XH sent email to birthday guests

[torontonian]

Today was my DS 3rd birthday and my XH sent an email 20 min before the party to some of the guests. I dont know the full text but basically: I didnt let him come to the party and if somebody wanted to know what REALLY happened with our separation they could reach to him (he had an affair with someone everybody in the party knows but still denies 10 months later).

So this is a school setting. The OW lost 2 friends from this group and recently had to cancel her DD bday because nobody was coming. Mind you I have kept quiete, only told 2 people from school (friends not just anybody) and I am pretry sure they have kept it private. But these two morons think OW losing friends or people not coming to her party is my fault. And after having an affair while I was pregnant, lying to me (OW was my friend and at my house almost every weekend) cheating, deceiving, I still need to put up with revenge. Wtf!?

One of the persons he sent the email to is my friend but she didnt tell me yet (I know through second friend, who did not receive it). Do you think I should ask her to forward it to me? Wait until she mentions? I want to know what it says exactly but sont want to make her feel uncomfortable.

I dont want to turn a blind eye. Keeping quiet is not doing me any good. The more they punch me and I say nothing the more thwy think they can do to me. I need to stop them. And I want the text in case he has vulnerated my right to honour. Snougj is enough.

Sorry you are going through all this. His email will speak volumes to people on its own. You really don't need to say anything else; don't descend to his level.

My strategy was not to expect anything and whilst it really wasn't fair, it was a lot easier because I knew what I was doing and it didn't allow any opportunity to be messed about or let down.

It will pass, it's really unfair but just rely on people you trust and who will support you. My DM always says 'don't fight with pigs; you'll all get dirty but the pigs enjoy it'... Head high and don't waste your time or emotional energy fighting with the mucky buggers!

You can't let yourself worry about what he's saying to other people.
The people that like you will think he's a wanker, the people who like him won't like you any way. Any neutrals hearing him criticising you will think badly of him.

If you engage in it, it will just get worse. Ignore it.
I say that as someone who had a woman noisily bad mouthing me and my DD for 18 months.
She ended up being thoroughly disliked and no one trusted her an inch. All while I said not one word.

How do you vulnerate someone ?

One of my friends' exes did something similar when they split up. I can assure you more people thought he was obviously a complete nutbag than thought she was a nasty bitch.

It all sounds very hard but prolonging the drama is doing no one any good. As a pp said expect nothing from him.
Minimise contact. If anyone asks about the email be truthful.

You have many, many years ahead to co-parent your children this level of drama and he said / she said will exhaust you.

One hour into the party he was not there yet and I sent a message asking if he was going to show up.

What do you expect? You told him he couldn't come! If he had come anyway you'd have been raging.

Then I have just noticed: He never understood I was blocking him from coming. and So he totally invented the "uninvite".

You really are contradicting yourself here.

So you say you told him not to come but didn't expect him not to come and can't believe he took that you saying he couldn't come meant he couldn't come, and now he has emailed people saying you said he couldn't come (which you did) and that's all a big LIE as although you told him not to come he doesn't take any notice of you usually so any fool would know it was meaningless and didn't count.

Oh come ON! You need to own your part in this.

Not that I feel sorry for him, he sounds pretty awful.

Really don't worry about the email. If I had received something like that, I'd just think "What an idiot" and, if anything, I'd feel all the more supportive to you.

noeuf he has DS overnight and DD goes 2-7pm. That is what he had DS already means. Kids are back with me Sunday at 7, and that is when I went to pick up the cake.

Lots of comments about inmaturity. I agree it was a knee-jerk reaction. It was said in the heat of the moment and it comes after lots of building up. I am not perfect and I have hot blood. Not proud of it I admit but I NEVER blocked him from seeing DS as I offered time after party (it was DS day with me but it was also his birthday so I offered time to XH). I always put my DD first. Why if not I would have invited XH to the party in the first place!? Certainly not to see his face. And it wasn't invite/uninvite or playing games. Just a "I can't stand you anymore" reaction.

