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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH just assaulted me

138 replies

LadyMalande · 20/05/2016 20:25

So in the least mumsnetty assault ever DH has just thrown a fruitshoot at me. While I was driving. With DS in the car.

We were having a stupid argument about nothing really. I thought he was being grumpy, he thought I was.

Fruitshoot was in the center console thing. He just picked it up and threw it full force in my face. Then demanded I stop and let him out of the car, which I did. My eye is swollen and tender, small cut by my eyebrow.

He turned up at the house just after I got home, tried to come in. I put stuff in a bag for him and have told him to go. I didn't let him in.

I feel like shit. DS is 3. Asked me why Daddy threw his drink at me. DH does childcare while I'm at work (opposite shifts) so I won't have any for Monday now and nursery is really full.

DS seems ok. Not distressed or anything but I can't believe the risk he put him at.

Not sure where I'm going with this post really. I'm just so sad that he did this. I feel somewhere between numb and devastated.

OP posts:

Report

LadyMalande · 20/05/2016 21:56

Unfortunately it's not account I can touch. Home buying ISA in his name. It doesn't have that much in it. It's just a bit annoying. It's only money though.
I have changed passwords for anything else that might be a concern.

Yes Asprilla it was full. I will put this down as one more reason to not buy fruitshoots. Though there was also a bottle of water available if he'd wanted a healthier weapon.

He's text me saying sorry and that it was unacceptable. I've not replied. What would I even say?

I have an event I'm supposed to be attending tomorrow . I don't really want to go with a black eye.

No idea what I'll do about work Monday. Think about it later is my current plan.

OP posts:

TakingNoBullshit · 20/05/2016 22:02

If she reports to the police and tells them it occurred in the car in front of a child she's going to end up with social services on her case.

tabpepsi · 20/05/2016 22:04

i would keep some distance for now. if would need space as id want him to calm down and reflect.
id probably say "you were wholly unacceptable" and ask him what next but id just want to try and suss out what his position was, but i spose that could be read as fanning the flames.
who could look after ds if you did go to event? is it with friends - they might be able guess something is not ok.
i have genuinely cracked my head into an upper kitchen cabinet door and had a burst eyebrow.
this is awful. i really feel for you.

neonrainbow · 20/05/2016 22:04

So what taking? They might be able to help her. If she's taking steps to get herself away from him then why should she be afraid of that?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/05/2016 22:04

Depending on what you do for work you may want to consider being unfit for work on Monday.

Lots of work places would be more than fine about staff with visible facial injuries not coming in.(obviously if your job is not very secure then I would go in if possible and let them semd you home if they want to).

Do you have family or a good friend you could ring for a bit of support as that may help you formulate everything in your own head. I know you don't want to talk about it now but you never know in a few hours you may feel differently.

AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 22:06

Taking, are you absolutely certain? On the whole, if the mother is taking action to reduce the effect of an abusive partner that is seen as good, imo.

AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 22:08

Completely disagree with tabpepsi. No need to respond and definitely don't ask him what next.

SianSteans · 20/05/2016 22:09

Social services will not be "on her case". What a stupid thing to say. LadyM you are the victim here, you did nothing to endanger yourself or your child. If you do report it to the police you can ask to make an appointment to go into the station to speak to them rathe than have them come to your home.

greenfolder · 20/05/2016 22:10

Sick leave whilst you recover and get yourself sorted out on childcare front?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/05/2016 22:10

If she reports to the police and tells them it occurred in the car in front of a child she's going to end up with social services on her case

Highly unlikely. Reporting to the police will prompt a referal to MASH/ children's services (what ever approach the area uses).

What is most likely to happen to that referal is that it prompts a letter going to the op or occasionally a phone call.

It will say something like we have been notified that an incident occured whilst x was presant at this stage we are taking no further action but should you require any advice or support please contact us on xxxxx number.

This is the most likely result given that the op has not even hinted at previous service involvement so it's likely to be a first incident report and the notification coming via the police indicates that the op has taken steps to protect her child.

