XH sent email to birthday guests

[torontonian]

Today was my DS 3rd birthday and my XH sent an email 20 min before the party to some of the guests. I dont know the full text but basically: I didnt let him come to the party and if somebody wanted to know what REALLY happened with our separation they could reach to him (he had an affair with someone everybody in the party knows but still denies 10 months later).

So this is a school setting. The OW lost 2 friends from this group and recently had to cancel her DD bday because nobody was coming. Mind you I have kept quiete, only told 2 people from school (friends not just anybody) and I am pretry sure they have kept it private. But these two morons think OW losing friends or people not coming to her party is my fault. And after having an affair while I was pregnant, lying to me (OW was my friend and at my house almost every weekend) cheating, deceiving, I still need to put up with revenge. Wtf!?

One of the persons he sent the email to is my friend but she didnt tell me yet (I know through second friend, who did not receive it). Do you think I should ask her to forward it to me? Wait until she mentions? I want to know what it says exactly but sont want to make her feel uncomfortable.

I dont want to turn a blind eye. Keeping quiet is not doing me any good. The more they punch me and I say nothing the more thwy think they can do to me. I need to stop them. And I want the text in case he has vulnerated my right to honour. Snougj is enough.

Costacoffeeplease just claryfying I didnt have anything to do with her DD party as lots of comments point that way. I am sorry for the little girl, I treat her exactly as before (only don't have her over - 3 years old don't come on their own), but it is OW behaviour hurting her own DD and not me. The parking story is just another thing why some parents may have decided not to attend her party. But again, not my business to analize it.

No it isn't

I didn't mention the party by the way

I know a couple who are going through a divorce. One of them e-mailed everyone they both know to dish the dirt on his ex, positioning himself as the wronged party. He didn't garner sympathy, he just looked like a twat (and this is what people will be thinking about your ex's e-mail.)

Choose dignity. It's always a winner. You can be truthful about why you are divorcing, without seeking to get people on side. Just be factual if they ask, or if it comes up in conversation and is relevant, and leave it at that.

It will also help you to move on if you don't stoop to spatting with him, even by proxy. The less you engage, the less it is on your mind, and the more you can leave it behind you and get on with your new life.

but it is OW behaviour hurting her own DD

No its adults that are punishing the DD for the actions of her mother.

From your posts, I'm getting the feeling you have kept a very low profile and told few people the reason for the split.
However, your ex and the ow haven't been as neutral. And they have a history of creating problems fur themselves, eg with the parking spot.
But somehow they think it's all down to you and that you are taking revenge so want to get revenge on you for some revenge acts you've never done. Is that right?

If this is the case, then the best is carry on being as neutral as possible. They are digging their own grave already by the sounds of it.
Carry on venting on MN, talk to a good friend in RL and ignore.

What an awful situation. But I have some advice-disengage from anything & everything that is not related to your children. As adults, we mess up. But this is the doing on people who should know better.

I'm slightly hypocritical saying this, as when xp & (one of his many) ow, got together, it hurt & I, initially, went OTT.

After initial shock..I gave neither of them the satisfaction of getting brought into their drama...

Cool yes it is but it has nothing to do with the OP

Cool yes it is but it has nothing to do with the OP

Haven't said it has.

If they are doing it in some way to come accross as supporting the OP then I personally would tell them it wasn't necessary and not to do it.

before anone jumps on me I was in a similar situation an left at 36 weeks pregnant

I am also confused. One minute he's invited and the next he's not because he didn't help.

Most men won't help with these things unless you specifically ask them to. My kids are all teens now, but I have single handedly organised all their birthday parties and I'm married (to their father)

I'm better at doing these things and I wouldn't really trust him to do it anyway.

Now as far as the OW and her DDs party being cancelled because no one was coming, that's all on her. You can tell as many people as you like about the affair.

That it has affected her DD is entirely her own fault

Maybe next time she'll think twice about having an affair with a MM. Actions have consequences and her daughter is paying the price because her mother betrayed a friend and has loose morals.