I take all the comments advising to keep communications to the minimum. I am definitely trying because he knows how to push my buttons and is constantly trying to make me slip so he can show people how bad I am and therefore he didnt have an affair, it is me who is crazy... Everything he does is an act for the public.

Not turning at a childs birthday and having to cancel doesn't have abythijg to do with me. OW invited a bunch of people and apparwntly had to cancel because nobody was going. NOTHING to do with me. And it was just a comment about they think everything that happens to them is because I move my dark strings...

I think it's terrible if people are keeping their kids away from OWs child's party cos of what their parents have done. That's not nice al all.

don't fight with pigs; you'll all get dirty but the pigs enjoy it I am going to copy this in a postit by my laptop

He acted as host, so I expected him to do something. It was DS party not my party, therefore I considered just fair that we both parents could be there as it was DS wish. But this didn't go well so separate parties for next year for sure.

And the text I sent to XH asking if he would show up just proves that I didn't mean to bar him from the party. Put it in context. I didn't yell at him "dont you dare to come". I wrote a "forget about the party" after he could not do a single thing nor take DD for a couple of hours (for a party I repeat he was host)

This was as stupid as you want. Two people divorcing fighting. And it was private. Making it public was meant to harm. So nobody here think is worth to stop him now before he thinks he can do whatever he wants? (He has been speaking ill of me for months to his and common friends, but what he did today is beyond pale.

Footle sorry if vulnerate didnt make sense. English is my second language. Break my right to honour?

I'm sorry this arsewipe has hurt you but for your own sanity you must disengage from him. This level of drama will negatively effect your children, so don't feed it. Sort out a fixed contact schedule which will help in keeping contact to a minimum and keep communication to strictly about contact.

You can not stop him from talking shit about you, only how you choose to respond to it. The purpose of the email was to wind you up so you act crazy, so he can sit back and say 'told you, crazy'. Don't include your friends in the drama, so don't ask to see the email and if they ask, tell them you're not interested (fake the disinterest until you actually become disinterested).

While it's still raw you have a duty to protect yourself, by limiting your exposure to him.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards DS birthday fell on my day. AND I offered XH to see DS, even in the same message as the "uninvite" (proposed him to see DS after party).

Well. You can only thank your lucky stars he's your ex and you don't have to live with him.

Otherwise, ignore. Make it a life plan. Ignore him and her. Keep contact to the bare minimum and don't engage in conversation.

He is an absolute idiot. If I got that email I would think 'what a loser' and I would be admiring of you for keeping your dignity.

I wouldn't involve him in anything apart from the bare minimum - eg arranging contact time.

Sorry OP, I just found it all difficult to follow. It's obviously a complicated situation. Hope you can sort it out.

Op,you are not being unreasonable . Your ex and the ow are furious as they were caught out and they are trying to rewrite history and blame you .FAT CHANCE in TO! I wd exclude the nasty sob from as much as possible and then you can build a better life for you and your dcc.Ignore the unpleasant
responses.

Completely ignore the email and the talking about you, the more you engage the more it will escalate

Give nothing back and he'll run out of steam

Rise above it all, always

The purpose of the email was to wind you up I don't think he knew people would tell me. As he didnt know the girl he asked to babysit the kids last week would call me as well (I added the right of first refusal in our parenting agreement, that means kids should be with either parent better than a third party).

How was he acting as host? I honestly didn't pay attention to him during the party.

Disengage from all this drama. Confine communication to the children and their needs. Organise your own birthday parties etc and let him do the same. Don't be the keeper of his secrets, if people ask just briefly say he had an affair and leave it there. Divorce him naming OW if you want to and move on. Let him make a fool of himself but avoid stooping to his level.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards yes, he has both kids the same days mostly. But 10 months old goes for less time than 3 years old. DS stays the weekend, DD goes 5h Sat and 5h Sun.