XH sent email to birthday guests

[torontonian]

Today was my DS 3rd birthday and my XH sent an email 20 min before the party to some of the guests. I dont know the full text but basically: I didnt let him come to the party and if somebody wanted to know what REALLY happened with our separation they could reach to him (he had an affair with someone everybody in the party knows but still denies 10 months later).

So this is a school setting. The OW lost 2 friends from this group and recently had to cancel her DD bday because nobody was coming. Mind you I have kept quiete, only told 2 people from school (friends not just anybody) and I am pretry sure they have kept it private. But these two morons think OW losing friends or people not coming to her party is my fault. And after having an affair while I was pregnant, lying to me (OW was my friend and at my house almost every weekend) cheating, deceiving, I still need to put up with revenge. Wtf!?

One of the persons he sent the email to is my friend but she didnt tell me yet (I know through second friend, who did not receive it). Do you think I should ask her to forward it to me? Wait until she mentions? I want to know what it says exactly but sont want to make her feel uncomfortable.

I dont want to turn a blind eye. Keeping quiet is not doing me any good. The more they punch me and I say nothing the more thwy think they can do to me. I need to stop them. And I want the text in case he has vulnerated my right to honour. Snougj is enough.

Divorce him naming OW if you want to and move on

That would just continue the drama. To divorce on grounds of adultery he would need to agree to it.

Why on earth does your ex need to be present for the party?
It's clear that your relationship us very strained.
This was a b'day for your ds with HIS friends from school.
Agree on who is organising the class party and organise two parties, one at your house, one at his, and don't mix up.

Doing things together is working when both parties are reasonable. That's not the case here. Better do things completely separate forcthe time being.

I'd be telling everyone your side of the story - why should you hide it. I'd want to know as well what's in the email.

Him speaking badly of you says a lot about him rather than about you.
People who don't know you will want to stay clear and uninvolved in the quarrel. They are not going to text him back asking for information.
The ones who are closer to you will know (and probably will chose sides but I suspect it has already happened).

I would be more concerned about him not following your agreement with the dcs (see the story with the babysitter) and the fact he is likely to bad mouth you to your dcs.

I would be looking at what can be put in place and how the handle a situation where he is using the dcs to play dirty (clearly they weren't expecting the sort of backlash they've had).

Just one question: do you have any idea as to why the OW's dd had no one coming to her party? I really dont agree about cheating but I'm :( if this means she us the one to get 'punished'

YY about telling people about the cheating. Why should you keep quiet about it?

Ffs, OP is having a SHIT time, having been treated like dirt by these people. She was pissed off at having to do all the work for this party and probably not looking forward to being the focus of attention amid all of this grim tacky drama and lost her rag, tacitly uninviting him.

I am guessing all the people calling her immature would have been really lovely and totally grown up about it and just got on with things with a wintry smile?

Funnily enough when people have been shit all over publicly, they are not always at their stellar best.

It's some of you lot who need to grow up. 'Tacky'? Show some empathy.

I feel really sorry for you. He is a total shit.
Going forward I wouldn't try to accommodate him on my days - let him have his own celebrations for the kids if he can be arsed. Just go ahead and please yourself. Keep all evidence - if you want to you can see a solicitor about harrassment. He's been dumb enough to provide a paper trail.
I think everyone knows that he is in the wrong. It's normal for people like him to try and rewrite history. Keep a dignified silence with the playground mums - the more dignified you are, the more of a twat he makes himself look.

Fwiw I think you are doing really well and I defy anyone not to have reacted in your circumstances

I have empathy for the poor child that had no one turn up to their birthday party because adults were punishing the child for actions of the adults, tbh.

If they were doing it in some way to 'stand up' for OP then I would be having words with them. No way to treat a child.

I dont want to turn a blind eye. Keeping quiet is not doing me any good.

Sorry. Suck it up.

The only way he will stop is if you stop biting.

You've done nothing wrong and anyone worth their salt will know that.

However in biting you do give him something to complain at and criticise you for. Plus you hurt your child in the process.

Rise above it. You have no choice if you want to keep the moral high ground and don't want your 'image and honour damaged' as otherwise you just look petty.

