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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just assaulted me

138 replies

LadyMalande · 20/05/2016 20:25

So in the least mumsnetty assault ever DH has just thrown a fruitshoot at me. While I was driving. With DS in the car.

We were having a stupid argument about nothing really. I thought he was being grumpy, he thought I was.

Fruitshoot was in the center console thing. He just picked it up and threw it full force in my face. Then demanded I stop and let him out of the car, which I did. My eye is swollen and tender, small cut by my eyebrow.

He turned up at the house just after I got home, tried to come in. I put stuff in a bag for him and have told him to go. I didn't let him in.

I feel like shit. DS is 3. Asked me why Daddy threw his drink at me. DH does childcare while I'm at work (opposite shifts) so I won't have any for Monday now and nursery is really full.

DS seems ok. Not distressed or anything but I can't believe the risk he put him at.

Not sure where I'm going with this post really. I'm just so sad that he did this. I feel somewhere between numb and devastated.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/05/2016 21:05

Ripe that is a terrible post

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/05/2016 21:05

Fyi.

If you do report this then if needed it will be easier for you to obtain legal aid, easier for you to legal remove his ability to enter the house and much easier for you to manage any potential risk to DS that this incident may highlight.

If you do not report it then the people that matter may treat it as if it didn't happen. (They shouldn't but often they do)

I know you don't wish to think of these things right now but reporting it does not force you to do any of the things I listed but it does give you the option to in the future not doing so may close several doors to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2016 21:07

"He has form for being a bit of an arse, usually just being grumpy and sulky but he has thrown things / punched the odd wall before. I'm aware that I probably made excuses for that at the time. That's not really been a problem for a while. He is still generally a bit moody though and not great at communicating".

The throwing of things and punching of walls comes under the umbrella of domestic violence.

Please talk to someone like Womens Aid and the police; keeping quiet does not help you here. Abuse also thrives on secrecy; time to bust this wide open now.

Do not subscribe to the mistaken idea that abuse is related to "misunderstandings" or lack of communication. If discussion and compromise (the mainstay of mediation) could help in any way most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly.

Mediation assumes both parties will cooperate to make agreements work; the victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates. He wants absolute power and control over you; that is what abuse is all about.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/05/2016 21:08

Fwiw. Personal photographs are hard to use as evidence unless certain criteria exist such as the type of camera and how the images are printed out, yes it is possible but it is quite likely they will be unable to be used for any decent purpose.

VioletSunshine · 20/05/2016 21:10

It still feels like it says something about me
What it says about you is:

  1. You are an excellent driver, handling being assaulted like that while driving!
  2. That you won't take any crap.

Don't be hard on yourself, you did really well here, and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Like others have said, definitely take photographic evidence of where he hit you, maybe a few as it develops 'cause it will likely look worse over the next few days (& keep the fruitshoot if you can, incase you do decide to go to the police). Back them up somewhere he won't know about them, and don't delete them if he asks or even begs you too.

I hope your eye gets better soon Flowers

AnyFucker · 20/05/2016 21:10

Getting your injuries officially photographed is the best route.

TheOnlyColditz · 20/05/2016 21:13

You are in precisely the same position I was in nine years ago. I am much happier now and you will be happy again one day.

Now the nitty gritty.

You need to report this because if he takes you to court for 50/50 residency, you have no proof he has ever endangered your ds unless you have the police take photographs of the injury. Obviously he can't be trusted to care for a child whose life he endangered, you know that and I know that, but you have to be able to PROVE that. I have a lot of experience in this precise situation and I know you're going to be fine x

Tinklebinkle · 20/05/2016 21:13

For a second I thought this was going to be a light-hearted joke thread until I finished the third sentence, then I was and still am, horrified. What a horrible thing to happen to you. Throwing things and smashing fists through walls is textbook violent behaviour and now you have moved onto the next stage. Walk away. Walk away and keep on going. You must tell someone. Please don't underestimate how serious this is. Take legal advice and write notes on your experience. You have been very sensible so far so keep on going, as far away from him as possible. I'm so sorry you have been hurt. Sad Angry

ohtheholidays · 20/05/2016 21:17

I would take a picture of your injury OP and really you should phone the Police,I know you probably don't feel upto speaking to them but what he did was very serious and like you said he not only put your life and his life in danger and any one elses that was on the road near you he also put your 3 year old DS life in danger,he could have caused a serious road traffic accident.

If you don't feel upto speaking to the Police yet you could give Womens aid a ring,they are really good at what they do and they won't put any pressure on you to contact the police they will just offer you what support you ask for.

I'm glad you haven't let him in the house and please ignore the poster who advised talking to him for now the best way you can keep yourself and your DS safe is to go NC with him,do you have any family,friends you can talk to about what's happened?and please don't feel any shame or guilt most of us that have suffered DV at some time in our lifes have felt the same but you have nothing to feel shame or guilt about.

