XH sent email to birthday guests

[torontonian]

Today was my DS 3rd birthday and my XH sent an email 20 min before the party to some of the guests. I dont know the full text but basically: I didnt let him come to the party and if somebody wanted to know what REALLY happened with our separation they could reach to him (he had an affair with someone everybody in the party knows but still denies 10 months later).

So this is a school setting. The OW lost 2 friends from this group and recently had to cancel her DD bday because nobody was coming. Mind you I have kept quiete, only told 2 people from school (friends not just anybody) and I am pretry sure they have kept it private. But these two morons think OW losing friends or people not coming to her party is my fault. And after having an affair while I was pregnant, lying to me (OW was my friend and at my house almost every weekend) cheating, deceiving, I still need to put up with revenge. Wtf!?

One of the persons he sent the email to is my friend but she didnt tell me yet (I know through second friend, who did not receive it). Do you think I should ask her to forward it to me? Wait until she mentions? I want to know what it says exactly but sont want to make her feel uncomfortable.

I dont want to turn a blind eye. Keeping quiet is not doing me any good. The more they punch me and I say nothing the more thwy think they can do to me. I need to stop them. And I want the text in case he has vulnerated my right to honour. Snougj is enough.

Excellent post sandy

Also think Sandy's post is ace.

The thing is, when people are running around having secret sex and deceiving everybody, they are so caught up in the thrill of it that they simply don't think through not only the effect on others (they convince themselves it's out of their control) but the effect on themselves. And that is where the true stupidity lies.

My H had an OW at our shared workplace where I was MD and he was also senior. He had a drinking problem and so got sloppy, but she was the real liability, shooting her mouth off to others and unable to keep from boasting (she was young and in a junior role). I guess the temptation to show off ('I'm shagging Dilys' husband') was too great for such a fuckwit. That's how I found out.

Anyway, imagine her surprise when I discovered the affair and she was out the door the same day. She ended up - by all accounts - in a fairly shitty job elsewhere that she had to find fast (company was fair to her and gave her a reference, even paying her salary up until she found another job but she was physically out that same day).

But the serious consequence was that H was also removed from his position (not just for the affair, which seriously compromised the company's position, but also for the clear alcoholism and just general crap performance. Again, he was assured he was going to get a reference and boss had even had found him a new job for the same salary elsewhere in the wider group). He killed himself before he could take it, mainly as a 'fuck you' to me (I spoke to him just before).

He was a seriously shitty person, yes, who had made my life a misery for months but I heard some months later that OW that been 'shocked' at losing her job and that he had lost his. And of course shocked (as everyone was) that he had taken that decision. But I heard she had imagined if anyone found out that I would just 'probably leave.' She honestly thought she would keep her job and he his and they would get together properly and I would just..... melt away in shame.

After he died it turned out he had had loads of girls on the go, and had been romancing more than one at the workplace (where I was the boss - nice) so she really was a total fool.

I suspect OP's H's OW is shocked to her core at how she has been ostracised.

Wow. There's some real 'sins of the father' types around here. I think it sounds like a toxic social environment all round. Ostracizing a child to punish her for her mother's "poor morals". What a shitty thing to do.

I don't think anyone is ostracizing the child on purpose - it's more that at this age it is hard for the children to socialize eithout the parents being involved and most women don't want to chat nicely to a woman who slept with her pg friend's dh. It would be hard to ignore her at her own child's party, so people have taken the decision not to go.

It is desperately sad for the child, but it equally it is the mother's own fault. She did this to her child, not anyone else.

Thank you Iwill and Dily

For those who have the 'sins of the mother or father' view, what a shame those OW have no morals about hurting the BWs children.

What really gets me is thinking that as an OW you can do whatever and hurt whoever with crappie morals and then try to hold the BW and everyone else to such high esteem and expecting them to take the high road and treat you and yours in a way you could not be bothered to.

The saying 'own your shit' is most appropriate here.

Yeah. Absolutely own your shit. And own the fact that you chose to deliberately ostracize a child over her mother's actions. Your choice.

Very scarlet letter.

Exactly.

Why should the OW and cheating H get away with doing what they like, caring for literally nobody but themselves (inc their own children), whilst if the BW has the temerity to be a bit pissed off and think dark thoughts and ooooh maybe not go out of their way to behave in a 100% stellar and generous way in the face of massive shock, betrayal, humiliation, she is 'gloaty.' A pp said up thread that they lost sympathy for OP when the child's party was mentioned. Really? Have your read what OP is dealing with? You lose sympathy the MINUTE she doesn't behave in a selfless holy way in the middle of what will be THE biggest hurt and shock of her and her Dc's lives.

To suggest that OP's priority should have been to somehow ensure that OW's child did not miss out on a third birthday party is laughable. Literally that is the only thing some posters commented on! On the whole OP.

Because OW's child not having a third birthday party they won't even remember (that is a result of her mother's actions) will fuck them up for their entire lives .

Tabsicle, who is the 'you' here? None of the people who shunned the party are actually on this thread.

Iwill you nailed it with this statement.

it's more that at this age it is hard for the children to socialize eithout the parents being involved and most women don't want to chat nicely to a woman who slept with her pg friend's dh.

Any grown up individual with a smidgen of common sense, who behaves as the OW has in this case and doesn't expect that consequences of her actions will very likely affect her and her family is utterly deluded.

It's that kind of thinking were cheaters refuse to take 100% of the blame that led them to cheat in the first place. Not caring who she hurt in the bid to get what she wanted, regardless of the innocent parties involved.

