respect. Two years is usually a make or break times in a relationship. You are already acting upon your feelings so think you need to break up so that your girlfriend can find someone else.

Arfarfanarf · 28/05/2016 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roarfeckingroar · 28/05/2016 13:16

I love my DP. Dearly, truly, entirely. Do I sometimes want other people? Yes. It is only human. Do I act on it? Obviously not because I love and respect him.

I think that when your commitment is tested your reaction shows the extent of your love.

Toomanymarsbars · 28/05/2016 14:37

You're a little boy who doesn't care if he hurts his partner by listening to his penis. If sex with this ow is your priority, don't be a fucking arsehole, leave your poor dp first. Then you get to have as much free sex with this woman as you want, without all of this "ohhhh I'm in SUCH a moral dilemma" crap. And your poor do will be spared having her heart and trust stomped on and shattered into a million tiny painful jagged pieces. But no, you're meeting up with ow aren't you? You'll have sex with her because you're a selfish prick and are putting yourself and your lust first.

SleepingTiger · 28/05/2016 20:54

Don't commit to anyone if you are not capable or ready for commitment. It's pretty nasty to fuck them over.

SleepingTiger · 28/05/2016 21:01

It's a gift seeyounearertime

Original poster
Kaperee · 29/05/2016 18:17

I fully expected to get flamed, but all I was looking for were tips to move on from the potential OW.

OP posts:
DownstairsMixUp · 29/05/2016 18:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Kaperee · 29/05/2016 18:29

Not that this makes much of a difference, but to those who say I am wasting her time for children etc, she already has 2 DC with her previous partner.

OP posts:
FoggyBottom · 29/05/2016 18:45

Tips for moving on?

Obviously - complete non-contact. Tell the OW that you are faithful to your partner, that you'll no longer contact her [the OW] and that you will not respond to her contact t.

Delete her contact details from Facebook, your phone, and your email. Delete here texts and emails.

If you feel pain at the prospect of this, you're already being unfaithful to your partner.

Original poster
Kaperee · 29/05/2016 21:19

I did already tell the OW I am dedicated to my DP. She is very aware of this. We have not gone no contact yet as I am hoping we can maintain a very platonic friendship.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 29/05/2016 21:21

Just no. No 'platonic' friendship. Look inside and you will see you already know that's self-serving bollocks. No contact or your DP will be justified in ditching you.

Toomanymarsbars · 29/05/2016 21:24

"I fully expected to get flamed, but all I was looking for were tips to move on from the potential OW"

Some men have moved jobs/areas to get away from the OW., as an example. You however want to remain "very platonic" friends with your ow. But you want to fuck her. You cannot remain friends. You are obviously giving out signals/making it clear to her you are attracted to her. Telling her "I adore my dp, no one can compare" etc might work but failing that seeing as you're so obviously so utterly desirable to this woman tell her to fuck off or you'll get a restraining order if you're that serious about moving on. No contact seems to be the only
way to go for you and her.

derxa · 29/05/2016 21:41

I am hoping we can maintain a very platonic friendship Oh give over.

VinoTime · 29/05/2016 21:41

I'm struggling to actually read the words through the thick haze of bullshit, OP.

Christ. My 9 year old can play Barbies with a better understanding of morals and relationships than you. Either grow up and learn to be a big, responsible boy or fly back off to Neverland - you can pirate and whore all you want there, Peter.

I'm awarding you my first Biscuit

Original poster
Kaperee · 29/05/2016 21:45

I definitely will not be touching her. I have had a similar (but not as strong) experience many years ago and I did spend time alone with that woman etc and what I found worked for me, was that the familiarity started to change the way I viewed her and we maintained a long platonic friendship. We are still friends to this day - I am even god parent to her DD.

I have already made the decision in my mind that I will try for a friendship with this OW. If it becomes difficult and my draw to her does not seem to wane, I will have to seriously begin considering my existing relationship.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 29/05/2016 21:49

You are magnificent OP. How lucky those women are.