DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

Do you have anyone in real life you can confide in? A good friend or family member?

You don't have to decide what to do right now, but start thinking about how he makes you feel when he acts like this and whether it's something you can live with. Think about how his behaviour towards you will influence what your kids think a healthy relationship is.

Good luck, and keep talking (here or in real life).

He's not a good man is the bottom line.

He may walk the walk and talk the talk - but what he did to you makes it very clear the type of man he is.

As for 'you wouldn't believe this if you knew me', I can't count the number of people who said this to me after I left my abusive exh. This shows a fundamental misunderstanding of how domestic abuse works - victims aren't poor little passive souls. In fact as a pp said, abusers are often fascinated by strong women they can take apart, like a mechanic, bit by bit.

My exh was right up there with the terrifying mind control but even he wouldn't have tried to impregnate me against my will. ime abusers tailor their abuse to the character of their victim - they know what they can get away with. You have been passive domestically in order to 'have a happy home'. Perhaps you feel you are stronger than him and can be the one to give way? After all he's done for you, as well... Perhaps the abuse, the slow dissembling of a person, isn't conscious, who knows (who cares!): the bottom line is they do it and the result is catastrophic for their victim.

The 'no, no, darling, you can't have the invasive surgery, I'll do it!' re the vasectomy... Then hey guess what he changed his mind. He had no intention of going through with it. His intention was to trick you into having another child. Against your wishes.

Ime abusers can be extremely plausible. The saving you from the gutter thing is not a healthy dynamic (understatement). Wanting you to work at his place? Knowing you were unhappy as a SAHM? Sabotaging your return to work/study? Stating he 'promises' you can get your life back (it's not for him to make that promise, you are not his charge)? Wanting to know where you are because he is 'concerned for you'? All blatant, and chilling, controlling behaviour.

He is not a good man. He has assaulted you. And he's HAPPY about it re pronounced happiness this morning, knowing he has intentionally tried to impregnate you against your will.

Looking at it and taking stuff out of the equation, is he there a lot really to help with the children ? or are you already doing the hands on stuff. Do you have other mum friends? If not don't worry when the children go to school you WILL be able to make them and they will become valuable help to you.
Also I promise you it gets so much more manageable when they go to school, you get time alone, they start to gain independance, they learn all this new stuff and come home chatty and happy and ready for bed. I was like you, I didn't choose motherhood and I panicked when my ex left me with a three year old but it is so much easier when you get a rhythm and school changed everything for us.

It must be terrifying for you right now, but it will only get more terrifying if you stay and let him continue this domination.

Women's Aid are there to talk to you.

Their phone number won't show up on your bill.

MN can be a wonderful support and there are some amazing women here, but if you are isolated a real life voice (as well as this thread) could really help.

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. Or if you can't get through on that line, try your local WA

Also get on the Freedom Programme . You will meet women like you (in my WA support group I met wives of lawyers, bankers, judges, barristers, architects...). Look for your local course here. I can't recommend it highly enough.

I know this feels daunting. I well remember the intense horror and confusion when I began to realise I was being abused. Keep going, keep posting. Many of us have been where you are now

I'm no expert on these matters but you must get contraception sorted. I haven't read the whole thread in detail so not sure why you say you can't take hormonal contraception. I think you should be calling to speak urgently to your GP.
I also think a call to Women's Aid or a rape helpline might help you get things clear in your head about the facts surrounding this horrendous episode. Please keep posting here - I read lots of sensible advice on this part of MN.

And I am another person who outwardly held it together in a previous relationship. I luckily got rid of him as he was EA, but when I tried to talk about it afterwards to a couple of good friends they looked totally blank. I learnt a lot from reading this forum and found my own way forward.

If you can't take hormonal contraception because your DH doesn't like it then you can get the injection and he won't know!

"He doesn't like me taking medication at the best of times."

He didn't want you being sterilised

You had children that (although I'm sure you love them) you didn't really want

Now he's trying to make you go through another pregnancy and childbirth

This man doesn't actually realise or care that you're a real, living human being with thoughts, feelings, beliefs and ambitions of her own. To him you're just a thing, so tricking the thing into doing what he wants is fair game. Like kicking the washing machine to make it start. :(

You poor love, you can't feel safe in your own home. Is there anywhere you can go this weekend?

Honestly I can't get my head around another person caring what medication someone takes, unless it's obviously doing them some harm. What sort of thing does he say/do about it?

metal I haven't read the rest of the thread as I wanted to put this down. That is rape now. There was a court case on exactly this. If you consent thinking a) is the case, but it is b), then the consent is not valid.

This reminds me of a precious poster called GettingBigger. Posters helped her escape her prison.

He's very involved in what we all eat, me especially so and he's completely obsessed with being healthy. He doesn't like me taking medication because it's not 'natural'. He's very fit and well built himself and makes me exercise regularly.