Let this be a lesson to OWs out there. The affair isn't just about you. Your kids can be affected too. Now you see how having an affair can make you a crappie mum.

I sympathise with the OP, it must be horrendous to be pregnant, have your husband cheat on you and then shack up with the OW.

However, OP you need to back away from all this drama. Agree days, don't deviate. Hold parties don't invite the child's other parent. Discuss only child related matters with your Ex. Be very clear in all communication and if you feel like you want to shout and scream at a situation don't give him the satisfaction of seeing him wind you up.

And finally if you are not divorced start proceedings and get visits agreed. The stress of all this drama will effect you and more importantly your children.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you've had a very difficult time.

I think separating yourself from him as much as possible is the way to go. Don't give him any space to try and make it all about him. Have everything as formal as possible and set in stone. Stick to the parenting agreement - it's obvious from the birthday drama that he will want maximum involvement for minimum effort and if you dare to demand any support (mind the kids, order food, arrive on time) he will go crying to his audience about how awful you are.

Get divorced properly, custody agreements set in stone, maintenance set up and paid automatically. Don't bother with the "first refusal" thing, to be honest, he's the kind of person who is only going to use it as a stick to beat you with. As in "she can't be bothered to mind her own children on HER days so she wants me to do it while she's off having fun - spending MY maintenance money". Find reliable alternate childcare and rely on him for nothing extra. Next birthday, do separate events. No giving extra time on your days - he's the kind of person who would complain about never seeing his children and complain that you're using him for free childcare, all in the same breath.

Only do one small token gift for your ex for Christmas, birthday and Father's Day (card and socks or a keyring!) until they are old enough to go by themselves. But you won't get one for your birthday or for Mother's Day, that will probably go to OW since your ex is so determined to make her the wounded victim and you the bad guy. (However, in order to set up expectations I think you should ask a friend to take your children shopping for a gift for you on these days and give her a small sum of money to let them spend. Children love to give gifts, your ex won't do it and then you won't feel as resentful down the line when your kids get excited picking out something for Daddy but never think of Mummy because nobody thought to make your birthday special.)

You do need to take him out of the equation as much as possible, as previous posters have said. Don't give him space to create drama.

Im curious as to why some don't think the mother is responsible for people boycotting the party which affects the OWs DD.

It's not unusual that people don't wish to mix with cheaters or have their DCs around them either.

Being a responsible parent isn't just about feeding and clothing your DCs. It's about recognising how your actions can affect them and thinking through before you do things.

A similar thing happened in my DCs school and in the end the OW decided to take her DCs out of the school because other kids weren't inviting her DCs to birthday parties anymore.

It's not a really bad call to have an affair with another school parent, a colleague (especially your boss or subordinate) , a family friend or a relative. The impact is far reaching.

Not that having an affair with a random person is the way to go by the way - it's just a lot worse with the above group of people.

It's not the OP's fault that her husband had an affair with another woman AT ALL. It's not her fault that this OW's children have been affected by this.

If anyone is to blame it is the husband, because he cheated on his wife and moved in with this OW.

But it is certainly not the OP's fault.

Nor is it any child's fault. That is the point I'm making.

I haven't said I don't think the OW is partly responsible. I also think that taking the actions of an adult out on a child isn't good either.

Certainly not the child's fault! Don't think anyone would say that.

Sandy did ask why people didn't blame the mother (I assumed the OP) that was my response :) as I don't think it is the OP fault that the OW child is suffering. I do think it must be horrendous for that child, and that's the person I feel most sorry for in all of this.

BTW - am also totally bloody confused by the actual story

And agree adults need to behave like adults - if it was my DC who was invited to that party, I would still let DC go.

You don't have to like someone to be civil and the children should not be the ones to suffer, but sadly they so often are.

Thank you everybody for the responses. I have tried my best to explain, sorry it is confusing. When I said I want to stop all this I meant legally.

By the way KittensandKnitting, my DS was invited to OW DD birthday, that fell on my weekend and I switched the day with XH so DS could go. OW DD and DS are friends and I support that.

