DRY 13

[lilybetsy]

This is the thread for all those who are living, or committed to living, life free from alcohol.

I will quote a sober poster "I'm fitter, slimmer, richer, happier & healthier"

Go sober warriors !

Sorry you're feeling so low Rosie and I hope your tests come back good. I know that feeling of wanting to obliterate the world for a few hours but the problems will still be there in the morning, only with hangover to contend with also. Well done on your 70days!!

Thank you onewhitepillowleft, I may make myself comfortable here I think Will probably sign up to Soberista again too, get my sober toolbox armed again. Stop off tomorrow to stock up on some nice AF drinks.

I know I'm making the right choice as I cannot do moderation at all. I miss feeling happy and healthy. Ds has started noticing when I'm drunk and mentions it the next day telling me off. I need to set a better example.

It's the 11th bonfire night here, traditionally a big drinking night. Glad to be sitting with a peppermint tea for a change.

I can't do moderation either. I think I have, finally, clearly accepted that I am not the person who can have a beer in the afternoon on a sunny day and then go and make tea and wash up and do all the normal things. I am definitely not the person who has a glass or two of wine over the course of a long evening at a social event. I'd like to be - I really would - but I am not. I am the person who gulps drinks, is always looking around to see that the wine hasn't run out, that someone else isn't emptying the bottle, that there's going to be enough left for me. It makes me greedy and selfish and boring and when I'm pissed I say stupid things and flirt and become unreliable and am just such a horrible person to be around.

For me, that change in thinking has really helped. I am not choosing between peppermint tea and or a single glass of wine, sipped slowly with a meal with friends. I am choosing between peppermint tea and a night-long binge that will leave me sick and anxious and full of guilt and shame the next day, so anxious that the next evening I will have to do it all again just so I can sleep. THAT is the actual choice I have, and that one is easier to make.

So long as I keep those facts straight in my head, I am not tempted.

Your 'facts' might be different - and I'm no expert - you've had longer sober time than I have and I am nowhere near thinking I have this cracked or getting cocky - but this is just a bit of insight I've had over the past couple of weeks that might help you or someone else reading here.

Can't sleep tonight even though I am knackered. But at least I'm not pissed!

Night night everyone.

Hope you got some sleep eventually onewhitepillow.

No, I am sitting here nodding my head at all you have written as it is so familiar. When I stopped drinking last time I remember feeling surprised at how slowly the majority of people seem to drink. I never noticed before as I was usually pissed. They are content to sip a glass or two all night, I take the first sip and begin to guzzle it down. I don't drink to enjoy the taste or slowly unwind, I drink to get completely sozzled.

It turns me into someone I don't like and who does exceedingly stupid things.

New day here, bank holiday so I'm staying in the house to avoid being tempted. Woke up to a break out of cold sores on my lip, tend to get them when I'm run down. Had the best night's sleep though, literally felt as if I passed out. The street was quite noisy with parties going on and I suspected they might have kept me awake but I heard nothing.

May go and clean the house as dp is visiting later, can't let them see what a slattern I really am

33 days !! 33 DAYS !!!

I never thought I would get this far (long time lurker and failed serial giver upper of three years)

Also - usually it would be a despondent 33 days but my heart is rejoicing today. KOKO - and even if ppl don't post we're getting strength and hope from those who do

Morning everyone!

Skipped yoga yesterday, as spent the day trying to stay awake and feeling dreadful. Did manage to do yoga this morning though - although told Adriene that I hate her for the first time ever ('just stay in that pose and breathe into the stretch' really annoyed me as it hurt and I kept falling over!)

But my face looks much slimmer and less red. So that's good.

ho hum. I think the short story here is I feel ill and very sad, but am trying to keep cheerful.

definetly wobbling about sobriety.

I like the pink cloud, but don't like this...

I hope you're okay today finnish

It is harder when you're feeling sick, isn't it? I'm still not feeling great myself. Decided to work at home today (which means lying about in my dressing gown)

I think a lazy day now and again is okay.

Morning all, well done louiseaaa on your 33 days, feels good eh?

Have you got one of these summer colds doing the rounds finnish? Me and dp both felt dreadful all of last week, exhausted, snotty and sick! It's gone now though, hope you feel better soon. Drinking won't help, you know that.

Have been invited out Saturday night and am trying to think of a reasonable excuse although I feel bad about it. It's not just the potential drinking issue, I really need to save some money for the holidays. Which then made me think about the six weeks coming up - yikes - I love my boys, I really do, but the holidays are stressful!! I've slipped every half term this year I think and I don't want to again. There is nothing worse than being hungover with 2 loud, lively and argumentative boys to look after. Need to get some plans in place I think.

