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Original poster

XH sent email to birthday guests

144 replies

torontonian · 24/05/2016 02:56

Today was my DS 3rd birthday and my XH sent an email 20 min before the party to some of the guests. I dont know the full text but basically: I didnt let him come to the party and if somebody wanted to know what REALLY happened with our separation they could reach to him (he had an affair with someone everybody in the party knows but still denies 10 months later).

So this is a school setting. The OW lost 2 friends from this group and recently had to cancel her DD bday because nobody was coming. Mind you I have kept quiete, only told 2 people from school (friends not just anybody) and I am pretry sure they have kept it private. But these two morons think OW losing friends or people not coming to her party is my fault. And after having an affair while I was pregnant, lying to me (OW was my friend and at my house almost every weekend) cheating, deceiving, I still need to put up with revenge. Wtf!?

One of the persons he sent the email to is my friend but she didnt tell me yet (I know through second friend, who did not receive it). Do you think I should ask her to forward it to me? Wait until she mentions? I want to know what it says exactly but sont want to make her feel uncomfortable.

I dont want to turn a blind eye. Keeping quiet is not doing me any good. The more they punch me and I say nothing the more thwy think they can do to me. I need to stop them. And I want the text in case he has vulnerated my right to honour. Snougj is enough.

OP posts:

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 25/05/2016 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Costacoffeeplease · 25/05/2016 17:39

There is no point wasting your time and energy on wanting him to have regrets - even if he does he won't admit it to you.

RosieSW · 25/05/2016 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K · 25/05/2016 20:43

Lawyers don't usually send letters if it's not warranted as their reputation is at stake, regardless of them being paid.

Several of my family members are solicitors and have told clients when letter sending has no place in law.

They know if they send silly letters the other party will go to their solicitor and they'll look stupid. That's not good for business.

OP - your children will be too ashamed to say he regrets it even if he did. I'm MC I speak to several WSs who regret leaving the family for OWs or OM.

The best thing you can do is live your life and get a new man. 😁

dilys4trevor · 25/05/2016 22:36

Sandy, am being thick, what's WS and MC (marriage counsellor?)?

mickyblueyes · 26/05/2016 12:00

WS = Wayward Spouse

dilys4trevor · 26/05/2016 12:39

Ah thanks!

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 26/05/2016 13:33

Lawyers don't usually send letters if it's not warranted as their reputation is at stake, regardless of them being paid.

Not true, especially in family law.

OP: please get counselling because you HAVE to detach.

Original poster

torontonian · 26/05/2016 19:30

I guess when you say detach it doesn't only mean disengage but don't be affected by his actions.
Friends were mortified for me. And you say that the healthy way when he tries to slap me like that is indifference... I mean, one thing is his friends and common friends but school parents is a different matter to me.

I am going to try my best to put in words what I feel/think.

My thoughts about the email is that he is not thinking well, delusional, he doesn't deserve me and thatI can't let him walk all over me. I don't know if I have feelings about the email. Or maybe I feel fed up, under attack.
I am not so worried about what people is going to think (last week somebody asked me if I was not afraid of what he could say to others and my answer was that anybody can say just anything about somebody else and that doesn't mean we all need to live in fear). So not worried about what people would think. My focus on this matter is to stop him. Stop him from the spiral or destruction he is bringing over me. Stand to him and tell him I am not a passive punch bag you can pee on. I am not accepting your ugliness. Like bullies, you can let them steal your lunch everyday or you can tell them to f**k off.

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 26/05/2016 19:43

But you've sent a lawyer's letter? So now stop giving him headspace

Just ignore him and anything he has to say - treat it with contempt like it's beneath you to even think about it.

RosieSW · 26/05/2016 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wallywobbles · 26/05/2016 20:05

If I were your friend I wouldn't tell you because I would think you'd suffered enough. If you asked me though I'd send it to you.

Original poster

torontonian · 26/05/2016 20:09

RosieSW he doesn't deserve me - I am treating him way better than I should and caring for him more than I should.

Now, this was a party hosted by both of us. He didn't have to help me. He had to do his part. And he considered that that was invoting 2 of his (not DS) friends and that was all he needed to do. So yes, I then considered "this is my party" and therefore I don't have to invite you. You can still see your DS today though.

OP posts:

dilys4trevor · 26/05/2016 20:11

OP doesn't sound like she is doing the pick me dance at all! Not everyone does.

CoolforKittyCats · 26/05/2016 21:10

You are over-reacting IMO when you had a solicitor send your ex a letter. How many more letters have you sent during the last 10 months? Could the email he sent to friends/parents to 'tell his side of the story' be a last ditch attempt to say all is not how YOU tell your mutual friends?

Completely agree

Original poster

torontonian · 26/05/2016 21:41

How many more letters have you sent during the last 10 months?
Thiscwas the second. First was when he emptied our joint account.

Could the email he sent to friends/parents to 'tell his side of the story' be a last ditch attempt to say all is not how YOU tell your mutual friends?
I already said that I have only talked about the OW with my 2vfriends from daycare since we had a "group" with OW, the four if us. I haven't discussed any details with mutual friends.

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 26/05/2016 21:51

I am treating him way better than I should and caring for him more than I should.

Correct

Now stop it

The party is over - stop thinking about it

Seriously. Get a grip

Hissy · 27/05/2016 07:53

Did you get half the joint account money back?

I agree, just detach and ignore the little fucker. He made his choice, let him take the fallout.

Stop making him look better than he is

Just communicate for the kids, nothing else.

Original poster

torontonian · 03/06/2016 01:09

Hissy Joint account - all ins and outs go there until we get a financial agreement in place. So it is complicated, and no, he didn't put any money back. He spends about $10k/month on the credit card and pays it off when there is a deposit on the account, so it is often empty! According to my lawyer he is entitled to spend money ($5000 only in furniture!), so am I. But I am the only one who worries about not paying the mortgage or getting into debt

OP posts:

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