The information the police will include will be alleged offender in household still or not, alleged victim cooperating or not.

This makes a huge difference.

A referal coming for another party is likely to prompt a different response.

ohtheholidays · 20/05/2016 22:13

Oh Talking be quiet!My DH is a Police officer and I worked with SS.They would not be on her case as you put it!The OP was a victim of a crime not the one that caused the crime!

OP yes you can speak to them at the Police station,you don't have to speak to them at home if you don't want to,you can take someone with your for moral support if you want to OP(they'll have had other women in the same situation do the same before)or you can go on your own.You can also speak to Womens Aid before you go if you want,they to can offer emotional and practical support.

With work honestly I wouldn't be worrying about it right now.If you can take a day off sick for the Monday I would.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 20/05/2016 22:13

taking SS involvement is a)unlikely b) no bad thing. OP has done nothing wrong.

IWe cannot treat SS as the boogie man and at the same time ask why they don't protect vulnerable children. I don't think ds is a vulnerable child but the only way for SS to find the vulnerable ones is to check.

Misplaced fear of SS is no reason not to report Domestic Abuse.

tabpepsi · 20/05/2016 22:14

as i said, thats just what i'd do, its not asking him to come back.
op might want to respond. she might not. she needs to protect herself right now and keeping distance is the only advice i can give right now.

AnyFucker · 20/05/2016 22:15

Taking and the problem with that would be ?

JeanGenie23 · 20/05/2016 22:15

taking you are wrong, trust me

JeanGenie23 · 20/05/2016 22:18

I don't know where you are in the country OP but if you happen to be anywhere near the West Midlands, I know a wonderful service that can help you in absolutely anything you need, from emergency accommodation, to organising money, food/clothes/childcare. PM me if you want their details x

LadyMalande · 20/05/2016 22:20

I am a bit anxious about social services if I'm honest. I know their role is to help, I have friends who are social workers, and I'm not concerned they'd come snatch my child or anything. Just that being questioned and having people pry into your life feels horrible. I'm introverted and I know I'd find it hard work.

DS would be coming with me tomorrow anyway. That's not an issue. Just concerned about my face, it doesn't look that bad at the moment though.

Work is mostly a childcare issue. I could try phoning nursery Monday am and seeing if they can fit him in for extra days but I know they're really full. I am usually public facing but am training next week so even if I'm still bruised that shouldn't be a problem.

I'm going to take a break for a bit and do some self-pitying. Maybe try and sleep. I feel very drained.

I've done everything that needed doing immediately. I'm going to report it in the morning. I still don't really want to but I think I'll probably regret it later if I don't.

Thank you for all the thoughts and advice.

OP posts:

AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 22:21

Rest well, OP

tabpepsi · 20/05/2016 22:24

glad you have a plan. not surprised you feel drained.

you sound very sensible and its a very personal issue.

TakingNoBullshit · 20/05/2016 22:34

Going on experience of a DF who called the police after her DP was aggressive they said standard practice was that because a child had witnessed it, they had a duty of care to involve ss.

They put loads of rules in place to say he wasn't allowed back to the house until he'd completed anger management course and ss didn't discharge for you months.

But she could have only told me half a story.

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 20/05/2016 22:36

Taking - she probably did. I'm not saying I can speak for every local authority but in general, in a case like this with no history and with the mother acting protectively there would probably not even be an assessment, let alone an intervention. We see much more risky cases than this on a daily basis.
However, having a social services assessment that assesses him as a risk of DV can help in accessing legal aid.

AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 22:50

Then social services weren't " on her case" - they were on the case of an abusive man

AnyFucker · 20/05/2016 22:50

What was the problem with that SS management plan, Taking ?

Do you think a violent mam should have no consequences ? That his family should carry on as normal?, like nothing happened ?

I would say that was good SS management

Oliviaerinpope · 20/05/2016 22:58

You may want to report this so that you have evidence if/when you divorce him. It'll help your case during custody planning.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 20/05/2016 23:09

talking I am not seeing SS as the problem in that scenario.

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