33 days is fabulous loiiseaaa!! I think I remember your name from one of the earlier threads, glad to see you are doing so well. I take it KOKO is 'keep on keeping on' ?? Yes, I have been to AA a few times

Lots of self care and a treat today finnish? Being sick, ironically considering it makes me feel so bad, is a trigger of mine.

jojomo would you not just cite trying to save money? I hear you, mine are already in their second week of their holidays. We have 8/9 weeks here for summer It's tough but I know how much being hungover impacts my time with them, really no quality to it at all. I'm going to make some plans myself now and days out for them. I know I can't drink if I've to go out and do something with them and if I tell them what it is there's no backing out. Plus not drinking frees up money to be able to do it.

Hi everyone,

finnish and onewhite hope you are feeling better!

louiseaaa well done on your 33 days and being so positive about it!

jojo saving money is a good reason or could you say you have plans early Sunday?

Summer holidays coming up here too! Wishing everyone luck.

Totally agree I will never be a moderator- I drank to get drunk. Don't even like the taste of white wine- my usual choice of drink. I quite like the alcohol free red wine but would not buy the white version, not because it's a trigger but I never liked how it tasted.

Hi everyone have cried loads today but after talking to my boss this afternoon feel loads better X she is so supportive of me and I've also got docs appt first thing tomorrow and am going to sort counselling again xxx just wanted to say a massive thank you to you all just for being here and making me realise that if I'm going to survive not drinking I need you and need to talk lol xxx it's not going to be easy but it's a good start xxx love to you all and hope you are all well xxxx 💐💐💐💐💐💐

Sometimes a good cry is what you need Rosie, it's cathartic. Your boss sounds lovely and I'm glad you have some RL support too. Best of luck with the doctors tomorrow, hope it goes well and you get an easy gp to talk to. Well done on making the move for counselling, it's not always an easy move to do but I've never heard anyone say they regretted it

Banging headache here tonight. Forgot about this bit.

Had a lovely day with dp today though. We ended up having a doze, very unlike me during the day. Went out to dinner and when we were asked about drinks she kind of looked at me to take the lead on what to order. Think she was expecting me to order at least a beer but I went with soda and lime. Not a big drinker herself so not an issue.

Can't wait for my bed again tonight.

rose keep chatting here, hope all goes well tomorrow.

sirona get as much rest as you need.

Everyone else have a good night

Hi pillow I am doing okay today I had a psych appt anyway and they referred me back to the drugs and alcohol service so I feel some progress is being made :)

Hi everyone

so glad your boss was supportive today rosie. Best of luck with the Drs tomorrow.

Finnish how are you doing? Still wobbly?

sirona well done for the lime and soda. I've been drinking tonic water when I've been in a social drinking situation. It has that nice bitter taste I like, and people probably assume I am drinking vodka so don't bother me.

I also had some of the Feverfew herbal tonic water recently - it's slightly straw coloured and you can drink it and people think you're having fizzy wine.

Just in case anyone feels conspicuous about not drinking, that is...

I talked to someone today about not drinking - just said I'd decided to give it a rest for a while because it was interfering with my sleep and not bringing out the best in me. It was all very low key. She's the first person I've told other than my DH and it was fine. I don't know what I was expecting.

I guess most people really are take it or leave it about the booze. I don't get that, I really don't. I suppose that is the problem!

I am still feeling rubbish. Achy and a bit feverish. Slept crap last night so I am going to try for an early night today because I have a long day at work tomorrow.

LOL namechange fail - I was going to name change for a question about my DP's weight because I thought I sounded like a total bitch but instead I just made a different account because I was too dumb to figure it out - it's Riviera, and yes I'm doing better :D

haha! I've just been going over the thread to find where we'd spoken before lilyweatherwax and then I find you're also riviera. Ah well... :)

Have you used the drug and alcohol service before? What kind of support do you get? I have considered them myself, but I know someone who works there. I know wanting help is nothing to be ashamed of, but I present as someone who always has their shit together - even when it is anything but - and I would find admitting I'd fallen apart a bit really hard.

I'm reflecting a lot today. Just thinking about the brief chat sirona and me had last night about not being able to moderate.

The thing is, I used to be able to. I remember when I first met my DH we used to go out together and I would have one or two small drinks over a very long evening together. I was rarely drunk and never hungover.

What changed it was a very very bad birthing experience. I had full blown PTSD and turned into a monster. The only time I felt calm or safe was when I had hosed down all my emotions with a couple of bottles of wine.

Now I've been treated for the PTSD I am so much better - I really am - and my relationship is just about recovering (though it will take more time) - but I seem to have been left with this drinking weakness or habit.

Do you think it can work like that - a person can have no problem drinking for years, but then they develop a problem, and can never moderate again?