I can't take hormonal contraception because of a family history of blood clots.

Honestly I always just thought he was eccentric and particular. I looked through the abuser profiles and he's none of them in particular, more he has aspects of all of them

MrsHenryWinter, have you called the police or a rape crisis line - in light of what Raisedbyguineapigs states I think you should consider whether an examination for forensics evidence is something to proceed with. I don't know the timescales but please do ring someone who knows for advice as I think the sooner the better.

makes me exercise regularly
MAKES you!!! No-one can make you do anything unless you are scared of them.
Tell him no, next time. See what he does
He's very involved in what we all eat, me especially
Holy hell - this gets more and more awful as time goes on.

he has aspects of all of them
I don't think any of us will be surprised by this.
He's an abuser.
A big massive nasty manipulative abuser

You are starting to see it.
It's why you posted.
Get the Lundy book!

OP you sound like you are on your own with 2 children without any help anyway if he works all hours in the City.

Think about trying the copper coil or the implant or the injection. Do you think the coil didn't feel right because he had said things about it? I know it doesn't agree with some people, but coupled with his reluctance for you to use any contraception, he might have worked his thoughts into your head, leaving you with no control over contraception.

That's legally rape. If it was proveable he would be up for a prison sentence. There have been cases like this.

Terrifyingly bad.

I can't take hormonal contraception because of a family history of blood clots.

Yes you can.

I have APS and I can! There are certain types you cannot, certain types you can. Go see the nurse, if she says no ask another nurse or go to a FP clinic.

You can take the mini pill but not the combined pill if you've got a diagnosed clotting condition, as it stands a family history isn;t even a diagnosis.

MrsHenryWinter this is the second-saddest thread I've read here on MN (the saddest was another started by a woman in your situation whose husband tricked her into a 3rd child and was trying to trick her into a 4th - does anyone remember her? She had to go into hiding, I recall). I feel so for you, for the realisation that you are in an abusive situation. We think it doesn't happen to nice, intelligent educated ordinary women. Or that nice, intelligent educated ordinary men aren't abusive.

I wish I could give you a RL hug and reassure you that no-one who is worth your time will blame you, or mock you, or criticise you. They will - if they are good people - support you and listen to you.

I know this - a friend of mine has just got herself free from a relationship that was controlling and descending into abuse. She is a brave woman, re-finding her real self. She's amazing actually! And I don't know anyone who hasn't been wholeheartedly supportive (apart from her crazy jealous ex).

And you are too, and you will find your real self again. Good luck and I wish you strength and eventual serenity.

Being alone with two children might not be your ideal, but the current situation isn't either.

You could hang on, hoping he'll change. What are the chances, though, when he sounds quite happy with how things are (and what sort of a shit is happy after exposing his wife to a risk of unwanted pregnancy)?

It looks to me like it comes to a 'choice' between unwanted sex, unwanted interference with lifestyle, unwanted monitoring of medical stuff, unwanted interference with work life... or being alone with two exasperating, exhausting, unsought but beloved children. Neither is ideal. The first sounds likely to drive you quite literally mad.

Is the info re your not being able to take hormonal contraception up to date? I have a close family history of blood clots (mum and sister) and I have been on the pill for 20 years.

Outside this awful thing he has done to you I can't believe he won't let you take medication and makes you exercise and controls your food. It gets worse.

The previous poster changed her name to GettingStronger, I think, but then had her threads deleted to avoid being traced.
She popped back on briefly after another name change to reassure people that yes, they were out, and that although things were hard they were so much better than before.

Sorry, OP, didn't mean to sidetrack, and I'm sure your head is spinning too much for any of this at the moment.

Given that APS/Hughes syndrome is a diagnosed condition where your blood DOES clot (as opposed to might do) I would think these guidelines would be considered safe by your HCP:

www.hughes-syndrome.org/resources/factsheets/HSF-APS-SH-Womans-Health.pdf

Essentially you can take the mini-pill.

OP, you don't think you can cope with two children because, very gradually and very manipulatively (is that even a word), he'smadeyou feel like you can't cope with two children. YOU CAN. This is abuse, plain and simple and, as a PP has already said, you must think about the lesson that you putting up with it is teaching the children. All these "little" things that you keep drip-feeding show how horrendous your situation is and it's so sad that you are only just starting to recognise it as such. Having been a victim of abuse myself, I can tell you from experience that it is not until you have released yourself from his prison that you will fully realise that this is abuse. It happened to me over twenty years ago but that doesn't stop me having tears in my eyes as I'm typing this. I hope you find the inner strength and confidence to leave him and I wish you the best of luck. Stay safe xXx

So what else does your Lord and Master approve / disapprove of? Your reading? What you watch on TV? What kind of clothes you wear? What makeup you wear? Who you talk to?

You cannot bring up your children to believe that this is normal. It's not. It's monstruous.