2)Tuesday 20th December, he rang me at work and told me he want to take £40 a week out of our entire income, £20 of which to go to his mum for a long outstanding debt, and he would give me his bank card and therefore control of his account.
Dreading it a bit, can I control 2 bank accounts? I think I can do it better than he controls one. He sees it as failing, but it is just a skill he doesn't have, just like I struggle to get up in the morning, he struggles to control money.
Thursday 22nd December. Have bought Scott and his mother a Christmas present, these are the only ones I asked him to get, but he won't. And it isn't fair that they shouldn't get one. I have signed them from me though. He wanted to take Scott's round, but |I bought it and I chose it, he wasn't even there, he had put no thought into a present for Scott at all, so why should he get the thanks from him? I took it round myself.
Also, I got in contact with the CAB the other day, and and they rang me back on Tuesday. I forgot to say. Basically they want to give me 1/2 an hour with a solicitor after Christmas, to see what my options are. The lady at the CAB says what he has been doing is a form of abuse and a way of controlling me, which is funny as I am the one always being accused of being controlling. I will go to see the solicitor, but the thing is, I don't want him charged with abuse, and I don't want to leave him until I go onto maternity leave and don't have to go to work anymore, because I don't want him to be doing the childcare for Ds1.
Friday 23rd December. Xp comes home drunk and nasty from a night out spending money he hasn't got. He had taken my keys "to Scott's" with him, leaving me with no way of locking the front door. When I rang him at 00:40, he told me to "Can't you find my fucking keys?" (he had taken mine after being unable to find his) but did come home by one am. He had been at the pub, not at Scott's, although he had been with Scott. However, he wouldn't give me the keys so I could lock the door and go to bed. When I started nagging him for them, he switched the computer on and turned his back to me, still having not given me back my keys.
I reached down to turn the computer off, to try and make him listen to me. I wanted to tell him that I resented him spending money on beer, just before Chistmas, when I had spent loads on everyone's Christmas presents and on paying off the rent he never paid. He grabbed my wrist before I hadf chance to say anything and twisted it back. I told him twice he was hurting me and to let go, then I screamed at him to stop fucking hurting me, he wouldn't stop and kept twisting, so I bit him.
He pushed me backwards off the sofa (I had been leaning over the back) and started screaming at me to "Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, you fucking bitch, you nasty fucking bitch, don't you fucking bite me you fucking bitch!". I walked round the sofa to the computer side to shout at him and he rammed the sofa into my belly and stomped upstairs. This physically hurt me, and put me on my knees for about 10 minutes. He scared me enough to make me want to leave so I started looking for my keys again, I checked his coat pocket for my keys and he came running down the stairs. I had his phone in my hand and I threw it, I didn't want him to start hurting me again to get his phone. He grabbed my wrist and started dragging me up the stairs on my stomach, shouting "Get out of my fucking coat, that's my fucking coat, don't you go in my fucking pockets you bitch, you fucking bitch!". He then stopped and stepped over me downstairs.
He went past me to the kitchen, got my keys from somewhere and threw them at me. They didn't hit me, he picked them up and threw them at me again, then he threw my phone at me. I was shouting at him to stop trying to hurt me.
He sat on the sofa, and lay back and closed his eyes, so I opened the front door, went upstairs and waited until I heard a snore, picked up my son and wrapped him in his duvet and ran down the stairs, out of the house and down the road, then I realised he would probably follow me so I turned into the estate, and the only person I really know is Karen Beatty so I went there. From there I called the police, they came, asked me if I thought I should go home and told me they would tell Xp to behave, wanted me to stay at Karen's, I asked them to contact Mum, so they did, I spent the night there.
I went back the next morning, as I had no clothes, shoes or nappies for Ds1
He has made all sorts of promises, but blah blah blah. He lies. That sums it all up really, he just cannot help telling lies, he is violent and selfish, and I just do not love him anymore. How can I love a man who would put a pregnant woman on the floor, when it's his child she is pregnant with? How can I love a man who would risk his child's house and security, just so he can spend his money how he pleases? I feel like slitting my wrists, knowing I am stuck with him forever because he fathered my children. I haven't got prenatal depression at all, he is trying to tell me I belong in a nuthouse, but I know what it is, I just live in intolerably stressful conditions. My bloody hair is dropping out by the handful. I want to cry all the time, I find life a struggle just to get up in the mornings. My day brings me nothing but tears and work. I have no money to spend on myself or the baby or Ds1, because Xp has spent so much on himself, and despite his promises is still doing so. I hate him.
2nd January 2006, ok, putting a little perspective on this, I don't hate him, he just frustrates me by being unlivable. He has agreed that on Friday 6th January he will hand over his bank card to me, and I will take over his account. I will give him £40 per week, he will put £20 in a card for his mum every week. and I will watch him do this. The rest goes on bills.
Lets see if this works, because this is our last chance. I just wish I didn't live with such a child.
Monday the 9th January 2006. He has handed over his bank card, as promised. There is £140 in his account now, I am not intending to make any withdrawals from it except for rent and Xp's £40, £20 of which must go to his mum. I am going to leave a £150 to £200 float in there, but I am going to take the rest out and spend it on baby and house things, family stuff. I am not going to let too much build in his account because I pay for everything out of mine, and if he takes it into his head one day to spend money, I don't want him to spend all the money we have. The float I am leaving in there should cover all his bills he has going out.
God, he makes me laugh when he accuses me of wanting this relationship to end. I am breaking my bloody back trying to make it work!