I don't want to drink any more and I am not talking myself back into it - it's just my story doesn't seem to fit with what I'm reading about addiction.

Quite partial to tonic water myself, picked up a bottle earlier. Will have to give the fevertree a try if I see it.

Excellent riviera, are the waiting lists long for the drug and alcohol service?

I suppose everyones experience is totally different whitepillow and there are all different types of addiction and dependency, be it physical or psychological. I know a friend with PTSD and he's a heavy drinker himself, I tnink it's pretty common with the condition.

Thinking back to my own experience I was fine until I had my eldest. Terrible pregnancy resulting in a premature, tiny baby. He was high needs when he came home and slow development and I felt like a total failure as a mum. I boozed as my 'treat' to cope, soon as his dad came home from work I opened the bottle. Looking back I know now a lot of my way of thinking was postnatal depression. Over it now, I'm not depressed at all but it did seem to trigger something in me that views alcohol as that crutch.

Maybe there is some way to moderate eventually for some people but I personally don't think it's worth it to try, especially given my recent lapse.

Placemarking for now if that's ok-reading with interest.

sirona when you said this:

trigger something in me that views alcohol as that crutch

I was in TOTAL agreement. At first it was to calm me down and help me sleep. Then it was for that, but also to unwind after a hard day. Then it was to stop me feeling bored or anxious. Then it was a treat for doing well at something. Then it was to stop me feeling bad about how much I'd drunk the day before and what a crap mother / wife / worker it was making me.

I think I've probably triggered something that no amount of not-drinking-time will ever reset. I don't want to test it though.

Thanks for posting that. I'm sorry you had PND. It's horrific, isn't it? I was totally insane and behaved monstrously for years. Refused all help because there was nothing wrong with me - it was everyone else who had the problem. I look back and it's like I was a different person. I still feel sad about it.

Hugs to you pillow. I'm at day 26 and already the wine witch is saying 'see, you CAN control how much you drink, you're ok, you don't really have a problem' but I know that my past experience after a period of abstinence is that within a couple of weeks I am back to daily drinking.

ATM my goal is to stay AF during our upcoming holiday, that would take me to 50 days. One day at a time for the moment though.

Serious pokes from the wine witch last night - going past the shop on the way home, after my music lesson, after the kids were in bed.

I'm using the same mind tricks I used when giving up smoking 18 years ago- get through the next hour, distract myself. When I quit the fags I knew it had to be for good - I smoked 2 packs a day. It helped that even then it was socially easier not to smoke.

Happy Weds to you all.

Thanks lizzy

I have a new goal - getting to day 60. That feels more manageable to me than deciding today never ever to drink again. Though I think that is what it is going to have to be.

I'm not feeling the benefits I did in the first three weeks or so - but I think that's because I am running a low-level fever and obviously have some kind of mild virus.

Full steam ahead to all of us!!

That's better! I managed to lock myself out of this account as well, I'm getting like my mm when faced with an email.

The drugs and alcohol service here are pretty good, there are lots of workshops and things for various levels of dependency, the abstinence group is the one I'll be joining which is like CBT I guess? referrals take about two weeks (which is really fast, I've been places where it's taken two months!)

That's better! I managed to lock myself out of this account as well, I'm getting like my mm when faced with an email.

The drugs and alcohol service here are pretty good, there are lots of workshops and things for various levels of dependency, the abstinence group is the one I'll be joining which is like CBT I guess? referrals take about two weeks (which is really fast, I've been places where it's taken two months!)

Oh ffs sorry about the double post. Is it mercury retrograde or something.

That's fantastic Riviera and so quick too. The lists here take ages, I know as my uncle is waiting on it.

Thanks pillow and hugs to you. I watch my friend going through PTSD and it not only has a massive impact on him but his whole family. Just awful. Honestly I wouldn't go back to that time of my life for a bucket full of money. I think it's natural to feel sad about it but think how remarkable and how strong you are to come through the other side.

Yes, life's hard and there will always be stresses and strains and reasons excuses to rely on alcohol for. Part of stopping I suppose is developing other crutches and ways to deal with them. I pretty much got addicted to running and exercise when I stopped, part of the reason I believe I started again was not being able to do it anymore as I was resting an injury. Put all my eggs in that basket so I need to work out more. Hope you feel better soon, seems to be a lot of sicknessses going around. We all need some decent sunshine

Anyway day three today. Horrible nights sleep with lots of nightmares. Was horrendously snappy and ill tempered with the dc last night too The boredom is beginning to kick in being off on holidays and they do nothing but fight. Must do the grocery shopping today too, I think I'll be ok to stay away from that aisle as a few days ago are still fresh in my mind.