That's why so many people get away with DV sadly because the victim starts to blame themselves.The only person to blame in all this is your Husband.

MistressDeeCee · 20/05/2016 21:21

So sorry OP

But thank God you didnt lose control of the car - what of your child, and other road users, and yourself, if his actions had caused a nasty accident?

I know you have to do the practical things right now but there are some good posters on MN (even tho I moan about MN half the time, folk here can really get you thru some traumatic things) so, keep talking won't you? I hope you can eventually bring yourself to talk to someone in RL tho, its always best if someone else knows

My ex smacked me in the face with some keys once. Cut my lip. I did report it but stupidly didnt want to press charges. However, the police did press charges. He was fined at Magistrates Court, refused to pay fine 'as a matter of principle' (idiot) and thus spent 4 weeks in jail. In the meantime I changed the locks

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

TheOnlyColditz · 20/05/2016 21:22

PS - if there is anything in the house he "neeeeeeeeds!", taxi it to his mother's house immediately. That way, if he tries to use it as leverage to gain access (he probably will) it won't be there.

Similarly, he will most likely accuse you of "not letting ds see his daddy".

You need to keep in mind that Ds's daddy is the same brainless twat that assaulted ds's mother whilst she was driving the car Ds was in. Keep that in mind, hold it tight because when he realises you won't be threatened, he will try to manipulate.

Original poster
LadyMalande · 20/05/2016 21:23

I know you're right about the police. It's the same advice I would give someone else.

The thought of actually dialling the number and telling someone out loud what has happened though is making me feel like I have a hole in my chest. Maybe because it will make it all more real?

I will try and gather some anger rather than fear and sadness and call them later. Do you think I'd be able to go speak to someone at the station rather than them coming to the house?

I'm not particularly worried about him returning. He has no keys, hadn't taken them out because I had mine and he told me when I gave him his bags that he was going to a hotel and that he had money (which I assumed to be a bit of a dig, the only extra money he would have access too is the house deposit savings which have all come from my wages) so I imagine he will be having a lovely night spending on himself.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 20/05/2016 21:24

I hope you are able to call the police, report the assault and have your injury photographed.

And then you get to have your cry in bed.

You are an awesome driver to have not lost control of the car, and it sounds like you have an awesome DS. Sorry this is happening for you.

specialsubject · 20/05/2016 21:26

i'm so sorry.

re cash: do you have joint accounts that need freezing? Don't let him clean them out.

I wish you the best, and safer and happier times.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 20/05/2016 21:29

He was fined at Magistrates Court, refused to pay fine 'as a matter of principle' (idiot) and thus spent 4 weeks in jail. In the meantime I changed the locks

TBH I am quite glad his principles mean that he thought jail was more appropriate than a fine. Well done the police. And well done you for using his time wiselyWink

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/05/2016 21:30

If you walk into a police station you will be able to speak to someone, you may not get a specialist officer initially but you will get an officer.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/05/2016 21:31

Report the card attached to that account missing if you think he is going to spend the lot

Asprilla11 · 20/05/2016 21:36

OP - Sorry to hear about this.

As a side note, was the fruit shoot full or empty?

Empty would be ouch enough but a full one even more so!

AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 21:38

So sorry op. Well done on your bravery

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 20/05/2016 21:39

Can you get to your bank accounts online and change passwords immediately?

MistressDeeCee · 20/05/2016 21:40

SmallLegs thank you Smile he's an arrogant arse, bet he didnt think he would be jailed. The type to stand there and argue with the judge, who no doubt took pleasure in sticking him behind bars

I almost hope this happens to OPs DH and he ends up in court. These men need a lesson, so they don't progress to further violence as they inevitably will...

OP I really hope you can speak to a trusted family member or friend, someone needs to knowFlowers

AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 21:40

Can you get Monday off work, off sick or moving a shift? You may still have bad bruising then anyway.

tabpepsi · 20/05/2016 21:40

not particularly helpful but nonetheless...

completely shocked that your husband threw something that size while you were driving. extremely dangerous.

you're doing the right thing, you need space and it would be frightening to have him anywhere near you right now as he'd possibly sulk or try to deflect and find a reason why you provoked him.

i dont know if i have any advice but if something like this happened me, i'd have a serious think about whether to stay in the relationship.

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 20/05/2016 21:45

If you don't feel able to call the police, at least go to the GP so that you have your injuries on record. It does need to be your decision, but you know what you'd advise anyone else in your position to do.

And if you think he's likely to run through the house deposit savings I'd get those moved to an account he can't touch until everything is sorted out.

dublingirl48653 · 20/05/2016 21:50

thinking of you

as always some great advice here

things will get much better - you have done the right thing