Thanks TheVeryHungryPreggo. I found your post really useful. We have a partial parenting agreement (still need to deal with holidays and special days but we have a two weeks "rotation"). You are so right about the gifts. I keep yelling one of my single friends why is important for her to celebrate her own birthday with her DD. My XH didn't acknowledge my birthday (didn't even say happy birthday - and we were still living under the same roof) and he did the last pickup before mother's day and left my DS's craft at school . I feel that teaches my DS mommy is to be looked down while we recognize daddy and my PIL do all the pomp.

*telling my friend, not yelling lol

It is of course not OP's fault, problem or concern that OW's DD's party ended up being cancelled. It is not her place to chide other people for boycotting the party. She has enough on her bloody plate.

These kind of derailments happen a lot. Some posters pick out one sentence where OP may or may not have been whiter than white - usually in dealing with a horrendous situation - and pick at it.

I think OP has been very patient and reasonable. I might have left the thread by now.

You deserve a bloody medal for that OP, as whilst supporting the DC that must have been very very difficult for you!

It is an awful situation you find yourself your in, but you will get through it!

These kind of derailments happen a lot. Some posters pick out one sentence where OP may or may not have been whiter than white - usually in dealing with a horrendous situation - and pick at it.

It is an open forum. You can't dictate what people take out of an OP and chose to discuss.

And we'll done OP for being able to allow your DC to still go to the party. It must have been hard for you to do.

It is a shame that other adults weren't so grown up about it.

I wouldn't bother buying him father's day cards and all that bollocks. I know it might be the mature thing to do but I would let the kids make a card at home if they asked to and nothing more. Not unless he started making an effort for mother's day etc. To do all that for him with no reciprocation screams doormat to me. Let OW sort all that shit out, if she is so inclined.

I agree with disengaging as much as you can. You know yourself he's just trying to make you react angrily so that he can tell everyone that you're the unstable, aggressive one.

Never rely on him or ask him for any sort of childcare. Keep your communication brief and emotionless.

Lastly don't even give a second thought to his email. It will have completely shown him up as a bitter, vengeful, self absorbed idiot!

for you. I have an ex like this and it can be tough.

It's not a really bad call to have an affair with another school parent, a colleague (especially your boss or subordinate) , a family friend or a relative. The impact is far reaching.

I meant to say it's a really bad call to have an affair......

To clarify when I said the mother being responsible, I meant the OW/mother of the DD whose birthday it was.

I think the OW should take 100% of the responsibility for people boycotting her DDs party. If she didn't have an affair the boycotting would not have happened.

Which is why a responsible parent thinks through their actions and assesses how other people will be affected. The problem is people in affairs just get so caught up in their secret rendezvous and illicit sex that they selfishly forget anyone else.

I'm sure the other parents knew that the OP and OW were once friends and if she ( the OW) can betray her pregnant friend like this, it's no suprise they want to stay well away from her in every sense.

If I was stupid enough to do anything like this and it affected my DCs I would only have to look in the mirror to find who is entirely to blame for that.

OP, I think you were exceedingly gracious to do a swap with your STBXH letting your DS attend the party to play with her DD. What a shame she (and your STBXH) didn't give a f**K about your DCs when she was having it away with him.

Selfish people cause untold devastation to others, then have some expectation that people will care about them or their families.

The same way OWs don't think they owe the BW anything because ... you know as they so often say they didn't exchange vows with her - well that's the same way nobody else has an obligation to care about the OWs kids and whether they get hurt in all this.

I have no legal obligation to care or look out for anyone else's DCs except my own. I may have a moral obligation to do so, but that's the same moral obligation the OW should have not to have an affair with a MM.

Has she thought about her part in the breakup of your family and how your DCs have been affected. Now her DD sees your STBXH more than his own kids do.

The OW in our school went to see the HT and said her DCs were being bullied by exclusion, as they weren't being invited to parties.

The HT said it had nothing to do with school and she had no remit where it came to parties outside school hours.