Hi Husha, I'd forgotten it was fathers day as we don't have it here. Not that I think my husband would be getting anything from the children even if we did. Things are not great with my gang and their dad. In fact in one case its non-existent and the other 3 are fast following suit. But Ive worked it all out now and the more they resist meeting the OW and going to stay with them when they're 'up there' the more he is paying them back for it by deliberately drifting away. And of course that hurts me for my kids but more than that I know he is doing to hurt me so that my kids will say look we better do what he says so he'll stop hurting mama. He claims not to be angry with me but he is and thats why he uses our youngest son as a weapon as well. He's evil and off his head.
It just all fell into place yesterday when I told my SIL what my DIL had said to him and she told me - he came her as well and offered us accommodation with them and the use of his driver to take us anywhere we want to go when we go to 'up there' for the weekend. And again he said - I dont know why you are all so afraid of Tattie!!!! And again he was told - its nothing to do with fear and everything to do with loving and respecting her, and your children.
This is my SIL who I had at our Surgeons within 2 hours of her telling me she had a breast lump. It was cancer and she had her op 3 days later. I went to every hospital stay and appointment with her for two years. It almost killed me because I was also juggling my house and family but she's now passed her 5 year mark and will soon be 70. She told him I'll never betray someone who saved my life and my family, and nor will my children, but even if she hadn't saved my life she's one of us and always will be - no one else will ever stand in front of me as a SIL.
He just doesn't get it and never will. He's like a giant sodding sponge who just takes takes takes, nothing is enough for him, and I can recall one night saying to my friend even how I looked after SIL meant nothing to him. Nothing I did was good enough. And yes it was wrong to think of it that way but these bastards make you so hungry for love and recognition that you lose your marbles in many ways.
And another example of that is when my other SIL died. I'd just had my hair washed at the hairdressers when my SIL called and was screaming and saying come come come. So I jumped out of the chair and went to the hospital and was there when my SIL died. Then I took all the sisters to her house, prepared the room for her body coming home and sorted out everything we'd need to prepare her for burial. Bugger lugs was away 'up there on business' so I phoned him and said this has happened and you have to come back but don't worry I'll look after her till you're here. My girls prepared their aunty with her daughters and we all sat around her till he arrived and she was taken away to the Mosque. And again its wrong to think of things like this but again its shows nothing was good enough and to be frank there are days when the injustice of it all still stings like hell.
He doesn't understand respect/loyalty and its like people have said to him, under normal circumstances none of us would have any acquaintance with the type of woman you married and whilst you have had to close your eyes and re-write history regarding what led up to the situation today - the rest of us haven't had to and we never will.
So its all my fault. Im scaring people into not meeting her and going to say with them when they're 'up the road' for the weekend . It has absolutely nothing to do with what went on and how my children are all grown up now and parents themselves and they look at their children and say - if he loved us..........
Anyway Ive told my children I can take any amount of nonsense from him and they've never to do anything they don't want to do in order to stop me being hurt. And I am hurt. A lot. But I'll be ok by tomorrow as thats the way it goes after so long and things still rear their ugly bloody head.. You still hurt but not for long - and dinner with my sons family tonight will help put it into perspective because Ive got kids who are my everything, and Im also theirs.
And I have to admit to being heartened that one of my boys said to me yesterday Mama, we know why he wants us all there and its because we are his respectability in a filthy situation. That when people say to him what do the children think, have they accepted this, do they come and visit, and he says to them no - they wont accept/condone the situation either because they'll be well aware that the story behind must be awful. But you see even that has a sting in its tail because my children must feel - ah once we accept this he'll drop us like a tonne of bricks. And its true - he would because they'd be of no more use to him.
God I dont half go on at times and Im hoping this helps some of you - especially Husha who's husband is my husbands cosmic twin.