DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

She popped back on briefly after another name change to reassure people that yes, they were out, and that although things were hard they were so much better than before

Yes I saw all that - didn't want to name her, as I know how delicate it was. But it's an inspirational story - she slowly realised that she was in an abusive relationship, and she planned carefully, slowly, calmly (at least her posts seemed quite calm!) to get out.

And she got out, and came & told us all how good her freedom was, and how much she enjoyed life with her little family, safe and able to be themselves, not controlled by her exH. Who controlled when she worked, what the family ate, and so on.

My information regarding contraception is up to date I'm afraid. I can't go into more detail as it would be very identifying.

I don't know what to think anymore. I'm shaking but I need to hold it together. If I told him all this or showed him this thread I think he would say I was mad. I just can't get my head around him being an abuser. Although I know in my rational mind that our relationship is deeply disfunctional.

He adores our children and is very hands on at the weekends.

Please please please don't show him this thread.

OP, your posts are chilling. Forcing you to have a child against your will is actually the logical conclusion of all the control he's enforced up to now, all under the guise of protection. He's not protective. He's a vampire.

Given that he can't help with the children during the week anyway and that if you split up he would probably have them every other weekend, it should be possible to get by without him...?

How are your weekends, by the way? Does he pull his weight? Do you get a chance to see your friends and pursue any interests?

Do you have any friends or relatives in real life you could confide in, OP?

I was thinking about GB too. A very brave woman.

By the way, if I was very unhappy and told my DP about my concerns, he would NEVER tell me that I was mad. He would be immediately concerned, and, even if he thought I was wrong, he would talk with me to try and solve the problem. As would any normal, decent man who actually loved his partner.

Expecting his answer to be "you are mad" just shows you how deeply dysfunctional your relationship is. And the extent to which you have normalised it.

Do NOT show him this thread.

And please clear history and log out on whatever device you are using to access MN on.

I am even angrier on your behalf. As someone with an inherited blood clotting predisposition( and a family history of dvt's that made the maternity hospital so nervous they decided to contact the top haematologist in the Country) I have been through two pregnancies where I had to self administer blood thinning injections several times a day for nine months. Without those injections pregnancy would have likely been fatal for me and my children. However the injections also came with the risk of osteoporosis after long term use, so if you have already had two pregnancies, self administering these injections for the duration of each pregnancy, you are already at a higher risk of developing osteoporosis. A third pregnancy is going to make that risk even higher to the point that you could even develop it during your pregnancy Or in the six weeks post pregnancy.

If your husband already dislikes your using prescribed medication, why on earth would he want you to go through a third high risk pregnancy, risking your life if you don't medicate and risking your health in the long terming you do. Even if I hadn't had my pelvic issues and hadnt been told to have no more children, we would still have stopped at two. My husband felt awful that I went through so much during my pregnancies. I felt awful that my second pregnancy affected my son so badly, I could not have put my children through that again.

What an incredibly selfish and thoughtless man your husband is.

Him exercising a lot and watching his own diet is ALSO about control - control over his health and life, warding off his own mortality.

Your H sounds like scared shitless little boy who is coping at playing grown-ups by exerting his control over everything in his sight.

Love, you are at the beginning of a tough and maybe lengthy journey, but the rewards are likely huge
You have started seeing things as they are and you cannot 'unsee' anything.

I don't know whether you have ever read this? Stickered at the top of the Relationship board and so, so true

He definitely pulls his weight around the house. We do most things as a family but I do go out occasionally to see friends or family. I do always ask first but he usually says yes.

I think he wants to create the 'perfect' family and I'm the centre of that. To some extent he idolises me or his vision of me anyway.

My mind is reeling right now so I won't be making any decisions today. Thank you all for your comments, I am taking them all on board.

Also I'm sorry to drip feed but it's only because it's all fitting together. There's a lot more too but I'll save myself the humiliation for now.

I was raped by an ex partner and it was one of those was it/wasn't it situations (in my head, because in real life it definitely was, he just didn't use physical violence that time) but here's the thing - my rapist who was an unpredictable and volatile man was ashamed the next day. He knew he was wrong, what he did was wrong and even he had enough decency to keep his head down.

What your H did is unspeakable but his smug happiness this morning is absolutely chilling. I can't get past it, it's made me feel sick and shaky. That's the measure of his concern for you.
I'm so worried for you, I'm worried if you don't get pregnant, I'm worried if you refuse intercourse what he will feel is acceptable to do as he gets increasingly desperate. Will you feel safe while you sleep?
That does not mean I think you should continue sleeping with him, it means I think you should take some time to yourself to read and digest the excellent advice up thread.

I'm so sorry, you are worth so much more love, care and respect than this

You don't have to rush into anything - except the MAP obviously.

The scales are falling from your eyes and you will start to see lots of things that you didn't see before.

It's interesting that you ask him before seeing friends or family. We have a family calendar on our phones and if I'm going anywhere with friends or away for the weekend even I just check the calendar to see if DH is around and put my event in the calendar. I never have to ask.

And you don't ever need to humiliate yourself on here. We don't need to know every little detail. But there will still always be people here to support you.

I remember GettingStronger's threads too. Was so pleased she managed to leave.

No need to apologise for drip-feeding, you can't give us your whole life story in the first post as it would be far too long to read! I'm also guessing that you will recognise more and more things as abusive as you reassess the past and process everything.

You mentioned humiliation - I understand that you might feel ashamed, but please be reassured that none of us are judging you and none of us think you have anything to be ashamed of. As PPs have mentioned, abuse can happen to anyone, including intelligent, well educated, strong women like you.

Please don't feel humiliated.

I doubt a single one of us has even a shred of judgement for you.

Some of us are a bit shocked at things you've said and that seem normal to you. Others are neither shocked nor surprised, having been in a similar place.

But we get that you're trying to deal with a big shift in your perception of your life.

Tell us more when you're ready. We'll be here.

And be as disorientated by it all as you need to be. But not humiliated. There is no humiliation for you here. You are doing your best. We get that.

There's no rush with anything.

Other than the MAP. Did you get it?

You are a person. You are not a pod or an incubator. Nor are you an empty vessel for him to shape into whatever Perfect Woman mould he happens to prefer (endlessly reporoducing Earth Mother, domestic goddess, sexy vamp or whatever the fuck it is we're meant to be this season).

I know abuse never seems as bad as it is when you are in it, but the fact that countless people are horrified on hearing about your situation is proof that it is not normal. He would force you into pregnancy, childbirth and a lifetime commitment you don't want. Imagine a friend told you what you're telling us....

All this talk of ongoing contraception? I'd refuse to have sex with him again until the permanent contraception issue (sterilisation or vasectomy) was sorted to my 100% satisfaction after that little trick.

Playing games with your body, your life and your health means he doesn't get to choose.

I do always ask first but he usually says yes.

Christ, that is so sad.

You have nothing to feel humiliated about, OP. He is a terrible person. You aren't.

We're here to talk whenever you need to.

Only just seen this thread. Someone has probably said this already. Its reproductive coercion OP as well as rape.

He is trying to control you by keeping you at home as a SAHM

He usually lets you go out when you ask? This is getting worse. I hope you are not pregnant and that you will be able to find the strength in the future to change things for the better.

Did you get the MAP??

I am getting the morning after pill tomorrow. I've ordered it online and I can collect it when I take my eldest to gymnastics in the afternoon.

Don't most people ask if they can go out?

I'm divorced now, but, yes, my exh and I would always ask each other before arranging something. That was out of courtesy and nothing sinister.

However, EVERYTHING else you have described is chilling and NOT a healthy relationship.