Then the OW continues being deluded with the thinking that only she has the golden child who shouldn't be affected by her immioral behaviour and never mind about the BWs DCs.

Who would want to keep company with such a person even for a couple of hours? And as a fellow parent (who isn't a friend of the OW), why would I subject myself to being in her company for the sake of her child, when she couldn't care less about the impact of the DCs of her pregnant friend?

When people don't face consequences there is no deterrent for a repeat performance. Next time before she has an affair she'll (hopefully) think about how it will affect her family, friends and her job.

dilys4trevor - Fair. It was a generic 'you', not well phrased. I guess I was just feeling really bad for this little girl, and can't imagine what kind of messages she's internalizing about all this.

Adults can get over themselves and sit in a child's party with someone they don't like, esp when they aren't the directly hurt parties. I don't think children are so good at that.

Thank you everybody for your responses but I wanted advise on how to deal with the email that my STBXH sent to the guests of my DS´s birthday to harm me. It was DS day with me so I was more than fair all the time. First by hosting a party "together". It was understood that it was DS´s party hosted by both parents but the only thing STBXH did was inviting two of his friends, and when asked for help (picking up a balloon or picking DD up a bit earlier) he said no. I got mad, I said "forget about the party" AND in the same message I said you can see DS at pm if you wish. I didn´t have the obligation to facilitate access that day (and he is the one stalling finalizing the agreement for holidays and special days). Blame me for getting pissed off. I own that. The rest was impecable. I facilitated access in a day I didn´t have to, because I thought it was the right thing to do. But inviting him to the party was no legal or moral obligation.

About the OW DD party, it is none of my business. I was not invited, I switched weekends with STBXH so my DS could go. Only two parents from the school know my story afaik (I have kept fuing quiet), so it was not a "boycot" for the affair. Stop blaming the victim -- me*. OW has many virtues besides the affair, but you took it on me no idea why.

I feel sorry for her DD but it has nothing to do with my original post. The only relation is I did not invite OW DD to my DS party, due to as I pointed out before, you don´t drop 3 years olds off at a party. Parents hang out together. And sorry to those who think I should put up with it and have OW invited to my party, wft!?. (I go to other birthdays where we are both invited, that is a completely different story).

And to clarify, I only mentioned OW DD birthday as I believe was the reason they were angry and tried to ruin my DS birthday. OW run to friend#2 to "defend herself against the bad me and tell her her side of the story". Friend#2 was as she had no idea about anything. She told her I am playing victim at her cost and found I had not told a word. She is showing herself up, I am not doing anything, just letting her be. She is her worst enemy.
This email had the same tone, I see her hand behind it, the way he talks about hurting the kids... (so much bullshit) or that I will misrepresent the situation (did he expect me to give a speech telling people that I uninvited him for not helping!?). He knows me better than that (or used to) and this is just her again thinking that I don´t have nothing better to do that proclaiming their wrongdoings and washing laundry with whoever I cross paths. And this is ABSOLUTELY the opposite of what I have done.

By the way, I ended up contacting my lawyer and he has been sent a letter for his unacceptable behaviour that it is also contrary to our agreement of not speaking ill of each other, and in event, morally reprehensible.

No advice on the email but I just wanted to say that I think you are ace.

I am sorry your thread got derailed over the OW DD party nonsense

Honestly? Just ignore the email.

You don't need to do anything about it. No letters, not texts, no response

Literally nobody cares about his little drama bubble. He's missing all the naughtiness he shared with ow before the truth came out.

Ditto the reason for the furore about ow dd party. Nobody cares, it's nothing to do with you, People choose to attend or not depending on their own circumstances. Just rise above it.

If others are making judgements and choosing to swerve a party for a little girl based on the sex life of her mother, that's something the ow will have to deal with, not you. You have absolutely nothing to do with her or her choices.

Stop caring about what others think. You were cheated on and left by a complete prick, he's still a complete prick, but thank god he's not your problem any more.

Don't expect anything of him, don't rely on him and make sure your kids don't either. Let him fail. It's his job to be a decent person/dad.

You need feel no guilt here. The only person humiliating them self here is Mr Cant Keep It In His Pants.

Detach. Shrug and detach

You sent a lawyer's letter over this?

DETACH

You are going to have years of horrific co parenting if one of you won't step up to be the mature adult here.

I feel really sorry for your children.

What you do, is ignore it, ignore everything unless it's actually illegal

WTF @ getting a lawyer involved.

Well done for consulting your lawyer. Your lawyer clearly thinks the content of the email warrant the letter otherwise they wouldn't have sent it.

If they've got a specific term in the agreement about not badmouthing each other, it does make some sense for the solicitor to make it clear that this breach of the term is unacceptable - otherwise there's not much point in having a term like that.

Yes, in hindsight, the lawyer might have been a waste of time since STBXH will likely ignore and probably laugh at me. But also, it is now logged and I can present it if this behaviour continues.
I just wanted to let STBXH know that what he did was unacceptable and although it is not in my personality to attack, it is ti defend myself. I don't like to be walked over again and again.

Yes, it is 10 months since he asked for a separation, about 2 since he moved out. There were and are fights, now mostly over twxt/email and kids are too young and are not aware of it. No pick me dance. There is no going back from infidelity for me and I don't plan to be his friend either.

I don't want to harm him. Only wish I have for him is regret. I wish him he regrets some day of all the pain caused. What I wanted with the lettee is to stop him. I can't stop him from been an idiot but maybe I can stop him to publicly discuss our issues.

*from publicly discuss air our issues