Oranges I agree, although it's hardly OP's problem and probably the least of her concerns

Red, English is not OP's first language, as she has said up thread, hence the 'image and honour.'

She's already acknowledged she may not be using exactly the right words, as a native English speaker might.

Er, what the heck has that got to do with anything.

She used the phrase, I just repeated it as its clearly important to her.

Don't get your problem.

You were mocking her a little bit.

But let's just pretend you weren't eh.

Torontonian 💐 Ignore him. He's obviously a complete idiot - others will work that out for themselves. I wouldn't keep their dirty little secret, he seems happy to tell others 'the truth' why shouldn't you? There's no need to take out an advert in the local paper, but there's no need to pretend the affair didn't happen either.

He's actually done you a favour by leaving, he's horrible to you.

It's sometimes difficult to be clear & get your point across in a language that isn't your native language, let alone when you are upset & angry. It's all still quite new & the OP is still finding her feet. She has a small child, a baby & a cunting twat of an ex. Give her a break!

Wow - He's still being a total bell-end then?
Nightmare of you but you are doing great.
Try to ignore as much as possible.
Keep going and keep strong.

Oranges I agree, although it's hardly OP's problem and probably the least of her concerns

I didn't say it was the OP problem. However if they were doing it in support of me (if I was the OP), which would seem to be the case I would be telling them I didn't approve of what they have done.

Is the poor child not going to be able to have a party in the coming years because adults are behaving childishly?

Err. No I wasn't.

It was an odd phrase, which is why I quoted It, because as I say it was clearly something important to her. Not because I was mocking. No pretending about it. But yeah you believe that if you want.

Oh Ok then, Red.

Oranges, OP may well have told her 'supporters' just this. Or she may have decided she just doesn't want to get involved in other people's reactions to the hideous thing that has happened to her, not wanting to draw any more attention to it or engage with side-quarrels.

I imagine she has been going through utter hell. And I also imagine it's been the talk of the class.

Having been through something similar (but the public arena was work, rather than school) I can tell you that all you want to do is hide away and cry. Some of my 'supporters' did and said things I might not have approved of but I was terrified of more drama and the last thing I wanted was to engage with it.

I think he's put you in a position where it would be foolish of you not to tell people, when it comes up, about the OW.
And as someone said upthread, disengage. Easier said than done, I know, but not giving a fuck can be a conscious decision. It's so much easier then. I do DC parties and all the work- DXH comes and I treat him as one of the guests. And disengaging means that we can get on with parenting DC (and I've even reached a place where I can refer to him as DXH and not just XH!)

and recently had to cancel her DD bday because nobody was coming

I don't like the gloaty tone of this snippet OP, and how it's confused with her mum's promiscuity. Poor kid didn't do anything wrong.

I was all set to feel sorry for you until that bit.

Your (both of you) poor kids. Yeah just a party ... but over the years the squabbling will hurt them deeply.

He's a pain in the bum. The best defence against somebody else's drama is to act bored - fake it till you make it.

I don't like the gloaty tone of this snippet OP, and how it's confused with her mum's promiscuity.

Sorry if it sounded like it. I just mentioned this as it seems I am being punished for it. Their birthdays are 2 weeks apart and I feel this email was her revenge on me because she thinks I am to blame.

Again, I repeat, I have only told 2 people my story, and pretty sure they kept it private. How are some of you also blaming me for the birthday cancellation!? Should I be her guardian angel now and make sure she doesn't step on a shit because that would be on me? Really?
OW is just... digging her own grave. He made a scene with a fire marshall in the daycare parking because she got a fine for parking in the handicaped spot. Director of the center had to intervene to calm things down. I wasn't there, but gossip travels fast. I am sure other parents know of the story and maybe more. I am sorry, but it is the OW behaviour reflecting on her life and her DD's and not my doing.

So what if he made a scene and she got a ticket - none of your business - detach from them and their dramas

Sorry, OW made a scene about the parking, not him.
The two friends decided by themselves not to talk to her. I never gave them to chose. I did not even tell friend#2 about the affair, OW did! And it has to do with their morals. They don't want to be friends with somwbody like her. I understand that and it is not for me to judge.