March 5th 2006
He has been really good with his money. However today he disappear for 3.5 hours and came back drunk. I made him leave, Ds1 was distraught, couldn't understand why I was shutting the door in Daddy's face, but I won't have him drunk around my child, and after the way he treated me last time he got drunk, I'm not having him around me either.
What's really bugging me, is where he got the money for the beer from? He still has his bank card from Friday, I am hoping and praying he hasn't withdrawn from it.
May 21st 2006
Just discovered he has opened another e mail account purely for e bay messages. He had 3 DDs go out, in Nov, Dec and Jan, £17 each. He denies all knowledge of this, he denies all knowledge of the email address. he must think I am a fucking idiot.
I can't deal with the lies any more. I feel so sad and so betrayed. I hate his guts when he lies to me
Thursday September 7th 2006
The broadband got cut off last week, I had to cough up £100 to get it reinstated on Monday. We are behind with the rent - again. He gets at least £30 taken off hi9m per month bank charges.
My counciller is sending him to a budgeting guidance counceller.
I am glad I am keeping this record, as I know how long he has been doing it, I can't forget what he is like when I don't feel like rocking the boat. Everytime I read this, it reminds me of why I must not give up. I either have to control the finances as well as I can, or I have to leave him, because again and again and again, he is jeopardising my children's security.
I won't go into 2007 living with this sort of behavior, I must promise that to myself. QWe will never have anything if he keeps spending and spending and spending.
Saturday March 3rd 2007
After he was arrested a week last Friday and taken to magistrates court, and then hitting me around the face during an argument, I called the police to make him leave. He hasn't slept here since. He is still seeing a lot of the children, which is good, but when they go to bed he has to go back to his room above the chippy. And it is hard when he leaves, it is hard when he is not here to help with the dinner and bathtime, but now if we argue I can tell him to leave.
Ds1 is devastated, and clingy, and his asthma has kicked off.
Sunday 3rd June 2007
Three months ago, Xp was told to leave by the police, and since then we have endured a bittersweet semi relationship, with him still living above the chip shop, and still seeing the kids daily.
I have found him registered on numerous dating websites, and despite his claims than they are 'only to make friends' or 'just to have a laugh', I have found he has been replying to emails from russian girls, claiming to enjoy 'sex on the side' and asking for pictures of them.
Have I got any standards LEFT? I keep letting this man in my house. i buy his shopping when he can't afford to buy his own. He sees the kids as and when it is conveniant for him.
Why am I letting him use me like this?
Last time I spoke to him about him contacting other girls, he apologised deeply for hurting me and promised never to do it again.
Guess he lied about that too. he didn't ever give a shit about me after all - I cannot fucking believe I have deluded myself so efficiently for so long.
15th September 2008
Do you know, I am so glad I did this.
I had forgotten the majority of this.
I remember myself as a bad mother and a nagging nightmare, and I had forgotten entirely what it was like to like with him.
One day, I will put this piece of writing out there, probably on mumsnet, for other people to see that there is a way out, there is light at the end of the tunnel, that a life on benefits can be better than the one you leave behind.
I am settled now. I am never frightened of the post or of Xp drinking, gambling or frittering money. If he fritters his money, I feed him - or sometimes he goes hungry.... but that's up to me. I don't have to feed him, I don't have to compromise what I give my children because he won't compromise what he gives himself.
He moans constantly that he's skint you know - this despite the fact that he earns 40% more than what he did while he lived here. What I know, and what he will never admit, is that the reason he wasn't skint while he was living here was because he lived his life as a parasite.
I love him. I see his face in my children (my beautiful, beautiful children, who deserved so much more and probably won't ever get it) but they are my children. I have them away from his behavior. I can refuse entry if I don't like what I see. I have my sad moments - shame at living on income support, misery when I see other people having jobs they enjoy and feel proud of - but the pressure, for the most part, is off.
I'm glad I wrote this.
I'm glad I came back and read it.
6th November 2015!
It's funny, and frightening, to read this now. Six months after my last post, I met the nicest man. I fell head over heels with him, and he seemed to do the same with me, he certainly said so at the time, although he now tries to claim he was booby blinded. And much as it would be lovely to have a written record of our relationship, I was too busy being happy, and I still am.
2016
I've dug this up because I still get flashbacks. When a man is drunk, when someone throws something down in a fit of temper, unexpected bills, even my fiancee making me jump in a should-have-been-funny stunt, they can all leave me shaking and tearful.
As for Xp, well.
Ds1 has a dot tattoo, on his hand, that Xp's 'friend' put there when Ds1 was seven or eight. It was a dirty needle, so HIV and Hep test was necessary. On my child.
He got a girl of 22 pregnant, despite being nearly 40. The child is dirty, underweight, and aggressive.
He and his girlfriend perpetrated fraud in my name using a catalogue. Actually using about eight catalogues, although she applied to fifteen, and ran up about £1500 in debt in my name. This has taken years to put right and still shows on my credit account.
Ds2 was so distressed at the way XP treated his daughter (his half sister) that he started asking Dp (my fiance) to make armour for her.
SO now we use a supervised contact centre for access. And I do feel so very sad for my children, that it came to this, but considering Xp assaulted Ds1 at the actual contact centre this year (slapping and dragging him up the stars because he tried to leave the room), I cannot imagine how much worse he would have been if he wasn't supervised.
All is as well as it could be. I wish I could shake the nightmares but it is nevertheless better than living it.